July 26, 2008

Another day. That's all today is, another day. I have been looking for answers for over 9 months now and now I am back to looking for answers. Everyone thinks this time should be easier, but it's not. I think it is harder because of how it had to end and because more people knew and I have to go on with life. Before I had time to grieve, time to move on. This time I don't have that. I have finals at school next week so I have to get my head together and study so I don't loose my 4.0 too. I have worked to hard to lose everything so I jsut have to do it. I hate that I have to go to school and act like it's no big deal and life is great. I put off when I will go to the doctor to try to make sure that my head will be in finals instead of thinking about the test results. I just don't know how to do this. I know that more likely then not I will go in on Aug 4th and be told they have no answers, none and I will be left with nothing. I'm sure they will tell me that becasue they have no answers next time I will be treated the same as well. No extra visits or U/S or anythign to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. If that's the case we will have to be done. I don't know how to go on knowing that this is how it ends though. It doesn't feel right. In my heart I have felt for awhile now that we are meant to have twins and with each pregnancy I have tried to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to happen. I was really surprised to find that Peanut wasn't a twin. I thought for sure I was having twins as it was our last chance and I really thought I would make it to the end this time. I did everything I could to make myself think it was jsut my wishful thinking and not realy the path God had layed out for us. Now I'm not so sure. I wonder if we lost Peanut because we are meant to have twins some day and in the mean time God is sending us all the babies that just need their wings so we have enough time between that it won't be so hard. But I also think I am jsut being wishful. We have agreed to not do anything in the way of birth control (like pills, IUDs, or permanent methods) and to just prevent in other ways should we prevent at all. So for now I feel like I am in limbo. The doctor said we need to wait for one cycle to start before we can start trying again (if I want to be a good girl anyway, but DH is a very bad influence) and I really feel like my body is going to be "broken" again like it was after Jay and if that is the case it will be 6 months before I can get pregnant again anyway unless we do something to "fix" me and we tried everything but fertility drugs last time and nothing worked. I jsut don't know what to do or what to think. I'm still in shock an numb. I know I am. I feel like I can't be anything else right now. Maybe after Aug 4th I will feel more like it is real and it is over. I don't know. I jsut wish I knew what to do and where we go from here.