June 2, 2008

Today sucked. I called my dr to set up an appointment and was told it would be 2 weeks. I told them the truth that I had been cramping and after losing my last baby I was very scared. They worked it out to fit me in today, then they called me and changed it to an ultrasound. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I was having so many flash backs and in the end my friend went with me so I didn't have to go alone. It was a good thing I wan't alone because history repeated itself. No heartbeat. No fetal pole. Just a yoke sack with a "dot" in it that coudl or could not be something. I have lost almost all of my hope at this point. The dr had my blood drawn and I go back on Wednesday to get more blood drawn then I call the dr on Thursday to find out the test results. They are checking HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) to see if the get bigger. If they grow like they should I will probably get another ultrasound next week to see if anythign has changed. If not then I guess I will be given a D&C and Chas will be getting fixed. I can't do this again. This is it. Last chance, last try. And my heart is breaking because I think it is going to end badly no matter how much I want to think it will be ok, I'm not sure if in my heart I really believe it.