June 5, 2008 Part 2

I have been waiting for a BFP sense Nov and now that I have gotten it i'm nto feeling like I thought I would. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be pregnant and I want this baby so much it hurts. Maybe that's part of the problem. I have planned out money to get a doppler and to get maternity clothes for school but even though I had money today to buy the doppler I jsut couldn't do it. I feel like I'm wasting the money. It's almost like I keep thinking the only reason to have the doppler is so that I will know sooner that it's over instead of walking around for 3 weeks with no clue and have to go through L&D and be told that my baby is probably in pieces because it has been so long or that it's not a good idea for me to see or hold the baby because they have been eaten up by my body as it tried to get ride of them. If I know sooner then I will be able to get more pictures of my baby instead of just hands and feet. That seems so terrible. And I feel like with the clothes I'm just going to spend all that money on some thing that I won't ever be able to wear. I have maternity stuff that has never been worn as it is why add to the list?? I pushed and pushed for an U/S so I could really see this little one is there but I really don't want to go. I have already been to 2 u/s and been told there is no heart beating- once with Jay and then reliving it again with this one earlier this week. Yea, ok it was too early I get that but no one seems to understand or even care that it doesn't matter to me hearing it's too early. All I heard was there is no heart beat. I had to relive the worst moment of my life and everyone says to me "it's to early" like that makes any difference. I jsut keep wondering what did I do. I spend so much time lost in my own thoughts anymore. Everyoen keeps asking me if I'm ok and I just say yes and leave it at that. I can't tell anyone because no one gets it. They all think I should jsut be so happy and so optimistic about the whole thing. Ok I know that a lot of the things i think aren't right, but I can't help it. I can't act like everythign is great and that I'm going to have a happy halthy baby in 9+ months or so. I can't do it. I'm trying but I just can't. I don't know how I could. There was no reason for what happened to Jay, none. Without a reason there is nothing I can do to keep it from happening again. I don't really want to think of any names alhough I am anyway and I wonder if I'm only thinking of names so that I know this little one has one no matter what happens. I feel like I have to have a name right now r else I won't have enough time to come up with one. There is somethign really wrong with me I think. I try to talk to Chas about it but not only does he not get it but it seems like he doesn't have the time or the desire to talk to me. The only one of my friends that I feel like I can talk to about it I don't really get any time to just sit with him and talk. He seems to at least understand my attitude and know that I realy cant help it. I'm trying to be positive but I just don't know how. I don't know how to do this. I really want to be happy, I want to have the rose colored glasses that make me think I wil have a baby at the end of all this, I want to have gender be the only thing I'm worried about not the last on my mind. I want to be like everyone else and be upset about having another boy or freaking out and counting down the seconds until my U/S not dreading the thought of having to go to one. I guess I need to talk to my dr about this when I see him in jsut over a week and see if there is some thing we can do to make me feel better, anything. I thought that having a doppler might make it easier but with how my mind is right now I don't know for sure anymore. Well I guess I better stop writing a novel and go to bed. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this.