July 22, 2008 still

I'm sorry. I don't have it in me to really post so these are things I have posted else where-

I went in today to try to do the first tri screening again only to find out the heart wasn't beating. I noticed it right away. The tech looked and look, even tried turning on the blood flow and there was none. I just talked to my dr and it will be 2 weeks before I can get the D&C. He is going to figure out what tests we did last time and what ones need to be done. I asked him about just giving me somethign to jsut make it happen on it's own and he is going to think about it. He is afraid that I will bleed to much and get into trouble, end up in the ER, and have to go through a D&C anyway. He said that the baby is big enough that I will know it when I see it should that happen. He is going to talk with his partner tomorrow when he is at the office (he called me from home) and see what she thinks and then call me to let me know and to tell me when the D&C will be.
I just want this nightmare to be over. I can't believe I am doing it again. I don't know what is going on but by the sounds of it they think it could be something really serious causing this. One of which can be helped and the other can't. They think it could be (but VERY unlikely) a genetic problem that DH and I are passing down and we jsut got lucky the first 4 times when we have a 50/50 chance at a healthy baby or it could be anitbodies to some thing I cant remember (or pronounce) and that just means I will have to be watched and treated should I get pregnant again. Or it could be nothing and just one of those things because M/C are very common. I feel like I wasted $500 on clothes and a doppler. Dh wants to get fixed because we said no matter what this was it. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If the tests come back that there is something really wrong we probably won't have anymore. If it's something easily treated or just one of those things, I don't know what we will do. Maybe leave it up to God and just not care either way. I don't know. I just don't know.