November 9, 2007

Something I forgot to mention yesterday was that I went to the library after leaving the doctor’s office. I didn’t mention it because it is such a normal thing for me to do seeing as how the library is on the way home from his new office. I tend to go into a library with little to no idea about what I am looking for. If I have an idea I look for where the books on that will be and just grab whatever looks good to me. If I have no idea I will pick somewhere to start and walk the isles until something catches my eye. It’s just how I am. Well yesterday, just like the day of the ultrasound I was looking for books on miscarriage and pregnancy after a loss. Well all of the books on miscarriage that I had grabbed the day of the ultrasound were useless to me. The all talked about a miscarriage in the first trimester, but not in the second. Even books that said they were about late miscarriage didn’t mention anything before 20 week. So one set of book talked about before 10 weeks and the other was for after 20 weeks. None of them applied to Jay. That is what made me decide to write a book about between 10-20 weeks because there was nothing out there that talked about it. Well the books I grabbed yesterday are of just as much help. One of them is about “avoiding miscarriage” and the other about “pregnancy after a loss” The first one is new, out in 2007, the second one was out in 1999. I have yet to read the first one, but the pregnancy one didn’t help me at all, because it doesn’t mention anything that pertains to me. So far the avoiding one doesn’t seem to be much help either, but I’m trying to be open. Along with these and aside from books that were put on hold before all of this happened I got 3 exercise when pregnant books, 2 cookbooks for pregnancy, 1 about morning sickness and how to prevent it (I figure that will be good for a laugh if nothing else), and 1 about medicine you can and can’t take when pregnant. I also got some books about writing a book, but they have proved after a glance to not be worth too much when it comes to my book, but I’m still going to look over them more. I have to say I thought today would be harder then it is. One week ago we “delivered” Jay and had to say goodbye, no more dreaming the doctor was wrong. Maybe that is because on Tuesday of last week I heard that he was gone so I was able to get ready for what was to come. I guess I’ll never know for sure. Today is another day of second guessing if we should or will have another baby. I really feel like I should just leave it up to God to figure it out, if I make the choice I feel like it won’t matter anyway, not to mention I figured out (thanks to one of the books I got last week) that there are only 2 months over the next year that I could actively try to get pregnant in without it having some kind of reason not to. Chas and I have agreed that if we just leave it up to God the only month that we will actively prevent a pregnancy will be in June because that would put us on the same timeline that Jay was on and I couldn’t live through that, you know? My stomach still hurts from yesterday, and after I got home I took medicine that the doctor gave me at the hospital that just made me so tired. I fell asleep so fast last night. I was trying to read and I could not stay awake for it. Then I was so sound asleep that I almost didn’t hear Skyler crying, I felt so bad about that, but then I fell into a deep sleep again. I vaguely remember dreaming about Jay, although I don’t know what it was about or if I even remember it right. Oh, well. I had a lot of dreams like that when pregnant with him, even though all the dreams like that with my other boys were so clear. I think it might be better that I don’t remember them right now; it probably would just make it hurt more. I’m going to try to go to bed soon, I just wish my stomach would stop hurting…