December 14, 2007

I have been meaning to write for days, but for one reason or another it hasn’t happened. So I went to me doctor for the follow up visit and he told me he didn’t think I was getting any better because I was still so sore. He did some blood work and told me to make another appointment on Dec 20th and if I wasn’t better then I would have to go to the hospital for IV meds. Well he called me the next day and told me that my blood work came back normal so either I don’t have an infection or the meds are working so to keep taking them just to be safe and to cancel my next appointment. He had also told me when I saw him to not TTC until this was taken care of and when he called back he said it was ok after all. The last few days have been really hard for me. Two of my online friends had their U/S and so I have been having flash backs. I just couldn’t get happy for them and today I realized that it was more that I was afraid they would go through the same thing. I couldn’t get happy or sad over gender, I just wanted to know that their baby was ok. One of them has some stuff with the placenta that has to be looked at more and I am so afraid for her. I just want to be able to take all the pain away from every one of my friends who have lost a baby or suffer from gender disappointment. Yesterday was my worst day yet, I actually thought about dying. In that moment I realized that I had to do something, so I called UCMT (Utah Collage of Massage Therapy) and made an appointment to go see them today at their open house. I signed up to start school on Jan 7th. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared or wondering if this was the right choice. When I called it felt right, and being there it felt right, and I know it is the best thing for me to do, it’s just that I will be in class from 9 AM- 5:30 PM Mon-Thurs and then have to be there for 6 hours on either Sat or Sun. This is going to be a huge shift in life as we know it. Chas will have to take over all the work at home and get Bry to and from school for those days as well as Chas is going to be working his night shift and have next to no sleep. It will be that I get home and he goes out the door at night and in the morning I will have to just get all the boys ready to go instead of just Bry. I don’t know how we will do it, but it would never be any easier then it is right now. If I wait until later the boys will have to go to daycare were as now Chas can be here. In my head I know it will be ok, but in my heart I hurt knowing that I won’t be around 24/7 like I have been from the time they were born. On a happier note, Chas opened the door to go get Bry today and there was this package. He asked me if I had ordered anything and I told him no. It was for me from redenvelope. I opened the box and it seemed to be nothing but paper. I found this little box inside and opened the card. It was from my friends on the March 2008 birth board. I was in tears after reading the card, and I will post what it says later. I was going to put it under the tree and open it on Christmas, but Chas opened it and inside was this silver circle necklace with the letter J and the Oct birthstone. It is just what I wanted and it is so perfect! I was crying to Chas about how all I wanted was a necklace with the letter J and Jay’s birthstone but I couldn’t find one and we didn’t have the money for it anyway. Now I do have it. It is sitting under my tree and I can’t wait until Christmas so I can start to wear it. Oh, I’m going to cry again.