Wednesday, November 4, 2009

2 years as the mom of an angel baby

It has now been two years since I had to say good bye to my sweet baby Jay. It still hurts like hell. Sure I have figured out how to live day to day and get by and be ok with my new normal, but it still hurts like hell. I still think losing a child is something no one should ever have to go through, no matter the stage be it hours after the BFP, days, weeks, months, after the child is born, no matter when it happens it hurts like hell and no mother or father should have to say good bye to thier child. On Nov 2nd I sat holding Makenna and being so thankful to finally have a baby. my baby, in my arms knowing it would be the last time I would ever hold a baby of my own again (unless God steps in and decides other wise) and I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have her but my heart still breaks for the ones I lost and never got to hold. My angel babies as I call them. On Halloween I was asked by my MIL if we were going to have anymore and we both told her no the risk is too high. Given that Jay and Peanut were lost from placenta problems and we almost lost Makenna from placenta problems and I almost died after birth from the blood loss (ok maybe that is over reacting but I thought I was going to die and Chas did too until after the Dr was done and assured him I would be ok) the way I look at it is getting pregnant again would be risking my life and the baby's life so I just can't do it. We had agreed that because of the risks to the baby as we saw them that Makenna would be the last baby no matter how it ended (with a baby to hold or another angel baby to love from afar)

My life is so crazy right now wth the 5 kids so I don't get to come and post as much as I would like too. Add to that my computer is down for the count and I have to wait for the time to get on Chas' computer and have the boys being good and have Makenna sleeping and I don't get on very often but I do think about this blog almost every day. I know there is a lot more I want to say but I don't have the time to post more and with the boys running around me I can't think straight anyway. With any luck I will be able to remember it all after they go to bed and post more then.

Makenna's Birth Story

I went to my dr appointment on Sept 29th at 10:40 AM. I had an NST the Thursday before and they had wanted me to come back on Mon Sept 28th for another one because of high BP so I went to that one. On Fri at about 9-10 PM I started having contractions that were between 3-10 min apart and vary in pain and I'd noticed she wasn't moving very much on Mon morning and hadn't been since Fri. Well I called my Drs office on the way to the NST and told them what was going on so they knew. So I go to the NST and everything looks fine except my BP which is still high and it went up while I was there instead of going down like it normally does. So they send me home and the next morning I'm off to my dr and I'm texting DH the whole way about not wanting to go because I'm sure he will tell me to just hang in there for another week or more and I don't want to go through all the trouble and pain of going to the dr 2-3 times a week just to have her late. So I get to the dr and get in and my bp is still high and he tells me that he is worried about them and he is at the hospital all night so he is going to call and get me in right now! He said something to me about having this baby today and I responded with "TODAY today?" LOL So I'm texting DH and my aunt and everyone and getting dressed and heading into his office. The hosital is just across the street so there is no way I can sneak home or anything so it was a good thing I had finished packing my hospital bag right before I left that morning.

So I go over and I know I have to wait a little while for DH to get there and they get me hooked up and the pitocin started and I was so excited that I didn't even care how much it hurt for several hours. I was all hooked up and started at 11:33 AM (at least that is when I texted DH to tell him I was anyway) It was after 2 pm before DH got up there because of having to wait for my aunt to get home to be with the boys and taking the buses up to the hospital. I was slowly moving along and doing pretty good. I was at 3 CM when another dr came in to break my water. He was so rough with it! I had to make him stop because it felt like he was ripping my insides out! He was scratching me with the hook and everything! I thought that would be the worst thing I had ever gone through having a baby (famous last words right?) So later I feel a gush of fluid. My water has never broke on it's own so I'm thinking this has got to be it! I called the nurse in and nope. It wasn't my water. It was blood. (start my flash back right about now to having Jay) the nurse keeps checking me and her hand comes out covered in blood. Thankfully my dr had just gone on call and was at the desk when she went to go call him so he came in and checked me and broke my water. After he had done that I noticed he had blood up to almost his elbow. So I'm freaking out. The nurse is telling me that every thing is fine it's probably jsut from the first dr trying to break my water because he was so rough about it (even she noticed what does that tell you?) I had been planning to go without an epidural but I'm so afraid for my baby I get one just in case I have to go for a c-section. At this point it's about 5 PM and I'm at maybe 4 CM. So I get the epidural and I'm trying to stay calm which is very hard as Makenna doesn't want to stay on the monitor and hasn't sense we got there. At about 7 PM I start to feel this sharp pain in the front right above the hair line. I rolled to the other side to see if myabe the epidural was wearing off on that side but it didn't get better, only worse. I put pressure on that spot and it created a pushing feeling with the contractions. I pushed the button for the epidural to make sure I had enough going in and decided her head must be stuck there. The nurse came in to check me and at 7:15 I was barely 5 CM and still 70%. She found Makenna and within a matter of minutes we lost her on the monitor again so at 7:30 the nurse is back to check me again. By this time the pain in the front has stopped and I feel like pushing but that had been going on and off the whole time so I wasn't thinking too much about it. So she checks me and sure enough Makenna is ready to come out. Normally they have to reach and try really hard to find my cervix but the nurse barely put her hand in to check and was like "yep she's right there" My dr had just gone into a c-section though so I was told to just wait and try to not push because it would be probably like 45 min before he was done. Ok great. So at 7:50 my dr comes in and they rush to get the room ready. So they get everything done and have me all ready to go and my dr checks me and says that he doesn't think we need to wait for a contraction so for me to jsut give a push. It took half a push and he head was out. Another half a push and out came the rest of her. There was one nurse holding one leg and DH holding my other and the nurse that had been helping me all day was standing by DH. Well Makenna came so fast the nurse by DH says "oh she's already out?" lol She weighed in at 6 lb 3 oz and 20 in long.

The first thing I remember hearing DH say was that she was all girl a few times =)

After that we went over to PP and were hanging out. Everything went great, I felt great and didn't even feel like I'd had a baby. The nurses thought it was amazing I could move around so well so fast too. (TMI ALERT) So at midnight I got up to go to the bathroom so we could head to bed and I stood up and walked 3 steps to the bathroom and fel a HUGE gush that didn't want to stop. It was so bad I had blood running down my leg and all over the floor. At first I was like "ok I was laying down too long but it's no big deal I'll jsut clean up" then I pulled down my underwear to sit down and the pad was full of clots bigger then golf balls. I sat down and had more gushes into the toliet. I freaked out and had DH call the nurse. She came in a was telling me that it was normal and that it was just from me sitting down so long without getting up. In my heart I knew that it wasn't normal but she wouldn't listen. Well I walked back to bed with another gush (she took more clots out of the pad when I layed down) and every time I moved I would have more gushes and clots come out. In an hour I had soaked the pad I had on so she got me another one and took it to weigh jsut to be safe. I got up to go to the bathroom to make sure my bladder was empty (like she asked) and I filled another pad with clots and filled the toliet too. By this point I was so lightheaded I just stayed there. Dh was sleeping and I couldn't get him to wake up by calling his name so I waited for the nurse. At this point she decided I needed to stay in bed so she got some pills to try to stop the bleeding (had to go in rectally and are the same thing as what is use to rippen the cervix to start labor) she said they would work fast and she would be back in about 15 min to see if they worked and to put in a cath. Well it didn't stop so she called my dr in. By this point I had thrown something at DH to wake him up and make him be with me as I'm so scared. They come in with the cath and I'm shaking hard and I can't stop. They try to put warm blankets on me while doing the cath but it's not helping. My dr comes in and he tells me that he knows they got everything out because he reached his hand into my uterus while I had the epidural to make sure. He then tells me that he is going to have to reach inside me again and that he knows it will hurt really bad and he is sorry. So it took DH and a nurse and the dr holding my down while I'm screaming and begging him to stop so he can do this. When he is done I'm so out of it I don't remember much other then wishing I would just pass out so it didn't hurt anymore. They wet through and had to give me another IV before doing this as they had taken mine out hours before as it's now 4 AM. The dr started me on pitocin again and pushed IV fluids as well as blood tests to see if I needed a transfusion because I had lost so much blood. I remember after everyone had left the room laying there thinking I was going to die or need a hystorectomy (as that was the next step if it continued) I was so afraid I was going to die. I layed there half able to answer the questions I was asked (stuff like if I wanted to sit up or stay laying down) I'm sure a part of that was all the pain meds they were giving me as they had given me the max of percocet, motrin, and morphine as well as another shot that was to help my uterus contract along with the pitocin and the original pills they gave me. I'm sure I wasn't making much sense as I cried to my DH about not letting them beat me up again and making him promise and I know I scared him as I told him I knew I had to live through all of it but I wasn't sure if I had enough fight left to do it after the last 2 was so terrible....I didn't really sleep more then a few minutes at a time for the next 2-3 hours. Part of that was becuase I had to be checked so often and part of it was fear of going to sleep and not waking up. The nurses took Makenna to the nursery for us so we didn't have to try to take care of her while I couldn't move. Not only did they not wnat me to move but my insides were bruised all the way to my rib cage after everything. The next morning my bp was still high but the bleeding was under control so my dr told me that I would be able to leave the next day but not that day (which I already guessed at) He told me that while the labs showed very low blood count it wasn't low enough to risk a trasfusion so he was going to give me iron pills to take home and that it would take me 2-3 weeks to feel normal again. I spent most of the day in and out of sleep wishing to forget. He did tell me again how sorry he was over and over and how much he hated it but he didn't want to do surgery if he could help it as that would have been a longer recovery and even worse side effects.a

That night Makenna gave the nurses a scare of her own. They were checking her heart rate and it was high so they took her to watch her and they got her hooked up and she was normal so they watched her for about an hour before bringing her back and she was just fine. They think it was because her and I were laying together for a few hours and it had raised both our body temps or that she was having a bad dream.

So anyway, we got home yesterday afternoon and she has hardly been put down since. The boys fight over who gets to hold her and feed her. I'm doing ok although more tired then I thought was possible and my feet are swollen to the point of pain from all the IV fliuds they pumped into me in 2-3 hours after the blood loss. My dr told me that could take 2-3 weeks to go away too. Great..

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

June 17, 2009

I think a lot lately but I never put it down. Why you might ask is because I'm afraid to put it into words. Afraid the fear will take over and win, afraid to hope to much, just afraid of what will come out as I let my mind go and type like I do on here.

So to play catch up, I've gone to the ER 3 times with this pregnancy. Once at almost 12 weeks, once at almost 13 weeks (a week after the first visit) and again at about 18 weeks. I'm sure I've posted about the first 2 so I will skip those and go to the 18 week visit.

We were visiting my mother in law and I'd been having really lightheaded and dizzy spells that would cause me to fall over and then I was cramping with it, then came the spotting, and then we couldn't find the heartbeat with my doppler. Well all of this built up over several days so when we couldn't find the heart beat it was time to go to the ER. They found the heartbeat in the ER with the machine they told me hardly ever found the heartbeat but they sent me for an ultrasound anyway jsut to be safe. Well we found out the bleeding was almost completely gone and the whole time we were calling Casper/Kasper a "he" and I mentioned to the tech we didn't know for sure so she offered to tell us. Turns out we are having a GIRL!!! Adn we already have a name for her too Makenna Elizabeth =)

Ok fast forward about 2 more weeks for my normal appointment with ultrasound and the placenta has moved, there is no more blood, and she is "perfectly healthy" and still a she =) So far everything is going good. I'm sure she will break one of my ribs at some point as she LOVES to climn up there and stretch out and boy does it hurt!!!! She is already such a dady's girl too. Whenever Chas puts his hand on my stomach she moves to him and it has come in handy (no pun intended) a few times when she is stretched out in my ribs or inbetween my hip bones. He jsut puts his hand where it will be more comfortable for me and she moves! It's great. I have to lay cuddled up to Chas so my stomach is touching him or she will get really mad. As I lay there she will shift into him in seconds. She has even learned how to kick hard enough that he can feel her already which shouldn't be possible for a few weeks still.

It amazes me that I am here. I really thought I wouldn't be here again. I thought that after Jay and Peanut I would never have another baby. I feared I would just murder any baby that tried to go inside me. I know many don't agree with how I look at it but it is really how I still feel to this day. It is what it is, but anyway. To be here and to have made it this far I feel like I'm really going to have a baby in Oct so I can finally breath and be excited but I also think about Jay and Peanut a lot too. I wonder about them and how it would have been to be here with them. To feel them move and grow. To be planning on their birth and how their brothers would be with them. I hear Sky talk about how he is going to be a big brother and Bry tells him he is already a big brother and he gets mad and says he's not. I have to tell Bry to let it go because at almost 3 Sky doesn't understand that he has 2 younger siblings that aren't here with us. The older booys know and remember but Sky is still too little. Even Cam at 5 has a hard time understanding. One year when they are older I can talk to them about Jay and Peanut and they will understand. I think about Jay and Peanut probably every day although it's not the same as it used to be. The pain isn't all the time and so hard to handle. It's like they will always be here and they are always in my mind and it still hurts, don't get me wrong, the pain is just different. Almost like I have gotten used to living with the pain so it's more in the background then a part of every breath I take. It's so hard to explain and I jsut can't find words that will make it make sense like it should. I guess the only way to really know what I'm talking about is to have been there yourself and that is something I hope no one ever has to go through.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

May 3, 2009

To find out or to not find out?

Every day I think of new reasons to find out or to not find out so I'm going to argue with mysef for a minute (and others can feel free to join in too)

1- We have always found out before. The only times we didn't find out was because the baby was gone so we couldn't. And I have a really hard time the last 2 months of pregnancy because I have what one Dr called an "irritable uterus" which doesn't quite cover it for me but whatever. Basically I go into labor very well but I also go out of it very well. So I will have several hours of contractions that get closer together and are very regular but I don't dilate and they will stop before I can get to the hospital (I've been lucky enough to make it to the hospital in labor once just to have it stop after I was all hooked up to an IV and everything so I was induced anyway) So seeing as how the last 2 months are so hard, the last month the worst, maybe having something like this to look forward to would make it not so bad instead of jsut waiting for {insert name} to come I am waiting to see who it is that is coming.

2- Everyone will focus on gender instead of a healthy baby. Everyone I know in real life keeps telling me they hope I get a girl when asked to pray for a healthy baby. When asked I tell them the truth, that after losing 2 babies I can't even think about gender I jsut want to know my baby is healthy and ok. I ask them to pray for a healthy baby and they always answer the same thing "I'll pray you get a girl" WTF???? I don't want people to know what we are having until after Casper gets here so I don't have to hear how great it is that I'm having a girl or how sad it is I'm having another healthy boy. I really truely feel like there are several people I know that if I were to say "I'm having a girl but she is very sick and we will be lucky if she lives to birth much less if we even get a day with her" to which they would say "You are having a girl!!! That is so great! Who cares that she is sick at least you are having a girl!!!" UGH!

3- In truth I do want a girl. It would be nice to have my own daughter and not jsut my step daughter that we see once every few months. Chas and my boys really want a girl too. So much so that my Lex is afraid he will hate a boy just for being a boy (I went through this with Bry when Sky was born and they have been best friends since he was born but anyway) Lex is so afraid that we have to keep the gender a secret from him until he has had time to hold Casper and fall in love with him before finding out boy or girl (he asked us to do this as one of the many options we gave for ways to help him not hate another brother) I went through a really hard time after finding out Sky was a boy and I hate myself for it. I don't want to go through that again when I know in the end I will love my baby no matter what or to hate myself the whole time because I know how lucky I am to be having a baby that is healthy so I really shouldn't care what is between their legs.

4- (the newest thought) I've been looking at baby stuff online to try to get an idea of how much things will cost and it is much cheaper to get stuff that is for a girl then it is to get stuff for a boy which is cheaer then stuff that is gender neutral!!! There is a travel system for a girl that it like $119 but the cheapest gender neutral one I cna see myself with is almost $200!!!! That's a big difference. Add to that I would forever be upset that I brought my only girl home to yellows and greens instead of being able to put her in pinks and purples and stuff with flowers and such. And should we have a girl there is another girl being born any day now in the family that we might be abel to get hand me downs from too but who knows how fast they will get rid of them, but that brings me back to not wanting people to think only about the gender! Sigh. The biggest thing for this arguement is that if we are having a girl after 5 boys then it would be nice to have girl stuff and girl stuff is cheaper too. I keep thinking maybe I could find out and then buy stuff and hide it from everyone but I would have to tell my aunt at least because we are living with her so she would see all of it and then the boys would know so who knows how long it would stay a secret.

5- If we do find out and hear boy like in the dream I had yesterday then I would feel really bad because I would tell no one but if we hear girl I might tell people just so I can start getting hand me downs so I don't have to buy as much if anything. Maybe I would even get lucky enough to have someone throw me a baby shower becuase I'm having a girl after 5 boys. Who knows? I would also feel bad about hearing boy because all of my arguements are about hearing girl and getting ready for a girl. Should we hear boy I will have to lie to everyone so Lex doesn't find out so he can fall in love with Casper before deciding he hates another brother.

6- Back to the dream, I have had a dream with every living baby of mine that told me the gender and it has always been right so I feel like I already know what I'm having and I just have to prove it. Given that I probably wouldn't believe it even if they did say girl or at birth if they told me girl. I would think for sure that there was a mistake.and it's not really my baby.

Chas thinks we should just not find out. That the reasons to not find out are better then the reasons to find out. He's probably right but it doesn't change the way I look at it right now. sigh. I don't know what to I really want to know or do I really want to wait? I don't know how to decide. First I want to know my baby is ok and I don't want mysef or others to get wrapped up in gender but I don't think I can stand to wait until Oct either. I'm not that patient. I would be begging Chas for a 3D ultrasound by July to fnd out gender. I just know I would. So arguing with myself continues...I just can't make up my mind

Friday, May 1, 2009

May 1, 2009

Today I had what should be my 16 week visit, even though I won't be 16 weeks until Tuesday. It was set for Monday, but I changed it because I might be out of town on Monday. Anyway, Casper sounds good still and I set my ultrasound date too. My next appointment and ultrasound will be on June 1st. I'm terrified. Today's visit was equal to the last one Ja was alive for and the ultrasound will be at the same place we found out Peanut was gone as well as the same time line for when I found out Jay was gone... All I know is that my doppler is getting used a lot between now and then to help me feel better.

My Dr also told me that my placenta is in the front (before I as told it was in the back) which is why I haven't felt any movement yet and it will make it really hard to feel movement in general. Sigh. At least I have my doppler other wise I would go crazy!

So we decided to take a chance and start talking names and make a name list for others to vote on so if anyone would like to vote here is the link-

VOTE on my Name List

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

April 21, 2009

I went and saw my Dr yesterday and he's not as worried as I think he should be, but maybe he is just trying to keep me calm. Anyway, He doesn't want to do another ultrasound because there is nothing that can be done anyway and it will only make me worry more. So I go back for my normal appointment on May 4th and he told me I could go back 2 weeks after that for a heartbeat check if I need to and then 2 weeks after that will be the 20 week U/S!!! I can't believe I only have 6 weeks left until I'm there. It seems so far away and yet I'm sure it will go really fast as there is a lot of stuff between now and then.

Ok and now for the best part of this post (ok the rest is really good too but this is REALLY good!)

We can hear the heartbeat on my doppler now!!!! That means I can hear this little one whenever I want too!

Oh and we have a nickname too. We wanted something Halloweenish but we have been having a really hard time finding something that sounds right and will stick, but last night Chas and I decided to jsut call the baby Casper for now and this morning Bry agreed so the baby is now called Casper until he or she is born. =)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

April 12, 2009

(typing one handed sorry)

I went to the er yesterday morning and gpt admitted by the er dreven though the obs made it very clear they didn't see the point to me being there.

Anyway, the bleeding in my uterus is worse and causing my so much pain. I couldn't move or even touch my stomach. The er dr wanted me to be watched because it is building up inside me and not coming out and the obs thought I should have been sent home and told to take tylenol and not even put on bed rest because I wasn't bleeding out. Well one of the obs told me that all they could do was give me pain pills (that weren't working for more then if I didn't move at all) or terminate the pregnancy. So because I wouldn't terminate I was sent home with pills. Never mind that they only way the pills worked at all was I was taking 2 every 3 1/2 to 4 hours and they only gave me 20 pills! Yea, I wonder how long those are going to last.

Stupid insensitive people. Oh and the ob told me that if the pain gets worse it means the bleeding is worse and will need to be checked. Well the pain got worse and so her solution was to deal or terminate. I don't understand why they can't just do something like an amnio and remove some of the blood to make it let up a little for a minute, but no. Either I deal or terminate.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

April 4, 2009

I went to the ER today. Yesterday Sky had been climbing over me and I got these really bad cramps that were worse when I layed on my right side looking back on it. The had me in tears and curling into a ball. Anyway I still had cramping today and couldn't shake the feeling sometign was wrong so I went in. They gave me an U/S and the good news is there is one baby, the heart rate was at 172, and the baby measured a week farther then I thought I was. The bad new is there is a bleed and the placenta had ripped some, which I'm sure is what I felt yesterday. So now I'm on pelvic rest and bed rest. I see my Dr on Weds and find out then what he wants to do from here.

I still have really bad all day sickness though and I feel good about this pregnancy too so time will tell what will happen. I really just want a baby no matter what. I had someone ask me today what I would do if I had another boy and that seemed like the oddest question to me. I had no idea how to answer it other then to shrug and tell them we already lost a boy so it doesn't really matter to me. I don't even want to find out what we are having which everyone thinks is so weird. I just can't bring myself to hope for a girl when all I want is to finally have a healthy baby after everything I've been through.

Here's hoping I cna get my doppler to work soon so I can know that this little one is ok.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

March 31, 2009

Sorry I've been MIA (again) My internet is out at home so it makes it very hard to try to post anything.

So there is nothing new going on really. I'm 11 weeks today and the all day sickness is still getting worse. It hit new heights today but I won't gross you with it. Anyway, I'm still hanging in there. M doppler doesn't work yet and I go see the Dr next week so with any luck he will hear the heart eat with his and he is going to try mine too if he can hear the heart beat with his. If not I will be getting an U/S. I'm almost hoping he can't hear it jsut so I can get an U/S and see that everything is ok instead of just have to trust that everything sounds ok, you know? Oh well.

So I'm online at the library and I really need to get home so I have to cut this short (which is ok because there is nothing else to say anyway at this point) Hopefully I will be back on soon with good news. Until then, later.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March 10, 2009

8 Weeks

I wonder at what point breathing will start for me? For most that have had a M/C they say that they feel better fter making it through the first tri because 12 weeks is the "magical point where you are safe" Too bad I can't think that way. I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier to have lost Jay and Peanut earlier thne I did. Like jsut started bleeding by 8 weeks or so instead of going so far into the pregnancy. I know it wouldn't have changed the pain I went through back then, but would it make a difference now? Would I feel like I could be safe once I passed 12 weeks or would I not feel safe until I held my child in my arms and saw them breathing and heard their cry? I keep trying to tell myself I jsut have to make it past that 20 weeks U/S and I'll feel better, but in my heart I know that's not true. I won't feel safe to buy anything until I only have a few weeks left so "just in case" I can still take it back. I don't think I will feel safe with this pregnancy at any point. After losing Jay when I was supposed to be "safe" ffrom a M/C and didn't have to worry about going into labor or anything like that, I don't think I will be able to buy anything or breathe easy until I'm holding my baby. I guess that's psrt of the reason I don't want to find out. Even if we are having twins I still don't want to know although Chas does. I don't know. I guess knowing what gender the baby(ies) is/are will just make it that much more real and that much harder to not shop but I don't want to shop until they are in my arms anyway. I figure that should we be blessed enough to have twins family will be nice enough to throw us a party/baby shower and we could always jsut ask that it be done after they get here and then we can get just the basic stuff in gender neutral colors and thne have a party to welcome our last baby(ies) into the world and get stuff for them then hopefully. If not then we can always just save the money and get everything after they are here too. It would be easy to do it really. Now if only I can get Chas to go with it (of course I could jsut not give him a choice and go to the U/S by myself but after Jay I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that idea)

Monday, March 9, 2009

March 9, 2009

I have my first Dr appointment on Wed and I don't want to go. I'm so scared. I'm so chicken about going by myself that I even called my BFF tonight and asked HIM to go with me! Thankfuly he is the best person in the whole world and doesnt feel weird about going with me (as long as I don't ask him to do anything other then hold my hand in the waiting room, but anything more would be too weird for me too so no worries there)

I'm jsut freaking out. The only reason I finally made the appointment was because I got offered a massage therapist job, BUT they are worried about how their method of teaching could hurt the baby after the losses I've had so they want to be sure receiving the deep massage work while being taught it won't do any harm which makes me feel very good to know that they are actually worried about it.

So now I get to spend the next day worrying about if my BFF will be able to go with him (he wasn't sure but will let me know tomorrow) or if I have to go alone and if I will be able to get this job or not and if my baby is going to be ok this time or if I'm going to get hurt again.

I want to scream and cry all at the same time! This is my last chance at being pregnant ever. I really want a happy ending...Frown

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

March 4, 2009

Wow I have gotten really bad at this....I'm going to try to get better at it again but it might take me awhile to get there as life is getting crazy with moving and starting work and everything. Ugh. Anyway. Here is an update, with what little there is to update.

I'm really sick. I'm not like throwing up sick because I refuse to let myself throw up when I know it won't help and I can stop it. But I'm sicker then I have ever been which is proved by the fact that not even my tricks (tums mostly) work this time around. I feel better when the tums is in my mouth but the moment it is gone forget it. And it didn't start out like this. It has been getting worse every day. Which is a good thing because it means my HCG must be going up. I will gladly suffer if it means I will be holding a baby or two in Oct.

I'm really really REALLY tired. We are talking I can't ever stay awake tired. I'm hoping once I start working it will get better. Or at least once I get through the first tri it will get better. As long as it gets better I'm fine with it. Ok I'm fine with it evenif it doesn't get better if I make it to the end with a healthy baby or two!!!!

I had a job interview yesterday and they loved me and I have another one tomorrow at a different place too. I can't wait to get started. I really want the one tomorrow because I can do prenatal massage there and the one for yesterday I can't as much so it would fit into my plans better for tomorrows interview to get the job there but at this point I really don't care either way. I'm excited to start working somewhere at this point.

Umm lets see. Oh, I haven't called the Dr yet although I know I really need to. I'm trying to put it off as long as possible because I really can't stand to go through all the tests. Although I can't get on maternity insurance until I go see him and have him say "yep your pregnant!" That and he could give me an U/S which could let me know once and for all if there is only one or two in there. It would for sure make Chas feel better to know what we are in for. I jsut don't know how brave I really am at this point...Maybe I will call and be like "Yea I'm pregnant but I'm only like 7 weeks and I know I don't have to get in until like 12-13 at the latest so could we jsut make the appointment for around then so I don't have to go up there anymore then I have to as it will be such a pain by bus and I don't have insurance yet???" LOL They jsut might think I'm crazy, but you do what you have to do, right? I need to start looking into insurance for pregnancy so when I do get this job tomorrow I won't have to worry about making too much money for state insurance...I need to find someone that will insure me even already pregnant...hmmmm

Ok I think that is everything and you are all caught up yea I think that covers it. Like I said I will try to post more often. =)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Feb 23, 2009

Every pregnancy I dream about the baby except Jay and Peanut. With them i never had a dream of being pregnant or the baby or anything. When I was pregnant with Sky I was dreaming of twins until one day I dreamed I lsot on of them. Sure enough an U/S showed only one baby and a big spot of blood (that was my first U/S so no way to know for sure) I also have dreams of what my baby will look like the next time I'm pregnant and having a baby. It was right with all of my boys. When preg with Sky I had one of him being really little and never being able to see the baby I was carrying around in a car seat. I had the baby but I was never allowed to see it. I really think that was Jay. I had another dream of him looking just like he does now and being huge pregnant and getting ready for a girl. By huge I mean bigger then I have ever been and I think I felt like I still had awhile to go but it was so long ago I can't remember for sure...

Well last night I had one of these kind of dreams!! I am so happy. Add to that I dreamed of (you guessed it) TWINS!!! In the dream one was in a car seat so I didn't get to see it but I KNEW it was in there sleeping away and the other one I got to see. It was so cute and so tiny and so perfect. sigh. I pray these continue.

Oh and after I lost Peanut I had a dream of around Christmas time there were people getting ready for a baby girl and it hurt me so much and then after Christmas but before spring there was a funeral with my dad's family and then I knew I was pregnant and there was a girl...

Well at Christmas DH's family was going on and on about his 17 yr old neice having a girl, my dad passed away a few weeks ago, and I'm pregnant...If I didn't always have dreams like this I would scare myself, I swear! LOL

Now I'm on to positive think that I will heart the HBs with my doppler on DH's birthday. I will be only 8 weeks at the time but I'm still thinking it will happen. I jsut have to go and write it down now.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Feb 8, 2009

How many remember me saying I was going to get a BFP this month? If not scroll down and read. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Are you all caught up now? Ok good.

So I woke up this morning and put off going to the bathroom as long as possible. DH actually sat with me while waiting for the tests and he never does that.
Anyway, I took a dollar tree test. I got really frusterated as I sat there watching it. The control line usually comes right up, but not this time! UGH. As the control line faded, yea faded, in I got frusterated adn told DH to grab me the digital because I hadn't dumped the pee yet (sorry TMI) Well I take the digital too and I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm so used to it comeing up right away! I'm starting to doubt myself. The dollar is negative and the digital is taking forever!!! Well the digital finally comes up and it's sitting on the floor. DH say to me "Negative?" I can tell he's really upset but trying to make sure I'll be ok too. I pick it up and look at him. I'm in shock, I can't believe it, I just can't believe it.

finally pregnant

Monday, February 2, 2009

Feb 2, 2009

Peanut's EDD...

I'm sitting here going crazy...not because of what today should have been but waiting for this weekend and wondering if my future is about to change to the way I dream it will be. Sure I'm a little sad today but I really don't want to let it get me down. I know that things happen for a reason and that I had to lose Peanut to get where I am right now. I made a really great friend because of losing Peanut because she lost her daughter at 12 weeks at the same time I lost Peanut. Now she is expecting again and I couldn't be happier for her! Now we both are waiting (as are many others I think) to see if it's my turn too. sigh

I have 5 days until I can test...5 long days... Ok so they aren't that long it just seems like it right now. I can't wait for it to be Sun!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Jan 26, 2009

So I've been doing really good staying positive, but I think my positive thoughts have run out. I jsut might be too much of a pessimist to be abel to think positive. I'm still trying, but it's not working very well. The biggest reason for that is I started temping and watching my cycle again this month to give us the best chance of getting pregnant but it doesn't look like I'm going to ovulate which means I can't possibly get pregnant. Sigh. I'm starting to wonder if I need to jsut give up and be happy with my life as it is. I wish I could see into the future and know where my road is supposed to go and the ending for if I keep following the path I'm on. I just want this so bad, but maybe it's not the right thing and I need to let go. I don't have the answer and I wish I did...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Jan 23, 2009

So I'm better today. Last night Chas and I talked (a little) and I know he is jsut trying to protect me (even though he doesn't come right out and say it) I crashed really hard after Jay and even harder after Peanut. And every month that goes back gets harder too. I'm sure it can't be easy on him to see me like that month after month, over and over. So now here I sit. Back to looking to the positive. It doesn't hurt anymore to think positivly then it does to be ready for the bad so I'm going to think happy thoughts and be positive that it will happen this month and I'll have my twins in my arms in Oct =)

I can see it all perfectly. I can feel it. I live it over and over in my mind. It WILL happen. I know it will. =)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Jan 22, 2009

This is messages Chas and I have sent back and forth today...It seems only fair to put it here...take it as you will....

[10:14:34 AM] Tammy A: are you there???
[10:15:33 AM] Tammy A:
[10:17:48 AM] Tammy A:
[10:18:12 AM] Tammy A:
[10:18:43 AM] Tammy A:
[10:18:52 AM] Tammy A: Don't mind me...
[10:20:02 AM] Tammy A: I think if we have the money I'm going to buy one of these with tax returns. They are so cute.
[10:21:12 AM] Tammy A:
[10:21:59 AM] Tammy A:
[10:34:25 AM] Charles T. : the last 2 I liked
[10:35:08 AM] Tammy A: But none of the girl ones?
[10:35:29 AM] Charles T. : the last one could be a girl one
[10:35:43 AM] Tammy : yea. I guess...
[10:36:20 AM] Charles T. : the third one too
[10:36:36 AM] Tammy A: I don't really like the forth one very much...
[10:37:03 AM] Tammy A: These 2 are my favorites-
[10:37:13 AM] Tammy A: for a boy-
[10:37:14 AM] Charles T. A: if you notice the ones I like were the dark wood, not the white wood
[10:37:36 AM] Charles T. A: 1,2 and 4 were white
[10:37:49 AM] Tammy A: I'm not talking cribs, I'm talking blankets
[10:37:58 AM] Charles T. A: oh
[10:38:02 AM] Tammy A: for a girl-
[10:38:11 AM] Tammy A: relook at the bedding
[10:38:42 AM] Charles T. A: well last 2 are still my fav
[10:38:56 AM] Tammy A: Why don't you like any of the girl ones??
[10:39:24 AM] Charles T. A: guess its just the whole me being a guy and them being pink
[10:39:32 AM] Charles T. A: nothing against girls
[10:40:01 AM] Tammy A: But they are brown and pink! I don't like pink very much either but when we find out we are having girls we should have some pink at least
[10:40:49 AM] Charles T. A: of the pink I would still say #3
[10:41:33 AM] Tammy A: these are the cribs I'm looking at but I really don't like them very much. They are jsut cheep. But I'm thinking maybe we should spend money on the babies instead of renewing our vows because I don't think anyone will come anyway...
[10:42:12 AM] Tammy A: That's more pink then the one I liked
[10:43:24 AM] Charles T. A: they blend together better, instead of big contrast
[10:43:37 AM] Tammy A: I like the contrast I guess
[10:43:39 AM] Charles T. A: at least on the blanket
[10:44:38 AM] Tammy A: I still like the first one better
[10:45:02 AM] Tammy A: Do you think oen crib or 2 for twins?
[10:45:07 AM] Tammy A: *one
[10:45:55 AM] Charles T. A: IF its twins, they could get away with sharing one for a few months, but would eventually need a second one
[10:46:23 AM] Tammy A: Yea that's what Iwas thinking. And they would be happier sharing at first probably.
[10:46:37 AM] Tammy A: It would mean we couldn't use a bassanet too
[10:46:45 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[10:46:48 AM] Tammy A: Which would save some money in the short run
[10:46:54 AM] Charles T. A: we chucked our anyway right
[10:47:07 AM] Tammy A: yea, it was gross so we would have to buy a new one.
[10:47:57 AM] Charles T. A: sara's b-day tomorrow
[10:48:02 AM] Tammy A: ok
[10:48:19 AM] Tammy A: I like this crib but not the price so much-
[10:49:11 AM] Charles T. Adams: ok you remember the episodes of full house with the twins?
[10:49:24 AM] Charles T. Adams: like the first few
[10:49:33 AM] Tammy Adams: yea
[10:49:54 AM] Charles T. A: you remember the first time Jesse had them all to himself?
[10:50:33 AM] Tammy A: yea. Are afraid that that you won't be able to tell our twins apart?
[10:50:41 AM] Charles T. A: partly
[10:51:04 AM] Charles T. A: I think its any parents dread with at least identical
[10:51:09 AM] Tammy A: I've got that all figured out :D
[10:51:35 AM] Charles T. A: anklets?
[10:52:01 AM] Tammy A: I'm going to paint their toe nails different colors. One color will always be for one and another color always for the other
[10:52:17 AM] Tammy A: Or anklets works too. I jsut figured nail polish is cheeper
[10:52:26 AM] Charles T. A: not really
[10:52:35 AM] Tammy A: why not really?
[10:52:48 AM] Charles T. A: just make the anklets like you do the bookmarks
[10:52:58 AM] Tammy A: I knew you would say that.
[10:53:01 AM] Tammy A: We will do both
[10:53:10 AM] Tammy A: Nail polish and anklets
[10:53:22 AM] Charles T. A: (doh)
[10:53:37 AM] Tammy A: Does that make you more willing to hope with me? Knowing I won't let either of us get them mixed up?
[10:53:43 AM] Tammy A: What was the face for?
[10:54:05 AM] Charles T. A: well I typed in ( doh )
[10:54:15 AM] Tammy A: ok what was that for?
[10:54:17 AM] Charles T. A: a little homer actions there
[10:54:22 AM] Tammy A: ??
[10:54:24 AM] Charles T. A: about doing both
[10:54:28 AM] Tammy A: oh...
[10:54:38 AM] Charles T. A: noooooo....Doh!!!!
[10:54:47 AM] Charles T. A: not oh, doh
[10:54:57 AM] Tammy A: you don't like that idea? What if the anklets come off? We have to have a back up
[10:55:24 AM] Tammy A: Nail polish I can keep up with pretty easy but if they both fall off we are in trouble
[10:55:39 AM] Tammy A: Unless we color code their clothes which will be pretty pricy
[10:55:53 AM] Charles T. A: maybe we would get lucky and have fraternal twins and get 1 boy and 1 girl
[10:56:18 AM] Tammy A: I was jsut thinking that but again that would be pretty pricy. WE would have to buy every thing for a boy and a girl all over again
[10:56:44 AM] Charles T. A: um new clothes either way
[10:57:55 AM] Tammy A: But with 2 girls they can share unless you want to color code them
[10:58:20 AM] Tammy A: Off topic for 5 sec- didn't your mom make one of your sister's wedding dresses?
[10:58:28 AM] Charles T. A: they can share some
[10:58:41 AM] Charles T. A: I think, but don't remember
[10:58:55 AM] Charles T. A: if so I think it was rachels
[10:59:26 AM] Charles T. A: rachel got married in the backyard there in clearfield
[10:59:27 AM] Tammy A: That's what I thought. Back to fighting :*
[10:59:33 AM] Charles T. A: lol
[11:00:14 AM] Tammy A: Do you mean a boy and girl can share some or that we will color code and they can share some??? :^)
[11:00:40 AM] Charles T. A: if the same sex they can share some of the clothes
[11:01:21 AM] Charles T. A: but for the most part I would image do some form of color coding
[11:01:42 AM] Charles T. A: at least at first until they get personality :P
[11:02:11 AM] Charles T. A: brb
[11:19:46 AM] Tammy A: wow-
[11:20:40 AM] Charles T. A: I would have to agree on that wow
[11:20:57 AM] Tammy A: coudl you imagine putting babies in that thing??
[11:21:20 AM] Charles T. A: its like your storing them away till later
[11:21:31 AM] Tammy A: LOL
[11:21:43 AM] Tammy A: (Ok that didn't cover it..)
[11:22:21 AM] Tammy A: Ihave this picture in my mind that Ican't even explain at that comment
[11:22:38 AM] Charles T. A: maybe something more on the linbes of ROFLMFAO
[11:23:08 AM] Tammy A: it's like "Hey Bry can you go to the pantry and get me this or that for dinner and while your at it grab me a baby or too to add in"
[11:23:25 AM] Tammy A: *two
[11:23:39 AM] Charles T. A: now that deserves and ROFLMFAO
[11:23:44 AM] Charles T. A: *an
[11:24:11 AM] Tammy A: Or "Oh we don't need a toy box we can jsut store their toys with them"
[11:24:20 AM] Charles T. A: lol
[11:24:35 AM] Tammy A: Oh no I don't have to worry about it, they are safly packed away
[11:26:57 AM] Tammy A: I want to go all out this time with baby stuff sense it will be our last
[11:27:12 AM] Charles T. A: k
[11:27:57 AM] Tammy A: I figure to renew our vows most of the money will go to my dress and clothes for everyone. Next would be the invites because Ireally want to buy them instead of make them
[11:28:06 AM] Tammy A: and everything else we can work with, right?
[11:28:31 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[11:28:39 AM] Tammy A: OkI guess the cake would be another big price item
[11:28:44 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[11:28:53 AM] Tammy A: what were you going to say?
[11:29:07 AM] Charles T. A: ??
[11:29:22 AM] Tammy A: you started to type something and then jsut typed yea to the cake comment
[11:29:51 AM] Charles T. A: don't remember typing something else
[11:29:55 AM] Tammy A: ok never mind
[11:29:59 AM] Charles T. A: you were seeing things again
[11:30:07 AM] Charles T. A: :D
[11:30:23 AM] Tammy A: That family friend that made your mom's cake woudl se charge us for anything more then the supplies do you think?
[11:30:43 AM] Charles T. A: not likely
[11:30:54 AM] Tammy A: Then maybe we will have to jsut do that
[11:31:13 AM] Tammy A: And find out how many of your family members will help by making food
[11:31:21 AM] Charles T. A: if we cam get her and is still in that business/still has her stuff
[11:31:36 AM] Charles T. A: *can, not cam
[11:31:37 AM] Tammy A: good point
[11:32:24 AM] Charles T. A: its something I would talk to my mom about, she still talks to her every so often
[11:32:38 AM] Tammy A: am I keeping you from working?
[11:32:45 AM] Charles T. A: not really
[11:32:48 AM] Tammy A: ok.
[11:33:24 AM] Charles T. A: they have me going through extra computers here and making not of who the user was on them
[11:33:43 AM] Charles T. A: kinda taking my time so that it helps to fill the day
[11:33:55 AM] Charles T. A: nothing else to do right now
[11:33:58 AM] Tammy A: oh, I'm having a hard time finding a crib I like.
[11:34:16 AM] Charles T. A: we can worry about cribs later
[11:34:25 AM] Charles T. A: prices will change as will the styles
[11:35:01 AM] Tammy A: yea, but I'd like to know about how much we are going to be paying and the styles won't change much between now and Sept.
[11:35:49 AM] Charles T. A: and as much as we want to keep thinking on the positive side I don't wanna buy one until you only have like 2 months left
[11:36:07 AM] Tammy A: I too
[11:36:31 AM] Charles T. A: so don't worry about it till then
[11:36:49 AM] Tammy Adams: keep me busy though and keeps me thinking positive
[11:37:02 AM] Charles T. A: go read LOTR
[11:37:14 AM] Charles T. A: that will keep you busy for a while
[11:37:23 AM] Charles T. A: at least a few days
[11:42:26 AM] Tammy A: Ijust paid the past due on the power so it doesn't get turned off
[11:44:25 AM] Charles T. A: k how much we got left?
[11:44:35 AM] Tammy A: Not sure.
[11:58:07 AM] Tammy A: sigh
[12:15:24 PM] Tammy A: Why won't you just think positive with me this one month?
[12:23:28 PM] Charles T. A: you know me pesimistic to the end....:P lol
[12:23:29 PM] Charles T. A: jk
[12:23:41 PM] Charles T. A: :P
[12:26:10 PM] Tammy A: I'm serious?
[1:06:18 PM] Charles T. A: gonna go get some food
[1:07:58 PM] Tammy A: ok
[1:30:28 PM] Charles T. A: back
[1:30:37 PM] Tammy A: ok...
[1:30:46 PM] Tammy A: Is there such a thing as too positive?
[1:30:54 PM] Charles T. A: maybe
[1:31:01 PM] Tammy : just maybe?
[1:31:47 PM] Charles T. A: well if it never hurts to consider the negitive, just don't dwell on it
[1:32:31 PM] Charles T. A: there is a fine balance with being positive and negative
[1:33:07 PM] Charles T. A: being positive about everything and never considering the negative can be bad
[1:33:50 PM] Tammy A: Well yeah, but would you rather I'm like this or like I have been??
[1:34:26 PM] Charles T. A: like this
[1:34:38 PM] Tammy A: ok so go with it and dream with me, please
[1:34:49 PM] Charles T. A: much prefer you being positive than the usual negitive
[1:35:09 PM] Tammy A: so why are you being negative when you are normally positive?
[2:02:22 PM] Tammy A: I think we will just buy 2 of these when we get tax returns-
[2:03:16 PM] Tammy A: The price is for 2. That way we will have one for all of the boys, of course we will have to get Sky a car seat still but it's a better price to buy them 2 at a time then just one at a time.
[2:04:07 PM] Charles T. A: not a bad price
[2:04:14 PM] Tammy A: Nope it's not
[2:05:05 PM] Tammy A: I think we will just get one of these to start with for twins-
[2:05:27 PM] Tammy A: And IF we have jsut one then we will get a travel system
[2:06:10 PM] Tammy A: That way we can get cute carseats and not have to worry about if they fit the stroller (that and double strollers that will fit 2 car seats cost like $200)
[2:09:18 PM] Tammy A: Sigh. I'm trying to figure out how to get the stuff I want without anyone finding out we know the genders...
[2:17:43 PM] Tammy A: Cam lsot one of the AAA batteries and the mouse batteries died. I found some in the drawer that aren't rechargable but who knows how good they are
[2:18:23 PM] Tammy A: I want this one-
[2:18:43 PM] Tammy A: So much that we jsut might buy it with tax returns anyway and save it for when we need it
[2:23:10 PM] Tammy A: sigh. your gettin mad at me.
[2:34:31 PM] Tammy A: WALMART HAS THE SET I WANT!!!!!!
[2:34:44 PM] Tammy A:
[2:36:12 PM] Tammy A: And instead of $124.99 it's only $89.96!
[2:36:20 PM] Charles T. A: nice
[2:36:43 PM] Charles T. A: I do like the all in one crib, just not the price
[2:37:14 PM] Tammy A: Yea, I don't like the price either, but it is cheeper then buying all the stuff by it's self though.
[2:37:22 PM] Charles T. A: yeah
[2:37:36 PM] Charles T. A: and sturdier than just a crib
[2:37:40 PM] Tammy A: Yea it is
[2:37:46 PM] Tammy A: They have this one too-
[2:37:57 PM] Tammy A: And others that weren't on babies r us
[2:38:08 PM] Tammy A: It's a sign!
[2:38:11 PM] Tammy A: (wasntme)
[2:38:26 PM] Charles T. A: your funny
[2:39:22 PM] Tammy A: Oh come on! What are the chances of finding that set at Walmart for so much less??? I have never seen the same stuff at walmart that babies r us has. Never!
[2:39:29 PM] Tammy A: At least not like this anyway
[2:40:34 PM] Tammy A:
[2:40:52 PM] Tammy A: That's all of them that they have that are 10 piece sets
[2:42:07 PM] Tammy A: They have the one you liked too
[2:44:06 PM] Tammy A: Your still not going to let me get it, uh???
[2:44:49 PM] Charles T. A: nope
[2:45:15 PM] Tammy A: I say, that sense I'm going to be pregnant by then and everythign will be going fine, we will be able to hear the heart beats by the time we are done buying everything, you should let me get it, and I'll even get the one that can go for either instead of getting the girl or boy one....
[2:45:25 PM] Tammy A: You really need to give me this much....
[2:46:38 PM] Charles T. A: I don't mind saving the money for it, but until it is to a point that we are for sure having a baby, I don't wanna buy anything
[2:46:56 PM] Tammy A: But it coudl be gone by then!
[2:47:06 PM] Charles T.A : or even look to much into it
[2:47:22 PM] Charles T. A: it could be gone in 2 weeks for all we know
[2:47:40 PM] Tammy A: FINE
[2:51:43 PM] Charles T. A: I am not trying to be mean or anything
[2:51:55 PM] Charles T. A: so sorry if that is how its coming across
[2:52:26 PM] Tammy A: I'm jsut trying to be positive and your killing it with all your negative thinking....
[2:52:50 PM] Charles T. A: I am trying to be realistic, not negative
[2:53:07 PM] Tammy A: I figure IF it's still there and we can get it come April when we have bought everythign else I will be at 12 weeks (assuming I get pregnant this month) so we should get it before it's gone...
[2:53:30 PM] Charles T. A: and right now we don't even know if you will get prego before we say thats it and call it
[2:54:08 PM] Charles T. A: when/if you get prego we can look at it more
[2:55:31 PM] Tammy A: fine....
[2:57:05 PM] Tammy A: What's the point in even trying then? Why bother? Why not jsut stop now and forget it? Why are we even bothering to try and get pregnant when you seem to know that there is no hope of having another baby anyway?
[2:57:50 PM] Tammy A: I guess I wastes the money to up grade my account on fertility friend in hopes of getting pregnant because it doesn't matter anyway. Even if it does happen we will jsut be faced with even more heart break so why even bother???
[3:04:15 PM] Charles T. A: don't be like that
[3:04:28 PM] Tammy A: How should I be then???
[3:04:58 PM] Tammy A: Your telling me that I shouldn't look or even bother dreaming because there is no hope so how should I be?
[3:05:03 PM] Charles T. A: keep looking forward, I don't mind if you look at stuff, I just don't wanna buy anything just yet
[3:05:54 PM] Tammy A: Oh yeah, because we really have the money for you to be worried that Iwould buy something...
[3:06:01 PM] Tammy A: You need to make up your mind.
[3:06:45 PM] Tammy A: One minute you are telling me to not even look at anything or dream or anything because there is no reason to even hope until I'm far enough along that the baby can live if I go into labor and now your saying to go ahead nad look but not to buy anything
[3:06:59 PM] Charles T. A: yeah well tax returns are around the corner and I know you wanna be buying that stuff with some of that money
[3:07:28 PM] Tammy A: after everything else is bought I don't see a problem with it assuming I'm pregnant by then
[3:08:23 PM] Tammy A: But you don't even want to think about me getting pregnant and you are doing everything you can to get me to stiop thinking that itwill happen and jsut except that we are done having kids and that I'm never going to have another baby, so what's the point in what we are doing??
[3:08:52 PM] Tammy A: WE should jsut start preventing now and get it over with sense you think I'm so broken I will jsut kill our baby again
[3:09:20 PM] Charles T. A: I did not say that and I am not thinking it
[3:09:36 PM] Tammy A: You don't have to say it
[3:09:40 PM] Charles T. A: nor will I think it
[3:09:55 PM] Charles T. A: you are not broken
[3:10:00 PM] Tammy A: You have made it very clear you think we have no chance of having another baby
[3:11:35 PM] Tammy A: So fine we will just stop trying and I'll stop dreaming and hoping because there is no hope anyway
[3:15:23 PM] Charles T. A: I am going to stop discussing it until we can talk face to face about it, because I am apparently putting out the wrong message with trying to talk about it through IM
[3:16:30 PM] Tammy A: fine. but there's no point talking face to face. I got the message. No hope, give up, no chance. I got it
[3:17:19 PM] Charles T. A: that is point, you have gotten the wrong message from what I have been saying
[3:19:17 PM] Tammy A: And you know what? Your right. What's the point in trying anymore anyway? We have been trying for almost 2 years and the only thing that has heppened is I have proved I can't take care of our babies and I kill them. Why bother putting another one threw that?
[3:19:54 PM] Charles T. A: you take excellent care of our babies/kids
[3:20:07 PM] Charles T. A: YOU didn't kill them
[3:20:23 PM] Charles T. A: we have no clue what happened in either case
[3:20:46 PM] Tammy A: only that they died for no reason
[3:20:59 PM] Tammy A: they were perfectly fine
[3:21:37 PM] Tammy A: so the only option is that I didn't take care of them and give them what they needed
[3:21:44 PM] Charles T. A: yeah they died for no reason and it was unexplained, but it was certainly nothing you did or could have stopped
[3:23:12 PM] Charles T. A: for all we know their spirits weren't quite ready for this world yet and they still had something left to do in heaven before they came to us
[3:23:39 PM] Tammy A: see? your doing it again!
[3:24:01 PM] Charles T. A: what?
[3:24:01 PM] Tammy A: That kind of thinking is what makes me want twins so badly.
[3:24:42 PM] Tammy A: I keep hearing that over and over and know that there are 2 spirts that are coming to us and yet we are only getting pregnant one more time so I jsut have to have twins or we will only get one of them!
[3:28:03 PM] Charles T. A: which candy can't get anywhere on time?
[3:28:13 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:28:21 PM] Charles T. A: choco-late
[3:28:35 PM] Tammy A: I was thinking now and later
[3:28:53 PM] Charles T. A: where does an alien get its milk?
[3:29:03 PM] Tammy A: the milky way
[3:29:09 PM] Charles T. A: yep
[3:29:14 PM] Tammy A: duh
[3:29:25 PM] Tammy A: still not helping...
[3:29:32 PM] Charles T. A: which president was the biggest ham?
[3:29:37 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:30:01 PM] Charles T. A: abra-ham(lincoln of course)
[3:30:34 PM] Charles T. A: what kind of ship never sinks?
[3:30:38 PM] Tammy A: you won....I can't see it matter how hard I's gone...
[3:30:42 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:30:47 PM] Charles T. A: friendship
[3:33:32 PM] Tammy A: I should stop looking at wedding stuff too because there is no way we can come up with the money for that anyway...
[3:36:25 PM] Tammy A: mouse is dead...Bry will have to use your computer to play when you get home
[3:43:44 PM] Tammy A: where are you getting all these from anyway?
[3:44:05 PM] Charles T. A: laffy taffy
[3:44:35 PM] Tammy A: thought so
[3:47:40 PM] Tammy A: I guess this is how Jay's story hope...not the message I was hoping to send but I guess it can't be helped......
[3:58:01 PM] Charles T. A: so two guys walk into a bar....
[3:58:04 PM] Charles T. A: OUCH
[3:58:15 PM] Charles T. A: they should have ducked
[3:59:03 PM] Charles T. A: sorry I am not being very clear today...I forgot to drink my Windex
[4:03:30 PM] Tammy A: your being very clear

And just like that my positive thinking is gone...I'm back to being my pessimistic self...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Jan 21, 2009

So I did something today that I don't do. I went back and read posts I wrote a year ago. I noticed that the month I got pregnant with Peanut all my posts are about not wanting another baby and being scared it will happen again. And even after I found out that I was pregnant they all talk about losing another baby. I'm not going to do that again. I'm only letting positive thoughts in this time.

By Halloween I will be holding my twins! I'm going to get pregnant this month and they are going to be just perfect!

As hard as it is for me to be optimistic, I know that I have to be. I can't let all the negative thoughts predict my future anymore. Life is going to be good. I'm to the point where I can get my pregnancy massage certification and then start working toward my dream. And I'm going to have my twins this year and they are going to be the cutest! I'll take them to the Christmas party and everyone will think they are the cutest! Everyone will be oohing and aahing over them and life will be perfect.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Jan 20, 2009

I've been feeling so many things lately. Most of them I'm not even sure what they are. So much seems to be going on. Chas wants to not limit ourselves to only 3 more months. He wants to keep trying until he is fixed. I think this is mostly because he doesn't want to use any other form of birth control though. Sigh.
I'm finding that it is very hard for a pessimist to stay positive, but stay positive I must. Every time my thoughts seem to go negative I take a deep breath and imagine how great it will be to get a BFP this month and have my twins by the end of the year =)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Jan 14, 2009

It seems now I have way to much time so it's easier to post more often. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

So another month is gone, only 3 more cycles left to keep trying and then that's it. If I don't have a baby by the end of the year Ijust won't have another one. Like I mentioned in my last post Ihave this thing with the movie The Secret right now. It jsut makes so much sense to me. The only problem is that there is so much emotion behind what I want- both good and bad. So I'm not sure which one will win. I have been spending time today visualizing myself in the moments of when I get my BFP, being at the U/S, and at the delivery. Thankfully I have a really good imagination so it all seems very real. I always end up so happy that I'm crying. I really hope that emotion is strong enough to get results fast. It just has to be. The only problem I have is that Ican't seem to decide on what gender I want the twins to be. That is making it hard to really see the delivery in full and the moments after. I keep going back and forth from 2 girls to a girl and a boy. Money wise it woudl be better to go for 2 girls because Ihave gotten rid of everything so I would only have to buy girl stuff that they could share, other wise I would have to buy both boy and girl stuff. Although if I REALLY wanted to think about money I would give up having another one as a bad idea anyway. I've also been going back and forth on when I get pregnant with my twins if I want to tell people we are having twins or not. Of course, then I couldn't even post it here because a lot of people I know IRL read this....hmmm I will have to figure that out. But for right now all my thoughts, all my energy, every emotion I can is getting put into getting pregnant with twins and having them happy and healthy and in my arms in Oct. The law of attraction. This is going to work. =)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Jan 12, 2009

20 months.

That's how long it has been sense we decided to have another baby.

As another month is passing now I keep trying to think that it will happen in time. But time has almost run out. In June Chas will get fixed and that will be the end of it. Either I will have a baby by the end of the year or I will never have one again. I called my dr's office again today and talked to the nurse. She told me that I should come in and see if the dr can help in anyway. I only have 3 months left though, what if I put all that effort into trying just to have it do nothing? Then I might as well have just done nothing only I will have spent so much money on stuff to try to make it work. As much as I want to do everything I can, I know it won't change anything. Nothing I do or don't do won't change the way this ends. I just wish I knew for sure how it would end.

I watched the movie "The Secret" not too long ago and I've been trying to use that. Every time it doesn't happen though I can't help but wonder if it really does work, then I stop myself and keep telling myself it will happen.

For those that haven't seen "The Secret" I really recomend you do. It jsut might change your life. Basically it is about the law of attraction, meaning whatever we think about we bring into our lives. So I'm asking anyone and everyone that reads this please start thinking that I'm going to get pregnant with happy healthy twins and be holding them by the end of the year. Maybe if enough of us think it, it will happen faster =) At the very least it can't hurt, right?

So AF should be here on Weds. I caved and took a dollar store test last night and got a bfn so I'm sure I'm out this month, and I'm ok with it. Probably because of my positive thinking. So stick with me now while I do something that the movie suggests.

It's Valentine's day 2009. Chas and I are sitting together and the boys have gone to bed. I'm over the moon and just waiting for the perfect time to tell him that I'm pregnant. He has no clue because I've been so careful to not let on. When I tell him he is just as happy as I am.

It's March 12, 2009, Chas' birthday. I've been to the dr and they did an U/S. They found 2 heartbeats. All I told Chas was that everythign looked good. Today is when I tell him that we are having not one but two. Even though he has told me that he doesn't want twins, he is still happy, shocked, but happy.

It's June 3rd, 20 weeks. I have made it this far and everything looks great. The twins are still doing great and everything is wonderful. Chas really wants to know the genders but we decide to not find out. Although we ask for gender shots anyway in an envelope. I'm really good at telling gender so we can still find out ;)

It's Sept 30th, 37 weeks. I've made it to full term and am being induced today. The twins are still doing great but because there are 2 of them it's not a good idea to wait any longer. They are born on Oct 1st. Both perfect and healthy. We bring them home a few days later and life is just perfect. =)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Jan 9, 2009

Another year. Wow. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I kpet meaning to, but stuff kept happening. First my power cord had a short, then my internet was out, and that was all during the holidays and after finals. ugh. It was crazy. Hopefully I can get caught back up with this post.

So last month I was late...but AF still showed up. I had a very faint line on a hpt, then I was late. I wonder if I lost another one and just will never know. It's not fair. I spent the holidays really down. It would have been Jay's first Christmas, I would have been expecting Peanut in a few weeks. It just sucked all around. I finally gave up. I decided there was no hope left. I was never having another baby and I had to be ok with that. As hard as it was to except I had gotten there. I was really ok. I was able to get rid of baby stuff without it hurting. Sure there is some things I still can't get rid of and I might never be able to. Even if I were to have another baby, I might not ever be able to get rid of that stuff. So it sits in a box, locked away for now. Then yesterday something happened (that was my fault) that set me back again. I am no longer "ok" and it sucks.

Yesterday I called my dr office to find out how long was too long and the lady I talked to (the nurse and dr weren't in) said that 20 months is too long (duh) and didn't even pay attention to the fact that I had 2 losses in there, both of them kind of later on. So I had an appointmetn for today to go in and see if the dr wanted to do anything. Well Chas couldn't get time off work so I had to cancel it. That was it for me being "ok" I had been given hope again and now it is gone again. It's not fair.

Ok so that's caught up in the shortest way possible. Here I sit-hopeless and wondering how much longer I should even bother. What seems to be the point?

I threw a big temper tantrum last night (it can't be called anything else) and I almost destroyed everything in my box of stuff I can't get rid of. I have this pregnancy journal that I bought last month in there. I almost ripped it to pieces, but Chas stopped me. It's just too hard...

Add to all of this my adoptive father, who is the biggest jerk in the world, is dying from cancer in his pancreas. The chances of living through this are less then 5% although no dr will admit that to him or my mother. I know because of school and talking to a teacher there that teaches about this stuff. Actually as I was typing this post I got a call that he has "gone sideways" as my younger brother put it. Basically he has had blood clots in his legs and in his lungs. They have been trying to get rid of them but now it seems the blood clots in his legs are "causing problems" and he is in "gaurded but serious condition" and the next 7 hours are going to determine if he will make it or not...Like I said this guy is a real piece of work but still...I"m not sure how I feel right now. I had decided that I was going to take a trip over there to see him one last time and let him see the boys. Only I won't have the money to do that until March when I get tax returns back. Now I don't think I will have the chance. I thought Iwas only doing it for the kids, but I guess I really needed to go too. Now I don't think I will be able to. It just sucks...

I'm dealing with way to much. I don't know how anyone can handle all of this. I pray for strength. I know something has to give at some point. I just don't know what that something is going to be and I pray I can make it through when it does.