Dec 8, 2008

Broken...That's how I feel more then anything.

My spirit is broken, my heart is broken, my body is broken...all broken. My spirit is broken because I've been trying so long and so hard for this and yet there is nothing. My heart is broken for the babies that grew wings far too soon and I never got to hold them. My body is broken because it keeps letting not jsut me, but the babies down. All broken...

Dec 4, 2008

That's it. It's over. I tested today because of the class I have tonight. Its the same one as Mon but last class we started doing full body massages even though the teacher told me we had until Dec 8th so I tested today just to make me feel better. Negative as I figured. It hurts so much though. So much for dreaming and hoping and Christmas miracles and everything...I'm never going to have another baby. never. I guess my road now becomes being ok with that and waiting for the day I get to see my two angels. I have to find peace in this life while I wait for the next...it's my only choice...

Dec 3, 2008

How badly do I want another baby? That is what I am thinking about today. I'm not sure if I can answer that question right now. I have spent the last 19 months trying to add antoher person to our family and so far all that has done is added pain to my life. So here I am, trying to figure out how far I am willing to go to get a baby or if I shoul just stop right now and be happy with what I have. In all honesty for all I know I am pregnant right now, but I'm having a hard time holding onto that thought. Chas keeps getting mad at me because I'm back to thinking that even if we do get pregnant again we won't get to hold the baby in the end...I'm trying so hard to hold onto my new motto but it's not working very well (see below for new motto) I'm trying to just let go and leave it in God's hands. I know he has a plan for me, my family, and all of us. I just can't help but wish it was easier to see and easier to follow. I know I have to let go and jsut trust in Him. If only that was easier to do. Being human makes you want to have some kind of control, makes you want to do everything and anythign you can to get what you want but it doesn't matter in the end. You will get whatever you are meant to get, when you are meant to get it. I know I had to go through everything I have gone through for some reason and I coudl easily sit here and say it was for this reason or that reason but I cold be wrong on them. So instead I sit here oh so confused and wishing for something that I don't have any control over. Although I have to say that if I were to pick one month sense I lost peanut that I thought I had any chance of getting pregnant in it would be this one and not because of anything I have one either. I knew last month it wouldn't happen, but this month it could. That's probably what makes things so much harder now. Feeling like it jsut might be God's time for this to happen and knowing that I will never know what his plan really is...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Dec 2, 2008

This day last year I was at my ILs family party, trying to remember to breath and to pretend I was "fine" like I should be...Now I sit here. Still with no baby in sight and trying to figure out how selfish I really am. I am so happy for the boys that I have and I feel like if I keep trying for "one more" than that means I'm not happy with what I have. How long do I keep trying before I realize that it's just not what I'm going to get and I should just get over wanting another one?

Ok my mood is clouded by knowing this year at the ILs Christmas party I will have to be around Chas' teenage neice that is pregnant (yes, you read that right) and the fact that this year I should have my Jay in all that stupid "Baby's First Christmas" junk and that everyone I know seems to be pregnant...There are certain people that it doesn't bother me that they are pregnant like the girl in my class that lost her baby when I found out I was pregnant with Peanut. I jsut found out last night that she is 14 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she will be a great mom. I just wish I was there with her...Or like my friend that I have had forever (that also reads this but never posts- you know who you are!) She told me on myspace that she had somethign to tell me then never did (that was so mean by the way!) and I really hope she is pregnant. I know she would be a wondeful mom. It wouldn't bother me at all. I jsut wish I was there too....but I feel like I never will be. I'm sure I will get pregnant, I seem to be really good at that. But to have another baby? That I doubt...I'm trying to be strong and have faith but right now I jsut don't see it happening. I bought this Pregnancy Journal that I hope to be able to use...Chas asked me how much I would use it and I told him it depends on if I have a happy ending or a sad one...

So here I am, counting down the days to Dec 8th when I have to test because of my class I have that night and dreading it...I know that the chances of getting a positive test that day are slim even if I am, but I have to test just to be sure. I don't want to. Mostly because there is going to be no way to hide it. That night everyone will know that I am and there will be nothing I can do about it. Even if I lose another baby. I won't get to hide it. It's not fair...It's just not fair. I don't knwo what to do at this point. I would love to be able to tell everyone this Christmas that we are expecting and trying to hope for the best, but I don't know if it will happen or not. I'm scared of getting a negative and I'm scared of getting a positive. I jsut can't win right now...

Nov 29, 2008

The holidays. A time to be with your family and friends and all I can think about are the stupid baby's first Christmas stuff that I keep seeing EVERYWHERE!!!! I should be getting that stuff for Jay, but he's not in my arms. I should be thinking about how I can get the stuff for Peanut next year, but nope I don't even have that. It bites...I'm trying to think about other stuff, like that I'm graduating in 3 weeks or getting ready for Christmas with my boys that are with me instead of thinking about what I don't have with me right now. If only this was easier.

Nov 21, 2008

I know I said I wouldn't post any more, and maybe it's because no one even cares if this blog is here, but I'm going to post anyway because it seems like no one cares if thsi is here or nto and probably no one is reading it anyway so I don't feel bad about all the downer posts.

So I'm not pregnant- still...I've known that few a few days. sigh. Well we aren't trying anymore so if it happens now it really isn't my fault. I would really like to give this story a happy ending. That's probaby another reason why I'm writing again. I want a happy ending. I guess time will tell if I get a happy ending or not...

Nov 13, 2008

Letting go....

So this was our last month of trying for another baby, and even though the month isn't over yet I don't think it really matters. I'm in what chat rooms call the tww or two week wait. Which just means that Im in the 2 weeks before my period should start. Actually I'm in the last week before it should start, at least close to it, and while this month was a good, maybe even great, attempt for getting pregnant I have no hope of it happening. I jsut don't feel like it worked out. So now I have to let go and say good bye to having anothr baby. It just wasn't meant to be. I have a great thing right now. I have 4 wondeful boys, a wonderful husband, I'm graduating in 5 more weeks, and then I will be able to get a job and life will work out great.

So why does it hurt so much knowing that this is the end?? All I wanted was another baby, maybe twins. Yet instead I got my heart broken twice...I want my Jay and Peanut but I know that's not possible, I jsut dn't understand why I can't have another baby at all...

Maybe I need to end this blog here. I was originally going to go for a year anyway and that time has past so maybe now is the time to say good bye to not only having another baby but to Jay and Peanut and their story as well...I don't know. I was hoping there story would have a happy ending, but my life doesn't seem to have very many if any of those... I don't know if I'm going to blog anymore...maybe it is time to end it before it gets any sadder then it already has been... Maybe I should leave it up to anyone who reads this, if anyone reads this. I started this blog to let others know they are not alone. That was the whole point. Maybe I'm not really helping anyone though...maybe, just maybe, all I'm doing is writing things that no one wants to hear.

So if anyone is reading this and you want me to keep blogging Jay and Peanut's story post a comment and let me know other wise I guess this is the end of the story...

Thanks to anyone that listened and sent thoughts my way.

Nov 2, 2008

One year ago I had to say good bye to you. One year...I'm doing better then I thought I would, but I'm glad I didn't have to really do anything today anyway. I was going to go and let a balloon go to remember but the weather had other plans. There was no way we could do it today. with any luck the weather will be better tomorrow so we can let one go for you. I'm going to light your candle soon and Peanut's too. I went to get the mail today because we had been gone all weekend and found a card from the hospital you were born at letting us know that they remember too. I still miss you with al my heart even if I don't think about it all the time. I don't feel bad about the balloon because I know you understand. Maybe the rain today was you crying too because you miss us. I wish I knew what was in the future as I sit here today. I wish I knew if trying for another baby was the right thing to do or not. I wish I knew what the plan for me was over the next year. Instead I sit here, not sure what to do in the next few minutes for fear it will mess up that plan. I'm not sure were the road is going to go or what path we will follow from here. I've begun to think that we just aren't meant to have another baby in this life, but everytime I think that I feel you there pushing me on and giving me hope some how. I'm trying so hard to not give up, but I feel so alone. I know that I'm not but I feel like it anyway.

I want a baby so bad...I know to so many it doesn't make sense for us to have anymore and many think I'm crazy for the ones I do have, but I can't change what is in my heart. I'm sick of trying month after month and getting my hopes up just to be crushed later. I hate that should I get pregnant I have to walk on glass instead of be happy. What if it doesn't work out? What if I get hurt again?? What if after what if! I jsut want a baby and to be happy but I don't think it will happen any time soon if at all. I just want to know if I'm going to keep getting hurt or actually have a happy ending in some way...and I know that is too much to ask.

I'll always remember you-
James Cadyn "Jay"
Nov 2, 2007

Oct 31, 2008

I haven't been avoiding posting, I promise. I really wanted to post yesterday but I was way to busy. Even at that I only have a moment so this will be quick, but I will be back on Sun to make a really good post.

So yesterday made one year frm when I found out Jay was gone. I was ok for the most part. I was at the school with Lex for his Halloween party (because they don't have school today) so I had a moment were it hit me that last year I was at Bry's halloween party with Jay inside me but gone...Then last night at school it hit me hard. I was sitting in class and out of no where I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being crushed. It was right before break and so I kept telling myself I jsut had to make it until then. As soon as we went to break I ran out of the room and outside for air. It was all I could think of doing. I got outside and started to hyperventalate (sp?) and almost passed out. I had to tell my teacher and be late getting back from break. Thankfully he understood and gave me the few minutes extra I needed to pull myself back together. So anyway, For the most part I am ok. I'm starting to wonder if we will ever have another baby or not and that makes it even harder to get through this weekend, so I try to not think about it. I have so many friends that are standing by my and holding me up (you all know who you are and thank you so much!) Even the friends I don't see or talk to very much, I know you are there. So many are pulling for me and Chas and I am greatful. Thank you every one.

One last thing before I go, we are on our last month of being able to safetly try to get pregnant because of classes I have in Dec and I'm not sure the path we will take after that so please be thinking about us and praying/hoping I know the right choice to make should I have to make it.

Oct 24,2008

"One time is all it takes."

How many times have we all heard that? That's what they teach in schools andany safe sex class actually "One tim is all it takes" Ok sure some times one time is all it takes but lets be honest- you onyl have a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant every month. For the majority of couples it takes 3-6 months to get pregnant and for a lot it can take a year or more! And for those that have been trying they know that "one time is all it takes" actually means setting your alarm just to wake up and reach for that stupid basal body temp thermometor and stick it in your mouth while laying in bed wishing you could go to the bathroom but knowing that if you do it will mess it up and praying that you didn't sleep with your mouth open. And then you find out that discharge that you have always hated is actually a good thing and that without it you can't even get pregnant so instead of getting upset when your underwear gets soaked with it you get excited because it means you now have a chance and you call your husband to come home on his lunch so you don't risk missing out that month. And then there's the fact that you have to install security cameras all over the house jsut to watch your husband to make sure he isn't wasting his swimmers. And for the ones that have been trying to long you figure out that there are more then just X and Y sperm and that your chances have a lot to do with what your guy is thinking when the deed is done. Like if he thinks you have been spending too much time with the mailman or pool boy then he will have a ton of suicidal sperm that don't care who's side the other sperm are on. If they are there, they must die. Of course men have these anyway, but they have more of them if in any part of there brain they think there is a chance you have been with someone else. Add to that what I call the terrorist sperm. These are the ones that are a few genes short of set but race ahead of all the other sperm to infiltrate the egg first. They get all nice and cozy making you so comfortable and happy in your new future just to explode the bomb or crash the plane. That's when reality hits and you realize that you are miscarrying...(for the record, yes I know it can be the egg that is a few genes short but it's much funner to blame the sperm so don't burst my bubble)

"One time is all it takes" Only for the lucky few the rest of us have to learn way, way, WAY too much and still come up short.

October 7, 2008

I've been avoiding posting, I'll admit it. I'm not really sure what to say to be honest. I'm not even sure how I feel lately. I guess I should start by saying my dreams were wrong, I'm not pregnant. That was a hard day when I realized that. It just didn't make any sense. Now I'm wodnering if we should keep trying at all or even jsut not care if it happens. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but I was worried about trying anymore because of a class I am starting at school next week. It is a type of massage that has been used as an abortion method before. I talked to my teacher and got more info about it and he told me that a full body massage using that type of massage raises the body temp enough that it will fry the baby BUT that we aren't doing a full body massage until class #11 so it would be ok to keep trying until then. I was thinking about just not caring but I had a really bad night last night...There was a 4 day old baby that I saw and there was a LOT of pregnant talk. I had to go outside during our surprise pizza party at school because I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. My best friend and his girlfriend came over last night ot study and I pulled out my maternity stuff for her to see if any of it fit...I really wanted to just give it all to her. I am so sick of this rollercoaster. She made a comment last night that 9 months was too long and all I could think was try being pregnant for 5 months, losig the baby, trying for 6 month, being pregnant for 3 months, losing the baby, and then being back to trying again and see how long it is! I told my best friend that I was thinking about sending all my maternity clothes with them and he told me that I already knew what he would say to that...He knows all too well how badly I want a baby and he isn't going to let me give them my stuff. He wants so badly for me to be pregnatn too, I know he does. He wants so badly for me to not hurt anymore too. I know that and I wish so much tht I wasn't hurting them because of how I feel. I want so badly to jsut be able to take al this pain away and not feel any of it and be abel to be happy for them instead of happy and jealous... I'm not sure what to do but I know I have to figure it out soon. If I were to get pregnant this month I would find out around Oct 30th, the one year for when we found out about Jay and the due date would be around the time we found out about peanut...That is just way to much for me to think about. It gives me hope that it could happen this month but I know that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again this month.

Sept 15, 2008

I had another dream last night. Only this one had a date. Tuesday the 30th although I don't know what month. Sadly the dream didn't mention that part. I took an HPT (preg test) and it was a really high tech one that gave you HCG numbers instead of just positive or neg. It even told you how far along you should be based on the numbers. Anyway, the numbers were really really high for what they should have been but it was a positive none the less. I know it was a Tues the 30th because I pulled out the calender on my phone to figure out how far along I really was supposed to be and I thought it was the 8th but Chas told me it was really the 30th and when I went to the 30th it was a Tues. Ugh. Well I guess I know that should I get pregnant again I will find out on a Tues the 30th. Now to find out when all of those are....
And yes I know Sept 30th is a Tues this year. I already looked.

Sept 7, 2008

So I think the bleeding is gone. I hope at least. There has only been a little brown spotting yesterday and today and even that has been hardly at all. I could only hope it is gone I guess. But if it is it means it's on to trying again I guess. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I know this is in God's hands and not my own. I know I have to just let go and have faith that some day I will understand at that everything will work out the way it is meant to work out. Now if only I can make it to that day. If only I can be strong enough to get there. With any luck, I will be. Please everyone be thinking about us and praying that whatever is meant to be we will be strong enough to make it through.

Sept 3, 2008

So it looks like the bleeding isn't going to stop anytime soon. It seems to be getting worse not better. This sucks! It's been going for 6 days now and seems to be getting worse not better. If it doesn't stop by Sun I'm going to just assume that I won't O this month and not bother trying like I'm planning on. By Sun it will have been going for 10 days so the chances of me O'ing are pretty slim at that point. I had another dream last night though about being pregnant. I know that some day I will have another baby, I just hope I'm strong enough to travel the road that will get me there. In the dream it was winter just like in the last one and I was going to the dr to hear the heartbeat and I was really upset because I couldn't feel the baby moving. As soon as I heard the heart beat I started to feel the baby move alot. As the dream wet on I was talking about asking the dr to induce me at 38-39 weeks because I wasn't sure if my heart could take waiting after losing the last 2. Then I was having contractions while I was on the phone with someone. They hurt so much I slid off the bed and onto the floor to try sitting and making them not hurt as much just like I have done in the past. It seemed so real. It was just like it would be if Chas and I were sitting on the bed talking about this stuff or feeling the baby move. It was so real that for a moment after I woke up I really thought I was pregnant. I can't wait for the day that I can feel another baby move inside me and hear their heart beating away with a doppler. I want a baby so badly and I wonder if all my dreams are just because of that or if they really are God talking to me. I choose to believe that it is God giving me hope. Other wise why would so many of my dreams come true? Sure there are some that seem really out there and those never come true, but the ones that seem so real usually do come true at some point. Now if only I can be strong enough to wait for that day to come....

Aug 30, 2008

This will probably be all over the place so I'm sorry ahead of time.
So after 2 negative tests in the last week I started bleeding yesterday. I'm not sure if I would call it AF though as it looks like old blood. I don't know what to think it is, but I know it means I'm really not pregnant. I have been thinking a lot about if I should even be trying again. I want a baby so badly, but i don't know if I can handle going through this again. I have been having these dreams lately about being pregnant and about having a baby. Last night I had one that was very much like the ones I had when pregnant with my 4 boys. With them I had dreams about the next pregnancy and the next baby. With Sky I had a dream of having a baby that was only a few months old and being pregnant. No matter how hard I tried I could not see the baby I had though. I also had dreams of one of my boys being 2-3 and getting a room ready for a baby girl and being huge pregnant, bigger then normal pregnant. At the time I thought it meant that I was going to get pregnant really fast and the reason I couldn't see the baby was because I was wondering if Sky was a boy or girl. Cam was 2-3 at the time and I was sure I was bigger because I was going to have twins. In the first dream Bry had just started school and there was this male teacher. I'm not sure if the teacher was Bry's or not. Well I saw the teacher from my dream last year when Bry was in school. He teachs 4th grade I think. I had never met him before I had the dream though. It was very wierd. Well Last night I had a dream like this. It started off as one of those really weird dreams and at some point it turned into Christmas time. I was looking for a baby blanket to put in this basket and under the tree was all this pink baby stuff, mostly blankets, with a baby sleeping among them. I thought that I couldn't take one of those, it hurt to much. I had to find one from my boys to use. SO I went into the room that my boys stuff was in and there was this baby doll in blue blankets. Well I grabbed one from the doll just to find it was white with pink flowers or something on it. I didn't have time to grab another so I took it. There was also this little girl in the dream that was no more then 5 in a white dress that almost glowed that ripped my heart out. She looked a lot like my boys. I wonder if the girl was Peanut, I wonder if it means at Christmas time at some point I will have a girl or hear that I am having girl. And I wonder if I am just thinking about all of this way to much! The only way for all of them to come true would be for me to be pregnant right now and the blood doesn't make that look good. But then it doesn't explain the girl in white either. I don't know what to think or what to believe. DH isn't sure about having another baby either. I don't know what path to take right now and it sucks and it hurts....

My family

I wanted to share this video of my boys, husband, and even me in the background. They are just being funny.

Aug 21, 2008

I was laying in bed last night thinking how nice it would be if come Oct I found out i was not only pregnant but like 8-10 weeks pregnant. Then it hit me how crazy that sounded. First of all if my period were to not come back in the next few weeks I would go crazy with wonder and take a test just so that I wouldn't be thinking that I was just to come crashing down when the witch did show. Not only that but my clothes would probably get tighter and I would be really sick (oh, wait I'm already really sick....) and so on. Although with both Jay and Peanut I was gaining weight before I got my positive test so should it happen again I will be thinking that I will lose that baby too. I'm also stuck with the fact that I don't want to tell anyone that I don't have to tell. Ok I will tell family so they can be there for support as it goes on, but I really don't want to tell anyone else. I will have to tell my teachers of course but I don't want anyone in my class to know. Not even my friends. I know that sounds harsh and mean but the less people that know the less I would hve to untell should it get to that point. If I do get pregnant I'm going to ask the school director if we can jsut tell the teachers and then jsut say I have a medical contraindication so I can't get body work until I know that I can tell people. Because it would be a give away if I had to lay on my side for class (like I would have to) so I jsut want to not tell anyone until I know that the baby will make it. I don't know. Maybe I will just tell everyone and get it over with. If I am already pregnant the farthest I will be at graduation is 20 weeks so who knows. I will jsut have to see how it goes I guess. One another note, last night someone in my class that I'm friends with stopped me. He told me that him and his wife have something for me and that he will bring it tonight. I have no idea what it could be but I guess I will find out. I'm not even going to guess. Ok, I am. It's probably like some food thing or something like that. I will be sure to come back and let you know though. And with that I am going to end this post with a prayer, because it's all I can think of to post-
Dear God, I know I am running on your time and that my life will go where You intend for it to go. I know that I'm not the best person or the most deserving. All I ask is that you take care of those in pain, those that suffer. Please bless my friend A with the baby she so wants. You gave her one before and it was ripped away from her. She deserves to be a mom and she would be a great mom. Please bless her with a little bundle, preferably in blue as she wants a little boy to hold and love. Please be with my friend J as she goes on her journey. She has seen far to much pain and lost far to many. Please be with her and help her through. If you can find it in your heart to give her a bundle of pink, that would be great as she wants a little girl so much and after all the pain her heart has been through with having to say goodbye to so many, it would be a great gift to her. Please be with all my online friends on the board as they travel their roads. Be it to have a baby or to find peace in the life they have been given. Please be with my other frind A as he takes the road he needs to take. Be with him to make him stronger and able to handle the path he has chosen. Be with him as he goes through life and the challenges he will face as he follows his dreams to become the person he wants to be. And lastly, please give me the strength to follow my path whatever it may be and where ever it goes. Please give me the peace I need to be ok with whatever should happen next. I know that You know best, but I really would like it if you would stop trusting me so much with what I can handle. I know I can make it through but I really would like a break and some happiness instead of more trials. I thank you for everything you have given not jsut to me but to all of those I pray for. I am very greatful for my boys and for my angels. I am very thankful for my husband, even though we have our problems we seem to always make it through with your help. I thank you for your love and guidence...........
Thy will be done.
I say these things in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Aug 12, 2008

I give up. I'm not strong enough. I give up. I'm still bleeding 3 weeks later and my doctor has told me that I have to just deal with it and there is nothing that can be done. Add to that he called me yesterday and told me they couldn't do the genetic testing because the cells wouldn't grow like they had to so the test could be done. Between testing, losing Jay and Peanut, school, people at school, problems with Chas, and just life in general I give up. It's time to admit that I"m not as stron as I let people think I am. I called my doctor today to get meds for depression as my thoughts keep going to thinking it would be better to not live any more and to go take care of Jay and Peanut. I want to hold them and be with them and not here because where they are there is no pain and heartbreak. So I made the call today to get help. I am waiting for them to get back from lunch and they wi be calling me to let me know if I need to go in to see the doctor or if they will jsut call the meds in for me to go pick up. I jsut don't know what else to do at this point. Either I feel nothing or I feel too much. I'm lost and sinking fast. And what I keeping thinking is the words to 'praise you in this storm' Im reaching out and I know God is there to catch me, but I have to help myself too.
God, I know you are there. And I know my angels are in your arms, please hold them and care for them until I can. Please give me the strength to go on and to make it through this. I knwo I can't do all of this with out You by my side....

Aug 8, 2008

I have meant to post for days now but I jsut haven't had time. So I got back all the blood work and it was all normal. I will get back all the genetic testing that was done on Peanut in about another week so until then I just wait. I'll try to come on and let everyone know what I am told. Sorry there isn't more to this post today. I have a lot of emotional stuff going on other then just losing Peanut so I'm not really sure what to post other then what I have.

Praise You In This Storm

July 30, 2008

Glory Baby Lyrics- A friend of mine told me about this song. It is about loosing a baby to miscarriage and it fits so well how I feel about both Jay and Peanut.

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you
CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would
CHORUS
BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know
CHORUS

Praise You in This Storm Lyrics- This song seems to have the most effect on me. I spent today listening to it over and over and just crying. I seem to be getting anwers as I listen to it that I never thought I would ever get. As I listen to this song I feel like we are meant to have more children, but I also feel like we have to go through more pain and heartbreak before we get there. I knwo one day I will get to hold another baby, maybe more then one I'm not sure, that is mine. I knwo I will make it through a pregnancy at some point I jsut have to get there on His time, not mine.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You and
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus

Celebrating my birthday

I think I already said this but my birthday was the day we found out about Peanut so needless to say there was no cake or ice cream or any party. We promised the boys we would do it later, well later came today. It feels so wrong to be celebrating the same day we lost the baby. I know it was my birthday first, but still. They lit the candes and sang happy birthday, then they told me to make a wish. that is whe the tears started to fall. I was barely able to blow out the candles. My boys of course watned to know what I wished for. Bry told me right away he knew what I wished for- a baby. Chas told him maybe maye not. Sure it crossed my mind, so did just waking up and having all of this be a dream. But I don't think either seems very likely right now. In the end I'm not sure what I wished for to be honest but I guess it doesn't matter as I didn't blow out the candes in one shot. I guess that's just one more sign that I won't be having another baby or waking up anytime soon. Or maybe it's just that I am now getting old. I think the more likely answer though is that it is very hard to blow out candles when you are crying. It's hard to breathe without sobbing so blowing is really, really hard.

July 26, 2008

Another day. That's all today is, another day. I have been looking for answers for over 9 months now and now I am back to looking for answers. Everyone thinks this time should be easier, but it's not. I think it is harder because of how it had to end and because more people knew and I have to go on with life. Before I had time to grieve, time to move on. This time I don't have that. I have finals at school next week so I have to get my head together and study so I don't loose my 4.0 too. I have worked to hard to lose everything so I jsut have to do it. I hate that I have to go to school and act like it's no big deal and life is great. I put off when I will go to the doctor to try to make sure that my head will be in finals instead of thinking about the test results. I just don't know how to do this. I know that more likely then not I will go in on Aug 4th and be told they have no answers, none and I will be left with nothing. I'm sure they will tell me that becasue they have no answers next time I will be treated the same as well. No extra visits or U/S or anythign to try to make sure it doesn't happen again. If that's the case we will have to be done. I don't know how to go on knowing that this is how it ends though. It doesn't feel right. In my heart I have felt for awhile now that we are meant to have twins and with each pregnancy I have tried to tell myself that it just wasn't meant to happen. I was really surprised to find that Peanut wasn't a twin. I thought for sure I was having twins as it was our last chance and I really thought I would make it to the end this time. I did everything I could to make myself think it was jsut my wishful thinking and not realy the path God had layed out for us. Now I'm not so sure. I wonder if we lost Peanut because we are meant to have twins some day and in the mean time God is sending us all the babies that just need their wings so we have enough time between that it won't be so hard. But I also think I am jsut being wishful. We have agreed to not do anything in the way of birth control (like pills, IUDs, or permanent methods) and to just prevent in other ways should we prevent at all. So for now I feel like I am in limbo. The doctor said we need to wait for one cycle to start before we can start trying again (if I want to be a good girl anyway, but DH is a very bad influence) and I really feel like my body is going to be "broken" again like it was after Jay and if that is the case it will be 6 months before I can get pregnant again anyway unless we do something to "fix" me and we tried everything but fertility drugs last time and nothing worked. I jsut don't know what to do or what to think. I'm still in shock an numb. I know I am. I feel like I can't be anything else right now. Maybe after Aug 4th I will feel more like it is real and it is over. I don't know. I jsut wish I knew what to do and where we go from here.

July 25, 2008

I had the D&C last night at about 5:30 PM. I was out about a half hour later Chas said and I was awake not much after that. I don't have it in me this second to post too much so I will copy the posts I made to friends on a chat board.

Post 1-
I am leaving to take the boys to my aunt's house and then DH and I will be going to the hospital for the D&C. I hope they will be willing to give me another U/S before we get started (I don't see why they wouldn't) and I will be staying at my sunt's house tonight. I'm taking the laptop with so I should be able to get online at the hospital but I don't know if I will be able to at my aunt's. Please think of us today.

Post 2-
So it turns out I do get internet here after all. That's probably the lst bit of good news in this post. I got a cal from my dr about 45 min ago to make sure I got his message last night about coming an hour earlier then he first told me and to let me know that today is not looking good after all. It seems there are a lot of happy pregnant woman giving birth to healthy live babies right now so they might not be able to get me in. I was told to call the hospital at noon and ask. The thing is i will have to call them before that to be able to get up there by 1 like my dr wants (so my ride can get ready to take me) I can't believe this. If it's not today I am back to waiting for a week or more! I can't do this, not again. I'm trying so hard to just trust God but it is really hard right now. How coud He give me a baby that I thought I would never get jsut to rip it away, then give me hope that this will end soon just to be told that I might have to wait after all? I know He has a plan and I have to trust it, but how much can I take? Really? This is to much. I can't do this, I just can't. I just can't not again. My baby...

Post 3-
It's about 1 PM here and I have been at the hospital for about 30 min so far. They have finished checking me in and now i am waiting for my IV and the U/S. DH and I both keep thinking that they will look and Peanut will be there alive and well with no reason for what they saw the other day. We know the chances of that are next to none but we can't stop feeling like this isn't real. It doesn't feel right. With Jay I didn't question for a second, I knew it from the begining. I had no doubt. This time when I didn't see the heartbeat I just knew it was the angle. DH grabbed my hand and I still didn't flinch, I knew they would find it. Well Tech here, BBL

Post 4-
it wasn't the tech it was the dr with an U/S machine. Still no heartbeat. The IV is in so typing is really hard. They are going to put meds at my cervix and then 3 hours after I will go to the OR and be knocked out for the D&C. The nurse told me that there are two ways to do it- give me an epidural like med or knock me out. My dr wants to knock me out thank goodness! He is running antibody tests and blood clot tests so hopefully we will get to the bottom. I had the thyroid test done weeks ago for a study to find pregnant woman in the high or low ranges of normal to treat so I know I'm ok there or they woud have called me about it. This just seems like a horrible dream. I think the worst part is knowing that I will fall asleep pregnant and wake up not pregnant with no idea if I ever will be again. With Jay I knew we would try again, no I don't know. Time will tell and hopefully the tests will give answers that make the choice easier either way.

Post 5-
the nurse came with the meds for my cervix so now the count down is on. In 3 hours at the most I will go into surgery and come out not pregnant. I think I am going to take a nap. I went to bed at about 2, couldn't sleep (duh) and woke up at 6 AM even though I had another hour that I could sleep. So I am tired. Sleep sounds nice. Now if only I can do it with this stupid IV in my hand.

Post 6-
I'm still here and still waiting. As my dr put it because we are on the L&D floor we are at "the mercy of the Labor Gods" so because emergency cases came in I have to wait. He told me he gets off at 5 so he "might" go home and then he would just come back when they are ready but should it get to be 9 or 10 PM and it looks like I won't get in any time soon he will call the normal OR and get me in tomorrow and send me home. He said at least I have the cervix stuff in so it might just happen on it's own should that be the case. They actually do give the cervix stuff to woman so they don't have to have a D&C, some one in my class did it around the time I found out I was pregnant so it wouldn't be that big of a deal. It would just be trying to find some one to watch my boys tomorrow as my aunt has to work. She probably could get the time off but still.

Post 7- (reply to someone else saying that God was using me to help others)
I know what you mean by using me to help others. That was the only thought that got me through lossing Jay and it is something I have been thinking this time too. I know so many lurk and don't post that are reading this and I know that many, if not all, that read this think the same things that Andrea has said. To think about me and this happening not jsut once but twice really makes you think about how lucky you really truly are. I have had many tell me that through me lossing Jay it 'cured" their GD, for that I am greatful. He had a purpose and a meaning even if I don't like not having him with me and I know the same is true this time. Every time I log onto the board in all honesty I wonder why I am doing it. I wonder why I read the threads and post back. Especially now. I wondered why I came here to post about the baby and I keep posting all day about what is going on. I wish i could say it's because I know so many care and want to know, but the truth is I don't know why I do it. It would be so much easier to just not come to this board anymore. Because (sense I'm telling the truth) I really have a hard time reading the posts about people being sad to have a healthy baby. Sure I get it, I know that feeling all to well, yet I know that there is much worse. As I said I found the cure for GD but I refuse to share. I really hope that people can read about me and that God will use that to show them just how lucky they really are. That's why I started "Jay's Story" to show otheres they are not alone and how I am making it through. Now it's no longer just Jay's story though, Peanut is a part of it too. As much as it hurts and as much as I wish it wasn't me, i'm glad it's not someone else if that makes sense. Not very long ago I read about Emilie's loss on the TTC thread and my heart broke. I screamed and yelled because God would put HER through this. I screamed and yelled at every loss post I see here. I guess in a way I have asked to be "used" like this. He must be tired of me screaming at Him for "using" others. I would rather be the on here then see anyone else from this board be in my place. I can say that honestly and without a bit of doubt. I would rather it was me. I have done this before and I can and will do it this time. Right now God is teching me that it is his time, not mine. My heart can take more then I thought and I am stronger then I thought. He is teaching me that everyone is right- I am as strong as my grandma even though I can't see it. Maybe he is trying to show me I am stronger. Right now I have so many trials I don't know how I'm still breathing. anyone that has read my blog (Jay's Story) knows that my DH and I have hit (another) hard patch. I don't know how many more we can make it through before we crack yet he is still here by my side (well right no he went to get food, it doesn't seem fair for both of us to starve ) Holding me while I cry, listening to my ramblings should things go horribly wrong and I don't make it home. Making promises should it come to that. He is telling me that I can't go even if God wants me because him and the boys need me too much. I asked him what if Jay and Peanut need me more and he told me that's not possible. Even in the bad he is by myside when he could not be. Life is crazy and I know God is carrying me and that this will go the way it should even if I don't like it and even if I think its not fair. It will bo ok in the end. I have no clue what path my family is going to take. I have no idea if this is the end of having babies or not. DH nd I have talked about it and I have told God what I have to do. Should it not be right there are signs i am waiting for. Mostly in the test results. I know that even should the results come back and I think we are done, it doesn't mean I rely wil be should God want to give me another baby, even if it is just another one for me to hold long enough for him or her to get their wings and go back to his arms. I am praying and have so many praying for me too. Not jsut from this board but IRL too.
Sorry for the novel. I guess I really just needed to get this out while I was alone.

Post 8-
It is done. I'm just waiting for my RH shot and then I get to go home. I feel really good right now. I'm glad it is over. Later i'm sure I won't be as ok but for now I'm just glad that it is over. The hardest part was walking to the OR and having to leave DH behind at the doors. It was very scary seein the table and worring that something would go wrong. I said a prayer and I feel asleep fast. I woke up to DH holding my hand. All in all I'm really glad it is over.

So that was me yesterday. Today I am doing about the same. I have decided that I am nt going to go to school tonight. I know that physically I can do it but emotionally I just can't. There is a woman in my class that is due a few days before I was. Seeing her hurts to much. She asked me on Weds if I wanted to pair up for the final because we both cant do some things in class. I had to tell her that I lost the baby. She felt really bad for bringing it up but I knew she didn't know. I made all my "friends" mad at me because I told them I jsut needed to have some space right then. I knwo they can't understand and they want me to talk but talking doesn't help. It usually makes it worse because talking makes people think they have to answer and the answers don't help at all and make it worse more often then not. So why should I talk? I have set an expectation on myself that I will always be at class no matter what, but I know I can't go. I made Chas promise me that he would not let me go tonight because it will jsut make it worse later. not to mention I am on 5 different meds so massage is out of the question anyway just to be safe. I don't know what kind of side effects massage could have and I know enough to know that it's not a good idea to push it. One of the meds I will be done with by the time I go to bed, two of them I will be done with Sun night, and the other two are for pain (Ibprofin and another one incase the first isn't enough) so far I haven't needed any pain meds though. I go see my doctor next week to go over the test results so hopefully I will get answers.

July 23, 2008

Once again it is realy tomorrow (if that makes sense) but I don't care. I talked to my doctor today and I will actually have the D&C tomorrow (today/July 24) instead of having to wait so long. I am so happy to just have it over with and be able to start trying to move on. There are so many things I want to say and will say but for now I have to much to do before morning so I will be back in a few days (I'm not sure I will have the computer tomorrow) and I will let it all out.

Messages from a friend

Tammy,
I don't mind at all talking about my losses. If my losses were for a purpose such as this I thank God for allowing me to be used, and my angels to be used to bless others or to give hope where hope is needed.
I'm going to be completely honest, the only thing keeping me going was my faith that God could and would do a miracle in my life. That he loved me and wanted the best for me, even when others were trying to ease my pain by saying he was telling me to just move on with my life.
There was an ache in my heart for a girl... But there was an even bigger ache for one last child to hold, to love, to share my heart with. Was I willing to believe that God wanted that too or would I let others guide my heart. My first m/c was at 5 wks. I went into that office for a pregnancy test to confirm, full of hope, but when I went to the RR for the urine test I was bleeding. My heart sank the moment they confirmed on the u/s that there was nothing there. Some say it's a chemical pregnancy, that just because your baby was reabsorbed into your being, it doesn't count... Tell my heart that. They told me to wait to TTC 3 months but I just couldn't do it. I waited two months and conceived again right away. I was elated, hopeful because they told me it was just something that happens. We didn't tell anyone until Christmas time when I was about 2 months/8 wks pregnant. I truly believed that everything would be fine. On New Years Eve I started spotting and we went to the ER... They told me that there was no heartbeat and I would m/c... I went home broken. I just wanted to have a child. And i questioned God. Why? Why not me? What am I supposed to do, just move on with my life? But I refused to give up hope and I refused to listen to that Dr. When I went to my OB 4 days later there was a baby and a heartbeat!!! I believed God had given me my miracle. My OB put me on bedrest because I had a subchorionic hemmorage and we went in two weeks later to find that I had lost the baby shortly after I had seen him... I opted to mc naturally (which I'll never do again). the next month I was pregnant again but I m/c again at 5 wks.
After that I just decided to give my heart a break, lose weight and seek God... Perhaps I was supposed to just move on? Perhaps there was a lesson to be taught in my life... Sometimes we just try to understand these things logically and there is no logic in it, no more than there is in our desire for a daughter. I prayed that God would help me to accept his will. To find peace in his will no matter what life had in store for me. I just couldn't give up on my dream...
When we started TTC one year later my dad told me that he had a vision that I was pregnant... and I would have a baby girl in Nov... My FIL called to ask me if I was pregnant cause he said my SIL told him I was... And my sister asking me if I was pregnant... I actually O'd early that month and conceived in March so my due date was Nov!! After all these signs I truely believed that this baby was going to make it 9 months. We once again heard that the baby had died and I chose to have a D&C so they could see if there were any issues causing it. Nothing came back and even if it did there was something in me saying we would have to be done because I couldn't justify spending more financially when I had a beautiful family already. I was blessed already.
We got a number for an RE but I just couldn't go yet. I just wanted time to heal once again and decide how far I would go to have another child. Over the next few months I still felt that strong desire for a baby... It just never goes away no matter how much you wish it away. If it's there, it's there... I made an appt. with the RE and he gave me RX's to begin testing... But I told him I could be pregnant already because we weren't cautious. Low and behold we were pregnant! But at 5 wks I m/c'd again, my fifth baby...
That's when I feel I finally gave it to God. I just knew I couldn't take it much longer, I couldn't put my family or my heart through the pain any longer. I finally could see my life without a daughter... without another baby. I decided to not go back to the RE for testing, that if this was God's will then I would accept it, even if it broke my heart. That week I m/c'd I went to church and my spirit just broke.. I knew that I couldn't take it any longer. That it was either God or nothing... My Pastors message and call to the alter was my last draw... I was broken.
When my friend came to pray over me with my Pastor, I felt a touch I have never felt before flow over me... It wasn't something that I knew my future with but that I knew God was going to be there for me, that he had healed me, healed my heart. I walked away at peace with God's decision for my life, whatever his will was. That's all I had prayed for. That I have peace in my heart.
One more try, one more heartache or one more miracle... That's what I felt was the right thing to do. No one could convince me otherwise. Through those 3 years I heard so many well meaning family and friends tell me to basically give up and enjoy my blessings. I never listened to them and I rebuked those who told me God was telling me to move on! Well two weeks later we got a BFP...
I never gave up even when I didn't think there was hope. I believed that God would answer me and I believed that even if his answer was to stay Mom2sixsons, I knew that peace would surround me. I called the RE and he confirmed by U/S at 7w4d that I was indeed pregnant!! Of course I was nervous, of course I bawled... And each week up until 12 weeks, that I had my u/s's, I just feared the answer God may have for me. Yes, I believed he healed me but I knew that his answer was yet undecided.
I thank God for answering me in HIS time, in his way. It took me three years and 5 babies to really come to terms with my life, to let go and let God. Did it take that desire for a girl away forever?... No, but it allowed me to find a love for a son that I would have been broken hearted with just six months before. The losses did help me to move forward and to JUST WANT A BABY... There was that desire I could never get rid of. And I hated it!! I wanted that desire to go away forever, I wanted to be one of those moms who would be happy with all boys... I found that when I went to my 20 wk u/s! I found peace like I had prayed for and when I thought I saw that little turtle I knew God had blessed me with my Malachi!!! I knew that my all boy family was a blessing!
I grew so much in those three years. My faith grew, my heart grew, my wisdom grew... Life is about lessons. We go through it thinking we control it but in the end it controls us... I wouldn't have appreciated my sons the way I do now if God had answered my prayers so many years ago. I wouldn't have known the joy of having my boys if he had given me a DD in my youth. I wouldn't have accepted his will if I hadn't struggled with 5 losses...
I consider this part of my life a blessing. I am now able to help those around me who have lost a baby. I am now able to say that YOU CAN be happy with your life, no matter how the cards unfold. You have to decide what is right for YOU... Do you want a child? Then press on! Do you want a DD? Then press on! Are you wiling to sacrifice heartache, money, time? Then press on!
If your heart aches for another child then I believe it aches for a reason. I never thought that I would come to a point in my life where I would feel done. But one day, after almost two years of praying, I felt this peace and assurance that it was time to stop having babies. I called and scheduled it that day! I looked back only for a short time and wondered if it was the right answer but I know it was now.
Don't give up on your dream if that's what you're heart wants. There will be an answer... You just have to be willing to accept the final outcome.
Things could have turned out so differently for me... I could have moved on and accepted my family without another child. I could have been blessed with a son and not a DD. The thing is, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would have been okay either way. I still wonder what my last son would have looked like because I expected him in the end... I still wonder what life with two or three kids would have been like... I still wonder what having all girls would be like... I still wonder a lot of things but I KNOW that in the end I would have been able to see the blessings I have had in my life. I would have known that my boys were here for a purpose. I would have known that my losses helped me to become a better mother, a better wife, a better person... Because I learned that life is precious and that we all see each others lives a little better than our own.
We all want what others have... When we just need to SEE what we have ourselves. If I could give you one thing it would be peace. The greatest blessing of my life was the peace I found in this part of my life. If you find that, you will find your answer. You will be healed no matter where the road takes you.
They didn't find my thyroid issue until I was 14 wks so I don't believe that is why Lydia is here today. I believe she is here because it was in God's will. I try to remember every day that my kids are here because it's HIS will, that one day their purpose will be revealed. That today it could be his will to take them home... How much harder to lose a child you've loved for years? I can't imagine the pain, but I remind myself that there are those who have had a life much harder than even mine.
I was molested as a child... I choose to use that to help others. I married a divorced man with a child... I choose to use that to help others by letting them know the struggles of it. I had five sons... I choose to help other moms know that having sons can be a blessing even when you're missing the other... I lost five babies... I choose to see that through those I have found peace and I am able to share God's message of hope and peace.
You will find your answer, I believe that. One day at a time, and one heartache at a time if that's where the road leads. Just remember that God is always there. That he doesn't give us more than we can handle and in the end, if you really want a child, it is worth the heartache. Abraham and Sarah were promised a son... SHE LAUGHED AT GOD'S PROMISE! Because she believed she was too old. Even so, God blessed them as he said he would with Isaac... Imagine the heartache, the hopelessness, the anger... But in the end he did answer them, IN HIS TIME!
I live my life for a purpose, and it's not my own. My hope, my joy, my peace... It comes from God. If you aren't a Christian, please forgive me... But I have been down a road without Christ, and I'm never going back. He is the only peace I find in life. Especially in a life so full of heartache, pain, and disappointment. Through all my depression, through many times in my life, he is the only one that has kept me alive. I give him all the glory!
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers... Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care... Cause some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I'm sure you've heard me mention this before... But it bears repeating. God is there for you. He will answer you and he knows what's best for us... Even if we think we know.
I know all too well that having a girl, having a baby... It doesn't feel that void. Only God can do that. I'm still looking for "things" to fill my voids... Does it make it better? Yes, but like everything, there is good and bad with every decision we make.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that God give you peace like he has me and that one day you get to hold another blessing in your arms. If you want that, I can tell you, it's worth every heartache that you feel you can bare. I would do it all again to have that dream fulfilled!
Sorry for the novel...
HUGS
Tammy,
I sent that to you thinking... OVER AND OVER... about whether or not it sounded right. Whether I needed to change something, add or delete something, whether I was being pushy... Thank you for making me see that it's not what I write but how God intends to use it... I'm glad that my angels are still alive in my being able to witness to others. You can surely use it on your blog. My story is also on my myspace page!
I remember going back and forth with each m/c... Is it God's will for me to be done or am I listening to myself more than him? Do I really want to go back to that baby stage at this point? Each time it just felt right to move forward. It was my healing, having a baby was my only healing in those times. I would move on and pray that the next baby would stay with me.
It wasn't until that 5th m/c that I knew I couldn't keep going, that my dream was about to end if God made that choice for me. It was then too that I knew I would be okay. If I had stopped trying before that I would have regretted it for a lifetime but finally I felt peace with moving on if I did in fact lose another baby.
I wondered that same thing... It felt so right, so real, when everything worked out with the dates and O'ing early. I guess that's why it was so hard to move on after that one. I had believed it was going to be a miracle, it was a vision foreseen... When that miracle died I felt torn. Why would God hurt me like this? Why would he allow this to happen and to give me hope like this? Our miracles aren't always God's!
Now as I look back, I grieve those babies I lost and wonder who they are and what they would have become, but I am thankful for the family I have now. For the space I have between my sons and Lydia. I am a very stressed person lately as the boys have gotten more and more involved in things... I don't think I could have handled the stress of having a baby close in age to Thaddeus. He is a very hard child... Had i had a baby when he was two as I planned, I would have been in a nut house! All things work together for good to those that love the Lord!!! I can and do attest to that. Never would I wish those struggles upon anyone but in the end, for me, it has been a blessing in many ways. I have found the answer to my problems which I wouldn't have even found if I hadn't meant my RE or went back to him when I got pregnant again after the 5th m/c... I would have went through years or depression, laziness, tiredness, being freezing cold even in the summer, migraine headaches... All those things that made me feel like a lousy mother were cured by one Dr. A Dr. that I never would have went to if I never had problems with mmc's. So in the end those mc's were the solution to many areas of my life.
I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you... Having a D&C is so hard going in, and waking up... But in the end it is much less of a rollercoaster than doing it natural. My husband felt like we were giving up on God because the day before that we had the u/s and he felt he saw a flutter of some sort at the u/s... I told him, that was my chance to say goodbye before my baby was given up to God. One last time to see my child and for that I was greatful. I knew it was over and I couldn't hold onto that thought even if he wanted to. You will make it through. If you don't get an answer for it to be done tomorrow just take that time to talk to that baby. He's still there and he's still a part of you.
You will find the answers. Seek him and believe that he knows your pain, he knows your hearts desire and in the end he will give you an answer.
HUGS

July 22, 2008 still

I'm sorry. I don't have it in me to really post so these are things I have posted else where-

I went in today to try to do the first tri screening again only to find out the heart wasn't beating. I noticed it right away. The tech looked and look, even tried turning on the blood flow and there was none. I just talked to my dr and it will be 2 weeks before I can get the D&C. He is going to figure out what tests we did last time and what ones need to be done. I asked him about just giving me somethign to jsut make it happen on it's own and he is going to think about it. He is afraid that I will bleed to much and get into trouble, end up in the ER, and have to go through a D&C anyway. He said that the baby is big enough that I will know it when I see it should that happen. He is going to talk with his partner tomorrow when he is at the office (he called me from home) and see what she thinks and then call me to let me know and to tell me when the D&C will be.
I just want this nightmare to be over. I can't believe I am doing it again. I don't know what is going on but by the sounds of it they think it could be something really serious causing this. One of which can be helped and the other can't. They think it could be (but VERY unlikely) a genetic problem that DH and I are passing down and we jsut got lucky the first 4 times when we have a 50/50 chance at a healthy baby or it could be anitbodies to some thing I cant remember (or pronounce) and that just means I will have to be watched and treated should I get pregnant again. Or it could be nothing and just one of those things because M/C are very common. I feel like I wasted $500 on clothes and a doppler. Dh wants to get fixed because we said no matter what this was it. I don't know what the right thing to do is. If the tests come back that there is something really wrong we probably won't have anymore. If it's something easily treated or just one of those things, I don't know what we will do. Maybe leave it up to God and just not care either way. I don't know. I just don't know.

July 22, 2008

12 weeks 1 day- No heartbeat
Happy birthday me.

July 18, 2008

Ok so it's really the 19th, but who cares. I sit here in the middle of the night not able to sleep. I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling. After the ultrasound I was very happy. The baby was ok and looked good. The heart was strong and he moved several times. Just not the way we needed him to. So I go back on Tuesday to try again to do the tests. I guess right now I keep thinking about how I have an anterior placenta an how it will affect the pregnancy. I have no one to talk to about this as Chas is asleep so I sit here typing away, not sure if this matters or where this post will go. I can't find any info on anterior placenta (meaning the placenta has attached in the front instead of in the back like is normal) other then it will make it hard to hear the heartbeat with a doppler (great) and that it will make it hard to feel movement (even better) S as if i'm not worried enough I get to look forward to not being able to hear the heartbeat and not feeling the baby move. Yea me.
It just seems so not fair! I am trying so hard to think positive, but it's really not in my nature to do so and that makes it realy hard. Now I'm being told to expect to not hear the heartbeat and to not feel the baby move and just have faith that the baby is still ok!? Yep, this is going to work. How in the world am I going to make it now? How can I go the next 6-7 months knowing that I'm going to be wondering all the time and without even having the smallest comfort in the movements or the heartbeat??
Add to all of this I have really been thinking that I want to know what it feels like to go through the pregnancy and not find out gender until the baby is born but I feel like I have to find out because I cant find any gender neutral clothes! All the stuff that is listed as "unisex" is either pink or blue, has hearts or cars, it looks boy or it looks girl. The only choice I have found is to get yuck green (that really looks boy anyway) or get white t-shirts and onesies! Sense "everyone" finds out at the ultrasound what they are having, they don't have stuff for either. I guess I could just pull out my boy clothes and go with that either way, but I think I will get in trouble for putting a girl in boy clothes. That and Bry really wants to know. So does Lex. They have told me I have to find out but I really don't know if I want to. I think I will go through my baby stuff and see if I have enough stuff to last the baby for a week or two and if I do I just might not find out. I'm sure we are having boy #6 anyway, even though Chas thinks we are having a girl, Maybe I'll jsut not decide. If I happen to find out I find out, if I don't I don't. Thankfully I still have over a month to figure this out...Wow this was all over the place, uh? Well I warned that I had no idea where I was going. At least I feel a little less crowded in thought so thanks for that.

Ultrasound

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

July 17, 2008

Sorry to anyone that has been checking in all day to know how the ultrasound went. Well I have to go back on Tuesday July 22 (my birthday) because Peanut wouldn't roll over! He was sleeping and he had the hiccups. It was so cute! They were so nice to, they found the heartbeat right away for me. And they now make DVDs for everyone. It was so cool. AS for being back at the same hospital- the ride there was hard. I was on the same train and bus that I had taken 8+ months ago. Talk about a flash back. But I was ok over all. Got there and it wasn't a big deal, until they played the lullaby that they play when a baby is born. The first time I heard it I cried. I couldn't help it. After that first time I was ready and it stung but I was ok. So now I go back on Tuesday in hopes that he will be laying right so they can get the measurements they need. I keep thinking that later on it wouldn't be a bad thing if Peanut continued to be difficult with ultrasounds and doesn't let them get all the measurements they need later. It just means I can see him more. Oh an I found out why my doppler can't find the heartbeat. I have an anterior placenta, meaning it has attached in the front and Peanut liks to hide behind it and take his naps. Now I can stop worrying about that at least for few weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to post my DVD, but I have to change the format of it first. When I can I will post a link or the video.

July 14, 2008

2 days 21 hours 11 min until I will be at the hosptial for the first trimester screening and ultrasound. I still havent been able to get the heartbeat with the doppler and it makes me worry. I know that I probably am just to early to hear the heartbeat but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't shake this feeling that the baby is gone and that it's my fault because of everything that has happened this last week. UGH! I hate waiting and not knowing. I jsut want Thursday to come and go already, but at the same time I don't want it to ever get here. I felt this same way with Jay's ultrasound, which just makes me worry more.

July 8, 2008

Ok I know my last post was pretty criptic and in truth I did it that way on purpose. Even though I want this to be on open book, some things jsut have to be kept private, you know? Anyway, things are still complicated and I don't know what will happen now. It really looks like my marriage is on borrowed time. I know that this is really a problem that has just been pushed aside and has been an issue for a very long time now it has just gotten to the point that I can't ignore it or puh it away anymore. I wish it was an easier thing to say that's enough like if there was a drug addiction or something. Those you can see for what they are and you can draw the line, wlk away and no one ever questions that it was the right thing to do. But with this all I have ever gotten are questions about why should I leave or beng told it could be worse (like it could be a drug problem) a lot even tell me that I should just put up with it because of what it is. I get told so many things but I can't do it anymore and Chas knows that. Because of this it has torn us apart many times but because of what others say I always forgive and come back. I have way to much I'm dealing with right now and I can't keep doing this too. Between kids, baby, school, people at school, other people, and now Chas some thing has to give. I can't give up school because that is what will ive the kids a better life and give me the choice to not put up with other stuff. I can't do anything about peopel at school or other people that I run into. All I can do is make a choice to not live like this anymore and out up with it anymore. That is what I am doing. Should things change then I am open to trying again but I'm not going to just ignore it again. I can't do that....
On nother note so far baby seems to be fine (even with all the stress) and I have 8 days until the first trimester screening where I will get another U/S to see thsi little one. hopefully he will have gotten bigger and look realy good inspite of me emotions and stress.

July 5, 2008

As if life isn't hard enough today I found out somethign that makes it even harder. Some thing it's good I know but it changes everything. And no it's not about the baby, but at this point I almost wish it was. I haveheard many many times that the loss of a child has ruined many marrages and i always thought mine would make it through. I guess though we have had our problems from the begining and most didn't think we would make it a year. We almost didn't. Now I sit here not sure what the future holds but knowing I can't do this anymore. History has repeated it's self and I told Chas right after we found out about Jay that should it happen I would have to walk away because I can't do this again. I have way to much right now to worry about and the truth is with everything I think I have fallen out of love anyway. I knowit sounds bad but losing Jay was the wrost thing that has ever happened to me and Chas seems to be able to just push it aside like it never happened. This is our baby for crying out loud and he doesn't even care! Add to it the repeat and I'm done. I can't keep going knowing that this is how life will be. For now I am stuck though. I have no where to go, no way to support the kids, and no way to put them in daycare even if I did. After Peanut is born that will be different and I won't be trapped anymore. For now I stay, not by choice but because I have to. If I"m being honest I know part of what caused the repeat is me and how I am (not) handling everything but I also know it is not my fault. It was a choice he made, not me. I don't really have any tears to shead over this. Ireally don't. Sure a few have fallen but not because of how things are, but because of the boys and Peanut. It's not fair that they should have to go through this but I can't sit by and let them grow up thinking it's ok either. So here I sit a part of a statisic, one more that has fallen to the loss of a child but that probably would have fallen anyway. I cry for my kids and what they will go through, I cry for Peanut because he/she probably won't really know his/her dad like the others do. I cry for Sky who won't really remember and for Cam because he won't really either. I cry for Bry and Lex because this will be really hard on them. They all love their dad so much as they should and now they will hate me forever for taking him away when in truth their dad has pushed me away and I guess I pushed him too. And now lines have been crossed that can never be taken back. It's over and I don't know what to do. My heart still breaks for Jay and his could care less. Myheart is filled with worry for Peanut and he thinks I'm crazy for worrying because what happened to Jay was just a "fluke" I'm tired of being alone in this and now that lines have been crossed it doesn't really matter anymore. I have enough people that don't care or understand and think I am crazy I don't need it from the one that should be my safe place to fall, the arms that should hold me when I cry. And now that life has fallen apart again I'm not going to fight to keep it anymore. I'm not going to say any more that is just how he is and he probably feels somethign deep inside that he hides. I'm done with the lies. I'm done.

July 3, 2008

I realized the other day that when I go in on July 17th for the first trimester screening it will be the first time I will be at the hospital sense we lost Jay. I have to go to the same hospital and be on the same floor that he was delivered. I'm not sure how I am going to feel about this. i have to go back there for the 20 week ultrasound and to deliver as it's the only hospital my doctor works out of. I don't know how to do this. At least my aunt was able to watch the kids on July 17th so Chas can go with me. He knows it will be hard for me and he won't hold it against me if I cry the whole time we are there. I hope the staff will understand too. This is such an important test to me that I really have to do this. It has great odds and detecting genetic problems so to get the answers and be able to put that behind us and move forward is a big deal to me. Of course all knowing will do is help me get ready should it be bad news. If God forbid we were to be told Peanut had something that will kill him I would hold out as long as possible on delivering him/her so I could see and hold him/her like I wish I woul have done with Jay. I guess only time will tell on what happens. My doppler still won't pick up the heartbeat which is no surprise as it's still really early but I can't help but hope that it doesn't mean the worst.

June 29, 2008

Approching 9 weeks pregnant.
I have been feeling very guilty lately. Bry and I keep calling this baby Jay without even thinking about it. We both always say oopes and get upset, but still. We know this baby isn't Jay, but it stil slips out. I know other people do it too. I guess I've done this everytime I've been pregnant. Without thinking I will think of the baby as the last child but this time is seem worse I guess. Aside from that I have desied what I want for my birthday although I'm sure I'm not going to get it. I want a gift certificate to Fetal Fotos. It's an ultrasound place just up the street from where I live (ok there are several but there is one just up the street) They do 3D/4D ultrasounds and I would love to have one now that this is our last baby. And if I could get an ultrasound around 17 weeks it would make me feel much better (for a moment anyway) as that is when Jay's heart stopped. I think I will go crazy waiting until 20 weeks for an ultrasound. In about a week I should have a good chance at hearing the aby on the doppler too so that will help make me feel better. I guess just having the doppler will have to be enough to get me through the 16-20 week mark.

June 22, 2008

So I sent this e-mail out to family and a few friends and I post it here for others to read as well. The first part is an unexpected response from Chas' mom and step-dad Dean followed by the original e-mail.

If you weren’t included in the original email Charlie out, you should scroll to the end and read it first before proceeding to read our response to him.

Charles,

We have a Father in Heaven who’s greatest joy is to bring His spirit children to this earth, which is His creation for enriching the experiences His children will have in preparing for a richer eternal life when we return back to Him. To quote Him, “This is My work and My Glory to bring to pass the immortality and ETERNAL Life of man.” He also said, “It is Life eternal to know Him and His Son Jesus Christ and understand the saving mercies provided by His atoning sacrifice.

So, Charles my son, your chosen path to bring more spirits the opportunity of having an earthly body and progression towards an understanding of who they are, why they are here and where they can reach in their eternal progression is a divine pathway and you should never apologize for the greatest of all potential you can provide for those spirits you bring into this world.

It’s true you may loose a child or two along the way, but you have God’s promise that during Christ’s 1,000 year reign on earth you will be able to raise those children to maturity and great will be your joy. That is why it is so important to learn as parents what you can do to teach these children how to learn about the GOD who made this all possible. God wants each and every one of his children to learn and grow towards Him that we might be like Him for that will bring the greatest happiness you can ever have and it will be yours throughout all eternity and beyond.

During my fight for life with the open heart bypass surgery I can testify that I came to know Jesus Christ and My Heavenly Father personally. I know They live and have their hands outstretched towards us. All we have to do is learn of them and ask them for their help. I felt buoyed up by the faith and prayers of all of you, and I know Charles he will be with you and especially Tammy for all your efforts to help His divine plan to be fulfilled.

You have your mother’s blessing, my blessing, and YOUR FATHER IN HEAVENS BLESSING… what more could you ask! Keep us in the loop as the birth progresses.

Love, Dean

Charlie,
Amen to what Dean said. I love you and totally understand how you feel. I had to go through the same agony as you every time I found out I was pregnant. I always dreaded having to make “the announcement.” I learned a long time ago that lack of money or material possessions should never be a reason for limiting the size of our families…so long as there is enough love to go around, that’s all a child really needs to survive…and you do a great job at spreading the love! I don’t regret having any of my children because my children and my grandchildren have brought me both my greatest agony, but also my greatest joy.

I love you all and we’ll certainly keep you in our prayers. Thank you so much for not keeping this from me. We’re a family and we need to act like one and stand together!

Love, Mom


From: Charles Adams [mailto:adams312@msn.com] Sent: Sunday, June 22, 2008 12:31 PMTo: Aaron Hopkins; Abe Eggett; becky adams; Dean&Lorna Morrison; Marie; Rachel BarnettSubject: Dear family and friends

Dear everyone,
We are writing this letter full well knowing how most if not all of you will feel about what we have to tell you, yet hoping that you can find it in your heart to put that aside and offer your thoughts and prayers. 3 weeks ago we found out that we are unexpectedly pregnant and we view this as such a blessing and a miracle. The truth is we had thought it was no longer possible to have another baby because of the toll it took on Tammy's body after losing Jay and had turned it over to God and we were ready to close that door forever when we found out that our family isn't complete. Like we said we know that most if not all of you feel that we have to many kids as it is and are stupid for continuing to have them, but we ask that you put that aside and pray for our little one to make it. For those that don't know on Oct 30, 2007 we had a 20 week (5 month) ultrasound for our baby Jay and at that time we were told Jay had been dead for 3 weeks. 2 days later the evening of Nov 1, 2007 we checked into the hospital so they could induce labor. The morning of Nov 2nd Jay was born still and all tests came back that there was no reason for what happened. Because of that there is no way to know if it will happen again or how to prevent it. That is why we are asking for prayers in this trying time.
Thank you in advance,
Love,
Tammy, Charles, Bryson, Alex, Camren, and Skyler

P.S Please forward to others

June 20. 2008

I realized today that I never said how I told Chas about the baby. It was actually really stupid. He didn't know I was going to test or anything and I took the test when he was not here and had taken Bry to school. So I was trying to think of a really great way to tell him but the truth was I was to scared to think of anything cute or fun or even happy. I had posted the picture and post before I ever told Chas about the test. So Chas and I are really wierd people in the fact that we text each other even though we are in the same house, the same room, or even sitting next to each other. So I was sitting next to him an I sent him a text message that said some thing like "Can we make it through anything?" He sent back some thing like "Yea, we have made it through everything so far" and so I sent back "even this new adventure we are going to be on?" and at that point he looked at me and asked what I was talking about, so I told him he needed to read my blog more. LOL Not really the best way to tell him or even very creative. I really wish I could have done something else but my heart just wasn't in it. I was so scared and I needed to lean on him and have him tell me it was all going to be ok. He saw the picture before he read anything so he pulled me into him and held me while he read. He really thought/thinks this is a great thing and I do too. I'm just scared and he refuses to be. He is very optimistic an i'm vey pessimistic we kind of even out that way. So he is thinking that everythign will be ok and in Feb we will have a hapy healthy (girl) baby. Me I'm realistic, which to him is negative. I say that anything can and does go wrong. So far it looks like we will have a baby in Feb but anything can happen to change that. I'm not sure if I said this already but Chas thinks we are having a girl because 1) we have had 5 boys and the odds are a girl has to show up some time. You can't "win" them all basically 2) he really wants a girl 3) the due date is (was) my grandma's birthday and we had planned on naming a girl after my grandma. I am sure we are having a boy for no other reason then we have had 5 boys. Sure I would like a girl (for reasons I said before) but lets be realistic again- I've had 5 boys, it's going to be anther boy. The only "sign" I have that MIGHT mae me think girl is my cats because the animal old wives tale is the only one that has been right for me every time. For those that don't know the animal old wives tale as I call it is that when pregnant with a boy female animals will be around as much as ossible and male animals will avoid you. If you are pregnant with a girl male animals will be around you and female animals will not. (No i'm not going to say which way it is going right now, sorry guys)

June 17, 2008

I left home around 12:30 becasue I jsut couldn't sit around any longer. I went and got my hair cut and went to the library to pass the time and so I wouldn't think about it. I got to the doctors office and t wasn't long before the took me back. I had told my friends earlier that I really had to do this by myself so I went alone. As I layed there I made sure i could see the screen really well and instantly I could see the gestational sack when she started- and it was empty. I couldn't stopthinking about how that just had to be wrong, but I saw it over and over as she was looking for everything she had to measure. She even pointed it out to me as the sack and measured it so I know I was seeing the right thing. I couldn't breathe, I jsut kept thinking that couldn't be right. Then after what seemed like forever she zoomed in on the gestational sack and pointed out the baby. I still couldn't see a heart beating, but then she pointed to this little flicker that I thought was made by the machine. She focused on it and turned on the sound. The first try didn't work very well although you could kind of hear some thing, but the second try was very load and clear. I couldn't hol back the sob and tears that cam out. The tech asked me if I was ok and I told her I was jsut so happy and relieved. It was the most perfect thing I had ever heard. And she was even nice enough to go back and get me a picture after she had taken all the measurements she needed to and Peanut is measuring really slose to what I thought he would, 7 weeks. The best part is that my due date has been changed to Feb 2nd which was my grandma's birthday. We had planned on naming a little girl after her so to me it seems like a sign that I will have a healthy baby at the end. Oh and I get to go in fr the first trimester screening in 3-6 weeks (which inludes an U/S) and then I have another one at 20 weeks and my doctore wants me to scheduale both of them tomorrow! Oh it is going to be so hard knowing when they will be and counting down the days!!!
And how could I forget what I know everyone wants to see-
Introducing Peanut-

June 16, 2008

I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!
6 hours........6 hours.......6 hours....... That's all that's left until the U/S, until that horrible U/S that tells you life or death......The moment that you know that time stands still and you can't think, you can't feel, you can't do anything but stare at a screen as they put the goop on your belly and wait and watch for a flicker a blink any movement and all too often people see none..... I don't think I can do this, sure I have friends that are taking me and will gladly go in with me if I want them to, but I think I have to do this on my own. I think I have to face this by myself. I just can't breathe. I don't want to go, I don't want to do this. I'm just going to go climb into bed and pull the covers over my hed and live in denial. Yea, thats it. If I don't go I never have to know either way and I don't have to let go should I have to. If only I could. Chas would never let me get away with it, niether would my friends that are picking me up....Maybe I'll just call and tell them not to come, tell them that I'm going to go by myself and that I'll just meet them at school, yea that's it and then I'll just forget to go. Yea. Ok I know I sound crazy, but I don't care! I can't do this I just can't go there when I know that those things tell people their dreams are gone, their baby has no life. I can't go through that again. I've done it twice now I can't do it again I just can't....I can't..

June 14, 2008

To everyone that keeps aking if I want a girl and the people that tell me I have to have a girl or that they hope I get a girl- YES, I WANT A GIRL BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO BRING HOME A HEALTHY BABY!!!!!! Ok there I said it. But it's not for the reasons everyone thinks (which is why this fits in Jay's story) I want a girl so that no one can tell me we have to give him Jay's name because Jay was just a miscarriage, I want a girl so no one, not even me, is going to be thinking or wondering if that is what Jay would have been like or looked like. I don't want ot have to worry about being afraid that life is going to repeat itself because I'm having another boy. I don't want to have myself or anyone look at the new baby and think even for a second that he is Jay or that he could be Jay come back to me. I want a girl so that I will never ever compare the new baby to Jay or so that no one can say I replaced Jay. You can't ever replace a child, ever and I don't want anyone to think that is what we did. This baby is here because it is meant to be here. It is it's own person, not in anyway Jay and I want to make sure everyone knows that.

June 13, 2008

What makes people say the things they do? I mean really? The things people sy to me is just crazy. Like today I told someone I was pregnant again so I could lean on them and get support as I strugle through this. I admitted that they were right and I wasn't ready for this, but when it happened I really truly didn't think it was possible or would ever be possible again. I really truly thought God was sending me a message that I would never have another baby. I had excepted that I was working to be happy with my life as it is when I found out it was going to change. Anyway, I sent them a text message on one of my breaks at work and what follows are the messages I got back.
Text 1- Im sorry thar it is so confusing maybe Mon will answer some ?s maybe ur hormones r whacked out or smthing plz keep me posted
Text 2- As much as we hate it maybe yr body just cant do another baby u sure havent had easy pregs I am sooo sorry 4 how u feel
ea, it realy sounds like your sorry and I'm ure you hate to admit it. Ok I know these comments came out of love and they weren't meant to hurt, but it still hurts. It makes me think and feel like it's my fault. Like I failed to take care of Jay and this baby when they needed me the most. It's just so hard to explain, but try I must because as I said in my last post I really want everything out there no matter what. I keep thinking that God wouldn't give me a baby jsut to take it away because i wasn't supposed to have anymore and God wouldn't put me through al of this for no reason. I know without a doubt that God gave me this baby when he did because I just couldn't handle trying anymore and I was going to have Chas go get fixed and move on with life becasue I really truely belived it was time to move on and I would never be able to have another baby and that the child I thought was missing was Jay and not another baby. I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet if I lose this baby complete it wil be because I cn't go through any more pain. Even though I know that there is only one baby in there because there was only one yoke sack it doesn't stop me from day dreaming about there being twins. For some reason I jsut really feel like I'm meant to have twins but I know it's not going to happen because this is it for us no matter what. I guess there is always the chance for a miracle ut I don't think it will ever happen and that sadens me some. The last few days have been crazy. My stomach is still cramping and I keep having the same feelings i had with Jay, but I'm not sure if they are just out of fear. In my heart I realy feel like this pregnancy is going to last were as with Jay I knew it wasn't no matter how much I tried to hide it. I just don't know what to think or what to do. I want to cry, but I don't. I feel like if I cry I'm already giving up on this little one before they had a real chance. Chas got me a doppler and it came today. It is so cool and it does make me feel a little better, and probably more so once I can use it. For those that don't know what I'm talking about a doppler is what the doctor uses to listen to the heart beat at every visit an it doesn't work until about 10-12 weeks pregnant. There seems to be more to say then there are words to say it. Add to that my brain is scrambled from lack of sleep and being hungry and there is no hope for me to really post everything I want to, so with that I will go and eat and then go to bed. Good night.