Dec 3, 2008

How badly do I want another baby? That is what I am thinking about today. I'm not sure if I can answer that question right now. I have spent the last 19 months trying to add antoher person to our family and so far all that has done is added pain to my life. So here I am, trying to figure out how far I am willing to go to get a baby or if I shoul just stop right now and be happy with what I have. In all honesty for all I know I am pregnant right now, but I'm having a hard time holding onto that thought. Chas keeps getting mad at me because I'm back to thinking that even if we do get pregnant again we won't get to hold the baby in the end...I'm trying so hard to hold onto my new motto but it's not working very well (see below for new motto) I'm trying to just let go and leave it in God's hands. I know he has a plan for me, my family, and all of us. I just can't help but wish it was easier to see and easier to follow. I know I have to let go and jsut trust in Him. If only that was easier to do. Being human makes you want to have some kind of control, makes you want to do everything and anythign you can to get what you want but it doesn't matter in the end. You will get whatever you are meant to get, when you are meant to get it. I know I had to go through everything I have gone through for some reason and I coudl easily sit here and say it was for this reason or that reason but I cold be wrong on them. So instead I sit here oh so confused and wishing for something that I don't have any control over. Although I have to say that if I were to pick one month sense I lost peanut that I thought I had any chance of getting pregnant in it would be this one and not because of anything I have one either. I knew last month it wouldn't happen, but this month it could. That's probably what makes things so much harder now. Feeling like it jsut might be God's time for this to happen and knowing that I will never know what his plan really is...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6