October 31, 2007

In the first moments of being awake everything was great. My hand was on my stomach, or maybe it was Chas’ and I smiled inside about it. Then it hit me, hard. ‘My baby is dead!’ I was reliving the moment all over again. It was Halloween and our anniversary, but our baby was dead. How was I going to go through the day? I cried and cried all morning. I didn’t want to get up, but I had to. Bryson had to go to school, Alex, Camren, and Skyler needed to be in their costumes like we promised. We had to get going. The boys asked why Chas and I weren’t getting into our costumes and I told them it just hurt too much. I was going to be a pumpkin, and I tried to put it on, but it just made me think of Jay even more. Bryson was very upset about it so Chas told him that the reason it hurt to much was because I was going to be a Jack-o-lantern and Jay was the light inside, but the light had gone out. Once again I started to cry and Chas quickly tried to tell me he was sorry, but I cut him off. He was right, it fit very well. Bryson was a few minutes late to school because we had stopped to print up an e-mail that we had sent out the night before that told everyone what had happened. I gave one to Bryson’s teacher when we walked him to his class before going to the lunchroom to sit and wait for the parade to start. I just felt numb. I was here, but I wasn’t. I had to get through the day, I just had to. My aunt came and gave the boys trick-or-treat bags full of candy. She also gave me a teddy bear that looked like a scarecrow. It became my life line through the days ahead. Pretty soon the parade started and we watched for Bryson well talking about the costumes. I honestly didn’t really see any of them that my aunt and Chas were talking about. I just agreed because life was supposed to go on. I had my moment to cry right after hearing about it, now life went on. Heaven forbid I still be upset 24 hours after hearing that my baby was dead, after all it was “just a miscarriage” it’s not like I lost a “real baby” After the parade, I said goodbye to Chas, the boys, and my aunt and made my way to Bryson’s class. I knew it meant so much to him for me to be there, so I had to make it. I got the book from him that I was going to read, and his teacher gave me a hug, asked how I was doing and said she couldn’t believe I was even there. I told her I had to be there, it meant so much to Bryson and it was better then just sitting at home. She kept asking if I was ok, which just made it worse. I finally told her that I was ok, really. She made a comment about not asking anymore so I could stop thinking about it and I told her that was exactly it. I sat down where she told me to and I read books to the kids. I had moments where I just had to stop and breathe because it hurt so much, but I made it through without any tears. After the party was over I told Bryson that I was going to leave, and he didn’t want me to go. He started to cry a little and I told him that if he needed to come home to just call and someone would come and get him. The class went out to recess and I stayed for some reason to talk/listen to the other parents talking. I really wanted to just get out of there, but for some reason I just couldn’t go. Not yet. A few moments after the class went out to recess, Bryson and one of his friends came back in. Bryson was crying so hard he just couldn’t stay. We got his stuff and we came home. We walked to the office to check him out and when asked if he was sick I wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t make me cry. “We have a family crisis right now” was what I said, it fit I guess and it was the first thing I thought of. As we walked home Bryson started to feel better, but I didn’t. All I could think of was how long the day was going to be and how was I going to make it. When we got home the other boys had already had some candy, so Bryson got to have some. We were going to watch Halloween movies all day, drink “bug juice” and just have so much fun. Now it was so different. The boys wanted to play video games and Chas and I didn’t have it in us to say no. I fell asleep on the couch while they played and Chas was on the computer. It was nothing like it was supposed to be. I felt so bad because life was supposed to go on, yet it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same and I couldn’t let anyone know it. By the time we could go trick-or-treating things had really fallen apart for me. I just couldn’t do this. I wanted to just climb into bed and not get up, let alone go and face the world again. I tried to come up with a costume other then the ones I had but I couldn’t so I put on my pirate costume that hugged my body and showed off my “baby bump” minus the baby. It hurt so much. I just kept praying that no one would ask about the baby. Somehow we made it through trick-or-treating, although we didn’t do as much as Chas wanted or the boys wanted for that matter. I just couldn’t be ok long enough though and it was cold. When we got home I kept it together long enough for the boys to go to bed, then it was back to crying again. We talked about what Chas had said that morning, about Jay being the light in the jack-o-lantern. We decided that every year we would put a candle in a pumpkin just for Jay. But why wait that long? We are going to get a candle holder for a candle just for Jay, one that has pumpkins on it, and in the spring when we plant the pumpkin patch we had planned on, we will call it “Jay’s Pumpkin Patch.” Just like the night before I kept thinking I was feeling Jay move and it made it hurt so much more. Tomorrow I would see my doctor and find out what happened next, but for now I had to try to sleep. We never said “Happy Anniversary” probably because there was nothing to be happy about.