A letter to an angel

Dear Jay, It has been three months sense we had to say goodbye and my heart is still broken, my arms still ache, and I still yearn to feel you kick even just once. Nana made you a blanket for Christmas. It is so perfect. She used some of the yarn from each one of your brother’s blankets to make it for you. How I wish I could wrap you in that blanket and hold you close forever. I have been trying so hard to be strong, but I miss you so much. Time seems to be moving so fast. In just over a month you should have been born kicking and screaming. I should be bringing you home to meet your brothers and so they can love you more than anything. Instead, they will never know you and they might not even remember that you ever were here with us no matter how short a time you had been with us. I wonder if it will ever get better, ever get easier. It seems I have figured out how to live with a broken heart, but not how to “get over it” as people think I should. I wish I could see you and hold you even for a moment, but then I would want another and another moment to go with it. Why did you have to be taken away from me? Why did you have to go? Some days I think that maybe, just maybe it has all been just a bad dream and I will wake up to you kicking me. Even now, three months later, I still wish for that. I wish for you and only you. My dear, sweet, little one I wish there was something I could do, something I could have done to save you. I miss you Jay. More than words could ever say. My heart is still broken, my world is still shattered, and nothing will ever fix that but having you back and that is impossible isn’t it? I love you, baby, with all my heart. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I always loved you, I hope you felt that. I hope you felt no pain, only love. I know you had to leave, I just wish I understood why. I know that without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Without you I never would have gone back to school, I never would have met the people that I have, I never would have touched as many people as I have with your story, but I don’t care about all of that. I care about you. You are a part of me and you will forever be my baby no matter if anyone remembers you or not. I will remember you. I know that my work here on this earth isn’t done yet, but when it is I will be there by your side, and I will finally get to hold you and kiss you like I so want to do. When that day comes I pray that you will be the one waiting for me, that you will come to me in my last moments and take my hand and lead me into the light. I will wait for that day with a heavy, broken heart but I will go on. I will take care of your brothers and sister as well as any that may come after you. This I promise you, I will do the best I can with what time I have left to take care of your daddy, brothers, and sister so that when the time comes for you to come and take my hand I will be ready to follow you with no regrets. With all my love, Mommy