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Saturday, May 31, 2008

May 31,2008

I don't know what to do. I have been cramping badly ever sense I took the test. In my heart I don't think anything will happen this time but in my head I fear it is already to late. I wasn't going to all my Dr for a week or two and then I was thinking about just saying I have no idea when my last period was so that I could get en ultrasound to see for myself that everythign is ok, but now I don't want to wait. I want to get in asap so I can know that everything is ok but at the same time I know that going in won't tell me anything. All it will do is get an ultrasound scheduled sooner, but I am so afraid of ultrasounds now that even though I want one I know I will have so many flash backs that I will fall apart. I don't know what to do. The only thing I do know for sure is that this is it. No matter what happens this is the last pregnancy for me. I have told Chas that if we lose this baby he is getting fixed ASAP because I can't do this again. If we have a healthy baby in the end I will get my tubes tied and be done with it. This is not fair. I can't wait until I am far enough along and have the money to have a doppler so I can just listen to this little one whenever I want to.

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