I had the D&C last night at about 5:30 PM. I was out about a half hour later Chas said and I was awake not much after that. I don't have it in me this second to post too much so I will copy the posts I made to friends on a chat board.
Post 1-
I am leaving to take the boys to my aunt's house and then DH and I will be going to the hospital for the D&C. I hope they will be willing to give me another U/S before we get started (I don't see why they wouldn't) and I will be staying at my sunt's house tonight. I'm taking the laptop with so I should be able to get online at the hospital but I don't know if I will be able to at my aunt's. Please think of us today.
Post 2-
So it turns out I do get internet here after all. That's probably the lst bit of good news in this post. I got a cal from my dr about 45 min ago to make sure I got his message last night about coming an hour earlier then he first told me and to let me know that today is not looking good after all. It seems there are a lot of happy pregnant woman giving birth to healthy live babies right now so they might not be able to get me in. I was told to call the hospital at noon and ask. The thing is i will have to call them before that to be able to get up there by 1 like my dr wants (so my ride can get ready to take me) I can't believe this. If it's not today I am back to waiting for a week or more! I can't do this, not again. I'm trying so hard to just trust God but it is really hard right now. How coud He give me a baby that I thought I would never get jsut to rip it away, then give me hope that this will end soon just to be told that I might have to wait after all? I know He has a plan and I have to trust it, but how much can I take? Really? This is to much. I can't do this, I just can't. I just can't not again. My baby...
Post 3-
It's about 1 PM here and I have been at the hospital for about 30 min so far. They have finished checking me in and now i am waiting for my IV and the U/S. DH and I both keep thinking that they will look and Peanut will be there alive and well with no reason for what they saw the other day. We know the chances of that are next to none but we can't stop feeling like this isn't real. It doesn't feel right. With Jay I didn't question for a second, I knew it from the begining. I had no doubt. This time when I didn't see the heartbeat I just knew it was the angle. DH grabbed my hand and I still didn't flinch, I knew they would find it. Well Tech here, BBL
Post 4-
it wasn't the tech it was the dr with an U/S machine. Still no heartbeat. The IV is in so typing is really hard. They are going to put meds at my cervix and then 3 hours after I will go to the OR and be knocked out for the D&C. The nurse told me that there are two ways to do it- give me an epidural like med or knock me out. My dr wants to knock me out thank goodness! He is running antibody tests and blood clot tests so hopefully we will get to the bottom. I had the thyroid test done weeks ago for a study to find pregnant woman in the high or low ranges of normal to treat so I know I'm ok there or they woud have called me about it.
Post 5-
the nurse came with the meds for my cervix so now the count down is on. In 3 hours at the most I will go into surgery and come out not pregnant. I think I am going to take a nap. I went to bed at about 2, couldn't sleep (duh) and woke up at 6 AM even though I had another hour that I could sleep. So I am tired. Sleep sounds nice. Now if only I can do it with this stupid IV in my hand.
Post 6-
I'm still here and still waiting. As my dr put it because we are on the L&D floor we are at "the mercy of the Labor Gods" so because emergency cases came in I have to wait. He told me he gets off at 5 so he "might" go home and then he would just come back when they are ready but should it get to be 9 or 10 PM and it looks like I won't get in any time soon he will call the normal OR and get me in tomorrow and send me home. He said at least I have the cervix stuff in so it might just happen on it's own should that be the case. They actually do give the cervix stuff to woman so they don't have to have a D&C, some one in my class did it around the time I found out I was pregnant so it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It would just be trying to find some one to watch my boys tomorrow as my aunt has to work. She probably could get the time off but still.
Post 7- (reply to someone else saying that God was using me to help others)
I know what you mean by using me to help others. That was the only thought that got me through lossing Jay and it is something I have been thinking this time too. I know so many lurk and don't post that are reading this and I know that many, if not all, that read this think the same things that Andrea has said. To think about me and this happening not jsut once but twice really makes you think about how lucky you really truly are. I have had many tell me that through me lossing Jay it 'cured" their GD, for that I am greatful. He had a purpose and a meaning even if I don't like not having him with me and I know the same is true this time. Every time I log onto the board in all honesty I wonder why I am doing it. I wonder why I read the threads and post back. Especially now. I wondered why I came here to post about the baby and I keep posting all day about what is going on. I wish i could say it's because I know so many care and want to know, but the truth is I don't know why I do it. It would be so much easier to just not come to this board anymore. Because (sense I'm telling the truth) I really have a hard time reading the posts about people being sad to have a healthy baby. Sure I get it, I know that feeling all to well, yet I know that there is much worse. As I said I found the cure for GD but I refuse to share. I really hope that people can read about me and that God will use that to show them just how lucky they really are. That's why I started "Jay's Story" to show otheres they are not alone and how I am making it through. Now it's no longer just Jay's story though, Peanut is a part of it too. As much as it hurts and as much as I wish it wasn't me, i'm glad it's not someone else if that makes sense. Not very long ago I read about Emilie's loss on the TTC thread and my heart broke. I screamed and yelled because God would put HER through this. I screamed and yelled at every loss post I see here. I guess in a way I have asked to be "used" like this. He must be tired of me screaming at Him for "using" others. I would rather be the on here then see anyone else from this board be in my place. I can say that honestly and without a bit of doubt. I would rather it was me. I have done this before and I can and will do it this time. Right now God is teching me that it is his time, not mine. My heart can take more then I thought and I am stronger then I thought. He is teaching me that everyone is right- I am as strong as my grandma even though I can't see it. Maybe he is trying to show me I am stronger. Right now I have so many trials I don't know how I'm still breathing. anyone that has read my blog (Jay's Story) knows that my DH and I have hit (another) hard patch. I don't know how many more we can make it through before we crack yet he is still here by my side (well right no he went to get food, it doesn't seem fair for both of us to starve ) Holding me while I cry, listening to my ramblings should things go horribly wrong and I don't make it home. Making promises should it come to that. He is telling me that I can't go even if God wants me because him and the boys need me too much. I asked him what if Jay and Peanut need me more and he told me that's not possible. Even in the bad he is by myside when he could not be. Life is crazy and I know God is carrying me and that this will go the way it should even if I don't like it and even if I think its not fair. It will bo ok in the end. I have no clue what path my family is going to take. I have no idea if this is the end of having babies or not. DH nd I have talked about it and I have told God what I have to do. Should it not be right there are signs i am waiting for. Mostly in the test results. I know that even should the results come back and I think we are done, it doesn't mean I rely wil be should God want to give me another baby, even if it is just another one for me to hold long enough for him or her to get their wings and go back to his arms. I am praying and have so many praying for me too. Not jsut from this board but IRL too.
Sorry for the novel. I guess I really just needed to get this out while I was alone.
Post 8-
It is done. I'm just waiting for my RH shot and then I get to go home. I feel really good right now. I'm glad it is over. Later i'm sure I won't be as ok but for now I'm just glad that it is over. The hardest part was walking to the OR and having to leave DH behind at the doors. It was very scary seein the table and worring that something would go wrong. I said a prayer and I feel asleep fast. I woke up to DH holding my hand. All in all I'm really glad it is over.
So that was me yesterday. Today I am doing about the same. I have decided that I am nt going to go to school tonight. I know that physically I can do it but emotionally I just can't. There is a woman in my class that is due a few days before I was. Seeing her hurts to much. She asked me on Weds if I wanted to pair up for the final because we both cant do some things in class. I had to tell her that I lost the baby. She felt really bad for bringing it up but I knew she didn't know. I made all my "friends" mad at me because I told them I jsut needed to have some space right then. I knwo they can't understand and they want me to talk but talking doesn't help. It usually makes it worse because talking makes people think they have to answer and the answers don't help at all and make it worse more often then not. So why should I talk? I have set an expectation on myself that I will always be at class no matter what, but I know I can't go. I made Chas promise me that he would not let me go tonight because it will jsut make it worse later. not to mention I am on 5 different meds so massage is out of the question anyway just to be safe. I don't know what kind of side effects massage could have and I know enough to know that it's not a good idea to push it. One of the meds I will be done with by the time I go to bed, two of them I will be done with Sun night, and the other two are for pain (Ibprofin and another one incase the first isn't enough) so far I haven't needed any pain meds though. I go see my doctor next week to go over the test results so hopefully I will get answers.
Friday, July 25, 2008
July 25, 2008
Posted by Fyrefly at 10:36 AM
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