November 14, 2007

Today sucks. Last night my stomach cramped up really bad, it hurts more then contractions and just wouldn’t let up. I took almost every kind of pain meds I could and it only made it not hurt if I didn’t move. Same thing today, as long as I’m still it doesn’t hurt. It’s not as bad today as it was yesterday though and for that I am grateful and hopeful that it isn’t something really bad. I don’t know though. Along with the pain my stomach is so sensitive that it hurt to have my clothes on last night, add to that the bleeding had stopped and then started back up again right before the pain started. Of course both of these started when I was thinking about if we should have another baby or just get a tubal. The last time I thought about it I got a headache that was so bad I couldn’t open my eyes. It seems every time I start to think about it, really think about it, I am in pain and not just emotional. Maybe I’m causing the pain myself; like the emotions are so great they are coming out in real pain. I don’t know. Right now Chas and I are thinking we are just going to jump right into it and just let God take over and decide what is best. There are so many things going on right now that thinking just hurts in so many ways. I don’t know if I already said this or not and I’m to lazy to go back and re-read to find out so if I’m repeating I’m sorry. On December 1st we are going to Chas’ family Christmas party. The plan for months has been to just show up and see if anyone said anything and maybe even give sarcastic responses about it. Just be real brats about the whole thing and now we don’t get to do that. We got so tired of all the bad and negative things people say about us expecting a baby that we just didn’t want to deal with it until we had to, I just never thought that “had to” would come because we lost the baby. I’m really sad that I won’t have that moment that I have been think of, even dreading, for so many months. It’s just one more thing that won’t happen. I never realized that so many things would remind me of what we lost, it seems just about everything is a reminder in some way. Ok, the pain is getting worse, time to stop thinking and go lay down.