To my readers

To anyone that is reading this blog, I thank you for taking the time to do so. Maybe some of you know some one that has felt this, maybe you have felt it yourself, maybe you know me, or maybe you just happened to find to find this blog one day and got caught up in Jay's Story, my story I guess. I have tried really hard to only post my raw and true feelings without sensoring anything. What would be the point of writing all of this if I sensored the truth? I try really hard to not go back and read any of my posts because when I read them I want to change them, to make them sound better, or to take something out completely that could be read wrong. I promised my self that I would never do that with Jay's Story. To do that would take away from what I want people to know. The sad truth is that only 2% or less of pregnancies end in the second trimester. That seems like such a small amount doesn't it? But to that 2% or less it seems huge, and those that have been there know what I'm talking about. Jay's story started not just because I lost Jay but because I couldn't find anything about some one that had been there. I felt like I was the only one that had ever been there. Then I found a board online that was for support in losing a baby. On that board there was a thread for 2nd and 3rd trimester loss. I found out that it wasn't just me. Many woman had felt that pain and thought that they too were all alone. I write this not just for me, but for all of them and for every woman yet to come. This isn't jsut about losing a baby as late as I did, no matter when you lost your baby it feels the same. I don't think I have it worse then some one that knew for only a few days before they lost their baby. It is the same to me. I know others don't feel that way, and I won't pretend to understand why they feel that way. I hear all the time "I lost a baby in the first trimester and I know that doesn't compare to your loss" Sure it does. You lost a baby and I lost a baby. Why does age/gestation matter. To them their baby was real and to me Jay was real. The only reason Jay has a name is because Chas and I had decided on it when I was 7 weeks pregnant. We would name the baby after his dad, boy or girl. For a boy it was James and for a girl Jamie, well it just seemed natural to me to shorten the names to Jay and so it stuck. Even now I don't think of him as James Cayden I think of him as Jay. It's wierd to me to see his real name instead of his nick name actually. To me he will always be Jay and to his brothers he will be too I'm sure. I would like to tell all of the readers that I'm sorry I don't post as much as I should or even want to. There are so many days that I really want to pot but jsut don't have the time to. Ok, everyday I want to post and don't get the time to. Especially now I want to post every day to tell how the pregnancy is going and how losing Jay has effected that yet there isn't enough time. Hopefully I will start being able to post at least once a week to catch everyone up. On Monday June 16, i have another U/S and so I will have to make sure I post about it ASAP, but don't expect a post until late Monday or on Tuesday as my appointment isn't until late on monday and then I will go straight to school after.
Again Thank you to everyone reading this blog. I hope so much that it is helping someone out there, anyone. If I can reach just one person, just one, and let them kow they are not alone, then I have done a very good thing and losing Jay meant something. He had a purpose and he fullfilled it.

June 5, 2008 Part 2

I have been waiting for a BFP sense Nov and now that I have gotten it i'm nto feeling like I thought I would. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be pregnant and I want this baby so much it hurts. Maybe that's part of the problem. I have planned out money to get a doppler and to get maternity clothes for school but even though I had money today to buy the doppler I jsut couldn't do it. I feel like I'm wasting the money. It's almost like I keep thinking the only reason to have the doppler is so that I will know sooner that it's over instead of walking around for 3 weeks with no clue and have to go through L&D and be told that my baby is probably in pieces because it has been so long or that it's not a good idea for me to see or hold the baby because they have been eaten up by my body as it tried to get ride of them. If I know sooner then I will be able to get more pictures of my baby instead of just hands and feet. That seems so terrible. And I feel like with the clothes I'm just going to spend all that money on some thing that I won't ever be able to wear. I have maternity stuff that has never been worn as it is why add to the list?? I pushed and pushed for an U/S so I could really see this little one is there but I really don't want to go. I have already been to 2 u/s and been told there is no heart beating- once with Jay and then reliving it again with this one earlier this week. Yea, ok it was too early I get that but no one seems to understand or even care that it doesn't matter to me hearing it's too early. All I heard was there is no heart beat. I had to relive the worst moment of my life and everyone says to me "it's to early" like that makes any difference. I jsut keep wondering what did I do. I spend so much time lost in my own thoughts anymore. Everyoen keeps asking me if I'm ok and I just say yes and leave it at that. I can't tell anyone because no one gets it. They all think I should jsut be so happy and so optimistic about the whole thing. Ok I know that a lot of the things i think aren't right, but I can't help it. I can't act like everythign is great and that I'm going to have a happy halthy baby in 9+ months or so. I can't do it. I'm trying but I just can't. I don't know how I could. There was no reason for what happened to Jay, none. Without a reason there is nothing I can do to keep it from happening again. I don't really want to think of any names alhough I am anyway and I wonder if I'm only thinking of names so that I know this little one has one no matter what happens. I feel like I have to have a name right now r else I won't have enough time to come up with one. There is somethign really wrong with me I think. I try to talk to Chas about it but not only does he not get it but it seems like he doesn't have the time or the desire to talk to me. The only one of my friends that I feel like I can talk to about it I don't really get any time to just sit with him and talk. He seems to at least understand my attitude and know that I realy cant help it. I'm trying to be positive but I just don't know how. I don't know how to do this. I really want to be happy, I want to have the rose colored glasses that make me think I wil have a baby at the end of all this, I want to have gender be the only thing I'm worried about not the last on my mind. I want to be like everyone else and be upset about having another boy or freaking out and counting down the seconds until my U/S not dreading the thought of having to go to one. I guess I need to talk to my dr about this when I see him in jsut over a week and see if there is some thing we can do to make me feel better, anything. I thought that having a doppler might make it easier but with how my mind is right now I don't know for sure anymore. Well I guess I better stop writing a novel and go to bed. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this.

June 5, 2008

So yesterday I went for the second blood test. I asked them if they would have the results by the time they closed and they told me not likely, but they gave me the phone number to the ab so I could just cal the lab at 5:50 PM before they close at 6 PM. So I caled the lab and was told it was still pending but to call back in an hour to see if it as done. Turns out the lab is open 24/7 (their words) so I called back just before 7 PM and I had to go to class. I was told it was still pending and to call back at 8 PM because it should be done. (I was put on hold so they could find out when it would be done) I called back at 8 PM and gave them my info, jsut to be put on hold for like 5 min. They came back and asked for my info again and what test it was I had done. Then I found out my numbers went from 3320 to 6390. =)
I talked to the nurse today at my doctors office and she said those numbers are very good and she let the doctor know that I would realy like another ultrasound to just make sure. The nurse called me back and told me the doctor agreed to another ultrasound but that we want to make sure it's not for 7-10 days to make sure it's not to early again. So I will go in on June 16th for my ultrasound and doctors visit. Of urse by then I plan on having bought my doppler so I will just have to ask my doctor if he will teach me how to use it when I'm far enough along

June 3, 2008

So I called this morning to find out what my HCG levels were (pregnancy hormone) and the nurse told me that it was 3320 which as you can see from the chart below is a really good number. They still want me to go back tomorrow to get the second blood draw to make sure but they are pretty sure that it was just to early to be able to see anything. Now though they said they might not send me back for another ultrasound which really sucks. I feel like I just have to see the baby to know that it is ok.

Guideline to hCG levels during pregnancy:
hCG levels in weeks from LMP (gestational age)* :
3 weeks LMP: 5 - 50 mIU/ml
4 weeks LMP: 5 - 426 mIU/ml
5 weeks LMP: 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
6 weeks LMP: 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
9 - 12 weeks LMP: 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
13 - 16 weeks LMP: 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
17 - 24 weeks LMP: 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
25 - 40 weeks LMP: 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
Non-pregnant females: <5.0 mIU/ml
Postmenopausal females: <9.5>

June 2, 2008

Today sucked. I called my dr to set up an appointment and was told it would be 2 weeks. I told them the truth that I had been cramping and after losing my last baby I was very scared. They worked it out to fit me in today, then they called me and changed it to an ultrasound. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I was having so many flash backs and in the end my friend went with me so I didn't have to go alone. It was a good thing I wan't alone because history repeated itself. No heartbeat. No fetal pole. Just a yoke sack with a "dot" in it that coudl or could not be something. I have lost almost all of my hope at this point. The dr had my blood drawn and I go back on Wednesday to get more blood drawn then I call the dr on Thursday to find out the test results. They are checking HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) to see if the get bigger. If they grow like they should I will probably get another ultrasound next week to see if anythign has changed. If not then I guess I will be given a D&C and Chas will be getting fixed. I can't do this again. This is it. Last chance, last try. And my heart is breaking because I think it is going to end badly no matter how much I want to think it will be ok, I'm not sure if in my heart I really believe it.

May 31,2008

I don't know what to do. I have been cramping badly ever sense I took the test. In my heart I don't think anything will happen this time but in my head I fear it is already to late. I wasn't going to all my Dr for a week or two and then I was thinking about just saying I have no idea when my last period was so that I could get en ultrasound to see for myself that everythign is ok, but now I don't want to wait. I want to get in asap so I can know that everything is ok but at the same time I know that going in won't tell me anything. All it will do is get an ultrasound scheduled sooner, but I am so afraid of ultrasounds now that even though I want one I know I will have so many flash backs that I will fall apart. I don't know what to do. The only thing I do know for sure is that this is it. No matter what happens this is the last pregnancy for me. I have told Chas that if we lose this baby he is getting fixed ASAP because I can't do this again. If we have a healthy baby in the end I will get my tubes tied and be done with it. This is not fair. I can't wait until I am far enough along and have the money to have a doppler so I can just listen to this little one whenever I want to.

May 28, 2008

I can't breathe. I really can't. I feel like I'm drowning with nothing to grab onto and now more so. I don't know how I feel today. I took a pregnancy test today just to get it over with expecting it to be negative and instead it said pregnant (it was a digital) I gasped when I saw it. I had to look at it 4-5 times and even now I will go look at it several more today I'm sure. I just can't believe it. I feel so many things at once. Did I do the right thing in trying again? Is the same thing going to happen again? Can I handle it if it does? Will my baby be ok? How do I tell people? OMG what have I done.... Does this mean I really have to move on and let Jay go? Now people are really goin to forget about Jay more then they already have. Sigh. I have a lot of thinking to do. I haven't even told Chas yet and I don't know how to.