July 3, 2008

I realized the other day that when I go in on July 17th for the first trimester screening it will be the first time I will be at the hospital sense we lost Jay. I have to go to the same hospital and be on the same floor that he was delivered. I'm not sure how I am going to feel about this. i have to go back there for the 20 week ultrasound and to deliver as it's the only hospital my doctor works out of. I don't know how to do this. At least my aunt was able to watch the kids on July 17th so Chas can go with me. He knows it will be hard for me and he won't hold it against me if I cry the whole time we are there. I hope the staff will understand too. This is such an important test to me that I really have to do this. It has great odds and detecting genetic problems so to get the answers and be able to put that behind us and move forward is a big deal to me. Of course all knowing will do is help me get ready should it be bad news. If God forbid we were to be told Peanut had something that will kill him I would hold out as long as possible on delivering him/her so I could see and hold him/her like I wish I woul have done with Jay. I guess only time will tell on what happens. My doppler still won't pick up the heartbeat which is no surprise as it's still really early but I can't help but hope that it doesn't mean the worst.