Aug 30, 2008

This will probably be all over the place so I'm sorry ahead of time.
So after 2 negative tests in the last week I started bleeding yesterday. I'm not sure if I would call it AF though as it looks like old blood. I don't know what to think it is, but I know it means I'm really not pregnant. I have been thinking a lot about if I should even be trying again. I want a baby so badly, but i don't know if I can handle going through this again. I have been having these dreams lately about being pregnant and about having a baby. Last night I had one that was very much like the ones I had when pregnant with my 4 boys. With them I had dreams about the next pregnancy and the next baby. With Sky I had a dream of having a baby that was only a few months old and being pregnant. No matter how hard I tried I could not see the baby I had though. I also had dreams of one of my boys being 2-3 and getting a room ready for a baby girl and being huge pregnant, bigger then normal pregnant. At the time I thought it meant that I was going to get pregnant really fast and the reason I couldn't see the baby was because I was wondering if Sky was a boy or girl. Cam was 2-3 at the time and I was sure I was bigger because I was going to have twins. In the first dream Bry had just started school and there was this male teacher. I'm not sure if the teacher was Bry's or not. Well I saw the teacher from my dream last year when Bry was in school. He teachs 4th grade I think. I had never met him before I had the dream though. It was very wierd. Well Last night I had a dream like this. It started off as one of those really weird dreams and at some point it turned into Christmas time. I was looking for a baby blanket to put in this basket and under the tree was all this pink baby stuff, mostly blankets, with a baby sleeping among them. I thought that I couldn't take one of those, it hurt to much. I had to find one from my boys to use. SO I went into the room that my boys stuff was in and there was this baby doll in blue blankets. Well I grabbed one from the doll just to find it was white with pink flowers or something on it. I didn't have time to grab another so I took it. There was also this little girl in the dream that was no more then 5 in a white dress that almost glowed that ripped my heart out. She looked a lot like my boys. I wonder if the girl was Peanut, I wonder if it means at Christmas time at some point I will have a girl or hear that I am having girl. And I wonder if I am just thinking about all of this way to much! The only way for all of them to come true would be for me to be pregnant right now and the blood doesn't make that look good. But then it doesn't explain the girl in white either. I don't know what to think or what to believe. DH isn't sure about having another baby either. I don't know what path to take right now and it sucks and it hurts....