October 7, 2008

I've been avoiding posting, I'll admit it. I'm not really sure what to say to be honest. I'm not even sure how I feel lately. I guess I should start by saying my dreams were wrong, I'm not pregnant. That was a hard day when I realized that. It just didn't make any sense. Now I'm wodnering if we should keep trying at all or even jsut not care if it happens. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but I was worried about trying anymore because of a class I am starting at school next week. It is a type of massage that has been used as an abortion method before. I talked to my teacher and got more info about it and he told me that a full body massage using that type of massage raises the body temp enough that it will fry the baby BUT that we aren't doing a full body massage until class #11 so it would be ok to keep trying until then. I was thinking about just not caring but I had a really bad night last night...There was a 4 day old baby that I saw and there was a LOT of pregnant talk. I had to go outside during our surprise pizza party at school because I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. My best friend and his girlfriend came over last night ot study and I pulled out my maternity stuff for her to see if any of it fit...I really wanted to just give it all to her. I am so sick of this rollercoaster. She made a comment last night that 9 months was too long and all I could think was try being pregnant for 5 months, losig the baby, trying for 6 month, being pregnant for 3 months, losing the baby, and then being back to trying again and see how long it is! I told my best friend that I was thinking about sending all my maternity clothes with them and he told me that I already knew what he would say to that...He knows all too well how badly I want a baby and he isn't going to let me give them my stuff. He wants so badly for me to be pregnatn too, I know he does. He wants so badly for me to not hurt anymore too. I know that and I wish so much tht I wasn't hurting them because of how I feel. I want so badly to jsut be able to take al this pain away and not feel any of it and be abel to be happy for them instead of happy and jealous... I'm not sure what to do but I know I have to figure it out soon. If I were to get pregnant this month I would find out around Oct 30th, the one year for when we found out about Jay and the due date would be around the time we found out about peanut...That is just way to much for me to think about. It gives me hope that it could happen this month but I know that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again this month.