July 5, 2008

As if life isn't hard enough today I found out somethign that makes it even harder. Some thing it's good I know but it changes everything. And no it's not about the baby, but at this point I almost wish it was. I haveheard many many times that the loss of a child has ruined many marrages and i always thought mine would make it through. I guess though we have had our problems from the begining and most didn't think we would make it a year. We almost didn't. Now I sit here not sure what the future holds but knowing I can't do this anymore. History has repeated it's self and I told Chas right after we found out about Jay that should it happen I would have to walk away because I can't do this again. I have way to much right now to worry about and the truth is with everything I think I have fallen out of love anyway. I knowit sounds bad but losing Jay was the wrost thing that has ever happened to me and Chas seems to be able to just push it aside like it never happened. This is our baby for crying out loud and he doesn't even care! Add to it the repeat and I'm done. I can't keep going knowing that this is how life will be. For now I am stuck though. I have no where to go, no way to support the kids, and no way to put them in daycare even if I did. After Peanut is born that will be different and I won't be trapped anymore. For now I stay, not by choice but because I have to. If I"m being honest I know part of what caused the repeat is me and how I am (not) handling everything but I also know it is not my fault. It was a choice he made, not me. I don't really have any tears to shead over this. Ireally don't. Sure a few have fallen but not because of how things are, but because of the boys and Peanut. It's not fair that they should have to go through this but I can't sit by and let them grow up thinking it's ok either. So here I sit a part of a statisic, one more that has fallen to the loss of a child but that probably would have fallen anyway. I cry for my kids and what they will go through, I cry for Peanut because he/she probably won't really know his/her dad like the others do. I cry for Sky who won't really remember and for Cam because he won't really either. I cry for Bry and Lex because this will be really hard on them. They all love their dad so much as they should and now they will hate me forever for taking him away when in truth their dad has pushed me away and I guess I pushed him too. And now lines have been crossed that can never be taken back. It's over and I don't know what to do. My heart still breaks for Jay and his could care less. Myheart is filled with worry for Peanut and he thinks I'm crazy for worrying because what happened to Jay was just a "fluke" I'm tired of being alone in this and now that lines have been crossed it doesn't really matter anymore. I have enough people that don't care or understand and think I am crazy I don't need it from the one that should be my safe place to fall, the arms that should hold me when I cry. And now that life has fallen apart again I'm not going to fight to keep it anymore. I'm not going to say any more that is just how he is and he probably feels somethign deep inside that he hides. I'm done with the lies. I'm done.