Aug 12, 2008

I give up. I'm not strong enough. I give up. I'm still bleeding 3 weeks later and my doctor has told me that I have to just deal with it and there is nothing that can be done. Add to that he called me yesterday and told me they couldn't do the genetic testing because the cells wouldn't grow like they had to so the test could be done. Between testing, losing Jay and Peanut, school, people at school, problems with Chas, and just life in general I give up. It's time to admit that I"m not as stron as I let people think I am. I called my doctor today to get meds for depression as my thoughts keep going to thinking it would be better to not live any more and to go take care of Jay and Peanut. I want to hold them and be with them and not here because where they are there is no pain and heartbreak. So I made the call today to get help. I am waiting for them to get back from lunch and they wi be calling me to let me know if I need to go in to see the doctor or if they will jsut call the meds in for me to go pick up. I jsut don't know what else to do at this point. Either I feel nothing or I feel too much. I'm lost and sinking fast. And what I keeping thinking is the words to 'praise you in this storm' Im reaching out and I know God is there to catch me, but I have to help myself too.
God, I know you are there. And I know my angels are in your arms, please hold them and care for them until I can. Please give me the strength to go on and to make it through this. I knwo I can't do all of this with out You by my side....