Celebrating my birthday

I think I already said this but my birthday was the day we found out about Peanut so needless to say there was no cake or ice cream or any party. We promised the boys we would do it later, well later came today. It feels so wrong to be celebrating the same day we lost the baby. I know it was my birthday first, but still. They lit the candes and sang happy birthday, then they told me to make a wish. that is whe the tears started to fall. I was barely able to blow out the candles. My boys of course watned to know what I wished for. Bry told me right away he knew what I wished for- a baby. Chas told him maybe maye not. Sure it crossed my mind, so did just waking up and having all of this be a dream. But I don't think either seems very likely right now. In the end I'm not sure what I wished for to be honest but I guess it doesn't matter as I didn't blow out the candes in one shot. I guess that's just one more sign that I won't be having another baby or waking up anytime soon. Or maybe it's just that I am now getting old. I think the more likely answer though is that it is very hard to blow out candles when you are crying. It's hard to breathe without sobbing so blowing is really, really hard.