Aug 21, 2008

I was laying in bed last night thinking how nice it would be if come Oct I found out i was not only pregnant but like 8-10 weeks pregnant. Then it hit me how crazy that sounded. First of all if my period were to not come back in the next few weeks I would go crazy with wonder and take a test just so that I wouldn't be thinking that I was just to come crashing down when the witch did show. Not only that but my clothes would probably get tighter and I would be really sick (oh, wait I'm already really sick....) and so on. Although with both Jay and Peanut I was gaining weight before I got my positive test so should it happen again I will be thinking that I will lose that baby too. I'm also stuck with the fact that I don't want to tell anyone that I don't have to tell. Ok I will tell family so they can be there for support as it goes on, but I really don't want to tell anyone else. I will have to tell my teachers of course but I don't want anyone in my class to know. Not even my friends. I know that sounds harsh and mean but the less people that know the less I would hve to untell should it get to that point. If I do get pregnant I'm going to ask the school director if we can jsut tell the teachers and then jsut say I have a medical contraindication so I can't get body work until I know that I can tell people. Because it would be a give away if I had to lay on my side for class (like I would have to) so I jsut want to not tell anyone until I know that the baby will make it. I don't know. Maybe I will just tell everyone and get it over with. If I am already pregnant the farthest I will be at graduation is 20 weeks so who knows. I will jsut have to see how it goes I guess. One another note, last night someone in my class that I'm friends with stopped me. He told me that him and his wife have something for me and that he will bring it tonight. I have no idea what it could be but I guess I will find out. I'm not even going to guess. Ok, I am. It's probably like some food thing or something like that. I will be sure to come back and let you know though. And with that I am going to end this post with a prayer, because it's all I can think of to post-
Dear God, I know I am running on your time and that my life will go where You intend for it to go. I know that I'm not the best person or the most deserving. All I ask is that you take care of those in pain, those that suffer. Please bless my friend A with the baby she so wants. You gave her one before and it was ripped away from her. She deserves to be a mom and she would be a great mom. Please bless her with a little bundle, preferably in blue as she wants a little boy to hold and love. Please be with my friend J as she goes on her journey. She has seen far to much pain and lost far to many. Please be with her and help her through. If you can find it in your heart to give her a bundle of pink, that would be great as she wants a little girl so much and after all the pain her heart has been through with having to say goodbye to so many, it would be a great gift to her. Please be with all my online friends on the board as they travel their roads. Be it to have a baby or to find peace in the life they have been given. Please be with my other frind A as he takes the road he needs to take. Be with him to make him stronger and able to handle the path he has chosen. Be with him as he goes through life and the challenges he will face as he follows his dreams to become the person he wants to be. And lastly, please give me the strength to follow my path whatever it may be and where ever it goes. Please give me the peace I need to be ok with whatever should happen next. I know that You know best, but I really would like it if you would stop trusting me so much with what I can handle. I know I can make it through but I really would like a break and some happiness instead of more trials. I thank you for everything you have given not jsut to me but to all of those I pray for. I am very greatful for my boys and for my angels. I am very thankful for my husband, even though we have our problems we seem to always make it through with your help. I thank you for your love and guidence...........
Thy will be done.
I say these things in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ,
Amen.