June 13, 2008

What makes people say the things they do? I mean really? The things people sy to me is just crazy. Like today I told someone I was pregnant again so I could lean on them and get support as I strugle through this. I admitted that they were right and I wasn't ready for this, but when it happened I really truly didn't think it was possible or would ever be possible again. I really truly thought God was sending me a message that I would never have another baby. I had excepted that I was working to be happy with my life as it is when I found out it was going to change. Anyway, I sent them a text message on one of my breaks at work and what follows are the messages I got back.
Text 1- Im sorry thar it is so confusing maybe Mon will answer some ?s maybe ur hormones r whacked out or smthing plz keep me posted
Text 2- As much as we hate it maybe yr body just cant do another baby u sure havent had easy pregs I am sooo sorry 4 how u feel
ea, it realy sounds like your sorry and I'm ure you hate to admit it. Ok I know these comments came out of love and they weren't meant to hurt, but it still hurts. It makes me think and feel like it's my fault. Like I failed to take care of Jay and this baby when they needed me the most. It's just so hard to explain, but try I must because as I said in my last post I really want everything out there no matter what. I keep thinking that God wouldn't give me a baby jsut to take it away because i wasn't supposed to have anymore and God wouldn't put me through al of this for no reason. I know without a doubt that God gave me this baby when he did because I just couldn't handle trying anymore and I was going to have Chas go get fixed and move on with life becasue I really truely belived it was time to move on and I would never be able to have another baby and that the child I thought was missing was Jay and not another baby. I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet if I lose this baby complete it wil be because I cn't go through any more pain. Even though I know that there is only one baby in there because there was only one yoke sack it doesn't stop me from day dreaming about there being twins. For some reason I jsut really feel like I'm meant to have twins but I know it's not going to happen because this is it for us no matter what. I guess there is always the chance for a miracle ut I don't think it will ever happen and that sadens me some. The last few days have been crazy. My stomach is still cramping and I keep having the same feelings i had with Jay, but I'm not sure if they are just out of fear. In my heart I realy feel like this pregnancy is going to last were as with Jay I knew it wasn't no matter how much I tried to hide it. I just don't know what to think or what to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I feel like if I cry I'm already giving up on this little one before they had a real chance. Chas got me a doppler and it came today. It is so cool and it does make me feel a little better, and probably more so once I can use it. For those that don't know what I'm talking about a doppler is what the doctor uses to listen to the heart beat at every visit an it doesn't work until about 10-12 weeks pregnant. There seems to be more to say then there are words to say it. Add to that my brain is scrambled from lack of sleep and being hungry and there is no hope for me to really post everything I want to, so with that I will go and eat and then go to bed. Good night.