Nov 2, 2008

One year ago I had to say good bye to you. One year...I'm doing better then I thought I would, but I'm glad I didn't have to really do anything today anyway. I was going to go and let a balloon go to remember but the weather had other plans. There was no way we could do it today. with any luck the weather will be better tomorrow so we can let one go for you. I'm going to light your candle soon and Peanut's too. I went to get the mail today because we had been gone all weekend and found a card from the hospital you were born at letting us know that they remember too. I still miss you with al my heart even if I don't think about it all the time. I don't feel bad about the balloon because I know you understand. Maybe the rain today was you crying too because you miss us. I wish I knew what was in the future as I sit here today. I wish I knew if trying for another baby was the right thing to do or not. I wish I knew what the plan for me was over the next year. Instead I sit here, not sure what to do in the next few minutes for fear it will mess up that plan. I'm not sure were the road is going to go or what path we will follow from here. I've begun to think that we just aren't meant to have another baby in this life, but everytime I think that I feel you there pushing me on and giving me hope some how. I'm trying so hard to not give up, but I feel so alone. I know that I'm not but I feel like it anyway.

I want a baby so bad...I know to so many it doesn't make sense for us to have anymore and many think I'm crazy for the ones I do have, but I can't change what is in my heart. I'm sick of trying month after month and getting my hopes up just to be crushed later. I hate that should I get pregnant I have to walk on glass instead of be happy. What if it doesn't work out? What if I get hurt again?? What if after what if! I jsut want a baby and to be happy but I don't think it will happen any time soon if at all. I just want to know if I'm going to keep getting hurt or actually have a happy ending in some way...and I know that is too much to ask.

I'll always remember you-
James Cadyn "Jay"
Nov 2, 2007