July 8, 2008

Ok I know my last post was pretty criptic and in truth I did it that way on purpose. Even though I want this to be on open book, some things jsut have to be kept private, you know? Anyway, things are still complicated and I don't know what will happen now. It really looks like my marriage is on borrowed time. I know that this is really a problem that has just been pushed aside and has been an issue for a very long time now it has just gotten to the point that I can't ignore it or puh it away anymore. I wish it was an easier thing to say that's enough like if there was a drug addiction or something. Those you can see for what they are and you can draw the line, wlk away and no one ever questions that it was the right thing to do. But with this all I have ever gotten are questions about why should I leave or beng told it could be worse (like it could be a drug problem) a lot even tell me that I should just put up with it because of what it is. I get told so many things but I can't do it anymore and Chas knows that. Because of this it has torn us apart many times but because of what others say I always forgive and come back. I have way to much I'm dealing with right now and I can't keep doing this too. Between kids, baby, school, people at school, other people, and now Chas some thing has to give. I can't give up school because that is what will ive the kids a better life and give me the choice to not put up with other stuff. I can't do anything about peopel at school or other people that I run into. All I can do is make a choice to not live like this anymore and out up with it anymore. That is what I am doing. Should things change then I am open to trying again but I'm not going to just ignore it again. I can't do that....
On nother note so far baby seems to be fine (even with all the stress) and I have 8 days until the first trimester screening where I will get another U/S to see thsi little one. hopefully he will have gotten bigger and look realy good inspite of me emotions and stress.