January 31, 2008

3 months Whoever said “Time heals all wounds” must have never lost a child. 3 months later it still hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. My plan to go to school to be ok, didn’t work. If anything it has made it worse. Now I have to act like I’m ok all the time. I have to get up and go to school and be ok at school. I can’t just go in with tears streaming down my face and tell everyone that my heart is still broken. I just want to be able to scream it from the rooftops. And now Chas has decided that he doesn’t want a baby anytime soon, maybe never again. My heart is broken and my arms ache for the baby I should be able to hold in 2 months. I want my Jay back. Maybe going to school did work a little. It made it so I have time when I can’t think about Jay. I have to think about school to be able to pass. I wonder if others would think I’m depressed. I don’t think I am. Sure I’m still really, really sad, but I still can find joy in my boys and in school. I like school actually and I want to be ok so I can do great in school. And at school I found someone who knows what it feels like to lose a baby. She lost a twin at 7 months pregnant, only she took the other route from me. She didn’t find out boy or girl, she didn’t see the baby, she didn’t name the baby. I can understand that. The only reason Jay has a name is because we had been calling him that for months at that point. From the moment we got the BFP on the pregnancy test we started talking names and he was Jay within a week, boy or girl. Why does it have to hurt so much? Not only is Saturday 3 months, but then in March I have the due date and I’m not sure which hurts more. I just want to go to school with tears running down my face and be able to be honest about it. I want to be able to take Jay’s things with me and show them off, but it’s not an ok thing to do. Just the other night my friend (who lost her baby) told me that there are things she just can’t tell me yet and I feel like Jay is one of those things I can’t share yet. I feel like I’m not allowed to share him, like I have to just go on like he never was here. It’s just not fair. My heart is broken and my arms ache for the baby I should be able to hold but will never hold. I should have held him. I trust Chas and I really truly think it was for the best, but I should have held him anyway. I should have looked at him and taken more pictures. And now it’s too late and I’ll never get the chance. It’s just not fair. I should be 7 months pregnant and in pain and uncomfortable and counting down the days until my baby is in my arms. I am so baby hungry and I shouldn’t be because my baby should almost be here.