March 5, 2008

I hate March. In 16 days you should have been in my arms safe and sound. You should have been meeting your brothers and having them love you more then life itself. I should be feeling you kick and wondering how much longer and wishing you would just come now. Your dad’s birthday is next week and I was hoping he would get you for a present. My arms hurt almost as much as my heart, and now as we have decided to let God take over and give us a baby if that is what we are meant to have, I think about you more. I wonder if I will loose your brother or sister like I did you. My heart can’t take that. So my sweet Jay I’m asking you to pull some strings for me, I can handle not ever getting pregnant again, but I could never handle another loss, so will you please tell God for me that if he plans on taking your brother or sister away to just do it before I ever know I’m pregnant? Ok, I sound crazy. Maybe I am. I miss you so much and I hope that you know that. Maybe you can pull some strings and have God send me twins so that my arms don’t feel so empty? I have come to accept that you were needed there more then you are here, fine I’m ok with that, but it doesn’t make it not hurt. I miss you more then words could say. I hate and love the fact that you haunt my dreams, and I don’t really want you to stop. I wish you could tell me if I’m doing the right thing, I wish I knew if I’m meant to have another baby so I could move forward in whatever way I am meant to instead of wondering and hoping I’m making the right choice. I love you Jay, and I miss you so much. Please send me something, anything to help make this easier like you did before with the blanket. I need it so badly.