Dec 2, 2008

This day last year I was at my ILs family party, trying to remember to breath and to pretend I was "fine" like I should be...Now I sit here. Still with no baby in sight and trying to figure out how selfish I really am. I am so happy for the boys that I have and I feel like if I keep trying for "one more" than that means I'm not happy with what I have. How long do I keep trying before I realize that it's just not what I'm going to get and I should just get over wanting another one?

Ok my mood is clouded by knowing this year at the ILs Christmas party I will have to be around Chas' teenage neice that is pregnant (yes, you read that right) and the fact that this year I should have my Jay in all that stupid "Baby's First Christmas" junk and that everyone I know seems to be pregnant...There are certain people that it doesn't bother me that they are pregnant like the girl in my class that lost her baby when I found out I was pregnant with Peanut. I jsut found out last night that she is 14 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she will be a great mom. I just wish I was there with her...Or like my friend that I have had forever (that also reads this but never posts- you know who you are!) She told me on myspace that she had somethign to tell me then never did (that was so mean by the way!) and I really hope she is pregnant. I know she would be a wondeful mom. It wouldn't bother me at all. I jsut wish I was there too....but I feel like I never will be. I'm sure I will get pregnant, I seem to be really good at that. But to have another baby? That I doubt...I'm trying to be strong and have faith but right now I jsut don't see it happening. I bought this Pregnancy Journal that I hope to be able to use...Chas asked me how much I would use it and I told him it depends on if I have a happy ending or a sad one...

So here I am, counting down the days to Dec 8th when I have to test because of my class I have that night and dreading it...I know that the chances of getting a positive test that day are slim even if I am, but I have to test just to be sure. I don't want to. Mostly because there is going to be no way to hide it. That night everyone will know that I am and there will be nothing I can do about it. Even if I lose another baby. I won't get to hide it. It's not fair...It's just not fair. I don't knwo what to do at this point. I would love to be able to tell everyone this Christmas that we are expecting and trying to hope for the best, but I don't know if it will happen or not. I'm scared of getting a negative and I'm scared of getting a positive. I jsut can't win right now...