Sunday, June 29, 2008

June 29, 2008

Approching 9 weeks pregnant.
I have been feeling very guilty lately. Bry and I keep calling this baby Jay without even thinking about it. We both always say oopes and get upset, but still. We know this baby isn't Jay, but it stil slips out. I know other people do it too. I guess I've done this everytime I've been pregnant. Without thinking I will think of the baby as the last child but this time is seem worse I guess. Aside from that I have desied what I want for my birthday although I'm sure I'm not going to get it. I want a gift certificate to Fetal Fotos. It's an ultrasound place just up the street from where I live (ok there are several but there is one just up the street) They do 3D/4D ultrasounds and I would love to have one now that this is our last baby. And if I could get an ultrasound around 17 weeks it would make me feel much better (for a moment anyway) as that is when Jay's heart stopped. I think I will go crazy waiting until 20 weeks for an ultrasound. In about a week I should have a good chance at hearing the aby on the doppler too so that will help make me feel better. I guess just having the doppler will have to be enough to get me through the 16-20 week mark.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

June 22, 2008

So I sent this e-mail out to family and a few friends and I post it here for others to read as well. The first part is an unexpected response from Chas' mom and step-dad Dean followed by the original e-mail.

If you weren’t included in the original email Charlie out, you should scroll to the end and read it first before proceeding to read our response to him.


We have a Father in Heaven who’s greatest joy is to bring His spirit children to this earth, which is His creation for enriching the experiences His children will have in preparing for a richer eternal life when we return back to Him. To quote Him, “This is My work and My Glory to bring to pass the immortality and ETERNAL Life of man.” He also said, “It is Life eternal to know Him and His Son Jesus Christ and understand the saving mercies provided by His atoning sacrifice.

So, Charles my son, your chosen path to bring more spirits the opportunity of having an earthly body and progression towards an understanding of who they are, why they are here and where they can reach in their eternal progression is a divine pathway and you should never apologize for the greatest of all potential you can provide for those spirits you bring into this world.

It’s true you may loose a child or two along the way, but you have God’s promise that during Christ’s 1,000 year reign on earth you will be able to raise those children to maturity and great will be your joy. That is why it is so important to learn as parents what you can do to teach these children how to learn about the GOD who made this all possible. God wants each and every one of his children to learn and grow towards Him that we might be like Him for that will bring the greatest happiness you can ever have and it will be yours throughout all eternity and beyond.

During my fight for life with the open heart bypass surgery I can testify that I came to know Jesus Christ and My Heavenly Father personally. I know They live and have their hands outstretched towards us. All we have to do is learn of them and ask them for their help. I felt buoyed up by the faith and prayers of all of you, and I know Charles he will be with you and especially Tammy for all your efforts to help His divine plan to be fulfilled.

You have your mother’s blessing, my blessing, and YOUR FATHER IN HEAVENS BLESSING… what more could you ask! Keep us in the loop as the birth progresses.

Love, Dean

Amen to what Dean said. I love you and totally understand how you feel. I had to go through the same agony as you every time I found out I was pregnant. I always dreaded having to make “the announcement.” I learned a long time ago that lack of money or material possessions should never be a reason for limiting the size of our families…so long as there is enough love to go around, that’s all a child really needs to survive…and you do a great job at spreading the love! I don’t regret having any of my children because my children and my grandchildren have brought me both my greatest agony, but also my greatest joy.

I love you all and we’ll certainly keep you in our prayers. Thank you so much for not keeping this from me. We’re a family and we need to act like one and stand together!

Love, Mom

From: Charles Adams [] Sent: Sunday, June 22, 2008 12:31 PMTo: Aaron Hopkins; Abe Eggett; becky adams; Dean&Lorna Morrison; Marie; Rachel BarnettSubject: Dear family and friends

Dear everyone,
We are writing this letter full well knowing how most if not all of you will feel about what we have to tell you, yet hoping that you can find it in your heart to put that aside and offer your thoughts and prayers. 3 weeks ago we found out that we are unexpectedly pregnant and we view this as such a blessing and a miracle. The truth is we had thought it was no longer possible to have another baby because of the toll it took on Tammy's body after losing Jay and had turned it over to God and we were ready to close that door forever when we found out that our family isn't complete. Like we said we know that most if not all of you feel that we have to many kids as it is and are stupid for continuing to have them, but we ask that you put that aside and pray for our little one to make it. For those that don't know on Oct 30, 2007 we had a 20 week (5 month) ultrasound for our baby Jay and at that time we were told Jay had been dead for 3 weeks. 2 days later the evening of Nov 1, 2007 we checked into the hospital so they could induce labor. The morning of Nov 2nd Jay was born still and all tests came back that there was no reason for what happened. Because of that there is no way to know if it will happen again or how to prevent it. That is why we are asking for prayers in this trying time.
Thank you in advance,
Tammy, Charles, Bryson, Alex, Camren, and Skyler

P.S Please forward to others

Friday, June 20, 2008

June 20. 2008

I realized today that I never said how I told Chas about the baby. It was actually really stupid. He didn't know I was going to test or anything and I took the test when he was not here and had taken Bry to school. So I was trying to think of a really great way to tell him but the truth was I was to scared to think of anything cute or fun or even happy. I had posted the picture and post before I ever told Chas about the test. So Chas and I are really wierd people in the fact that we text each other even though we are in the same house, the same room, or even sitting next to each other. So I was sitting next to him an I sent him a text message that said some thing like "Can we make it through anything?" He sent back some thing like "Yea, we have made it through everything so far" and so I sent back "even this new adventure we are going to be on?" and at that point he looked at me and asked what I was talking about, so I told him he needed to read my blog more. LOL Not really the best way to tell him or even very creative. I really wish I could have done something else but my heart just wasn't in it. I was so scared and I needed to lean on him and have him tell me it was all going to be ok. He saw the picture before he read anything so he pulled me into him and held me while he read. He really thought/thinks this is a great thing and I do too. I'm just scared and he refuses to be. He is very optimistic an i'm vey pessimistic we kind of even out that way. So he is thinking that everythign will be ok and in Feb we will have a hapy healthy (girl) baby. Me I'm realistic, which to him is negative. I say that anything can and does go wrong. So far it looks like we will have a baby in Feb but anything can happen to change that. I'm not sure if I said this already but Chas thinks we are having a girl because 1) we have had 5 boys and the odds are a girl has to show up some time. You can't "win" them all basically 2) he really wants a girl 3) the due date is (was) my grandma's birthday and we had planned on naming a girl after my grandma. I am sure we are having a boy for no other reason then we have had 5 boys. Sure I would like a girl (for reasons I said before) but lets be realistic again- I've had 5 boys, it's going to be anther boy. The only "sign" I have that MIGHT mae me think girl is my cats because the animal old wives tale is the only one that has been right for me every time. For those that don't know the animal old wives tale as I call it is that when pregnant with a boy female animals will be around as much as ossible and male animals will avoid you. If you are pregnant with a girl male animals will be around you and female animals will not. (No i'm not going to say which way it is going right now, sorry guys)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

June 17, 2008

I left home around 12:30 becasue I jsut couldn't sit around any longer. I went and got my hair cut and went to the library to pass the time and so I wouldn't think about it. I got to the doctors office and t wasn't long before the took me back. I had told my friends earlier that I really had to do this by myself so I went alone. As I layed there I made sure i could see the screen really well and instantly I could see the gestational sack when she started- and it was empty. I couldn't stopthinking about how that just had to be wrong, but I saw it over and over as she was looking for everything she had to measure. She even pointed it out to me as the sack and measured it so I know I was seeing the right thing. I couldn't breathe, I jsut kept thinking that couldn't be right. Then after what seemed like forever she zoomed in on the gestational sack and pointed out the baby. I still couldn't see a heart beating, but then she pointed to this little flicker that I thought was made by the machine. She focused on it and turned on the sound. The first try didn't work very well although you could kind of hear some thing, but the second try was very load and clear. I couldn't hol back the sob and tears that cam out. The tech asked me if I was ok and I told her I was jsut so happy and relieved. It was the most perfect thing I had ever heard. And she was even nice enough to go back and get me a picture after she had taken all the measurements she needed to and Peanut is measuring really slose to what I thought he would, 7 weeks. The best part is that my due date has been changed to Feb 2nd which was my grandma's birthday. We had planned on naming a little girl after her so to me it seems like a sign that I will have a healthy baby at the end. Oh and I get to go in fr the first trimester screening in 3-6 weeks (which inludes an U/S) and then I have another one at 20 weeks and my doctore wants me to scheduale both of them tomorrow! Oh it is going to be so hard knowing when they will be and counting down the days!!!
And how could I forget what I know everyone wants to see-
Introducing Peanut-


Monday, June 16, 2008

June 16, 2008

I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!
6 hours........6 hours.......6 hours....... That's all that's left until the U/S, until that horrible U/S that tells you life or death......The moment that you know that time stands still and you can't think, you can't feel, you can't do anything but stare at a screen as they put the goop on your belly and wait and watch for a flicker a blink any movement and all too often people see none..... I don't think I can do this, sure I have friends that are taking me and will gladly go in with me if I want them to, but I think I have to do this on my own. I think I have to face this by myself. I just can't breathe. I don't want to go, I don't want to do this. I'm just going to go climb into bed and pull the covers over my hed and live in denial. Yea, thats it. If I don't go I never have to know either way and I don't have to let go should I have to. If only I could. Chas would never let me get away with it, niether would my friends that are picking me up....Maybe I'll just call and tell them not to come, tell them that I'm going to go by myself and that I'll just meet them at school, yea that's it and then I'll just forget to go. Yea. Ok I know I sound crazy, but I don't care! I can't do this I just can't go there when I know that those things tell people their dreams are gone, their baby has no life. I can't go through that again. I've done it twice now I can't do it again I just can't....I can't..

Saturday, June 14, 2008

June 14, 2008

To everyone that keeps aking if I want a girl and the people that tell me I have to have a girl or that they hope I get a girl- YES, I WANT A GIRL BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BRING HOME A HEALTHY BABY!!!!!! Ok there I said it. But it's not for the reasons everyone thinks (which is why this fits in Jay's story) I want a girl so that no one can tell me we have to give him Jay's name because Jay was just a miscarriage, I want a girl so no one, not even me, is going to be thinking or wondering if that is what Jay would have been like or looked like. I don't want ot have to worry about being afraid that life is going to repeat itself because I'm having another boy. I don't want to have myself or anyone look at the new baby and think even for a second that he is Jay or that he could be Jay come back to me. I want a girl so that I will never ever compare the new baby to Jay or so that no one can say I replaced Jay. You can't ever replace a child, ever and I don't want anyone to think that is what we did. This baby is here because it is meant to be here. It is it's own person, not in anyway Jay and I want to make sure everyone knows that.

Friday, June 13, 2008

June 13, 2008

What makes people say the things they do? I mean really? The things people sy to me is just crazy. Like today I told someone I was pregnant again so I could lean on them and get support as I strugle through this. I admitted that they were right and I wasn't ready for this, but when it happened I really truly didn't think it was possible or would ever be possible again. I really truly thought God was sending me a message that I would never have another baby. I had excepted that I was working to be happy with my life as it is when I found out it was going to change. Anyway, I sent them a text message on one of my breaks at work and what follows are the messages I got back.
Text 1- Im sorry thar it is so confusing maybe Mon will answer some ?s maybe ur hormones r whacked out or smthing plz keep me posted
Text 2- As much as we hate it maybe yr body just cant do another baby u sure havent had easy pregs I am sooo sorry 4 how u feel
ea, it realy sounds like your sorry and I'm ure you hate to admit it. Ok I know these comments came out of love and they weren't meant to hurt, but it still hurts. It makes me think and feel like it's my fault. Like I failed to take care of Jay and this baby when they needed me the most. It's just so hard to explain, but try I must because as I said in my last post I really want everything out there no matter what. I keep thinking that God wouldn't give me a baby jsut to take it away because i wasn't supposed to have anymore and God wouldn't put me through al of this for no reason. I know without a doubt that God gave me this baby when he did because I just couldn't handle trying anymore and I was going to have Chas go get fixed and move on with life becasue I really truely belived it was time to move on and I would never be able to have another baby and that the child I thought was missing was Jay and not another baby. I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet if I lose this baby complete it wil be because I cn't go through any more pain. Even though I know that there is only one baby in there because there was only one yoke sack it doesn't stop me from day dreaming about there being twins. For some reason I jsut really feel like I'm meant to have twins but I know it's not going to happen because this is it for us no matter what. I guess there is always the chance for a miracle ut I don't think it will ever happen and that sadens me some. The last few days have been crazy. My stomach is still cramping and I keep having the same feelings i had with Jay, but I'm not sure if they are just out of fear. In my heart I realy feel like this pregnancy is going to last were as with Jay I knew it wasn't no matter how much I tried to hide it. I just don't know what to think or what to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I feel like if I cry I'm already giving up on this little one before they had a real chance. Chas got me a doppler and it came today. It is so cool and it does make me feel a little better, and probably more so once I can use it. For those that don't know what I'm talking about a doppler is what the doctor uses to listen to the heart beat at every visit an it doesn't work until about 10-12 weeks pregnant. There seems to be more to say then there are words to say it. Add to that my brain is scrambled from lack of sleep and being hungry and there is no hope for me to really post everything I want to, so with that I will go and eat and then go to bed. Good night.

To my readers

To anyone that is reading this blog, I thank you for taking the time to do so. Maybe some of you know some one that has felt this, maybe you have felt it yourself, maybe you know me, or maybe you just happened to find to find this blog one day and got caught up in Jay's Story, my story I guess. I have tried really hard to only post my raw and true feelings without sensoring anything. What would be the point of writing all of this if I sensored the truth? I try really hard to not go back and read any of my posts because when I read them I want to change them, to make them sound better, or to take something out completely that could be read wrong. I promised my self that I would never do that with Jay's Story. To do that would take away from what I want people to know. The sad truth is that only 2% or less of pregnancies end in the second trimester. That seems like such a small amount doesn't it? But to that 2% or less it seems huge, and those that have been there know what I'm talking about. Jay's story started not just because I lost Jay but because I couldn't find anything about some one that had been there. I felt like I was the only one that had ever been there. Then I found a board online that was for support in losing a baby. On that board there was a thread for 2nd and 3rd trimester loss. I found out that it wasn't just me. Many woman had felt that pain and thought that they too were all alone. I write this not just for me, but for all of them and for every woman yet to come. This isn't jsut about losing a baby as late as I did, no matter when you lost your baby it feels the same. I don't think I have it worse then some one that knew for only a few days before they lost their baby. It is the same to me. I know others don't feel that way, and I won't pretend to understand why they feel that way. I hear all the time "I lost a baby in the first trimester and I know that doesn't compare to your loss" Sure it does. You lost a baby and I lost a baby. Why does age/gestation matter. To them their baby was real and to me Jay was real. The only reason Jay has a name is because Chas and I had decided on it when I was 7 weeks pregnant. We would name the baby after his dad, boy or girl. For a boy it was James and for a girl Jamie, well it just seemed natural to me to shorten the names to Jay and so it stuck. Even now I don't think of him as James Cayden I think of him as Jay. It's wierd to me to see his real name instead of his nick name actually. To me he will always be Jay and to his brothers he will be too I'm sure. I would like to tell all of the readers that I'm sorry I don't post as much as I should or even want to. There are so many days that I really want to pot but jsut don't have the time to. Ok, everyday I want to post and don't get the time to. Especially now I want to post every day to tell how the pregnancy is going and how losing Jay has effected that yet there isn't enough time. Hopefully I will start being able to post at least once a week to catch everyone up. On Monday June 16, i have another U/S and so I will have to make sure I post about it ASAP, but don't expect a post until late Monday or on Tuesday as my appointment isn't until late on monday and then I will go straight to school after.
Again Thank you to everyone reading this blog. I hope so much that it is helping someone out there, anyone. If I can reach just one person, just one, and let them kow they are not alone, then I have done a very good thing and losing Jay meant something. He had a purpose and he fullfilled it.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

June 5, 2008 Part 2

I have been waiting for a BFP sense Nov and now that I have gotten it i'm nto feeling like I thought I would. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be pregnant and I want this baby so much it hurts. Maybe that's part of the problem. I have planned out money to get a doppler and to get maternity clothes for school but even though I had money today to buy the doppler I jsut couldn't do it. I feel like I'm wasting the money. It's almost like I keep thinking the only reason to have the doppler is so that I will know sooner that it's over instead of walking around for 3 weeks with no clue and have to go through L&D and be told that my baby is probably in pieces because it has been so long or that it's not a good idea for me to see or hold the baby because they have been eaten up by my body as it tried to get ride of them. If I know sooner then I will be able to get more pictures of my baby instead of just hands and feet. That seems so terrible. And I feel like with the clothes I'm just going to spend all that money on some thing that I won't ever be able to wear. I have maternity stuff that has never been worn as it is why add to the list?? I pushed and pushed for an U/S so I could really see this little one is there but I really don't want to go. I have already been to 2 u/s and been told there is no heart beating- once with Jay and then reliving it again with this one earlier this week. Yea, ok it was too early I get that but no one seems to understand or even care that it doesn't matter to me hearing it's too early. All I heard was there is no heart beat. I had to relive the worst moment of my life and everyone says to me "it's to early" like that makes any difference. I jsut keep wondering what did I do. I spend so much time lost in my own thoughts anymore. Everyoen keeps asking me if I'm ok and I just say yes and leave it at that. I can't tell anyone because no one gets it. They all think I should jsut be so happy and so optimistic about the whole thing. Ok I know that a lot of the things i think aren't right, but I can't help it. I can't act like everythign is great and that I'm going to have a happy halthy baby in 9+ months or so. I can't do it. I'm trying but I just can't. I don't know how I could. There was no reason for what happened to Jay, none. Without a reason there is nothing I can do to keep it from happening again. I don't really want to think of any names alhough I am anyway and I wonder if I'm only thinking of names so that I know this little one has one no matter what happens. I feel like I have to have a name right now r else I won't have enough time to come up with one. There is somethign really wrong with me I think. I try to talk to Chas about it but not only does he not get it but it seems like he doesn't have the time or the desire to talk to me. The only one of my friends that I feel like I can talk to about it I don't really get any time to just sit with him and talk. He seems to at least understand my attitude and know that I realy cant help it. I'm trying to be positive but I just don't know how. I don't know how to do this. I really want to be happy, I want to have the rose colored glasses that make me think I wil have a baby at the end of all this, I want to have gender be the only thing I'm worried about not the last on my mind. I want to be like everyone else and be upset about having another boy or freaking out and counting down the seconds until my U/S not dreading the thought of having to go to one. I guess I need to talk to my dr about this when I see him in jsut over a week and see if there is some thing we can do to make me feel better, anything. I thought that having a doppler might make it easier but with how my mind is right now I don't know for sure anymore. Well I guess I better stop writing a novel and go to bed. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this.

June 5, 2008

So yesterday I went for the second blood test. I asked them if they would have the results by the time they closed and they told me not likely, but they gave me the phone number to the ab so I could just cal the lab at 5:50 PM before they close at 6 PM. So I caled the lab and was told it was still pending but to call back in an hour to see if it as done. Turns out the lab is open 24/7 (their words) so I called back just before 7 PM and I had to go to class. I was told it was still pending and to call back at 8 PM because it should be done. (I was put on hold so they could find out when it would be done) I called back at 8 PM and gave them my info, jsut to be put on hold for like 5 min. They came back and asked for my info again and what test it was I had done. Then I found out my numbers went from 3320 to 6390. =)
I talked to the nurse today at my doctors office and she said those numbers are very good and she let the doctor know that I would realy like another ultrasound to just make sure. The nurse called me back and told me the doctor agreed to another ultrasound but that we want to make sure it's not for 7-10 days to make sure it's not to early again. So I will go in on June 16th for my ultrasound and doctors visit. Of urse by then I plan on having bought my doppler so I will just have to ask my doctor if he will teach me how to use it when I'm far enough along

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

June 3, 2008

So I called this morning to find out what my HCG levels were (pregnancy hormone) and the nurse told me that it was 3320 which as you can see from the chart below is a really good number. They still want me to go back tomorrow to get the second blood draw to make sure but they are pretty sure that it was just to early to be able to see anything. Now though they said they might not send me back for another ultrasound which really sucks. I feel like I just have to see the baby to know that it is ok.

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:
hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :
3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
Postmenopausal females: <9.5>

Monday, June 2, 2008

June 2, 2008

Today sucked. I called my dr to set up an appointment and was told it would be 2 weeks. I told them the truth that I had been cramping and after losing my last baby I was very scared. They worked it out to fit me in today, then they called me and changed it to an ultrasound. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I was having so many flash backs and in the end my friend went with me so I didn't have to go alone. It was a good thing I wan't alone because history repeated itself. No heartbeat. No fetal pole. Just a yoke sack with a "dot" in it that coudl or could not be something. I have lost almost all of my hope at this point. The dr had my blood drawn and I go back on Wednesday to get more blood drawn then I call the dr on Thursday to find out the test results. They are checking HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) to see if the get bigger. If they grow like they should I will probably get another ultrasound next week to see if anythign has changed. If not then I guess I will be given a D&C and Chas will be getting fixed. I can't do this again. This is it. Last chance, last try. And my heart is breaking because I think it is going to end badly no matter how much I want to think it will be ok, I'm not sure if in my heart I really believe it.