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Friday, April 4, 2008

November 15, 2007

I think Chas is mad at me. Yesterday, well for a few days, I have wanted to be close and he really wants to be close, but the minute he kisses me I just pull away because it hurts to much. What if I get pregnant? I want to be pregnant, but what if it happens? What if we lose another baby? Does being pregnant again mean that I have to move on and “forget” Jay? Being pregnant will make everyone else forget Jay even faster because they will think I’m over it. How do you get over it? I know a lot of people are thinking that it was “just a miscarriage not a stillborn” so I should just move on and get over it. I can’t do that. My heart hurts so badly right now, I just want my baby. I want to be able to hold him or even better to have him kicking me knowing that he is still growing inside me where he should be. A few days ago we found out that Chas’ family will be having a Christmas party and the plan had been to tell them at the party about Jay. Now that won’t happen. I had already figured out what I would wear, it’s this really big sweater that would hide my stomach really well. That way we could just wait and see if anyone noticed or not. Now I don’t have that. Another thing that is coming up is Chas’, graduation. I had that outfit all figured out too. It’s his jacket that I never got to wear with Skyler. It would have been so perfect but now that is gone too. So many times are coming that should be happy and I just feel so sad. I don’t know what to do or how to be ok. Next week we are going to spend Thanksgiving with my aunt and then the week after that is the Christmas party. I don’t know how to be happy and everything when I don’t feel it. I have to be ok, but I don’t know how to be. No one will understand. No one. How do I do this? How do I make everyone think I’m ok when I’m not? I know Chas’ family won’t get it, they don’t even care that we lost Jay how can they care that my heart is still broken? I don’t know what to do. I have to live for my boys that are here, but I just want to stop breathing. Breathing hurts too much. This sums up what I feel the best. I posted it online and instead of trying to re-write it, I’m just going to copy it here. I am so over this. I know it has only been 2 weeks and that everything I am going through is normal, but I am so over how I feel. There are so many things coming up in the next few weeks and I just want to be able to be happy and enjoy it but all I can think about is what it was supposed to be. Like on Dec 2nd DH's family is having a Christmas party, I know you guys know the whole story about them and why we didn't tell them. Anyway, I was going to wear this over sized sweater and see how long it took them to notice or if they even noticed. I just keep thinking right now we are supposed to be worried about how they will react and what they will say and instead I'm upset because hardley any of them have called to see how we are doing and then at the party they are either going to be wanting to know how we are doing (the correct answer is "never been better, life is great") and if we are going to try again (correct answer "not a chance, I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow") My MIL is very nice about it and supportive (although she does say the wrong things some times but I can't hold that against her. She is trying) but the rest of them I dread having to be around. I keep thinking about how they (my SILs mostly) made me feel when I had PPD and how I HAVE to be ok and perfect by then or I'm a bad person (heaven forbid I morn my baby, after all it was just a M/C not a stillbirth or anything real. After all Jay wasn't even a baby, just a "fetus" for crying out loud) Then after that DH has his graduation on Dec 12. This is a big deal and I'm so proud of him, but all I keep thinking about is how I had my outfit all planned out and ready to go, now I can't even wear it. I found out today that my MIL is going to take us out to dinner either before or after and I just want to crawl into a hole. I don't know how to face people, much less sit through the graduation and dinner without being a total downer. Next week we are going to my aunt's for Thanksgiving and even though it was my idea (I can't seem to cook a turkey, the dark meat always ends up raw while the rest of the bird is perfect) I just don't want to go anymore. We will be going to her house on Wed and staying until Fri. How in the world can I be "normal" for 3 days?? I can barely get dressed to go meet Bry when he gets out of school without crying so how can I be normal for 3 days?? And yes for all of this I have to be ok. My aunt sees it as Jay wouldn't want me to stop living so life has to go on and my SILs see it as I am a terrible person and a horrible mother if I am not just happy, happy, happy all the time. I just want to get a shirt to wear to the party that says- -Don't ask how I am doing, you can see how I am doing. I am alive and breathing, that is how I am doing. If you do ask be ready for the truth. -Expect tears because I can't stop them. They come at will and I don't care what you think. -Don't ask if we are going to try again unless you want to know the truth. We don't know. I just want my baby back. -Jay was not a "fetus" he was my baby. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes and he was perfect. I had to go through labor and delivery to have him. He has a name, use it. Anyone who calls him "a fetus" will end up with a bloody lip and on the floor. -It is not better that he is gone. There was nothing wrong with him, he was healthy and did not have any genetic problems. There is no reason he was ripped away. Anyone who tries to say it's better this way, no matter how it is said will be hurt badly. MY BABY IS DEAD AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK. THERE IS NOTHING "OK" ABOUT IT! IF YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM BACK THEN JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! And if all of this isn't enough, DH can't even kiss me without me going into a panic attack. I want so badly to be close to him right now, I need to be close to him right now because he is the only one IRL that really gets it (as much as a guy can anyway) yet every time I try to be near him I start to cry. I don't know what to do. So many things run through my head when I'm near him- I want a baby, but do I want Jay or just a baby? I want to be pregnant again, but what if I do get pregnant again? There is no reason for what happened to Jay so that means it could happen again and then what? How can I lose another baby? How can I put my boys through this again? Bryson is having such a hard time right now, he doesn't even want to go to school anymore and he used to love school. Every morning he cries about missing DH, but I don't think that has anything to do with it. I think it is just is just what he turns it into so he understands better. I just want to scream! I can't go talk to someone because there is no time and no money for me too. The only place that my insurance will cover takes months to get an appointment with and my insurance is only good until the end of January unless I get pregnant again. But I can't get pregnant unless I can get over my panic attacks. I know there are a few on the board that have lost a baby so how did you guys get to a point of being ok? I feel like my life is on hold because I'm so sad and I really want to be able to enjoy DH's graduation and everything else, but I can't with how I am right now. How do I do this? I know I can handle Thanksgiving and its better then trying to cook it myself and my kids are so excited to be able to go see "nana" It is the only thing keeping Bryson going right now it seems. I have told DH that I reserve the right to on the morning of the party say we are not going because I just can't do it. I have never said we aren't going to see his family, although they think I can say it every year, so I think this one year I have the right to say we just can't go. I just wish I had answers on how to be able to live through this, because I don't feel like I'm living through it, just breathing. Maybe I need to look into getting the stuff to make that shirt. It would for sure make my ILs think I had lost it, but if it would keep them from faking it or smothering me then it would be worth it. This is what a friend of mine who has been through 3 miscarriages posted- Oh Tammy, I am soooo sorry you have to go through this.... I haven't been online lately b/c of school but wanted to check in on the board, and I'm glad I did... you're going to feel bad for a long time, and that's ok. DO NOT pretend to be all happy if you're not - especially if it makes you feel worse. Also, be selfish!!!!! This is your time in life to be as selfish as you want, because your heart is breaking inside. Your heart doesn't just break when the baby passes away, it continues breaking day-after-day, when you see other PG women, when you feel alone and wish you could have everything as it was, when you feel like you're living in your own private hell and no one understands or cares... Tammy the only time I really feel better is when I don't deny my pain, when I talk about my m/c, and when I correct others or let them know how they make me feel... it is liberating! When people ask you how you are, be honest- tell them you're having a really hard time; tell them you feel like someone has stabbed you with a knife, and every time they make comments about Jay or you (like calling him a "fetus" and not by his name, or berating you about having another child, etc.) the knife just cuts deeper and wider. Let people know you want to talk about Jay, and if they feel uncomfortable (because trust me they will).... just keep talking!!!! I talk about my m/c all the time b/c I want people to know this isn't just something that happened 3 months ago, and now it's over. I am living through it everyday like it just happened!!!! And... talking about it makes me feel better! It validates my m/c, and it validates my pain. Be firm about deal-breakers- for example, when other people call Jay anything but Jay, let them know what he is to be called and if they argue with you or refuse, put up a fight or leave (and seriously reconsider ever hanging out w/them again!). When they start asking you about having another child - and you know where they're going with this - don't say what they want to hear - you're not sure... tell them the truth! Say yes, you WILL be TTC again in the future.... and then say "DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS???" - this IS, after all, Tammy... YOUR life, not THEIRS! I'm so sorry about your panic attacks As you know I've been having them too... panic attacks are horrible- you truly feel like the world is ending while they are happening. About your ds- does his school have a grief counselor? Most elementary schools should... see if he can see a counselor at school - that may help! Tammy I was feeling so bad recently and posted on the m/c board in tears... someone posted this poem for me: Nobody Knew You Nobody knew you “Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn't have been very far along." ...existed. Nobody knew you “It’s not as though you lost an actual person." ...were real Nobody knew you “Well, it probably wasn't a viable fetus. It's all for the best." ...were perfect. Nobody knew you “You can always have another!" ...were unique. Nobody knew you “You already have a beautiful child. Be happy!" ...were loved for yourself. Nobody knew you ...but us. And we will always remember ...You. - by Jan Cosby Tammy, this is something else that someone posted for me right after I had my last m/c: (hope it's okay for me to share w/you) What NOT to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage: -Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him. -Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age. -Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. - Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: -Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. -DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. -Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." -Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

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