March 10, 2009

8 Weeks

I wonder at what point breathing will start for me? For most that have had a M/C they say that they feel better fter making it through the first tri because 12 weeks is the "magical point where you are safe" Too bad I can't think that way. I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier to have lost Jay and Peanut earlier thne I did. Like jsut started bleeding by 8 weeks or so instead of going so far into the pregnancy. I know it wouldn't have changed the pain I went through back then, but would it make a difference now? Would I feel like I could be safe once I passed 12 weeks or would I not feel safe until I held my child in my arms and saw them breathing and heard their cry? I keep trying to tell myself I jsut have to make it past that 20 weeks U/S and I'll feel better, but in my heart I know that's not true. I won't feel safe to buy anything until I only have a few weeks left so "just in case" I can still take it back. I don't think I will feel safe with this pregnancy at any point. After losing Jay when I was supposed to be "safe" ffrom a M/C and didn't have to worry about going into labor or anything like that, I don't think I will be able to buy anything or breathe easy until I'm holding my baby. I guess that's psrt of the reason I don't want to find out. Even if we are having twins I still don't want to know although Chas does. I don't know. I guess knowing what gender the baby(ies) is/are will just make it that much more real and that much harder to not shop but I don't want to shop until they are in my arms anyway. I figure that should we be blessed enough to have twins family will be nice enough to throw us a party/baby shower and we could always jsut ask that it be done after they get here and then we can get just the basic stuff in gender neutral colors and thne have a party to welcome our last baby(ies) into the world and get stuff for them then hopefully. If not then we can always just save the money and get everything after they are here too. It would be easy to do it really. Now if only I can get Chas to go with it (of course I could jsut not give him a choice and go to the U/S by myself but after Jay I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that idea)