Messages from a friend

Tammy,
I don't mind at all talking about my losses. If my losses were for a purpose such as this I thank God for allowing me to be used, and my angels to be used to bless others or to give hope where hope is needed.
I'm going to be completely honest, the only thing keeping me going was my faith that God could and would do a miracle in my life. That he loved me and wanted the best for me, even when others were trying to ease my pain by saying he was telling me to just move on with my life.
There was an ache in my heart for a girl... But there was an even bigger ache for one last child to hold, to love, to share my heart with. Was I willing to believe that God wanted that too or would I let others guide my heart. My first m/c was at 5 wks. I went into that office for a pregnancy test to confirm, full of hope, but when I went to the RR for the urine test I was bleeding. My heart sank the moment they confirmed on the u/s that there was nothing there. Some say it's a chemical pregnancy, that just because your baby was reabsorbed into your being, it doesn't count... Tell my heart that. They told me to wait to TTC 3 months but I just couldn't do it. I waited two months and conceived again right away. I was elated, hopeful because they told me it was just something that happens. We didn't tell anyone until Christmas time when I was about 2 months/8 wks pregnant. I truly believed that everything would be fine. On New Years Eve I started spotting and we went to the ER... They told me that there was no heartbeat and I would m/c... I went home broken. I just wanted to have a child. And i questioned God. Why? Why not me? What am I supposed to do, just move on with my life? But I refused to give up hope and I refused to listen to that Dr. When I went to my OB 4 days later there was a baby and a heartbeat!!! I believed God had given me my miracle. My OB put me on bedrest because I had a subchorionic hemmorage and we went in two weeks later to find that I had lost the baby shortly after I had seen him... I opted to mc naturally (which I'll never do again). the next month I was pregnant again but I m/c again at 5 wks.
After that I just decided to give my heart a break, lose weight and seek God... Perhaps I was supposed to just move on? Perhaps there was a lesson to be taught in my life... Sometimes we just try to understand these things logically and there is no logic in it, no more than there is in our desire for a daughter. I prayed that God would help me to accept his will. To find peace in his will no matter what life had in store for me. I just couldn't give up on my dream...
When we started TTC one year later my dad told me that he had a vision that I was pregnant... and I would have a baby girl in Nov... My FIL called to ask me if I was pregnant cause he said my SIL told him I was... And my sister asking me if I was pregnant... I actually O'd early that month and conceived in March so my due date was Nov!! After all these signs I truely believed that this baby was going to make it 9 months. We once again heard that the baby had died and I chose to have a D&C so they could see if there were any issues causing it. Nothing came back and even if it did there was something in me saying we would have to be done because I couldn't justify spending more financially when I had a beautiful family already. I was blessed already.
We got a number for an RE but I just couldn't go yet. I just wanted time to heal once again and decide how far I would go to have another child. Over the next few months I still felt that strong desire for a baby... It just never goes away no matter how much you wish it away. If it's there, it's there... I made an appt. with the RE and he gave me RX's to begin testing... But I told him I could be pregnant already because we weren't cautious. Low and behold we were pregnant! But at 5 wks I m/c'd again, my fifth baby...
That's when I feel I finally gave it to God. I just knew I couldn't take it much longer, I couldn't put my family or my heart through the pain any longer. I finally could see my life without a daughter... without another baby. I decided to not go back to the RE for testing, that if this was God's will then I would accept it, even if it broke my heart. That week I m/c'd I went to church and my spirit just broke.. I knew that I couldn't take it any longer. That it was either God or nothing... My Pastors message and call to the alter was my last draw... I was broken.
When my friend came to pray over me with my Pastor, I felt a touch I have never felt before flow over me... It wasn't something that I knew my future with but that I knew God was going to be there for me, that he had healed me, healed my heart. I walked away at peace with God's decision for my life, whatever his will was. That's all I had prayed for. That I have peace in my heart.
One more try, one more heartache or one more miracle... That's what I felt was the right thing to do. No one could convince me otherwise. Through those 3 years I heard so many well meaning family and friends tell me to basically give up and enjoy my blessings. I never listened to them and I rebuked those who told me God was telling me to move on! Well two weeks later we got a BFP...
I never gave up even when I didn't think there was hope. I believed that God would answer me and I believed that even if his answer was to stay Mom2sixsons, I knew that peace would surround me. I called the RE and he confirmed by U/S at 7w4d that I was indeed pregnant!! Of course I was nervous, of course I bawled... And each week up until 12 weeks, that I had my u/s's, I just feared the answer God may have for me. Yes, I believed he healed me but I knew that his answer was yet undecided.
I thank God for answering me in HIS time, in his way. It took me three years and 5 babies to really come to terms with my life, to let go and let God. Did it take that desire for a girl away forever?... No, but it allowed me to find a love for a son that I would have been broken hearted with just six months before. The losses did help me to move forward and to JUST WANT A BABY... There was that desire I could never get rid of. And I hated it!! I wanted that desire to go away forever, I wanted to be one of those moms who would be happy with all boys... I found that when I went to my 20 wk u/s! I found peace like I had prayed for and when I thought I saw that little turtle I knew God had blessed me with my Malachi!!! I knew that my all boy family was a blessing!
I grew so much in those three years. My faith grew, my heart grew, my wisdom grew... Life is about lessons. We go through it thinking we control it but in the end it controls us... I wouldn't have appreciated my sons the way I do now if God had answered my prayers so many years ago. I wouldn't have known the joy of having my boys if he had given me a DD in my youth. I wouldn't have accepted his will if I hadn't struggled with 5 losses...
I consider this part of my life a blessing. I am now able to help those around me who have lost a baby. I am now able to say that YOU CAN be happy with your life, no matter how the cards unfold. You have to decide what is right for YOU... Do you want a child? Then press on! Do you want a DD? Then press on! Are you wiling to sacrifice heartache, money, time? Then press on!
If your heart aches for another child then I believe it aches for a reason. I never thought that I would come to a point in my life where I would feel done. But one day, after almost two years of praying, I felt this peace and assurance that it was time to stop having babies. I called and scheduled it that day! I looked back only for a short time and wondered if it was the right answer but I know it was now.
Don't give up on your dream if that's what you're heart wants. There will be an answer... You just have to be willing to accept the final outcome.
Things could have turned out so differently for me... I could have moved on and accepted my family without another child. I could have been blessed with a son and not a DD. The thing is, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would have been okay either way. I still wonder what my last son would have looked like because I expected him in the end... I still wonder what life with two or three kids would have been like... I still wonder what having all girls would be like... I still wonder a lot of things but I KNOW that in the end I would have been able to see the blessings I have had in my life. I would have known that my boys were here for a purpose. I would have known that my losses helped me to become a better mother, a better wife, a better person... Because I learned that life is precious and that we all see each others lives a little better than our own.
We all want what others have... When we just need to SEE what we have ourselves. If I could give you one thing it would be peace. The greatest blessing of my life was the peace I found in this part of my life. If you find that, you will find your answer. You will be healed no matter where the road takes you.
They didn't find my thyroid issue until I was 14 wks so I don't believe that is why Lydia is here today. I believe she is here because it was in God's will. I try to remember every day that my kids are here because it's HIS will, that one day their purpose will be revealed. That today it could be his will to take them home... How much harder to lose a child you've loved for years? I can't imagine the pain, but I remind myself that there are those who have had a life much harder than even mine.
I was molested as a child... I choose to use that to help others. I married a divorced man with a child... I choose to use that to help others by letting them know the struggles of it. I had five sons... I choose to help other moms know that having sons can be a blessing even when you're missing the other... I lost five babies... I choose to see that through those I have found peace and I am able to share God's message of hope and peace.
You will find your answer, I believe that. One day at a time, and one heartache at a time if that's where the road leads. Just remember that God is always there. That he doesn't give us more than we can handle and in the end, if you really want a child, it is worth the heartache. Abraham and Sarah were promised a son... SHE LAUGHED AT GOD'S PROMISE! Because she believed she was too old. Even so, God blessed them as he said he would with Isaac... Imagine the heartache, the hopelessness, the anger... But in the end he did answer them, IN HIS TIME!
I live my life for a purpose, and it's not my own. My hope, my joy, my peace... It comes from God. If you aren't a Christian, please forgive me... But I have been down a road without Christ, and I'm never going back. He is the only peace I find in life. Especially in a life so full of heartache, pain, and disappointment. Through all my depression, through many times in my life, he is the only one that has kept me alive. I give him all the glory!
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers... Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care... Cause some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I'm sure you've heard me mention this before... But it bears repeating. God is there for you. He will answer you and he knows what's best for us... Even if we think we know.
I know all too well that having a girl, having a baby... It doesn't feel that void. Only God can do that. I'm still looking for "things" to fill my voids... Does it make it better? Yes, but like everything, there is good and bad with every decision we make.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that God give you peace like he has me and that one day you get to hold another blessing in your arms. If you want that, I can tell you, it's worth every heartache that you feel you can bare. I would do it all again to have that dream fulfilled!
Sorry for the novel...
HUGS
Tammy,
I sent that to you thinking... OVER AND OVER... about whether or not it sounded right. Whether I needed to change something, add or delete something, whether I was being pushy... Thank you for making me see that it's not what I write but how God intends to use it... I'm glad that my angels are still alive in my being able to witness to others. You can surely use it on your blog. My story is also on my myspace page!
I remember going back and forth with each m/c... Is it God's will for me to be done or am I listening to myself more than him? Do I really want to go back to that baby stage at this point? Each time it just felt right to move forward. It was my healing, having a baby was my only healing in those times. I would move on and pray that the next baby would stay with me.
It wasn't until that 5th m/c that I knew I couldn't keep going, that my dream was about to end if God made that choice for me. It was then too that I knew I would be okay. If I had stopped trying before that I would have regretted it for a lifetime but finally I felt peace with moving on if I did in fact lose another baby.
I wondered that same thing... It felt so right, so real, when everything worked out with the dates and O'ing early. I guess that's why it was so hard to move on after that one. I had believed it was going to be a miracle, it was a vision foreseen... When that miracle died I felt torn. Why would God hurt me like this? Why would he allow this to happen and to give me hope like this? Our miracles aren't always God's!
Now as I look back, I grieve those babies I lost and wonder who they are and what they would have become, but I am thankful for the family I have now. For the space I have between my sons and Lydia. I am a very stressed person lately as the boys have gotten more and more involved in things... I don't think I could have handled the stress of having a baby close in age to Thaddeus. He is a very hard child... Had i had a baby when he was two as I planned, I would have been in a nut house! All things work together for good to those that love the Lord!!! I can and do attest to that. Never would I wish those struggles upon anyone but in the end, for me, it has been a blessing in many ways. I have found the answer to my problems which I wouldn't have even found if I hadn't meant my RE or went back to him when I got pregnant again after the 5th m/c... I would have went through years or depression, laziness, tiredness, being freezing cold even in the summer, migraine headaches... All those things that made me feel like a lousy mother were cured by one Dr. A Dr. that I never would have went to if I never had problems with mmc's. So in the end those mc's were the solution to many areas of my life.
I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you... Having a D&C is so hard going in, and waking up... But in the end it is much less of a rollercoaster than doing it natural. My husband felt like we were giving up on God because the day before that we had the u/s and he felt he saw a flutter of some sort at the u/s... I told him, that was my chance to say goodbye before my baby was given up to God. One last time to see my child and for that I was greatful. I knew it was over and I couldn't hold onto that thought even if he wanted to. You will make it through. If you don't get an answer for it to be done tomorrow just take that time to talk to that baby. He's still there and he's still a part of you.
You will find the answers. Seek him and believe that he knows your pain, he knows your hearts desire and in the end he will give you an answer.
HUGS