Wednesday April 2, 2008

I have been putting off posting for weeks now. I was going to post about his due date, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now it’s been 5 months sense I had to say good bye and here I sit. It still hurts, I still want him back, it’s still not fair, and so many other things. I have everyone telling me that I should move on and I should be ok by now, etc. But I realized last night that I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to move on, I want to hold onto this forever. Why? Because then I don’t have to let him go. Yea, I know it doesn’t make sense, but that is how I feel. If I let go, then I have to let him go and I don’t want to. I want to hold him and I want to see him, I want time to rewind so I can change some thing. Anything. In school we have talked about how when you hold something in emotionally it effects you physically. I think that is why my body is so messed up and I can’t get pregnant again. If I can’t let go how can I go through another pregnancy and (hopefully) bring home another child? This is also affecting my marriage. There is this big hole between us and we are trying, but I’m not sure it’s working. Chas forget the due date, or as he puts it he never knew when it was to begin with. I guess that makes sense. To him it was a day in the future that had no real meaning; to me it was an end to the madness of being pregnant. It meant no more cramps, no more worrying, no more morning sickness (yes, I’m one of the lucky ones that has gotten sick for the whole 9+months), it was the day I would get to meat this little person that was playing soccer with my insides. It was a big deal for me from the positive test. Not to him. Yesterday I was in the store and I saw some thing that I had never seen before and I want one. They are these little angel wings. There is one for each month and it says something like (this feather is from your angels wings and the heart is the stone from the month they were born to remember how much they are loved” Well it says it much better then that, but you get the point anyway. I want one to hang up for Jay. Even just to add to his growing box. I’m going to get one actually, as soon as I find the extra $6, which shouldn’t be to hard you would think, right? With that I’m going to close this time. I haven’t started crying yet and I would like to keep it that way. I’m sick of crying, I cry way too much and way to easy anymore, IMO. Oh, and I hope everyone likes the new song I put up. This is the one I wanted to use but I couldn’t find it. I found out that my friend had it after I copied the CD to my computer. So now everyone can listen. I hope you like it, and that for those reading this that know the pain of losing a child- I hope it helps you in some way. Listen to the words, read them on the front page, and cry it out. Cry for the one that you miss be it a child or some one else. This song says it all. Hugs to everyone of you <3