July 18, 2008

Ok so it's really the 19th, but who cares. I sit here in the middle of the night not able to sleep. I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling. After the ultrasound I was very happy. The baby was ok and looked good. The heart was strong and he moved several times. Just not the way we needed him to. So I go back on Tuesday to try again to do the tests. I guess right now I keep thinking about how I have an anterior placenta an how it will affect the pregnancy. I have no one to talk to about this as Chas is asleep so I sit here typing away, not sure if this matters or where this post will go. I can't find any info on anterior placenta (meaning the placenta has attached in the front instead of in the back like is normal) other then it will make it hard to hear the heartbeat with a doppler (great) and that it will make it hard to feel movement (even better) S as if i'm not worried enough I get to look forward to not being able to hear the heartbeat and not feeling the baby move. Yea me.
It just seems so not fair! I am trying so hard to think positive, but it's really not in my nature to do so and that makes it realy hard. Now I'm being told to expect to not hear the heartbeat and to not feel the baby move and just have faith that the baby is still ok!? Yep, this is going to work. How in the world am I going to make it now? How can I go the next 6-7 months knowing that I'm going to be wondering all the time and without even having the smallest comfort in the movements or the heartbeat??
Add to all of this I have really been thinking that I want to know what it feels like to go through the pregnancy and not find out gender until the baby is born but I feel like I have to find out because I cant find any gender neutral clothes! All the stuff that is listed as "unisex" is either pink or blue, has hearts or cars, it looks boy or it looks girl. The only choice I have found is to get yuck green (that really looks boy anyway) or get white t-shirts and onesies! Sense "everyone" finds out at the ultrasound what they are having, they don't have stuff for either. I guess I could just pull out my boy clothes and go with that either way, but I think I will get in trouble for putting a girl in boy clothes. That and Bry really wants to know. So does Lex. They have told me I have to find out but I really don't know if I want to. I think I will go through my baby stuff and see if I have enough stuff to last the baby for a week or two and if I do I just might not find out. I'm sure we are having boy #6 anyway, even though Chas thinks we are having a girl, Maybe I'll jsut not decide. If I happen to find out I find out, if I don't I don't. Thankfully I still have over a month to figure this out...Wow this was all over the place, uh? Well I warned that I had no idea where I was going. At least I feel a little less crowded in thought so thanks for that.