November 2, 2007

I woke up at about 4 AM and just couldn’t sleep anymore. I lay in my bed and just cried. Why me and why Jay? It just didn’t make any sense. The one thing I didn’t think I could handle happened, my baby was dead. After a while Chas woke up and came to sit with me for a little bit, then he tried to get me to get some more sleep, which I was able to after a little bit. A nurse came in and after checking me said that she could feel parts and wasn’t sure if the baby was still whole because it had been so long. I couldn’t stop crying. I just wanted to go home. I had been plagued by dreams all night about losing my other boys too, but now this? I just wanted to stop all of it and go home. Jay could stay right were he/she was and I could go be with my boys. Too bad no one else thought this was a great idea. A new nurse took over and she wasn’t as nice as the ones I had had before. She told me that she was sure Jay was still in one piece and that we could get foot prints and hand prints and even hold him/her. That made me feel better, although I couldn’t stop thinking that I wouldn’t get to hold him/her. At 10:05 AM my doctor came in to check me and Jay was already out. All the doctor had to do was pull Jay the rest of the way out and with him came the placenta and everything. My doctor reached inside me to make sure that everything had come out and really looked hard at Jay and the placenta to make sure everything was there. Chas wouldn’t let me look at Jay; he said it was too bad for me to look. It would only hurt me more, so like we had agreed I trusted him and didn’t look. They left Jay wrapped in blankets sitting by the sink in my room for what felt like forever. When they did take him the said the would get his hand and footprints and we gave them our camera to take some pictures of his feet and hands. They brought back the card with his hand and foot prints and wanted to make sure they knew just what kind of pictures we wanted. A few minutes later they came back to show us the pictures they had and make sure they were ok. They took pictures of Jay holding their hand so you could see just how small his hands are. There are just perfect. I don’t remember much from the moment Jay was “born” or the moments after. I don’t remember much other then just wanting to get out of there. I had to stay long enough to talk to a doctor that was doing a study on why this happens, to find out if Jay could be put in the study. Chas and I both said we wanted Jay in it, maybe he could help save another baby. So I had to give 2 more viles of blood and Chas had to give 2 viles too. He was not happy about that, but as I told him it made 8 viles from me, he could give 2. I had to get my RH shot too and I forgot how much those things hurt. At some point I heard Chas talking to his mom on the phone about how it was over. It was so loud that I could hear her a little bit and every time they called Jay a “fetus” it was all I could do to not scream. I hate that word, he was my baby no matter what some stupid doctor says he should be called. My brother came to pick us up and what I thought would take a few seconds took a lot longer so he wasn’t too happy about sitting out there waiting for us when he thought we would be waiting for him. So Chas and I grabbed our stuff and went to the front desk to grab what they had for us. They had a little box to remember Jay. It had a little tiny hat in it, a heart pillow, and a tiny baby blanket. They had also given us a book and a tiny ring that was baby sized that I could wear or keep in the box. It was all so sweet. As we were at the front desk a woman was wheeled out of her room right by the desk and they played the lullaby that they do for her baby. Well that hit me hard, Jay would never have that played for him. I started to cry and of course everyone asked if I was ok. Yea I was until that moment. I was so happy they let me stay in the labor and delivery and didn’t move me over to post partum where all the babies are. The last thing I needed was to have to hear them crying, knowing Jay would never cry. We went and picked the boys up and came home. I was so tired, but life has to go on and so it does.