November 30, 2007

Dear Jay, I’m thinking of you today. I think of you all the time, but today I’m really thinking of you. I wonder what you looked like. I wonder what color your eyes are. I wonder what color your hair is. I wonder so much and I will never know. I wonder if you think of me and if you love me and know who I am. I wonder if you know you have 4 brothers and a sister and that they miss you. I wonder if you know your dad and that he misses you. I wonder if you know that my heart breaks because you are not here. I wish I could hold you, hear you laugh, see you smile. I wish so much and I wonder so much that it’s weird that I can so anything else. I want you back. I want you back with all my heart. I would have given my life if it meant you could have lived. I would give just about anything to have you here with us. I’m so sorry for so many things that I wish I could take back or change. I love you more then words could ever say. You are in my heart forever and always. I will never forget you or stop missing you. Me wanting another baby is not because I didn’t want you or that I don’t want you. My arms just hurt and I feel like there is another baby that is meant to follow you. I would never try to fill your place, ever. Oh sweetie, I want you in my arms so badly. I wish I could wrap you in your blanket and kiss your face. I want to hold you close and never let you go. My baby, there are no words to explain how I feel. I wish I could be with you, but your brothers need me still. Some day I will be there and I can hold you close, we can talk and I can hear you laugh. I can see your face and your smile. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to hold you when I had the chance and I’m so sorry for so many things. I love you with all my heart. With all my love, Mommy