November 6, 2007

‘One week’ I have to get up, but I don’t want to. ‘One week sense life stopped’ I pull myself out of bed. Bryson has to go to school, life has to keep going. I have been trying to be a part of life, I have been trying to be ok for my boys, but now I can’t take it anymore. My baby is gone, I don’t want to keep moving forward, I just don’t. I move to the couch and can’t stay awake. I’m so sad and I don’t want to be awake. It doesn’t hurt when I’m asleep, why can’t I just go back to bed? Chas takes Bryson to school and I sit on the couch with Cam and Alex. Sky is in his playpen and we all are just watching TV. I feel so bad because I can’t stay awake, but I just can’t. Chas comes back from taking Bryson to school and starts to get ready for work. He has to leave really soon and I don’t want him to go. I want to be able to just stay sleeping and not have to face today. ‘One week’ keeps running through my head. How can I go on? But I have to, my boys need me to. As Chas leaves for work I find the strength to be awake, and the day just keeps getting worse. I try to pick up Skyler to get him a clean diaper, but the minute he is in my arms I feel like my chest is going to explode. I know that feeling all to well, my milk has come in and now I just have to deal with the pain until it dries up. Yea, one more thing to remind me that my baby is dead. As the day goes on I try to read the books I got from the library a week ago. None of them talk about losing a baby in the second trimester like I did. I know that so many woman have been through this too, I have met them online, so why is it that even though these books say they talk about it, they don’t? I read the stories and read about trying again after a loss but I skip the rest of it because it doesn’t apply to me. Ok, so the doctors told me that there is no information on this, but can’t they at least put a story in these books from parents who have been where I am? I decide that I should write about what has happened to us and try to put it out there, but I’m not sure when I will be able to do it. I go to read a my friends story online, she lost her baby at about the same time along that I lost Jay so I figure it will be good for me to read about it. After reading her story, I know that I have to write mine. But it’s not really my story; it’s a story about Jay. I start to write it, starting with day 1-the ultrasound. I have no idea where the story will go or how it will end, but at least it will be there and it will be told. Maybe it will make it so no one will forget Jay, I have no idea. Later after Chas gets home from work and the boys are in bed, we start to talk again. I tell him about the book I’m going to write; even if it never makes it into a book at least it is there. He thinks it’s a great idea too and we decide to call it Jay’s Story. As we are getting into bed I just can’t stop crying. Why my baby? He was perfect, he wasn’t sick or anything. If that was the case it would be easier, but there was nothing wrong with him. God just took him for no reason. None. And I’m supposed to be over it and life goes on. People are going to forget Jay and I don’t want that. I don’t want Chas and I to be the only ones who remember Jay. If we do have another baby, it feels like we will be forgetting Jay and it will make everyone else forget Jay too. I know more then ever that I have to write Jay’s Story, I just have to. It has to be told and I have a hard time falling asleep because I’m thinking about all of the things that I need to remember to write in. I don’t want to forget anything. From this day on I will write in Jay’s Story and make sure the story gets told. No matter how gross it is, no matter how terrible I sound. The truth needs to be told. People need to know that they are not alone. Hopefully Jay’s Story will be book some day, but at least it will get put on the net for everyone to read, so people know they are not alone. Some day it will make it, for now I have to get caught up as well as write every day as it comes.