Thursday, July 31, 2008

Praise You In This Storm

July 30, 2008

Glory Baby Lyrics- A friend of mine told me about this song. It is about loosing a baby to miscarriage and it fits so well how I feel about both Jay and Peanut.

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

Praise You in This Storm Lyrics- This song seems to have the most effect on me. I spent today listening to it over and over and just crying. I seem to be getting anwers as I listen to it that I never thought I would ever get. As I listen to this song I feel like we are meant to have more children, but I also feel like we have to go through more pain and heartbreak before we get there. I knwo one day I will get to hold another baby, maybe more then one I'm not sure, that is mine. I knwo I will make it through a pregnancy at some point I jsut have to get there on His time, not mine.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You and
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Celebrating my birthday

I think I already said this but my birthday was the day we found out about Peanut so needless to say there was no cake or ice cream or any party. We promised the boys we would do it later, well later came today. It feels so wrong to be celebrating the same day we lost the baby. I know it was my birthday first, but still. They lit the candes and sang happy birthday, then they told me to make a wish. that is whe the tears started to fall. I was barely able to blow out the candles. My boys of course watned to know what I wished for. Bry told me right away he knew what I wished for- a baby. Chas told him maybe maye not. Sure it crossed my mind, so did just waking up and having all of this be a dream. But I don't think either seems very likely right now. In the end I'm not sure what I wished for to be honest but I guess it doesn't matter as I didn't blow out the candes in one shot. I guess that's just one more sign that I won't be having another baby or waking up anytime soon. Or maybe it's just that I am now getting old. I think the more likely answer though is that it is very hard to blow out candles when you are crying. It's hard to breathe without sobbing so blowing is really, really hard.

July 26, 2008

Another day. That's all today is, another day. I have been looking for answers for over 9 months now and now I am back to looking for answers. Everyone thinks this time should be easier, but it's not. I think it is harder because of how it had to end and because more people knew and I have to go on with life. Before I had time to grieve, time to move on. This time I don't have that. I have finals at school next week so I have to get my head together and study so I don't loose my 4.0 too. I have worked to hard to lose everything so I jsut have to do it. I hate that I have to go to school and act like it's no big deal and life is great. I put off when I will go to the doctor to try to make sure that my head will be in finals instead of thinking about the test results. I just don't know how to do this. I know that more likely then not I will go in on Aug 4th and be told they have no answers, none and I will be left with nothing. I'm sure they will tell me that becasue they have no answers next time I will be treated the same as well. No extra visits or U/S or anythign to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. If that's the case we will have to be done. I don't know how to go on knowing that this is how it ends though. It doesn't feel right. In my heart I have felt for awhile now that we are meant to have twins and with each pregnancy I have tried to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to happen. I was really surprised to find that Peanut wasn't a twin. I thought for sure I was having twins as it was our last chance and I really thought I would make it to the end this time. I did everything I could to make myself think it was jsut my wishful thinking and not realy the path God had layed out for us. Now I'm not so sure. I wonder if we lost Peanut because we are meant to have twins some day and in the mean time God is sending us all the babies that just need their wings so we have enough time between that it won't be so hard. But I also think I am jsut being wishful. We have agreed to not do anything in the way of birth control (like pills, IUDs, or permanent methods) and to just prevent in other ways should we prevent at all. So for now I feel like I am in limbo. The doctor said we need to wait for one cycle to start before we can start trying again (if I want to be a good girl anyway, but DH is a very bad influence) and I really feel like my body is going to be "broken" again like it was after Jay and if that is the case it will be 6 months before I can get pregnant again anyway unless we do something to "fix" me and we tried everything but fertility drugs last time and nothing worked. I jsut don't know what to do or what to think. I'm still in shock an numb. I know I am. I feel like I can't be anything else right now. Maybe after Aug 4th I will feel more like it is real and it is over. I don't know. I jsut wish I knew what to do and where we go from here.

Friday, July 25, 2008

July 25, 2008

I had the D&C last night at about 5:30 PM. I was out about a half hour later Chas said and I was awake not much after that. I don't have it in me this second to post too much so I will copy the posts I made to friends on a chat board.

Post 1-
I am leaving to take the boys to my aunt's house and then DH and I will be going to the hospital for the D&C. I hope they will be willing to give me another U/S before we get started (I don't see why they wouldn't) and I will be staying at my sunt's house tonight. I'm taking the laptop with so I should be able to get online at the hospital but I don't know if I will be able to at my aunt's. Please think of us today.

Post 2-
So it turns out I do get internet here after all. That's probably the lst bit of good news in this post. I got a cal from my dr about 45 min ago to make sure I got his message last night about coming an hour earlier then he first told me and to let me know that today is not looking good after all. It seems there are a lot of happy pregnant woman giving birth to healthy live babies right now so they might not be able to get me in. I was told to call the hospital at noon and ask. The thing is i will have to call them before that to be able to get up there by 1 like my dr wants (so my ride can get ready to take me) I can't believe this. If it's not today I am back to waiting for a week or more! I can't do this, not again. I'm trying so hard to just trust God but it is really hard right now. How coud He give me a baby that I thought I would never get jsut to rip it away, then give me hope that this will end soon just to be told that I might have to wait after all? I know He has a plan and I have to trust it, but how much can I take? Really? This is to much. I can't do this, I just can't. I just can't not again. My baby...

Post 3-
It's about 1 PM here and I have been at the hospital for about 30 min so far. They have finished checking me in and now i am waiting for my IV and the U/S. DH and I both keep thinking that they will look and Peanut will be there alive and well with no reason for what they saw the other day. We know the chances of that are next to none but we can't stop feeling like this isn't real. It doesn't feel right. With Jay I didn't question for a second, I knew it from the begining. I had no doubt. This time when I didn't see the heartbeat I just knew it was the angle. DH grabbed my hand and I still didn't flinch, I knew they would find it. Well Tech here, BBL

Post 4-
it wasn't the tech it was the dr with an U/S machine. Still no heartbeat. The IV is in so typing is really hard. They are going to put meds at my cervix and then 3 hours after I will go to the OR and be knocked out for the D&C. The nurse told me that there are two ways to do it- give me an epidural like med or knock me out. My dr wants to knock me out thank goodness! He is running antibody tests and blood clot tests so hopefully we will get to the bottom. I had the thyroid test done weeks ago for a study to find pregnant woman in the high or low ranges of normal to treat so I know I'm ok there or they woud have called me about it. This just seems like a horrible dream. I think the worst part is knowing that I will fall asleep pregnant and wake up not pregnant with no idea if I ever will be again. With Jay I knew we would try again, no I don't know. Time will tell and hopefully the tests will give answers that make the choice easier either way.

Post 5-
the nurse came with the meds for my cervix so now the count down is on. In 3 hours at the most I will go into surgery and come out not pregnant. I think I am going to take a nap. I went to bed at about 2, couldn't sleep (duh) and woke up at 6 AM even though I had another hour that I could sleep. So I am tired. Sleep sounds nice. Now if only I can do it with this stupid IV in my hand.

Post 6-
I'm still here and still waiting. As my dr put it because we are on the L&D floor we are at "the mercy of the Labor Gods" so because emergency cases came in I have to wait. He told me he gets off at 5 so he "might" go home and then he would just come back when they are ready but should it get to be 9 or 10 PM and it looks like I won't get in any time soon he will call the normal OR and get me in tomorrow and send me home. He said at least I have the cervix stuff in so it might just happen on it's own should that be the case. They actually do give the cervix stuff to woman so they don't have to have a D&C, some one in my class did it around the time I found out I was pregnant so it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It would just be trying to find some one to watch my boys tomorrow as my aunt has to work. She probably could get the time off but still.

Post 7- (reply to someone else saying that God was using me to help others)
I know what you mean by using me to help others. That was the only thought that got me through lossing Jay and it is something I have been thinking this time too. I know so many lurk and don't post that are reading this and I know that many, if not all, that read this think the same things that Andrea has said. To think about me and this happening not jsut once but twice really makes you think about how lucky you really truly are. I have had many tell me that through me lossing Jay it 'cured" their GD, for that I am greatful. He had a purpose and a meaning even if I don't like not having him with me and I know the same is true this time. Every time I log onto the board in all honesty I wonder why I am doing it. I wonder why I read the threads and post back. Especially now. I wondered why I came here to post about the baby and I keep posting all day about what is going on. I wish i could say it's because I know so many care and want to know, but the truth is I don't know why I do it. It would be so much easier to just not come to this board anymore. Because (sense I'm telling the truth) I really have a hard time reading the posts about people being sad to have a healthy baby. Sure I get it, I know that feeling all to well, yet I know that there is much worse. As I said I found the cure for GD but I refuse to share. I really hope that people can read about me and that God will use that to show them just how lucky they really are. That's why I started "Jay's Story" to show otheres they are not alone and how I am making it through. Now it's no longer just Jay's story though, Peanut is a part of it too. As much as it hurts and as much as I wish it wasn't me, i'm glad it's not someone else if that makes sense. Not very long ago I read about Emilie's loss on the TTC thread and my heart broke. I screamed and yelled because God would put HER through this. I screamed and yelled at every loss post I see here. I guess in a way I have asked to be "used" like this. He must be tired of me screaming at Him for "using" others. I would rather be the on here then see anyone else from this board be in my place. I can say that honestly and without a bit of doubt. I would rather it was me. I have done this before and I can and will do it this time. Right now God is teching me that it is his time, not mine. My heart can take more then I thought and I am stronger then I thought. He is teaching me that everyone is right- I am as strong as my grandma even though I can't see it. Maybe he is trying to show me I am stronger. Right now I have so many trials I don't know how I'm still breathing. anyone that has read my blog (Jay's Story) knows that my DH and I have hit (another) hard patch. I don't know how many more we can make it through before we crack yet he is still here by my side (well right no he went to get food, it doesn't seem fair for both of us to starve ) Holding me while I cry, listening to my ramblings should things go horribly wrong and I don't make it home. Making promises should it come to that. He is telling me that I can't go even if God wants me because him and the boys need me too much. I asked him what if Jay and Peanut need me more and he told me that's not possible. Even in the bad he is by myside when he could not be. Life is crazy and I know God is carrying me and that this will go the way it should even if I don't like it and even if I think its not fair. It will bo ok in the end. I have no clue what path my family is going to take. I have no idea if this is the end of having babies or not. DH nd I have talked about it and I have told God what I have to do. Should it not be right there are signs i am waiting for. Mostly in the test results. I know that even should the results come back and I think we are done, it doesn't mean I rely wil be should God want to give me another baby, even if it is just another one for me to hold long enough for him or her to get their wings and go back to his arms. I am praying and have so many praying for me too. Not jsut from this board but IRL too.
Sorry for the novel. I guess I really just needed to get this out while I was alone.

Post 8-
It is done. I'm just waiting for my RH shot and then I get to go home. I feel really good right now. I'm glad it is over. Later i'm sure I won't be as ok but for now I'm just glad that it is over. The hardest part was walking to the OR and having to leave DH behind at the doors. It was very scary seein the table and worring that something would go wrong. I said a prayer and I feel asleep fast. I woke up to DH holding my hand. All in all I'm really glad it is over.

So that was me yesterday. Today I am doing about the same. I have decided that I am nt going to go to school tonight. I know that physically I can do it but emotionally I just can't. There is a woman in my class that is due a few days before I was. Seeing her hurts to much. She asked me on Weds if I wanted to pair up for the final because we both cant do some things in class. I had to tell her that I lost the baby. She felt really bad for bringing it up but I knew she didn't know. I made all my "friends" mad at me because I told them I jsut needed to have some space right then. I knwo they can't understand and they want me to talk but talking doesn't help. It usually makes it worse because talking makes people think they have to answer and the answers don't help at all and make it worse more often then not. So why should I talk? I have set an expectation on myself that I will always be at class no matter what, but I know I can't go. I made Chas promise me that he would not let me go tonight because it will jsut make it worse later. not to mention I am on 5 different meds so massage is out of the question anyway just to be safe. I don't know what kind of side effects massage could have and I know enough to know that it's not a good idea to push it. One of the meds I will be done with by the time I go to bed, two of them I will be done with Sun night, and the other two are for pain (Ibprofin and another one incase the first isn't enough) so far I haven't needed any pain meds though. I go see my doctor next week to go over the test results so hopefully I will get answers.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

July 23, 2008

Once again it is realy tomorrow (if that makes sense) but I don't care. I talked to my doctor today and I will actually have the D&C tomorrow (today/July 24) instead of having to wait so long. I am so happy to just have it over with and be able to start trying to move on. There are so many things I want to say and will say but for now I have to much to do before morning so I will be back in a few days (I'm not sure I will have the computer tomorrow) and I will let it all out.

Messages from a friend

I don't mind at all talking about my losses. If my losses were for a purpose such as this I thank God for allowing me to be used, and my angels to be used to bless others or to give hope where hope is needed.
I'm going to be completely honest, the only thing keeping me going was my faith that God could and would do a miracle in my life. That he loved me and wanted the best for me, even when others were trying to ease my pain by saying he was telling me to just move on with my life.
There was an ache in my heart for a girl... But there was an even bigger ache for one last child to hold, to love, to share my heart with. Was I willing to believe that God wanted that too or would I let others guide my heart. My first m/c was at 5 wks. I went into that office for a pregnancy test to confirm, full of hope, but when I went to the RR for the urine test I was bleeding. My heart sank the moment they confirmed on the u/s that there was nothing there. Some say it's a chemical pregnancy, that just because your baby was reabsorbed into your being, it doesn't count... Tell my heart that. They told me to wait to TTC 3 months but I just couldn't do it. I waited two months and conceived again right away. I was elated, hopeful because they told me it was just something that happens. We didn't tell anyone until Christmas time when I was about 2 months/8 wks pregnant. I truly believed that everything would be fine. On New Years Eve I started spotting and we went to the ER... They told me that there was no heartbeat and I would m/c... I went home broken. I just wanted to have a child. And i questioned God. Why? Why not me? What am I supposed to do, just move on with my life? But I refused to give up hope and I refused to listen to that Dr. When I went to my OB 4 days later there was a baby and a heartbeat!!! I believed God had given me my miracle. My OB put me on bedrest because I had a subchorionic hemmorage and we went in two weeks later to find that I had lost the baby shortly after I had seen him... I opted to mc naturally (which I'll never do again). the next month I was pregnant again but I m/c again at 5 wks.
After that I just decided to give my heart a break, lose weight and seek God... Perhaps I was supposed to just move on? Perhaps there was a lesson to be taught in my life... Sometimes we just try to understand these things logically and there is no logic in it, no more than there is in our desire for a daughter. I prayed that God would help me to accept his will. To find peace in his will no matter what life had in store for me. I just couldn't give up on my dream...
When we started TTC one year later my dad told me that he had a vision that I was pregnant... and I would have a baby girl in Nov... My FIL called to ask me if I was pregnant cause he said my SIL told him I was... And my sister asking me if I was pregnant... I actually O'd early that month and conceived in March so my due date was Nov!! After all these signs I truely believed that this baby was going to make it 9 months. We once again heard that the baby had died and I chose to have a D&C so they could see if there were any issues causing it. Nothing came back and even if it did there was something in me saying we would have to be done because I couldn't justify spending more financially when I had a beautiful family already. I was blessed already.
We got a number for an RE but I just couldn't go yet. I just wanted time to heal once again and decide how far I would go to have another child. Over the next few months I still felt that strong desire for a baby... It just never goes away no matter how much you wish it away. If it's there, it's there... I made an appt. with the RE and he gave me RX's to begin testing... But I told him I could be pregnant already because we weren't cautious. Low and behold we were pregnant! But at 5 wks I m/c'd again, my fifth baby...
That's when I feel I finally gave it to God. I just knew I couldn't take it much longer, I couldn't put my family or my heart through the pain any longer. I finally could see my life without a daughter... without another baby. I decided to not go back to the RE for testing, that if this was God's will then I would accept it, even if it broke my heart. That week I m/c'd I went to church and my spirit just broke.. I knew that I couldn't take it any longer. That it was either God or nothing... My Pastors message and call to the alter was my last draw... I was broken.
When my friend came to pray over me with my Pastor, I felt a touch I have never felt before flow over me... It wasn't something that I knew my future with but that I knew God was going to be there for me, that he had healed me, healed my heart. I walked away at peace with God's decision for my life, whatever his will was. That's all I had prayed for. That I have peace in my heart.
One more try, one more heartache or one more miracle... That's what I felt was the right thing to do. No one could convince me otherwise. Through those 3 years I heard so many well meaning family and friends tell me to basically give up and enjoy my blessings. I never listened to them and I rebuked those who told me God was telling me to move on! Well two weeks later we got a BFP...
I never gave up even when I didn't think there was hope. I believed that God would answer me and I believed that even if his answer was to stay Mom2sixsons, I knew that peace would surround me. I called the RE and he confirmed by U/S at 7w4d that I was indeed pregnant!! Of course I was nervous, of course I bawled... And each week up until 12 weeks, that I had my u/s's, I just feared the answer God may have for me. Yes, I believed he healed me but I knew that his answer was yet undecided.
I thank God for answering me in HIS time, in his way. It took me three years and 5 babies to really come to terms with my life, to let go and let God. Did it take that desire for a girl away forever?... No, but it allowed me to find a love for a son that I would have been broken hearted with just six months before. The losses did help me to move forward and to JUST WANT A BABY... There was that desire I could never get rid of. And I hated it!! I wanted that desire to go away forever, I wanted to be one of those moms who would be happy with all boys... I found that when I went to my 20 wk u/s! I found peace like I had prayed for and when I thought I saw that little turtle I knew God had blessed me with my Malachi!!! I knew that my all boy family was a blessing!
I grew so much in those three years. My faith grew, my heart grew, my wisdom grew... Life is about lessons. We go through it thinking we control it but in the end it controls us... I wouldn't have appreciated my sons the way I do now if God had answered my prayers so many years ago. I wouldn't have known the joy of having my boys if he had given me a DD in my youth. I wouldn't have accepted his will if I hadn't struggled with 5 losses...
I consider this part of my life a blessing. I am now able to help those around me who have lost a baby. I am now able to say that YOU CAN be happy with your life, no matter how the cards unfold. You have to decide what is right for YOU... Do you want a child? Then press on! Do you want a DD? Then press on! Are you wiling to sacrifice heartache, money, time? Then press on!
If your heart aches for another child then I believe it aches for a reason. I never thought that I would come to a point in my life where I would feel done. But one day, after almost two years of praying, I felt this peace and assurance that it was time to stop having babies. I called and scheduled it that day! I looked back only for a short time and wondered if it was the right answer but I know it was now.
Don't give up on your dream if that's what you're heart wants. There will be an answer... You just have to be willing to accept the final outcome.
Things could have turned out so differently for me... I could have moved on and accepted my family without another child. I could have been blessed with a son and not a DD. The thing is, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would have been okay either way. I still wonder what my last son would have looked like because I expected him in the end... I still wonder what life with two or three kids would have been like... I still wonder what having all girls would be like... I still wonder a lot of things but I KNOW that in the end I would have been able to see the blessings I have had in my life. I would have known that my boys were here for a purpose. I would have known that my losses helped me to become a better mother, a better wife, a better person... Because I learned that life is precious and that we all see each others lives a little better than our own.
We all want what others have... When we just need to SEE what we have ourselves. If I could give you one thing it would be peace. The greatest blessing of my life was the peace I found in this part of my life. If you find that, you will find your answer. You will be healed no matter where the road takes you.
They didn't find my thyroid issue until I was 14 wks so I don't believe that is why Lydia is here today. I believe she is here because it was in God's will. I try to remember every day that my kids are here because it's HIS will, that one day their purpose will be revealed. That today it could be his will to take them home... How much harder to lose a child you've loved for years? I can't imagine the pain, but I remind myself that there are those who have had a life much harder than even mine.
I was molested as a child... I choose to use that to help others. I married a divorced man with a child... I choose to use that to help others by letting them know the struggles of it. I had five sons... I choose to help other moms know that having sons can be a blessing even when you're missing the other... I lost five babies... I choose to see that through those I have found peace and I am able to share God's message of hope and peace.
You will find your answer, I believe that. One day at a time, and one heartache at a time if that's where the road leads. Just remember that God is always there. That he doesn't give us more than we can handle and in the end, if you really want a child, it is worth the heartache. Abraham and Sarah were promised a son... SHE LAUGHED AT GOD'S PROMISE! Because she believed she was too old. Even so, God blessed them as he said he would with Isaac... Imagine the heartache, the hopelessness, the anger... But in the end he did answer them, IN HIS TIME!
I live my life for a purpose, and it's not my own. My hope, my joy, my peace... It comes from God. If you aren't a Christian, please forgive me... But I have been down a road without Christ, and I'm never going back. He is the only peace I find in life. Especially in a life so full of heartache, pain, and disappointment. Through all my depression, through many times in my life, he is the only one that has kept me alive. I give him all the glory!
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers... Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care... Cause some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I'm sure you've heard me mention this before... But it bears repeating. God is there for you. He will answer you and he knows what's best for us... Even if we think we know.
I know all too well that having a girl, having a baby... It doesn't feel that void. Only God can do that. I'm still looking for "things" to fill my voids... Does it make it better? Yes, but like everything, there is good and bad with every decision we make.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that God give you peace like he has me and that one day you get to hold another blessing in your arms. If you want that, I can tell you, it's worth every heartache that you feel you can bare. I would do it all again to have that dream fulfilled!
Sorry for the novel...
I sent that to you thinking... OVER AND OVER... about whether or not it sounded right. Whether I needed to change something, add or delete something, whether I was being pushy... Thank you for making me see that it's not what I write but how God intends to use it... I'm glad that my angels are still alive in my being able to witness to others. You can surely use it on your blog. My story is also on my myspace page!
I remember going back and forth with each m/c... Is it God's will for me to be done or am I listening to myself more than him? Do I really want to go back to that baby stage at this point? Each time it just felt right to move forward. It was my healing, having a baby was my only healing in those times. I would move on and pray that the next baby would stay with me.
It wasn't until that 5th m/c that I knew I couldn't keep going, that my dream was about to end if God made that choice for me. It was then too that I knew I would be okay. If I had stopped trying before that I would have regretted it for a lifetime but finally I felt peace with moving on if I did in fact lose another baby.
I wondered that same thing... It felt so right, so real, when everything worked out with the dates and O'ing early. I guess that's why it was so hard to move on after that one. I had believed it was going to be a miracle, it was a vision foreseen... When that miracle died I felt torn. Why would God hurt me like this? Why would he allow this to happen and to give me hope like this? Our miracles aren't always God's!
Now as I look back, I grieve those babies I lost and wonder who they are and what they would have become, but I am thankful for the family I have now. For the space I have between my sons and Lydia. I am a very stressed person lately as the boys have gotten more and more involved in things... I don't think I could have handled the stress of having a baby close in age to Thaddeus. He is a very hard child... Had i had a baby when he was two as I planned, I would have been in a nut house! All things work together for good to those that love the Lord!!! I can and do attest to that. Never would I wish those struggles upon anyone but in the end, for me, it has been a blessing in many ways. I have found the answer to my problems which I wouldn't have even found if I hadn't meant my RE or went back to him when I got pregnant again after the 5th m/c... I would have went through years or depression, laziness, tiredness, being freezing cold even in the summer, migraine headaches... All those things that made me feel like a lousy mother were cured by one Dr. A Dr. that I never would have went to if I never had problems with mmc's. So in the end those mc's were the solution to many areas of my life.
I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you... Having a D&C is so hard going in, and waking up... But in the end it is much less of a rollercoaster than doing it natural. My husband felt like we were giving up on God because the day before that we had the u/s and he felt he saw a flutter of some sort at the u/s... I told him, that was my chance to say goodbye before my baby was given up to God. One last time to see my child and for that I was greatful. I knew it was over and I couldn't hold onto that thought even if he wanted to. You will make it through. If you don't get an answer for it to be done tomorrow just take that time to talk to that baby. He's still there and he's still a part of you.
You will find the answers. Seek him and believe that he knows your pain, he knows your hearts desire and in the end he will give you an answer.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

July 22, 2008 still

I'm sorry. I don't have it in me to really post so these are things I have posted else where-

I went in today to try to do the first tri screening again only to find out the heart wasn't beating. I noticed it right away. The tech looked and look, even tried turning on the blood flow and there was none. I just talked to my dr and it will be 2 weeks before I can get the D&C. He is going to figure out what tests we did last time and what ones need to be done. I asked him about just giving me somethign to jsut make it happen on it's own and he is going to think about it. He is afraid that I will bleed to much and get into trouble, end up in the ER, and have to go through a D&C anyway. He said that the baby is big enough that I will know it when I see it should that happen. He is going to talk with his partner tomorrow when he is at the office (he called me from home) and see what she thinks and then call me to let me know and to tell me when the D&C will be.
I just want this nightmare to be over. I can't believe I am doing it again. I don't know what is going on but by the sounds of it they think it could be something really serious causing this. One of which can be helped and the other can't. They think it could be (but VERY unlikely) a genetic problem that DH and I are passing down and we jsut got lucky the first 4 times when we have a 50/50 chance at a healthy baby or it could be anitbodies to some thing I cant remember (or pronounce) and that just means I will have to be watched and treated should I get pregnant again. Or it could be nothing and just one of those things because M/C are very common. I feel like I wasted $500 on clothes and a doppler. Dh wants to get fixed because we said no matter what this was it. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If the tests come back that there is something really wrong we probably won't have anymore. If it's something easily treated or just one of those things, I don't know what we will do. Maybe leave it up to God and just not care either way. I don't know. I just don't know.

July 22, 2008

12 weeks 1 day- No heartbeat
Happy birthday me.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

July 18, 2008

Ok so it's really the 19th, but who cares. I sit here in the middle of the night not able to sleep. I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling. After the ultrasound I was very happy. The baby was ok and looked good. The heart was strong and he moved several times. Just not the way we needed him to. So I go back on Tuesday to try again to do the tests. I guess right now I keep thinking about how I have an anterior placenta an how it will affect the pregnancy. I have no one to talk to about this as Chas is asleep so I sit here typing away, not sure if this matters or where this post will go. I can't find any info on anterior placenta (meaning the placenta has attached in the front instead of in the back like is normal) other then it will make it hard to hear the heartbeat with a doppler (great) and that it will make it hard to feel movement (even better) S as if i'm not worried enough I get to look forward to not being able to hear the heartbeat and not feeling the baby move. Yea me.
Pouty It just seems so not fair! I am trying so hard to think positive, but it's really not in my nature to do so and that makes it realy hard. Now I'm being told to expect to not hear the heartbeat and to not feel the baby move and just have faith that the baby is still ok!? Yep, this is going to work. How in the world am I going to make it now? How can I go the next 6-7 months knowing that I'm going to be wondering all the time and without even having the smallest comfort in the movements or the heartbeat??
Kicking Dirt Add to all of this I have really been thinking that I want to know what it feels like to go through the pregnancy and not find out gender until the baby is born but I feel like I have to find out because I cant find any gender neutral clothes! All the stuff that is listed as "unisex" is either pink or blue, has hearts or cars, it looks boy or it looks girl. The only choice I have found is to get yuck green (that really looks boy anyway) or get white t-shirts and onesies! Sense "everyone" finds out at the ultrasound what they are having, they don't have stuff for either. I guess I could just pull out my boy clothes and go with that either way, but I think I will get in trouble for putting a girl in boy clothes. That and Bry really wants to know. So does Lex. They have told me I have to find out but I really don't know if I want to. I think I will go through my baby stuff and see if I have enough stuff to last the baby for a week or two and if I do I just might not find out. I'm sure we are having boy #6 anyway, even though Chas thinks we are having a girl, Maybe I'll jsut not decide. If I happen to find out I find out, if I don't I don't. Thankfully I still have over a month to figure this out...Wow this was all over the place, uh? Well I warned that I had no idea where I was going. At least I feel a little less crowded in thought so thanks for that.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Thursday, July 17, 2008

July 17, 2008

Sorry to anyone that has been checking in all day to know how the ultrasound went. Well I have to go back on Tuesday July 22 (my birthday) because Peanut wouldn't roll over! He was sleeping and he had the hiccups. It was so cute! They were so nice to, they found the heartbeat right away for me. And they now make DVDs for everyone. It was so cool. AS for being back at the same hospital- the ride there was hard. I was on the same train and bus that I had taken 8+ months ago. Talk about a flash back. But I was ok over all. Got there and it wasn't a big deal, until they played the lullaby that they play when a baby is born. The first time I heard it I cried. I couldn't help it. After that first time I was ready and it stung but I was ok. So now I go back on Tuesday in hopes that he will be laying right so they can get the measurements they need. I keep thinking that later on it wouldn't be a bad thing if Peanut continued to be difficult with ultrasounds and doesn't let them get all the measurements they need later. It just means I can see him more. Oh an I found out why my doppler can't find the heartbeat. I have an anterior placenta, meaning it has attached in the front and Peanut liks to hide behind it and take his naps. Now I can stop worrying about that at least for few weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to post my DVD, but I have to change the format of it first. When I can I will post a link or the video.

Monday, July 14, 2008

July 14, 2008

2 days 21 hours 11 min until I will be at the hosptial for the first trimester screening and ultrasound. I still havent been able to get the heartbeat with the doppler and it makes me worry. I know that I probably am just to early to hear the heartbeat but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't shake this feeling that the baby is gone and that it's my fault because of everything that has happened this last week. UGH! I hate waiting and not knowing. I jsut want Thursday to come and go already, but at the same time I don't want it to ever get here. I felt this same way with Jay's ultrasound, which just makes me worry more.
Nervous 2 Waiting

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

July 8, 2008

Ok I know my last post was pretty criptic and in truth I did it that way on purpose. Even though I want this to be on open book, some things jsut have to be kept private, you know? Anyway, things are still complicated and I don't know what will happen now. It really looks like my marriage is on borrowed time. I know that this is really a problem that has just been pushed aside and has been an issue for a very long time now it has just gotten to the point that I can't ignore it or puh it away anymore. I wish it was an easier thing to say that's enough like if there was a drug addiction or something. Those you can see for what they are and you can draw the line, wlk away and no one ever questions that it was the right thing to do. But with this all I have ever gotten are questions about why should I leave or beng told it could be worse (like it could be a drug problem) a lot even tell me that I should just put up with it because of what it is. I get told so many things but I can't do it anymore and Chas knows that. Because of this it has torn us apart many times but because of what others say I always forgive and come back. I have way to much I'm dealing with right now and I can't keep doing this too. Between kids, baby, school, people at school, other people, and now Chas some thing has to give. I can't give up school because that is what will ive the kids a better life and give me the choice to not put up with other stuff. I can't do anything about peopel at school or other people that I run into. All I can do is make a choice to not live like this anymore and out up with it anymore. That is what I am doing. Should things change then I am open to trying again but I'm not going to just ignore it again. I can't do that....
On nother note so far baby seems to be fine (even with all the stress) and I have 8 days until the first trimester screening where I will get another U/S to see thsi little one. hopefully he will have gotten bigger and look realy good inspite of me emotions and stress.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

July 5, 2008

As if life isn't hard enough today I found out somethign that makes it even harder. Some thing it's good I know but it changes everything. And no it's not about the baby, but at this point I almost wish it was. I haveheard many many times that the loss of a child has ruined many marrages and i always thought mine would make it through. I guess though we have had our problems from the begining and most didn't think we would make it a year. We almost didn't. Now I sit here not sure what the future holds but knowing I can't do this anymore. History has repeated it's self and I told Chas right after we found out about Jay that should it happen I would have to walk away because I can't do this again. I have way to much right now to worry about and the truth is with everything I think I have fallen out of love anyway. I knowit sounds bad but losing Jay was the wrost thing that has ever happened to me and Chas seems to be able to just push it aside like it never happened. This is our baby for crying out loud and he doesn't even care! Add to it the repeat and I'm done. I can't keep going knowing that this is how life will be. For now I am stuck though. I have no where to go, no way to support the kids, and no way to put them in daycare even if I did. After Peanut is born that will be different and I won't be trapped anymore. For now I stay, not by choice but because I have to. If I"m being honest I know part of what caused the repeat is me and how I am (not) handling everything but I also know it is not my fault. It was a choice he made, not me. I don't really have any tears to shead over this. Ireally don't. Sure a few have fallen but not because of how things are, but because of the boys and Peanut. It's not fair that they should have to go through this but I can't sit by and let them grow up thinking it's ok either. So here I sit a part of a statisic, one more that has fallen to the loss of a child but that probably would have fallen anyway. I cry for my kids and what they will go through, I cry for Peanut because he/she probably won't really know his/her dad like the others do. I cry for Sky who won't really remember and for Cam because he won't really either. I cry for Bry and Lex because this will be really hard on them. They all love their dad so much as they should and now they will hate me forever for taking him away when in truth their dad has pushed me away and I guess I pushed him too. And now lines have been crossed that can never be taken back. It's over and I don't know what to do. My heart still breaks for Jay and his could care less. Myheart is filled with worry for Peanut and he thinks I'm crazy for worrying because what happened to Jay was just a "fluke" I'm tired of being alone in this and now that lines have been crossed it doesn't really matter anymore. I have enough people that don't care or understand and think I am crazy I don't need it from the one that should be my safe place to fall, the arms that should hold me when I cry. And now that life has fallen apart again I'm not going to fight to keep it anymore. I'm not going to say any more that is just how he is and he probably feels somethign deep inside that he hides. I'm done with the lies. I'm done.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

July 3, 2008

I realized the other day that when I go in on July 17th for the first trimester screening it will be the first time I will be at the hospital sense we lost Jay. I have to go to the same hospital and be on the same floor that he was delivered. I'm not sure how I am going to feel about this. i have to go back there for the 20 week ultrasound and to deliver as it's the only hospital my doctor works out of. I don't know how to do this. At least my aunt was able to watch the kids on July 17th so Chas can go with me. He knows it will be hard for me and he won't hold it against me if I cry the whole time we are there. I hope the staff will understand too. This is such an important test to me that I really have to do this. It has great odds and detecting genetic problems so to get the answers and be able to put that behind us and move forward is a big deal to me. Of course all knowing will do is help me get ready should it be bad news. If God forbid we were to be told Peanut had something that will kill him I would hold out as long as possible on delivering him/her so I could see and hold him/her like I wish I woul have done with Jay. I guess only time will tell on what happens. My doppler still won't pick up the heartbeat which is no surprise as it's still really early but I can't help but hope that it doesn't mean the worst.
Crying 1