Friday April 4, 2008

Today is the day I started this blog. Everything that is dated before today was posted on Jay’s website. Any time it mentions the picture section you can go to his website and see then there. You will find the link to Jay's website at te right side of the page (click on "Jay's Memorial Site") I’m going to take the time to re-read everything I have posted before and hopefully be back later today to post. Thank you to anyone that is taking the time to read this.

Wednesday April 2, 2008

I have been putting off posting for weeks now. I was going to post about his due date, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now it’s been 5 months sense I had to say good bye and here I sit. It still hurts, I still want him back, it’s still not fair, and so many other things. I have everyone telling me that I should move on and I should be ok by now, etc. But I realized last night that I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to move on, I want to hold onto this forever. Why? Because then I don’t have to let him go. Yea, I know it doesn’t make sense, but that is how I feel. If I let go, then I have to let him go and I don’t want to. I want to hold him and I want to see him, I want time to rewind so I can change some thing. Anything. In school we have talked about how when you hold something in emotionally it effects you physically. I think that is why my body is so messed up and I can’t get pregnant again. If I can’t let go how can I go through another pregnancy and (hopefully) bring home another child? This is also affecting my marriage. There is this big hole between us and we are trying, but I’m not sure it’s working. Chas forget the due date, or as he puts it he never knew when it was to begin with. I guess that makes sense. To him it was a day in the future that had no real meaning; to me it was an end to the madness of being pregnant. It meant no more cramps, no more worrying, no more morning sickness (yes, I’m one of the lucky ones that has gotten sick for the whole 9+months), it was the day I would get to meat this little person that was playing soccer with my insides. It was a big deal for me from the positive test. Not to him. Yesterday I was in the store and I saw some thing that I had never seen before and I want one. They are these little angel wings. There is one for each month and it says something like (this feather is from your angels wings and the heart is the stone from the month they were born to remember how much they are loved” Well it says it much better then that, but you get the point anyway. I want one to hang up for Jay. Even just to add to his growing box. I’m going to get one actually, as soon as I find the extra $6, which shouldn’t be to hard you would think, right? With that I’m going to close this time. I haven’t started crying yet and I would like to keep it that way. I’m sick of crying, I cry way too much and way to easy anymore, IMO. Oh, and I hope everyone likes the new song I put up. This is the one I wanted to use but I couldn’t find it. I found out that my friend had it after I copied the CD to my computer. So now everyone can listen. I hope you like it, and that for those reading this that know the pain of losing a child- I hope it helps you in some way. Listen to the words, read them on the front page, and cry it out. Cry for the one that you miss be it a child or some one else. This song says it all. Hugs to everyone of you <3

March 5, 2008

I hate March. In 16 days you should have been in my arms safe and sound. You should have been meeting your brothers and having them love you more then life itself. I should be feeling you kick and wondering how much longer and wishing you would just come now. Your dad’s birthday is next week and I was hoping he would get you for a present. My arms hurt almost as much as my heart, and now as we have decided to let God take over and give us a baby if that is what we are meant to have, I think about you more. I wonder if I will loose your brother or sister like I did you. My heart can’t take that. So my sweet Jay I’m asking you to pull some strings for me, I can handle not ever getting pregnant again, but I could never handle another loss, so will you please tell God for me that if he plans on taking your brother or sister away to just do it before I ever know I’m pregnant? Ok, I sound crazy. Maybe I am. I miss you so much and I hope that you know that. Maybe you can pull some strings and have God send me twins so that my arms don’t feel so empty? I have come to accept that you were needed there more then you are here, fine I’m ok with that, but it doesn’t make it not hurt. I miss you more then words could say. I hate and love the fact that you haunt my dreams, and I don’t really want you to stop. I wish you could tell me if I’m doing the right thing, I wish I knew if I’m meant to have another baby so I could move forward in whatever way I am meant to instead of wondering and hoping I’m making the right choice. I love you Jay, and I miss you so much. Please send me something, anything to help make this easier like you did before with the blanket. I need it so badly.

February 9, 2008

So today I did something that I never ever thought I would do. Don’t get me wrong I have wanted to do it forever and I don’t regret it for a second, I just never thought I would do it. I guess it was just a matter of finding something that I really loved and knew I would never regret, and this I will never regret. I went today and got a tattoo to remember Jay. I will put a picture of it in the picture section. It actually wasn’t that bad. I thought it would be terribly painful but I made it through without even a tear. Sure there were spots that hurt a lot, but overall it wasn’t that bad. I’m glad I did it, even if my back hurts. Oh, that’s were I got it, on my lower back right under my pants line when they sit on my waist, not the low rise ones. I’m very happy with it. It’s just perfect.

A letter to an angel

Dear Jay, It has been three months sense we had to say goodbye and my heart is still broken, my arms still ache, and I still yearn to feel you kick even just once. Nana made you a blanket for Christmas. It is so perfect. She used some of the yarn from each one of your brother’s blankets to make it for you. How I wish I could wrap you in that blanket and hold you close forever. I have been trying so hard to be strong, but I miss you so much. Time seems to be moving so fast. In just over a month you should have been born kicking and screaming. I should be bringing you home to meet your brothers and so they can love you more than anything. Instead, they will never know you and they might not even remember that you ever were here with us no matter how short a time you had been with us. I wonder if it will ever get better, ever get easier. It seems I have figured out how to live with a broken heart, but not how to “get over it” as people think I should. I wish I could see you and hold you even for a moment, but then I would want another and another moment to go with it. Why did you have to be taken away from me? Why did you have to go? Some days I think that maybe, just maybe it has all been just a bad dream and I will wake up to you kicking me. Even now, three months later, I still wish for that. I wish for you and only you. My dear, sweet, little one I wish there was something I could do, something I could have done to save you. I miss you Jay. More than words could ever say. My heart is still broken, my world is still shattered, and nothing will ever fix that but having you back and that is impossible isn’t it? I love you, baby, with all my heart. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I always loved you, I hope you felt that. I hope you felt no pain, only love. I know you had to leave, I just wish I understood why. I know that without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Without you I never would have gone back to school, I never would have met the people that I have, I never would have touched as many people as I have with your story, but I don’t care about all of that. I care about you. You are a part of me and you will forever be my baby no matter if anyone remembers you or not. I will remember you. I know that my work here on this earth isn’t done yet, but when it is I will be there by your side, and I will finally get to hold you and kiss you like I so want to do. When that day comes I pray that you will be the one waiting for me, that you will come to me in my last moments and take my hand and lead me into the light. I will wait for that day with a heavy, broken heart but I will go on. I will take care of your brothers and sister as well as any that may come after you. This I promise you, I will do the best I can with what time I have left to take care of your daddy, brothers, and sister so that when the time comes for you to come and take my hand I will be ready to follow you with no regrets. With all my love, Mommy

January 31, 2008

3 months Whoever said “Time heals all wounds” must have never lost a child. 3 months later it still hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. My plan to go to school to be ok, didn’t work. If anything it has made it worse. Now I have to act like I’m ok all the time. I have to get up and go to school and be ok at school. I can’t just go in with tears streaming down my face and tell everyone that my heart is still broken. I just want to be able to scream it from the rooftops. And now Chas has decided that he doesn’t want a baby anytime soon, maybe never again. My heart is broken and my arms ache for the baby I should be able to hold in 2 months. I want my Jay back. Maybe going to school did work a little. It made it so I have time when I can’t think about Jay. I have to think about school to be able to pass. I wonder if others would think I’m depressed. I don’t think I am. Sure I’m still really, really sad, but I still can find joy in my boys and in school. I like school actually and I want to be ok so I can do great in school. And at school I found someone who knows what it feels like to lose a baby. She lost a twin at 7 months pregnant, only she took the other route from me. She didn’t find out boy or girl, she didn’t see the baby, she didn’t name the baby. I can understand that. The only reason Jay has a name is because we had been calling him that for months at that point. From the moment we got the BFP on the pregnancy test we started talking names and he was Jay within a week, boy or girl. Why does it have to hurt so much? Not only is Saturday 3 months, but then in March I have the due date and I’m not sure which hurts more. I just want to go to school with tears running down my face and be able to be honest about it. I want to be able to take Jay’s things with me and show them off, but it’s not an ok thing to do. Just the other night my friend (who lost her baby) told me that there are things she just can’t tell me yet and I feel like Jay is one of those things I can’t share yet. I feel like I’m not allowed to share him, like I have to just go on like he never was here. It’s just not fair. My heart is broken and my arms ache for the baby I should be able to hold but will never hold. I should have held him. I trust Chas and I really truly think it was for the best, but I should have held him anyway. I should have looked at him and taken more pictures. And now it’s too late and I’ll never get the chance. It’s just not fair. I should be 7 months pregnant and in pain and uncomfortable and counting down the days until my baby is in my arms. I am so baby hungry and I shouldn’t be because my baby should almost be here.

December 17, 2007

Today I went to school to finalize everything. Jan 7th I start night school and will graduate Dec 2008 if everything goes well. Chas and I talked today about having another one and we decided that logically we shouldn’t have anymore even though in our hearts we want another baby. Right now I just want Jay back though, I miss him so much. So I called my Dr and made an appointment for Thursday to go in and talk to the dr and schedule a tubal. After that I left to go to school. I called Chas after I got done at school, and he told me that Bryson’s teacher called and wanted to know if I could come in on Thursday instead of on Friday for the lesson I was going to teach his class (they are doing family traditions and every family has to go in) Well Bry has been having a hard time with me going in and then leaving so I will have to stay the whole day, which means that I had to cancel the appointment. This was the last chance I would have to get it all figured out so insurance would still cover it, so now that I can’t go in I can’t go through with it. I had been thinking that it was a bad idea, and even Chas said he thought it was but logically we shouldn’t have anymore kids. Well now that is off and I’m happy and sad about it to tell you the truth. Add to that my cycle is so messed up. I’m on day 23 and still haven’t ovulated yet. Sure my dr said he thought I was ovulating, but my temps and OPK (ovulation prediction kit) show no sign of that happening. With Christmas next week there is no way I will get a Christmas BFP, but with going to school that is a good thing I guess. Now I will just have to be careful until May or later to not get pregnant so that I won’t have to miss school, but maybe I just won’t even ovulate until then anyway.

December 14, 2007

I have been meaning to write for days, but for one reason or another it hasn’t happened. So I went to me doctor for the follow up visit and he told me he didn’t think I was getting any better because I was still so sore. He did some blood work and told me to make another appointment on Dec 20th and if I wasn’t better then I would have to go to the hospital for IV meds. Well he called me the next day and told me that my blood work came back normal so either I don’t have an infection or the meds are working so to keep taking them just to be safe and to cancel my next appointment. He had also told me when I saw him to not TTC until this was taken care of and when he called back he said it was ok after all. The last few days have been really hard for me. Two of my online friends had their U/S and so I have been having flash backs. I just couldn’t get happy for them and today I realized that it was more that I was afraid they would go through the same thing. I couldn’t get happy or sad over gender, I just wanted to know that their baby was ok. One of them has some stuff with the placenta that has to be looked at more and I am so afraid for her. I just want to be able to take all the pain away from every one of my friends who have lost a baby or suffer from gender disappointment. Yesterday was my worst day yet, I actually thought about dying. In that moment I realized that I had to do something, so I called UCMT (Utah Collage of Massage Therapy) and made an appointment to go see them today at their open house. I signed up to start school on Jan 7th. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared or wondering if this was the right choice. When I called it felt right, and being there it felt right, and I know it is the best thing for me to do, it’s just that I will be in class from 9 AM- 5:30 PM Mon-Thurs and then have to be there for 6 hours on either Sat or Sun. This is going to be a huge shift in life as we know it. Chas will have to take over all the work at home and get Bry to and from school for those days as well as Chas is going to be working his night shift and have next to no sleep. It will be that I get home and he goes out the door at night and in the morning I will have to just get all the boys ready to go instead of just Bry. I don’t know how we will do it, but it would never be any easier then it is right now. If I wait until later the boys will have to go to daycare were as now Chas can be here. In my head I know it will be ok, but in my heart I hurt knowing that I won’t be around 24/7 like I have been from the time they were born. On a happier note, Chas opened the door to go get Bry today and there was this package. He asked me if I had ordered anything and I told him no. It was for me from redenvelope. I opened the box and it seemed to be nothing but paper. I found this little box inside and opened the card. It was from my friends on the March 2008 birth board. I was in tears after reading the card, and I will post what it says later. I was going to put it under the tree and open it on Christmas, but Chas opened it and inside was this silver circle necklace with the letter J and the Oct birthstone. It is just what I wanted and it is so perfect! I was crying to Chas about how all I wanted was a necklace with the letter J and Jay’s birthstone but I couldn’t find one and we didn’t have the money for it anyway. Now I do have it. It is sitting under my tree and I can’t wait until Christmas so I can start to wear it. Oh, I’m going to cry again.

December 5, 2007

(I posted on a message board today) (post one) I am losing all hope of a Christmas BFP. I don’t see how it can or will happen. Ok, let me explain (TMI) On Sunday Nov 25th I started AF. It was light- med until Wed Nov 28th when it got heavy. It hasn’t stopped or even slowed down sense. So aside from the yuck factor and the fact that I have felt horrible for about 11 days now with no end in site, how in the world can I BD when moving causes a “waterfall” effect?? Ok I’m going to stop now because this is really gross So much for that Christmas present I guess. (post two) So I called the dr today because I just felt like something more is going on. The nurse told me that an 11 day heavy AF could be normal, but asked the dr anyway just to be sure (not my dr the other one in the office) and the dr said it very well could be normal but to come in and they would fit me in as soon as I got there. So I went and she did a pap, an U/S, and blood work. I learned a few things though- 1) it still hurts when people ask me how far along I am or if I'm making a prenatal appointment (nurse and receptionist) 2) it doesn't hurt as much to say that my baby died 3) my stomach hurts when touched or when a pap is done 4) U/S are "slightly" painful (is it wrong that I hoped to see a heartbeat or that for a sec I thought I did?) and 5) I have an infection. So now I am on 2 kinds of pills and have been told no alcohol at all (not even the amount in cough syrup) or I will be throwing up. Oh, and my lining is very thin so no idea where all the blood is coming from. I have been told to see my Dr on Tuesday and if the bleeding gets worse or I start to have flu like symptoms or just feel sicker then I do right now to call because I might have to get an IV for stronger stuff. At least now I have a possible reason for what happened to Jay because the dr told me that this probably has been "stewing" for awhile now. The meds I have been put on are Levaquin 500 MG, one pill a day and Metronidazole 500 MG 2 pills a day, both for 14 days. One Tuesday I go to see my doctor for a follow up to make sure that I am starting to get better. Maybe I can be lucky enough that the bleeding will stop by then too. (yea, right) I have also started taking my temp again in the morning to chart my BBT and I bought some ovulation prediction kits (OPKs) so that I can try to pin down if/when I ovulate and that way know if I could get pregnant this month and get a Christmas BFP (positive pregnancy test ) although it seems very likely that I will not get the chance to BD ( have sex to get pregnant) before that happens because of the bleeding. It’s days like today that I wonder if I should just get my tubes tied and be done with it. I want a baby. I want Jay back, but I know that is impossible so I just want a baby. Hopefully a girl, not just because I want a girl but because then there will be no doubt that the baby is not Jay. Bryson and Alex have decided that the next baby will be God giving us back Jay and no matter how much I tell them that is not the case they don’t believe me and want to name the next baby Jay. How do you tell a 6 and 5 year old that it doesn’t work that way? I have tried telling them that we can’t give Jay’s name to another baby just like we can’t give their name to another baby, but they think it would be cool if another baby had the same name as them. Ugh.

December 2, 2007

WOW- a vent Ok so I went to the party and we took all of Jay's stuff with to show off and we wore our ribbons. Well after we get there Bryson tells MIL about the ribbons and wants to show her the pictures of Jay. So I give them to him and she just was, disgusted is too harsh but you get the point. My oldest SIL said that she had no idea we had lost a baby, but didn't want to know more. My MIL told me to not show DH's grandma because it would just upset her and gave the impression that I should just put it all away and why would anyone want to see such a thing. When DH's grandma got there she asked me how I was doing after "my M/C" I told her I was ok (lie) and that I had to go through L&D and Jay was really close to being a stillborn (ok that was a lie, but I hate it when people call him a "M/C" seeing as how I have his hand and foot prints, pictures, and everything) Then when SIL#2 got there she said hi to me, actually calling my name to get my attention to say hi to me. She is the one that I always thought didn't like me the most, yet she is the only one who called us too. After awhile she asked us if we had 4 boys, because she thought we only had 3 for some reason. I made a comment about Jay making 5 boys and so she started talking to us a little bit about Jay. Awhile later after everyone got there, DH asked me if I had shown Jay's box or anything to anyone and I told him no because his mother told me to put it away. So he got out the "Merry Christmas From Heaven" ornament that we were given to show to people. Everyone loved it, and couldn't believe that someone online that I had never met would send something so thoughtful. They all said she must be a wonderful incredible woman DH showed it to his grandma and I made sure she saw the back and she says "Oh you named it?" It hurt but I know that in her time they didn't do such a thing so I didn't let it get to me. She also said that she would like to see the pictures some time, but they were leaving so she couldn't right then. As we were getting ready to leave SIL#2 comes out because she wants to see Jay's things. She say his pictures and his box. I told her the story of the blanket and she agreed that it was a sign. She also took one of the cards I made to remember Jay. she was the only one to take a card actually. So I guess this isn't much of a vent, other then it hurt so much to be told to put all of it away so I didn't offend anyone. In reality I learned something today- the one SIL that I thought would be the worst about all of this way the best to me today. I guess it just goes to show that even though people can be terrible and you think they don't like you once something like this happen you really learn the truth. I was so shocked that she was the one to stand up and be nice out of everyone

November 30, 2007

Dear Jay, I’m thinking of you today. I think of you all the time, but today I’m really thinking of you. I wonder what you looked like. I wonder what color your eyes are. I wonder what color your hair is. I wonder so much and I will never know. I wonder if you think of me and if you love me and know who I am. I wonder if you know you have 4 brothers and a sister and that they miss you. I wonder if you know your dad and that he misses you. I wonder if you know that my heart breaks because you are not here. I wish I could hold you, hear you laugh, see you smile. I wish so much and I wonder so much that it’s weird that I can so anything else. I want you back. I want you back with all my heart. I would have given my life if it meant you could have lived. I would give just about anything to have you here with us. I’m so sorry for so many things that I wish I could take back or change. I love you more then words could ever say. You are in my heart forever and always. I will never forget you or stop missing you. Me wanting another baby is not because I didn’t want you or that I don’t want you. My arms just hurt and I feel like there is another baby that is meant to follow you. I would never try to fill your place, ever. Oh sweetie, I want you in my arms so badly. I wish I could wrap you in your blanket and kiss your face. I want to hold you close and never let you go. My baby, there are no words to explain how I feel. I wish I could be with you, but your brothers need me still. Some day I will be there and I can hold you close, we can talk and I can hear you laugh. I can see your face and your smile. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to hold you when I had the chance and I’m so sorry for so many things. I love you with all my heart. With all my love, Mommy

November 27, 2007

Today I went shopping to get prints of Jay's pictures and stuff to make ribbons for me, DH, and the boys to wear to the party on Sunday among other things. This morning was hard getting ready to go to the store. I had sent the pictures online to pick up and it just made it so real knowing that I would have the pictures in my hand. It was like my baby is really gone and now I have the proof. I went to Wal-Mart and I was looking for little angel charms to put on the ribbons I'm making for Sunday and it took me forever to find anything like I wanted for the ribbon and then it took me so long to find any kind of an angel that didn't go on top of a tree. I was just about ready to cry when I found something that is perfect. I'll have to take pictures of them after I'm done so you guys can see them. I hope they turn out really cute. And besides if all of us are wearing these ribbons my ILs are bound to ask what they are for. After that, I ended up at Dollar Tree to buy some HPTs for when I need them and some how I ended up on the baby isle. I started looking at things thinking it would be fun if I did get a BFP I could just wrap some thing up to give to DH. I found this green fleece blanket that had an angel on it, a boy looking angel even! I thought that would be great for Jay, but stopped myself from grabbing it. I went to reach for something next to it to look at and, no kidding, the blanket fell off into my arms! I put it in the cart right then and there. I looked through the blankets there and it was the only one with an angel on it. Not even in a different color. It just so happened to be right where I could see it and then it fell into my arms. I just had to buy it. After the morning I had and how much I miss Jay today, I figured he must have sent it to me to hold because I can't hold him.

November 26, 2007

It has been so long sense I have wrote, but life has been a blur. Thanksgiving was sad but pretty ok all in all. Starting that day I have been really sad at night and missed Jay so much. Sunday will be one month sense he was born and I am spending it with my inlaws. I feel like I have to be ok and perfect for them, but how do I do that? My baby is gone and no one seems to care. Ok, not no one. Everyone I have “met” online is so supportive. They have gone to Jay’s website and posted the nicest things. No one I know in real life has done that. They just don’t seem to care. How can everyone just not care that Jay is gone? How can they be so cold? Last night I got my period back, or at least what seems to be it, so that means we can start really trying again. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m kind of numb to the whole thing. Numb to being pregnant again, numb to life. I just keep thinking I’m done with “this” I just don’t know what “this” is yet or how to be done with it. Maybe I’ll figure it out, but for now I’m not even going to try.

November 17, 2001

Yesterday and today were better then my last entry. I have to say much of the last two days has been a blur though. Tonight I have had a moment or two were I have been so sad, but over all I am ok. Today was spent playing Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. That is what I did mostly yesterday too. The boys love Zelda so much, they pretend to be Link. It’s so funny. They go around playing with anything they can find to be a sword and shield as well as any other things Link has in the game. They do everything like Link all the way down to the poses he does when he opens a treasure chest. They are just so cute. The other day walking to meet Bryson after school, Alex dropped his “telescope” (a toilet paper roll) so he ran back to get it and when he picked it up he sings/yells the music that is played on Zelda whenever Link gets something and strikes the pose. He stood there for almost a minute before running back to me, Camren, and Skyler. I stood there watching him and wondering what the people in their cars were thinking as the drove by. It was all I could do to not laugh, because to them Zelda is very serious stuff. HA! Well it is actually after midnight and I should so be asleep. I just had one of those moments laying in bed and figured it was better to come and write my entry seeing as how I hadn’t for a day or two then to lay back there and let the sadness over take me. Good night.

November 15, 2007

I think Chas is mad at me. Yesterday, well for a few days, I have wanted to be close and he really wants to be close, but the minute he kisses me I just pull away because it hurts to much. What if I get pregnant? I want to be pregnant, but what if it happens? What if we lose another baby? Does being pregnant again mean that I have to move on and “forget” Jay? Being pregnant will make everyone else forget Jay even faster because they will think I’m over it. How do you get over it? I know a lot of people are thinking that it was “just a miscarriage not a stillborn” so I should just move on and get over it. I can’t do that. My heart hurts so badly right now, I just want my baby. I want to be able to hold him or even better to have him kicking me knowing that he is still growing inside me where he should be. A few days ago we found out that Chas’ family will be having a Christmas party and the plan had been to tell them at the party about Jay. Now that won’t happen. I had already figured out what I would wear, it’s this really big sweater that would hide my stomach really well. That way we could just wait and see if anyone noticed or not. Now I don’t have that. Another thing that is coming up is Chas’, graduation. I had that outfit all figured out too. It’s his jacket that I never got to wear with Skyler. It would have been so perfect but now that is gone too. So many times are coming that should be happy and I just feel so sad. I don’t know what to do or how to be ok. Next week we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my aunt and then the week after that is the Christmas party. I don’t know how to be happy and everything when I don’t feel it. I have to be ok, but I don’t know how to be. No one will understand. No one. How do I do this? How do I make everyone think I’m ok when I’m not? I know Chas’ family won’t get it, they don’t even care that we lost Jay how can they care that my heart is still broken? I don’t know what to do. I have to live for my boys that are here, but I just want to stop breathing. Breathing hurts too much. This sums up what I feel the best. I posted it online and instead of trying to re-write it, I’m just going to copy it here. I am so over this. I know it has only been 2 weeks and that everything I am going through is normal, but I am so over how I feel. There are so many things coming up in the next few weeks and I just want to be able to be happy and enjoy it but all I can think about is what it was supposed to be. Like on Dec 2nd DH's family is having a Christmas party, I know you guys know the whole story about them and why we didn't tell them. Anyway, I was going to wear this over sized sweater and see how long it took them to notice or if they even noticed. I just keep thinking right now we are supposed to be worried about how they will react and what they will say and instead I'm upset because hardley any of them have called to see how we are doing and then at the party they are either going to be wanting to know how we are doing (the correct answer is "never been better, life is great") and if we are going to try again (correct answer "not a chance, I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow") My MIL is very nice about it and supportive (although she does say the wrong things some times but I can't hold that against her. She is trying) but the rest of them I dread having to be around. I keep thinking about how they (my SILs mostly) made me feel when I had PPD and how I HAVE to be ok and perfect by then or I'm a bad person (heaven forbid I morn my baby, after all it was just a M/C not a stillbirth or anything real. After all Jay wasn't even a baby, just a "fetus" for crying out loud) Then after that DH has his graduation on Dec 12. This is a big deal and I'm so proud of him, but all I keep thinking about is how I had my outfit all planned out and ready to go, now I can't even wear it. I found out today that my MIL is going to take us out to dinner either before or after and I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't know how to face people, much less sit through the graduation and dinner without being a total downer. Next week we are going to my aunt's for Thanksgiving and even though it was my idea (I can't seem to cook a turkey, the dark meat always ends up raw while the rest of the bird is perfect) I just don't want to go anymore. We will be going to her house on Wed and staying until Fri. How in the world can I be "normal" for 3 days?? I can barely get dressed to go meet Bry when he gets out of school without crying so how can I be normal for 3 days?? And yes for all of this I have to be ok. My aunt sees it as Jay wouldn't want me to stop living so life has to go on and my SILs see it as I am a terrible person and a horrible mother if I am not just happy, happy, happy all the time. I just want to get a shirt to wear to the party that says- -Don't ask how I am doing, you can see how I am doing. I am alive and breathing, that is how I am doing. If you do ask be ready for the truth. -Expect tears because I can't stop them. They come at will and I don't care what you think. -Don't ask if we are going to try again unless you want to know the truth. We don't know. I just want my baby back. -Jay was not a "fetus" he was my baby. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and he was perfect. I had to go through labor and delivery to have him. He has a name, use it. Anyone who calls him "a fetus" will end up with a bloody lip and on the floor. -It is not better that he is gone. There was nothing wrong with him, he was healthy and did not have any genetic problems. There is no reason he was ripped away. Anyone who tries to say it's better this way, no matter how it is said will be hurt badly. MY BABY IS DEAD AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK. THERE IS NOTHING "OK" ABOUT IT! IF YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM BACK THEN JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! And if all of this isn't enough, DH can't even kiss me without me going into a panic attack. I want so badly to be close to him right now, I need to be close to him right now because he is the only one IRL that really gets it (as much as a guy can anyway) yet every time I try to be near him I start to cry. I don't know what to do. So many things run through my head when I'm near him- I want a baby, but do I want Jay or just a baby? I want to be pregnant again, but what if I do get pregnant again? There is no reason for what happened to Jay so that means it could happen again and then what? How can I lose another baby? How can I put my boys through this again? Bryson is having such a hard time right now, he doesn't even want to go to school anymore and he used to love school. Every morning he cries about missing DH, but I don't think that has anything to do with it. I think it is just is just what he turns it into so he understands better. I just want to scream! I can't go talk to someone because there is no time and no money for me too. The only place that my insurance will cover takes months to get an appointment with and my insurance is only good until the end of January unless I get pregnant again. But I can't get pregnant unless I can get over my panic attacks. I know there are a few on the board that have lost a baby so how did you guys get to a point of being ok? I feel like my life is on hold because I'm so sad and I really want to be able to enjoy DH's graduation and everything else, but I can't with how I am right now. How do I do this? I know I can handle Thanksgiving and its better then trying to cook it myself and my kids are so excited to be able to go see "nana" It is the only thing keeping Bryson going right now it seems. I have told DH that I reserve the right to on the morning of the party say we are not going because I just can't do it. I have never said we aren't going to see his family, although they think I can say it every year, so I think this one year I have the right to say we just can't go. I just wish I had answers on how to be able to live through this, because I don't feel like I'm living through it, just breathing. Maybe I need to look into getting the stuff to make that shirt. It would for sure make my ILs think I had lost it, but if it would keep them from faking it or smothering me then it would be worth it. This is what a friend of mine who has been through 3 miscarriages posted- Oh Tammy, I am soooo sorry you have to go through this.... I haven't been online lately b/c of school but wanted to check in on the board, and I'm glad I did... you're going to feel bad for a long time, and that's ok. DO NOT pretend to be all happy if you're not - especially if it makes you feel worse. Also, be selfish!!!!! This is your time in life to be as selfish as you want, because your heart is breaking inside. Your heart doesn't just break when the baby passes away, it continues breaking day-after-day, when you see other PG women, when you feel alone and wish you could have everything as it was, when you feel like you're living in your own private hell and no one understands or cares... Tammy the only time I really feel better is when I don't deny my pain, when I talk about my m/c, and when I correct others or let them know how they make me feel... it is liberating! When people ask you how you are, be honest- tell them you're having a really hard time; tell them you feel like someone has stabbed you with a knife, and every time they make comments about Jay or you (like calling him a "fetus" and not by his name, or berating you about having another child, etc.) the knife just cuts deeper and wider. Let people know you want to talk about Jay, and if they feel uncomfortable (because trust me they will).... just keep talking!!!! I talk about my m/c all the time b/c I want people to know this isn't just something that happened 3 months ago, and now it's over. I am living through it everyday like it just happened!!!! And... talking about it makes me feel better! It validates my m/c, and it validates my pain. Be firm about deal-breakers- for example, when other people call Jay anything but Jay, let them know what he is to be called and if they argue with you or refuse, put up a fight or leave (and seriously reconsider ever hanging out w/them again!). When they start asking you about having another child - and you know where they're going with this - don't say what they want to hear - you're not sure... tell them the truth! Say yes, you WILL be TTC again in the future.... and then say "DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS???" - this IS, after all, Tammy... YOUR life, not THEIRS! I'm so sorry about your panic attacks As you know I've been having them too... panic attacks are horrible- you truly feel like the world is ending while they are happening. About your ds- does his school have a grief counselor? Most elementary schools should... see if he can see a counselor at school - that may help! Tammy I was feeling so bad recently and posted on the m/c board in tears... someone posted this poem for me: Nobody Knew You Nobody knew you “Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along." ...existed. Nobody knew you “It’s not as though you lost an actual person." ...were real Nobody knew you “Well, it probably wasn't a viable fetus. It's all for the best." ...were perfect. Nobody knew you “You can always have another!" ...were unique. Nobody knew you “You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!" ...were loved for yourself. Nobody knew you ...but us. And we will always remember ...You. - by Jan Cosby Tammy, this is something else that someone posted for me right after I had my last m/c: (hope it's okay for me to share w/you) What NOT to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage: -Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him. -Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age. -Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. - Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: -Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. -DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. -Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." -Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

November 14, 2007

Today sucks. Last night my stomach cramped up really bad, it hurts more then contractions and just wouldn’t let up. I took almost every kind of pain meds I could and it only made it not hurt if I didn’t move. Same thing today, as long as I’m still it doesn’t hurt. It’s not as bad today as it was yesterday though and for that I am grateful and hopeful that it isn’t something really bad. I don’t know though. Along with the pain my stomach is so sensitive that it hurt to have my clothes on last night, add to that the bleeding had stopped and then started back up again right before the pain started. Of course both of these started when I was thinking about if we should have another baby or just get a tubal. The last time I thought about it I got a headache that was so bad I couldn’t open my eyes. It seems every time I start to think about it, really think about it, I am in pain and not just emotional. Maybe I’m causing the pain myself; like the emotions are so great they are coming out in real pain. I don’t know. Right now Chas and I are thinking we are just going to jump right into it and just let God take over and decide what is best. There are so many things going on right now that thinking just hurts in so many ways. I don’t know if I already said this or not and I’m to lazy to go back and re-read to find out so if I’m repeating I’m sorry. On December 1st we are going to Chas’ family Christmas party. The plan for months has been to just show up and see if anyone said anything and maybe even give sarcastic responses about it. Just be real brats about the whole thing and now we don’t get to do that. We got so tired of all the bad and negative things people say about us expecting a baby that we just didn’t want to deal with it until we had to, I just never thought that “had to” would come because we lost the baby. I’m really sad that I won’t have that moment that I have been think of, even dreading, for so many months. It’s just one more thing that won’t happen. I never realized that so many things would remind me of what we lost, it seems just about everything is a reminder in some way. Ok, the pain is getting worse, time to stop thinking and go lay down.

November 13, 2007

Sorry there is no entry for yesterday. I had the worst headache by the end of the day that is trying to stick around today. Last night Chas and I watched “Knocked Up” It was the saddest movie, ok it wouldn’t have been sad a few weeks ago, but it was all I could do to not cry through it. At the end I lost it and couldn’t help but cry. Every ultrasound picture in the movie hurt, seeing her pregnant hurt, seeing the baby at the end hurt. Ugh. It was the worst pick for a movie, to bad I’m the one that picked it. Bryson is having a hard time with going to school lately. He cries almost every morning about wishing it was summer so he didn’t have to go and he cries about missing Chas too. Alex and Camren are having a hard time too. All of them cry a lot more and fight a lot more. They also are so tired all the time. I’m not sure if that is because they aren’t sleeping very well or if it is something more then that.

November 11, 2007

Phantom kick, cravings, morning sickness, cramps, and so many other things. UGH! All of this started yesterday afternoon and has continued into today. It’s enough that if I didn’t know that it is impossible for me to be pregnant I would be running to the store to buy a test. Really, the morning sickness is like it is at 5 weeks pregnant, the craving are unbearable, and the phantom kicks are torture and just plan mean! I slept until 1 PM today while Chas watched the boys because I just couldn’t get up. Then once I did get up I just wanted to go back to bed. Te boys were on a sugar rush fast moving to a sugar crash so they were crying over everything and just in really bad moods. Today is a bad day for sure. It was even raining today. I guess it fits my mood. Sorry I just don’t have it in me to write more today.

November 10, 2007

So when I "delivered" Jay the doctor ran every test he could to try to find out what had happened. Well because I had to go see him a few days ago I got my test results back and I asked for a copy of them, and I'm so glad I asked for it. He didn't really go over the tests with me just said that all but one came back negative and the one that did come back pos was for antibodies not a current infection so chances are it had nothing to do with what happened. I couldn't remember for the life of me what he said it was even after a few minutes. Well after going over my test result when I got home I found what it was, and last night I was reading/skimming this book I found at the library called "Avoiding Miscarriage" that was put out this year. So as I'm going through the book it has a list of illnesses that will hurt the baby, and the one I tested pos for was one of them. My doctor had told me that having antibodies for it was no big deal because most people have had it at some point in their life, well its called Cytomegalovirus (CMV) and it turns out it's part of the herpes family, which means once you have it you always have it, it just goes dormant and then you can have outbreaks. Oh and it will cause "fetal demise" if passed to the "fetus" (I hate that word) So Chas and I looked it up online and sure enough everything we found on a medical site says the same thing. If you have an outbreak it will kill the baby. So I spent all of last night crying again because not only did we lose Jay, but now I have lost the next baby that I have been dreaming about, the one thing that has made it easier to breath- knowing we could try again and it probably wouldn't happen again. After reading all of that stuff it hit me that I probably got this last year after Christmas when I was so sick for weeks (all my symptoms match and even though I went to the doctor he didn't run any tests just said to try this and see if it works, it didn't work just made life easier) I just kept thinking I can't have another baby that I will probably lose. I have cold sores and canker sores, all of which are a part of the same family, and I hardly ever go for 9 months with out an outbreak so there is no way I won't have one when pregnant, That was it, I could never have another baby. So this morning I wanted to know more and went to Google to see what I could find, and found a link to BabyCenter talking about CMV in pregnancy. Well the BabyCenter article is from over 2 years ago, but it says something very different from the book and medical websites. It says that while you have it forever, you only get an outbreak if you have a weaken immune response to something. It also says that it doesn't cause "fetal death" just hearing problems and mental problems. And to top it off you have next to no chance of passing it to the baby if you have a recurrent CMV infection. I don't know what to believe! Is it safe for me to get pregnant again or not?? Will *I* hurt my baby again on accident?? I just want to scream!!! Ok I have to include this study I found to go over later- Maternal antibodies against cytomegalovirus in pregnancy and the risk of fetal death and low birth weight Authors: Eskild, Anne; Jenum, Pål A.1; Bruu, Anne-Lise1 Source: Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica Scandinavica, Volume 84, Number 11, November 2005 , pp. 1035-1041(7) Abstract: Background. The aim of this study was to assess the impact of maternal cytomegalovirus (CMV) antibody status in pregnancy on the risk of fetal death and of low birth weight. Methods. The study of fetal death risk was a nested case–control study. Cases were all women within a cohort of 35 940 pregnant women in Norway 1992–94, who experienced fetal death after 16th week of gestation (n = 281). Controls were 957 randomly selected women with live born children. Both groups were identified through linkage to the Norwegian Medical Birth Registry. The risk of low birth weight was studied in the live born children Results. Seventy-two percent (203/281) of the cases and 69% (662/957) of the controls had CMV immunoglobulin G (IgG) antibodies in the first trimester (P = 0.3). 0.4% (1/281) of the cases and 0.7% (7/957) had CMV IgM antibodies in the first trimester (P = 0.7). Among 322 initially CMV antibody-negative women, 11% (6/55) of the cases and 9% (24/267) of the controls had occurrence of CMV IgG and/or IgM antibodies (P = 0.7) during pregnancy. Also, after control for maternal age, parity, and follow-up time, no association between CMV antibodies and fetal death was found. CMV antibody status was not associated with low birth weight. Conclusions. This study does not support a causal relation between CMV infection in pregnancy and fetal death or low birth weight. So this isn’t the whole story just the basics of it, the whole story isn’t available, but it is something at least. Here is another one to go over. CMV Tests for You and Your Baby CMV testing during pregnancy Although it is not currently recommended that all pregnant women be routinely tested, a blood test can help you know if you have ever been infected with CMV. This test shows if your body has developed antibodies against CMV by testing for a type of antibody called "IgG antibodies." If you are pregnant and test positive (have CMV IgG antibodies), your chance of passing the virus to your unborn baby is small unless your CMV infection occurred in the past few months. Other CMV tests (IgM or IgG avidity) can help determine whether your infection is recent, but these tests are not perfect and may not be commercially available. If you are pregnant and test negative (have no CMV antibodies), your unborn baby has a high risk of getting CMV if you get infected during pregnancy. For more information about risk of CMV during pregnancy, please visit the CMV and pregnancy page. If you are pregnant and test negative, you should take extra care to use good hygiene (see the CDC Ounce of Prevention site) when you are around young children since they often (10%-40% of the time) have CMV in their urine and saliva. If your doctor determines that you had a new CMV infection during your pregnancy, this does not mean that your unborn baby is infected. In many cases, you can be infected with CMV but it will not spread to your unborn baby. You would need to do more invasive tests, such as amniocentesis, to find out if your unborn baby is infected. In most cases, babies born with CMV would develop normally. For these reasons, routine CMV testing during pregnancy is not recommended. Consult your doctor about CMV testing if you are concerned that you became infected with CMV during your pregnancy. CMV testing if you are planning a pregnancy If you are planning to become pregnant, a CMV blood test can help you know how careful you must be to prevent CMV infection. If you test positive, you will know that there is little chance that your baby will be harmed by CMV. If you test negative, carefully follow the recommendations for preventing CMV infection (www.cdc.gov/ncidod/diseases/cmv/pregnancy.htm) before and during your pregnancy. Either way, it is always a good idea to follow the prevention guidelines because they will also help you avoid other infections. CMV testing of your newborn If you find out that you became infected with CMV for the first time during your pregnancy, you should make sure your baby is tested for CMV as soon as he/she is born. If you are concerned about congenital CMV for any other reason, you should also talk to your doctor about having your baby tested. This will let you know whether you should think about treating your baby for CMV infection. If your baby tests positive, you should also have his or her hearing and vision tested regularly. Most CMV-infected babies grow up with normal health, but if your child has delayed hearing or vision problems, early detection can help his or her development. Date: February 6, 2006 Content source: National Center for Infectious Diseases, Division of Viral and Rickettsial Diseases Again it is something.

November 9, 2007

Something I forgot to mention yesterday was that I went to the library after leaving the doctor’s office. I didn’t mention it because it is such a normal thing for me to do seeing as how the library is on the way home from his new office. I tend to go into a library with little to no idea about what I am looking for. If I have an idea I look for where the books on that will be and just grab whatever looks good to me. If I have no idea I will pick somewhere to start and walk the isles until something catches my eye. It’s just how I am. Well yesterday, just like the day of the ultrasound I was looking for books on miscarriage and pregnancy after a loss. Well all of the books on miscarriage that I had grabbed the day of the ultrasound were useless to me. The all talked about a miscarriage in the first trimester, but not in the second. Even books that said they were about late miscarriage didn’t mention anything before 20 week. So one set of book talked about before 10 weeks and the other was for after 20 weeks. None of them applied to Jay. That is what made me decide to write a book about between 10-20 weeks because there was nothing out there that talked about it. Well the books I grabbed yesterday are of just as much help. One of them is about “avoiding miscarriage” and the other about “pregnancy after a loss” The first one is new, out in 2007, the second one was out in 1999. I have yet to read the first one, but the pregnancy one didn’t help me at all, because it doesn’t mention anything that pertains to me. So far the avoiding one doesn’t seem to be much help either, but I’m trying to be open. Along with these and aside from books that were put on hold before all of this happened I got 3 exercise when pregnant books, 2 cookbooks for pregnancy, 1 about morning sickness and how to prevent it (I figure that will be good for a laugh if nothing else), and 1 about medicine you can and can’t take when pregnant. I also got some books about writing a book, but they have proved after a glance to not be worth too much when it comes to my book, but I’m still going to look over them more. I have to say I thought today would be harder then it is. One week ago we “delivered” Jay and had to say goodbye, no more dreaming the doctor was wrong. Maybe that is because on Tuesday of last week I heard that he was gone so I was able to get ready for what was to come. I guess I’ll never know for sure. Today is another day of second guessing if we should or will have another baby. I really feel like I should just leave it up to God to figure it out, if I make the choice I feel like it won’t matter anyway, not to mention I figured out (thanks to one of the books I got last week) that there are only 2 months over the next year that I could actively try to get pregnant in without it having some kind of reason not to. Chas and I have agreed that if we just leave it up to God the only month that we will actively prevent a pregnancy will be in June because that would put us on the same timeline that Jay was on and I couldn’t live through that, you know? My stomach still hurts from yesterday, and after I got home I took medicine that the doctor gave me at the hospital that just made me so tired. I fell asleep so fast last night. I was trying to read and I could not stay awake for it. Then I was so sound asleep that I almost didn’t hear Skyler crying, I felt so bad about that, but then I fell into a deep sleep again. I vaguely remember dreaming about Jay, although I don’t know what it was about or if I even remember it right. Oh, well. I had a lot of dreams like that when pregnant with him, even though all the dreams like that with my other boys were so clear. I think it might be better that I don’t remember them right now; it probably would just make it hurt more. I’m going to try to go to bed soon, I just wish my stomach would stop hurting…

November 8, 2007

Oh joy. This is going to get gross, so you have been warned. I have been passing these “clots” that look like skin (told you it was going to get gross) I’m sure these are part of the placenta. This morning I had one that was bigger then a dollar coin so I called the doctor on call and he told me I will have to call my doctor after he gets in the office. The on call doctor told me I would have to just take some medicine to “tighten my uterus” but I keep thinking that maybe I’ll have to go back to the hospital for a D&C. If that is the case I will have to go by myself because Chas can’t miss anymore work. We just can’t afford for him to. Ok, now to worry for the next 2 hours until the doctor gets in to find out if I have to go in or if he will just call in a prescription for some medicine. This just never ends. Ok, so I just talked to the doctor and I have to go in. Ugh. He asked if I had kept “it” and I told him no, I really thought about it but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go in and I didn’t just want it sitting around so the cats could get to it. Yuck. Anyway, as soon as Chas gets back from taking Bryson to school and going to the store I will be off. I so hope I don’t need a D&C, I have no idea how I will be able to get in for it, not to mention I will have to go by myself seeing as how Chas has to work tonight and tomorrow. I have to be home from the doctor by 2 PM as it is so he can go to this meeting for work. Life just keeps getting better and better. The only thing that keeps me positive right now is that I had an epidural for the delivery so the doctor was able to “reach” into my uterus and feel if anything was there and he is very sure that there was nothing left so who knows what this is. Hopefully I can just take some pill and be good to go. Oh please God don’t make me have to go through anything else, this is hard enough…. Ok so I’m back from the doctor. And he tortured me. I had to put my feet in the stirrups and he used the speculum to check to make sure everything was ok. Alright so it went more like this. He put the speculum inside me and instead of opening it so a baby elephant could fit through it he made it big enough so a adult elephant could fit through. After many ouches and that hurts he made it back down to baby elephant size. From there he pushes it around and stabs me with it. Then he stands up, leaving the jaws of death in me, to look around for some stuff. He grabs a q-tip that is made for a giant and what I think was iodine. No kidding on the q-tip, if you grab 10-20 normal sized q-tips and hold them together that is how big this one was. Now I have no idea what he did to me, but I’m sure the q-tip had a good tip and probably owes me some money for it. Then he asks if I want him to try to fish anything out of my cervix. “No, the less I have to be put through the better” I know that is what I said to him, but it must have gotten lost in translation because he did it anyway. He grabbed what looks like a giants pair of scissors, only they had grabbers on the end instead of cutters and he stabs me with them and scraps me with them before telling me that my cervix is very closed so he thinks it must have just been some membrane that came out this morning. He then pulls the jaws of death out of me and I’m thinking ‘finally’ I go to sit up and he tells me to stay there *sob sob* He puts the jelly on his finger to check my cervix that way and he pushes on my stomach to make sure everything feels ok. I almost screamed it hurt so bad “A little tender?” he asked me. “yea, that more then a little tender. It’s more like a lot tender” And after he’s done and I can sit up it still hurts. So he tells me it probably was just some membrane and it has left me sore, but the nurse will check to make sure I don’t have a fever just to make sure it’s not an infection. Well my temp was something like 99.5 F so nothing to worry about. The good news from all of this is that I don’t have to go back next week, and all my test results came back normal so what happened was probably just something with the cord or the placenta, but we will never know. Oh and he told me to just wait for my period to come back and then we can start trying to get pregnant again, so that was good to know too.

November 7, 2007

Chas and I have spent a lot of time talking about if we are going to have another baby or not. We have pretty much decided we will, it’s just a matter of when. Today I’m wondering if that is a good idea. The boys are just being terrible. I know a lot of it is the candy from Halloween, but they aren’t eating enough to get a sugar rush as far as I know. But then again what do I know anymore? Bryson had parent/teacher conferences today and I forgot about it. I saw a post online about them and it hit me that Bryson’s was soon. I asked him and he told me it was today, and when I found the paper I found out that it was in 30 minutes. I had just enough time to run out the door and get there, great. Luckily Bryson had just got home from school so everyone was pretty ready to go; they just had to put on shoes. And Skyler was in his pajamas, but at 1 year old he can pull it off. I wish I could, but oh well. So we get there in time and find out that the teacher is behind a little. Ok, that just gave me some time to breathe and Bryson and Alex a chance to go to the bathroom. The teacher came out and asked why I had to bring all the boys, told me we could have rescheduled, so on and so on. I told her the truth I had completely forgot about it and just made it. After talking about Bryson, she started to ask how I was doing and we talked for a little while. It turns out she understands. She and her husband are trying to have a baby and she had a miscarriage a few months ago. It feels good to know that someone else “gets it” even if they weren’t as far along as I was when it happened. She also told me to not worry about coming back in to help, just to come back when I was ready. I know that Bryson really wants me to just go back tomorrow, but I’m just not ready yet. Too much is happening for me to be able to do that just yet. I figure I’ll go back after Thanksgiving. That gives me three weeks to be ok enough to go back.

November 6, 2007

‘One week’ I have to get up, but I don’t want to. ‘One week sense life stopped’ I pull myself out of bed. Bryson has to go to school, life has to keep going. I have been trying to be a part of life, I have been trying to be ok for my boys, but now I can’t take it anymore. My baby is gone, I don’t want to keep moving forward, I just don’t. I move to the couch and can’t stay awake. I’m so sad and I don’t want to be awake. It doesn’t hurt when I’m asleep, why can’t I just go back to bed? Chas takes Bryson to school and I sit on the couch with Cam and Alex. Sky is in his playpen and we all are just watching TV. I feel so bad because I can’t stay awake, but I just can’t. Chas comes back from taking Bryson to school and starts to get ready for work. He has to leave really soon and I don’t want him to go. I want to be able to just stay sleeping and not have to face today. ‘One week’ keeps running through my head. How can I go on? But I have to, my boys need me to. As Chas leaves for work I find the strength to be awake, and the day just keeps getting worse. I try to pick up Skyler to get him a clean diaper, but the minute he is in my arms I feel like my chest is going to explode. I know that feeling all to well, my milk has come in and now I just have to deal with the pain until it dries up. Yea, one more thing to remind me that my baby is dead. As the day goes on I try to read the books I got from the library a week ago. None of them talk about losing a baby in the second trimester like I did. I know that so many woman have been through this too, I have met them online, so why is it that even though these books say they talk about it, they don’t? I read the stories and read about trying again after a loss but I skip the rest of it because it doesn’t apply to me. Ok, so the doctors told me that there is no information on this, but can’t they at least put a story in these books from parents who have been where I am? I decide that I should write about what has happened to us and try to put it out there, but I’m not sure when I will be able to do it. I go to read a my friends story online, she lost her baby at about the same time along that I lost Jay so I figure it will be good for me to read about it. After reading her story, I know that I have to write mine. But it’s not really my story; it’s a story about Jay. I start to write it, starting with day 1-the ultrasound. I have no idea where the story will go or how it will end, but at least it will be there and it will be told. Maybe it will make it so no one will forget Jay, I have no idea. Later after Chas gets home from work and the boys are in bed, we start to talk again. I tell him about the book I’m going to write; even if it never makes it into a book at least it is there. He thinks it’s a great idea too and we decide to call it Jay’s Story. As we are getting into bed I just can’t stop crying. Why my baby? He was perfect, he wasn’t sick or anything. If that was the case it would be easier, but there was nothing wrong with him. God just took him for no reason. None. And I’m supposed to be over it and life goes on. People are going to forget Jay and I don’t want that. I don’t want Chas and I to be the only ones who remember Jay. If we do have another baby, it feels like we will be forgetting Jay and it will make everyone else forget Jay too. I know more then ever that I have to write Jay’s Story, I just have to. It has to be told and I have a hard time falling asleep because I’m thinking about all of the things that I need to remember to write in. I don’t want to forget anything. From this day on I will write in Jay’s Story and make sure the story gets told. No matter how gross it is, no matter how terrible I sound. The truth needs to be told. People need to know that they are not alone. Hopefully Jay’s Story will be book some day, but at least it will get put on the net for everyone to read, so people know they are not alone. Some day it will make it, for now I have to get caught up as well as write every day as it comes.

November 3, 2007

Today Chas had to go to school and work so he won’t be home hardly at all. Life goes on, but I don’t want it too. My baby is gone, it is real and nothing will change that. I don’t want life to go on, but my boys need me so go on it must.

November 2, 2007

I woke up at about 4 AM and just couldn’t sleep anymore. I lay in my bed and just cried. Why me and why Jay? It just didn’t make any sense. The one thing I didn’t think I could handle happened, my baby was dead. After a while Chas woke up and came to sit with me for a little bit, then he tried to get me to get some more sleep, which I was able to after a little bit. A nurse came in and after checking me said that she could feel parts and wasn’t sure if the baby was still whole because it had been so long. I couldn’t stop crying. I just wanted to go home. I had been plagued by dreams all night about losing my other boys too, but now this? I just wanted to stop all of it and go home. Jay could stay right were he/she was and I could go be with my boys. Too bad no one else thought this was a great idea. A new nurse took over and she wasn’t as nice as the ones I had had before. She told me that she was sure Jay was still in one piece and that we could get foot prints and hand prints and even hold him/her. That made me feel better, although I couldn’t stop thinking that I wouldn’t get to hold him/her. At 10:05 AM my doctor came in to check me and Jay was already out. All the doctor had to do was pull Jay the rest of the way out and with him came the placenta and everything. My doctor reached inside me to make sure that everything had come out and really looked hard at Jay and the placenta to make sure everything was there. Chas wouldn’t let me look at Jay; he said it was too bad for me to look. It would only hurt me more, so like we had agreed I trusted him and didn’t look. They left Jay wrapped in blankets sitting by the sink in my room for what felt like forever. When they did take him the said the would get his hand and footprints and we gave them our camera to take some pictures of his feet and hands. They brought back the card with his hand and foot prints and wanted to make sure they knew just what kind of pictures we wanted. A few minutes later they came back to show us the pictures they had and make sure they were ok. They took pictures of Jay holding their hand so you could see just how small his hands are. There are just perfect. I don’t remember much from the moment Jay was “born” or the moments after. I don’t remember much other then just wanting to get out of there. I had to stay long enough to talk to a doctor that was doing a study on why this happens, to find out if Jay could be put in the study. Chas and I both said we wanted Jay in it, maybe he could help save another baby. So I had to give 2 more viles of blood and Chas had to give 2 viles too. He was not happy about that, but as I told him it made 8 viles from me, he could give 2. I had to get my RH shot too and I forgot how much those things hurt. At some point I heard Chas talking to his mom on the phone about how it was over. It was so loud that I could hear her a little bit and every time they called Jay a “fetus” it was all I could do to not scream. I hate that word, he was my baby no matter what some stupid doctor says he should be called. My brother came to pick us up and what I thought would take a few seconds took a lot longer so he wasn’t too happy about sitting out there waiting for us when he thought we would be waiting for him. So Chas and I grabbed our stuff and went to the front desk to grab what they had for us. They had a little box to remember Jay. It had a little tiny hat in it, a heart pillow, and a tiny baby blanket. They had also given us a book and a tiny ring that was baby sized that I could wear or keep in the box. It was all so sweet. As we were at the front desk a woman was wheeled out of her room right by the desk and they played the lullaby that they do for her baby. Well that hit me hard, Jay would never have that played for him. I started to cry and of course everyone asked if I was ok. Yea I was until that moment. I was so happy they let me stay in the labor and delivery and didn’t move me over to post partum where all the babies are. The last thing I needed was to have to hear them crying, knowing Jay would never cry. We went and picked the boys up and came home. I was so tired, but life has to go on and so it does.

November 1, 2007

Again I woke up and it took me a minute to remember. Once it hit me, I just couldn’t imagine waiting until almost 2 PM to see my doctor. I started calling the doctor’s office to see if I could come in earlier. It was so hard to make the phone call and make sure they could understand me. Sure enough they told me they would fit me in as soon as I could get there, but I had to be there by 11 AM because they went to lunch then. I left as soon as I got off the phone to catch the train. I got off the train and thought for sure I had missed the bus and would have to wait, nope the bus pulled up to the stop when I was across the street. I thought for sure ti would just pull away, but it sat for a few minutes. When there was a break in traffic Iran across the street to try to catch it and the driver pulled away just as I got to the back of the bus. I was screaming at him to wait, but he didn’t care. Go figure. I just want to get this over with and now I have to sit here for 30 minutes for the next bus. Why can’t I just get this over with? I’m sure everyone at the stop thought I had lost my mind because I was crying over missing the bus, but little did they know just how bad life really was. The next bus that came had to load a wheelchair and the driver took forever to figure out how to do it. He took so long that the other bus that comes after him came and left and we were still sitting there with him trying to hook this wheelchair in. I finally made it to the doctor and it hurt so much to check in and then to sit in the waiting room with pregnant woman around me, some of them were going back for ultrasounds and here I was with a dead baby inside me. It was the worst torture. I finally got to go back to the exam room and was told that the doctor would want to check to see if I was dilating or anything. So he comes in and tells me that this is so rare he sees it maybe once a year. Great, lucky me. From there he checks me and tells me to get dressed and meet him in his office. So I get dressed and go to his office were we talk about what happens now. He had already told me that he recommended labor and delivery because a D&C/D&E were complicated. So he called over to the hospital and set up a meeting with the high risk doctor for when they went to lunch in a few minutes to find out what tests to do. He offered to just send me over to the hospital right then and there, but I told him I had to get my kids to the babysitter first, but that I could be back between 5-7 PM. I left there and started calling people. I called my aunt and she got ready to leave work and said she would stop by the store to get food for the boys while they were there. I called Chas so he could call work and let them know what was happening and that he wouldn’t be there tonight or tomorrow. I got on the bus, and then the train. From there I went straight to Bryson’s school and pulled him out for the day. He was so upset, but there was nothing I could do. I tried to get the doctor to agree to doing it tomorrow, but he couldn’t because it meant that he wouldn’t be there for the delivery and he wanted to be the one to take care of me. It took forever to get out of the house after Bryson and I got there. My mom called and I just couldn’t get her off the phone. Ok I wasn’t sure UI really wanted to get off the phone because the longer it took to get to the hospital they longer I could be in denial. Well we were on the way my doctor called on my cell phone to find out what time I would be to the hospital and I told him it looked like we would be there about 6 PM. We got up to my aunt’s and got the boys settled and left right away to get this over with. On the way Chas and I agreed that he would see Jay before I could so if Jay looked to bad he could tell me not to look and I would trust him. We got to the hospital and had to go to the labor and delivery floor which means telling them why I am there so I can get in. I told them I guess it would be called an induction, that’s the same thing I told them at the desk to check in. Thankfully they took me right to a room and didn’t make me wait. The nurse was so nice. She took 3 viles of blood from the IV before hooking it up. Later they came back and told me that they actually had to take more blood because of all the tests my doctor had ordered. Fine with me, I want to know as much as I can. So they took 3 more viles of blood. They gave me a pill that is for ulcers to induce labor. I had to sign paper saying I was ok with it because it is not approved by the FDA for during pregnancy because it induces labor. Of course there monitor didn’t register the contractions, they never do and soon I started bleeding. The nurse checked my cervix and said it was hard to tell how far I was dilated because the bag of water was hanging out. Kind of like if you pushed a water balloon through a circle. It stayed that way until my water broke the next morning. All of the nurses were so nice and so worried about me. They all really tried to make sure I was ok and do anything and everything we needed them to. My doctor came in and really pushed for me to get an epidural because as he said there were no extra points for pain especially with what I was going through. So I got an epidural at about midnight and it made it so I could get a little bit of sleep.

October 31, 2007

In the first moments of being awake everything was great. My hand was on my stomach, or maybe it was Chas’ and I smiled inside about it. Then it hit me, hard. ‘My baby is dead!’ I was reliving the moment all over again. It was Halloween and our anniversary, but our baby was dead. How was I going to go through the day? I cried and cried all morning. I didn’t want to get up, but I had to. Bryson had to go to school, Alex, Camren, and Skyler needed to be in their costumes like we promised. We had to get going. The boys asked why Chas and I weren’t getting into our costumes and I told them it just hurt too much. I was going to be a pumpkin, and I tried to put it on, but it just made me think of Jay even more. Bryson was very upset about it so Chas told him that the reason it hurt to much was because I was going to be a Jack-o-lantern and Jay was the light inside, but the light had gone out. Once again I started to cry and Chas quickly tried to tell me he was sorry, but I cut him off. He was right, it fit very well. Bryson was a few minutes late to school because we had stopped to print up an e-mail that we had sent out the night before that told everyone what had happened. I gave one to Bryson’s teacher when we walked him to his class before going to the lunchroom to sit and wait for the parade to start. I just felt numb. I was here, but I wasn’t. I had to get through the day, I just had to. My aunt came and gave the boys trick-or-treat bags full of candy. She also gave me a teddy bear that looked like a scarecrow. It became my life line through the days ahead. Pretty soon the parade started and we watched for Bryson well talking about the costumes. I honestly didn’t really see any of them that my aunt and Chas were talking about. I just agreed because life was supposed to go on. I had my moment to cry right after hearing about it, now life went on. Heaven forbid I still be upset 24 hours after hearing that my baby was dead, after all it was “just a miscarriage” it’s not like I lost a “real baby” After the parade, I said goodbye to Chas, the boys, and my aunt and made my way to Bryson’s class. I knew it meant so much to him for me to be there, so I had to make it. I got the book from him that I was going to read, and his teacher gave me a hug, asked how I was doing and said she couldn’t believe I was even there. I told her I had to be there, it meant so much to Bryson and it was better then just sitting at home. She kept asking if I was ok, which just made it worse. I finally told her that I was ok, really. She made a comment about not asking anymore so I could stop thinking about it and I told her that was exactly it. I sat down where she told me to and I read books to the kids. I had moments where I just had to stop and breathe because it hurt so much, but I made it through without any tears. After the party was over I told Bryson that I was going to leave, and he didn’t want me to go. He started to cry a little and I told him that if he needed to come home to just call and someone would come and get him. The class went out to recess and I stayed for some reason to talk/listen to the other parents talking. I really wanted to just get out of there, but for some reason I just couldn’t go. Not yet. A few moments after the class went out to recess, Bryson and one of his friends came back in. Bryson was crying so hard he just couldn’t stay. We got his stuff and we came home. We walked to the office to check him out and when asked if he was sick I wasn’t sure what to say that wouldn’t make me cry. “We have a family crisis right now” was what I said, it fit I guess and it was the first thing I thought of. As we walked home Bryson started to feel better, but I didn’t. All I could think of was how long the day was going to be and how was I going to make it. When we got home the other boys had already had some candy, so Bryson got to have some. We were going to watch Halloween movies all day, drink “bug juice” and just have so much fun. Now it was so different. The boys wanted to play video games and Chas and I didn’t have it in us to say no. I fell asleep on the couch while they played and Chas was on the computer. It was nothing like it was supposed to be. I felt so bad because life was supposed to go on, yet it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t the same and I couldn’t let anyone know it. By the time we could go trick-or-treating things had really fallen apart for me. I just couldn’t do this. I wanted to just climb into bed and not get up, let alone go and face the world again. I tried to come up with a costume other then the ones I had but I couldn’t so I put on my pirate costume that hugged my body and showed off my “baby bump” minus the baby. It hurt so much. I just kept praying that no one would ask about the baby. Somehow we made it through trick-or-treating, although we didn’t do as much as Chas wanted or the boys wanted for that matter. I just couldn’t be ok long enough though and it was cold. When we got home I kept it together long enough for the boys to go to bed, then it was back to crying again. We talked about what Chas had said that morning, about Jay being the light in the jack-o-lantern. We decided that every year we would put a candle in a pumpkin just for Jay. But why wait that long? We are going to get a candle holder for a candle just for Jay, one that has pumpkins on it, and in the spring when we plant the pumpkin patch we had planned on, we will call it “Jay’s Pumpkin Patch.” Just like the night before I kept thinking I was feeling Jay move and it made it hurt so much more. Tomorrow I would see my doctor and find out what happened next, but for now I had to try to sleep. We never said “Happy Anniversary” probably because there was nothing to be happy about.

October 30, 2007

‘I had felt the baby move’ that was all I could think as I walked to the train. ‘Everything is just fine I felt him move last night’ But I still couldn’t stop thinking about it on the train ride that seemed to take 10 times longer than ever before. As I sat waiting for the bus, I pulled out a notebook that I had grabbed the night before. All I could write was “healthy baby healthy baby healthy baby’ over and over again. It just couldn’t be true, it couldn’t. I was just over reacting and letting my imagination run wild. I always had cramps, and maybe I wasn’t spotting after all. It was so faint I was probably seeing things, that just had to be it. I had spent the whole pregnancy thinking that something was going to happen, how could I have 5 healthy pregnancies and babies? I was thinking about my last appointment as I put the notebook away in my bag. I had heard a strong heartbeat, it had been there. Sure the doctor had a hard time finding it, but it was there. So why was it that in the moments he couldn’t find it I just knew it was the end, the baby was gone? But then he found the heartbeat and it didn’t make me feel any better. I still felt like my baby was dying. Now here I was, going to my ultrasound. I had started cramping on Saturday night, but I always get cramps and stuff, they just stop fast and these hadn’t. I called and talked to a doctor the day before and he told me it was probably nothing, maybe something with the placenta, but nothing to worry about unless I started to really bleed. My thoughts were still racing when I got off the bus at the doctors office. I check in and sat down to wait for them to call me back for my ultrasound. As I waited, there was a woman there who was upset because they had scheduled her ultrasound for the wrong day, but they were going to fit her in. Of course they put her in in front of me. I sat there sipping my water and trying to read some story in some magazine to pass the time. I don’t remember any of it other than just wishing time would go faster. ‘I felt the baby last night, didn’t I? It has to have been the baby; it just has to have been!’ Finally they called my name, I told the doctor who does the ultrasounds about what had been going on and how the doctor I talked to said that it was probably the placenta so we should check it really good. As I lay down on the table, I gave him the video tape to record the U/S like I had promised the kids. They really wanted to go but I was so afraid of hearing something bad and I didn’t want them there for that. The minute the wand was on my stomach I knew something wasn’t right. Jay wasn’t moving, and I couldn’t see the heartbeat. The tech was checking the head as well as looking for the heartbeat. He made a comment about finding it for me and I said something back about wanting to see it, maybe that I couldn’t see it. After a pause he tells me what I already knew was coming. There was no heartbeat. Jay was gone. He told me that the head is swollen, which says that it has been awhile. I’m trying to lay still while he measures the head, stomach, and legs, but inside I’m screaming and I want nothing more than to just curl into a ball. The head measures at 15 weeks, the stomach at 17 weeks, and the legs at 16 weeks 5 days. He told me the legs are the most accurate so I listened very closely to what he said they were. 16 weeks 5 days, the same day I heard the heartbeat and just knew my baby was dying. I had played it off as fear and nothing more, but I was right. The tech asked if I wanted anything on the tape, I told him no but I would like some pictures. In my head I’m screaming that I need pictures, but even more I need to wake up. ‘This has to be a dream, I’m going to wake up at any moment now and I will be in my bed and it will be time to come to the ultrasound’ The tech gives me some pictures and directs me to the bathroom so I can “empty my bladder and compose myself” He says he will let the lady at the front desk know to call my doctor to see if I can talk to him. In the bathroom I text my aunt and Chas “Jay is gone” My phone starts to ring, my aunt is calling, but I can’t answer it. I walk to the front desk and tell them that they are supposed to call my doctor and everything changes. The smile goes away and they treat me different. The send me to my doctor’s office to wait while they try to reach him. My phone rings a few more times, text messages from Chas and my aunt. I can’t bring myself to call them or text back. ‘My baby is dead. My baby’ is all I can think. I sit for what seems like forever. A nurse asks if they are trying to reach my doctor, the lady from the desk keeps checking on me, then comes to sit with me. My doctor is on vacation and can’t be reached, but I can talk to one that he works, with she tells me. He tells me he’s sorry, I ask what happens now. He tells me that hopefully I will just “pass the baby” on my own because the surgery that they do causes the mother “lots of trauma and stress” I keep asking questions, but he won’t answer any of them, or else he gives me vague answers that just scare me more. The lady from the desk wants to give me a ride home after I tell her that I rode the bus, but I just can’t be there any longer. I have to leave, now. I head out to the bus stop, but just can’t wait and then ride a bus, so I start to walk. So many things run through my head, I just want to turn time back to when I heard Jay and he was ok. I’m walking past people with tears running down my face, but no one even gives me a second look. They don’t have time for me. I’m asking God why, why my baby? Why anyone’s baby? How could He let this happen? After a while I call Chas, I’m sure he’s worried about me. I tell him that I’m walking; I just couldn’t wait for a bus. We keep talking and I tell him everything I’m thinking. I am so alone right then; I just need to hear his voice. I had called him so many times on the way to the ultrasound telling him that I just wanted to go home, that I wished he could be with me, but that the kids just couldn’t go with. Now I wish more then ever that he was there or that I had just turned around and gone home instead of going. I need him more than ever and he is far away. While we are talking a call comes in at home from my aunt wanting to know if he has heard from me and if I’m ok. I tell Chas that I’m heading to my aunt’s work and that I’m almost there. We hang up as I get to just across the street from the building. I go in and call her to let her know I’m downstairs. So far I have the tears under control, but the minute I see her I lose it. “Come here baby” Is all I hear her say to me. I feel like my legs can’t hold me up, I don’t want them too. I want to be a pile on the floor, I want to scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum like my boys do. After a few moments we sit down in the chairs behind me and I show her the pictures of Jay. She keeps telling me that something was wrong with him and after looking at one of the pictures she tells me that he had too much spine and that I couldn’t handle that. I don’t say anything but in my head I’m screaming ‘There is nothing wrong with him! He was perfect! It only looks like that in the picture because the tech took it so fast; he didn’t look like that on the screen! He was my baby; I could have taken care of him! I would have given him the best!!’ Then she tells me that God has a reason, and that maybe this was God’s way of saying “Tammy, no more babies” Again I’m screaming. How dare she tell me that I lost my baby because I wasn’t supposed to have anymore? If God didn’t want me to have anymore then why did he give me Jay when I wasn’t even sure I wanted another one? Why would He hurt me like this? I couldn’t believe it. I know she meant well, I know everyone thinks I’m insane because we have 5 kids already, why would we ever have another one, but really!! If I wasn’t supposed to have a baby I just wouldn’t be able to get pregnant! I wanted out of there, I had to go. I just couldn’t sit there anymore. I left to walk to the library; I figured I would find a book that could help me. But no, they only have books about miscarriage in the first trimester or having a stillborn in the 3rd trimester. Even ones that say the deal with “late miscarriage” only talk about stillborn or babies lost at birth. There was nothing at all. I headed to the train, I had to go home. My boys needed me and my step-daughter, Clowie, would be leaving soon and we had to tell her before she left. I sat down to wait for the train and pulled out my phone. I sent my younger brother, Shawn, a text message “Had ultrasound 2day. I lost the baby” I don’t remember how I got home. It is all a blur. I called Chas several times as I traveled and we talked which made it easier. I called as I was almost home and he met me outside. I fell into his arms, I just didn’t want him to let me go, but the kids were screaming for him, they didn’t know why he told them to stay inside while he went out. We both went back in and we sat on the couch with them and told them that Jay had been to sick and had died. It took them awhile to understand. They thought that it was my fault, after all I was supposed to take care of Jay, the doctor had told me over the weekend to take it easy, and so I must not have been careful enough. I told them that Jay was already gone by the time the doctor had told me that, so it was already too late. The kids kept talking, and most of it I don’t remember. Bryson said that God would just have to put another baby in my tummy soon and I told him that I wasn’t sure if we would let God put another baby in my tummy. Clowie kept going on and on about when her sister was in her mom’s tummy and it just hurt so much. It took everything I had to not scream at her for it, but I knew it wasn’t her fault, she just didn’t understand. I finally had to ask Chas to just make them stop and leave me alone. He had called into work and told them he couldn’t come and why so he was staying home that night and then he had the next day off for Halloween and our anniversary. I had mentioned to my Aunt that tomorrow was Halloween and our anniversary and that it was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to help at Bryson’s school and we were going to have a party. It was going to be so much fun. She told me that it was still going to be fun, because just because Jay was gone didn’t mean I “stopped living” I would still go help at the school, Halloween would still be fun. Yes, I had to grieve and morn, but I couldn’t stop doing all of that stuff. All I could think about though was that from now on Halloween and our anniversary would always be “the day after” At some point that night I got a call from my mom, I couldn’t stop the tears, my heart was so broken. “Mommy, I want my baby back!” I sobbed into the phone. It was all I could think to say to her, it was the truth. We talked for a while about a lot of things, and she scared me even more about what was going to happen to me to get Jay out. She told me how she had a friend that had been through this and it was going to be terrible. Chas got on the computer and tried to look up what was going to happen, but even then we couldn’t find anything. We ended up doing a search for a D&C/D&E because I had heard about it online on a board I go to. I had been telling everyone that if the doctor expected me to go through labor and delivery they could think again, there was no way I could do that, but after reading what would happen to Jay if I had a D&C/D&E I knew that I would have to go through labor and delivery. That night I cried and cried. I remembered that I had asked God to make me miscarry. I had begged for it. Now I was living it. Every time I lay down I thought I felt Jay move, I was so sure of it, yet it couldn’t be. He was long gone. It just made it hurt more knowing that it wasn’t real yet I was feeling it anyway. I kept getting up and walking around or getting on the computer. I didn’t want to live, it hurt too much. But my boys needed me; there was no easy way out. I had to live it because my boys needed me. I finally fell asleep, but I don’t know how I did.