July 18, 2008

Ok so it's really the 19th, but who cares. I sit here in the middle of the night not able to sleep. I'm not sure what I'm thinking or feeling. After the ultrasound I was very happy. The baby was ok and looked good. The heart was strong and he moved several times. Just not the way we needed him to. So I go back on Tuesday to try again to do the tests. I guess right now I keep thinking about how I have an anterior placenta an how it will affect the pregnancy. I have no one to talk to about this as Chas is asleep so I sit here typing away, not sure if this matters or where this post will go. I can't find any info on anterior placenta (meaning the placenta has attached in the front instead of in the back like is normal) other then it will make it hard to hear the heartbeat with a doppler (great) and that it will make it hard to feel movement (even better) S as if i'm not worried enough I get to look forward to not being able to hear the heartbeat and not feeling the baby move. Yea me.
It just seems so not fair! I am trying so hard to think positive, but it's really not in my nature to do so and that makes it realy hard. Now I'm being told to expect to not hear the heartbeat and to not feel the baby move and just have faith that the baby is still ok!? Yep, this is going to work. How in the world am I going to make it now? How can I go the next 6-7 months knowing that I'm going to be wondering all the time and without even having the smallest comfort in the movements or the heartbeat??
Add to all of this I have really been thinking that I want to know what it feels like to go through the pregnancy and not find out gender until the baby is born but I feel like I have to find out because I cant find any gender neutral clothes! All the stuff that is listed as "unisex" is either pink or blue, has hearts or cars, it looks boy or it looks girl. The only choice I have found is to get yuck green (that really looks boy anyway) or get white t-shirts and onesies! Sense "everyone" finds out at the ultrasound what they are having, they don't have stuff for either. I guess I could just pull out my boy clothes and go with that either way, but I think I will get in trouble for putting a girl in boy clothes. That and Bry really wants to know. So does Lex. They have told me I have to find out but I really don't know if I want to. I think I will go through my baby stuff and see if I have enough stuff to last the baby for a week or two and if I do I just might not find out. I'm sure we are having boy #6 anyway, even though Chas thinks we are having a girl, Maybe I'll jsut not decide. If I happen to find out I find out, if I don't I don't. Thankfully I still have over a month to figure this out...Wow this was all over the place, uh? Well I warned that I had no idea where I was going. At least I feel a little less crowded in thought so thanks for that.

Ultrasound

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

July 17, 2008

Sorry to anyone that has been checking in all day to know how the ultrasound went. Well I have to go back on Tuesday July 22 (my birthday) because Peanut wouldn't roll over! He was sleeping and he had the hiccups. It was so cute! They were so nice to, they found the heartbeat right away for me. And they now make DVDs for everyone. It was so cool. AS for being back at the same hospital- the ride there was hard. I was on the same train and bus that I had taken 8+ months ago. Talk about a flash back. But I was ok over all. Got there and it wasn't a big deal, until they played the lullaby that they play when a baby is born. The first time I heard it I cried. I couldn't help it. After that first time I was ready and it stung but I was ok. So now I go back on Tuesday in hopes that he will be laying right so they can get the measurements they need. I keep thinking that later on it wouldn't be a bad thing if Peanut continued to be difficult with ultrasounds and doesn't let them get all the measurements they need later. It just means I can see him more. Oh an I found out why my doppler can't find the heartbeat. I have an anterior placenta, meaning it has attached in the front and Peanut liks to hide behind it and take his naps. Now I can stop worrying about that at least for few weeks. I'm trying to figure out how to post my DVD, but I have to change the format of it first. When I can I will post a link or the video.

July 14, 2008

2 days 21 hours 11 min until I will be at the hosptial for the first trimester screening and ultrasound. I still havent been able to get the heartbeat with the doppler and it makes me worry. I know that I probably am just to early to hear the heartbeat but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't shake this feeling that the baby is gone and that it's my fault because of everything that has happened this last week. UGH! I hate waiting and not knowing. I jsut want Thursday to come and go already, but at the same time I don't want it to ever get here. I felt this same way with Jay's ultrasound, which just makes me worry more.

July 8, 2008

Ok I know my last post was pretty criptic and in truth I did it that way on purpose. Even though I want this to be on open book, some things jsut have to be kept private, you know? Anyway, things are still complicated and I don't know what will happen now. It really looks like my marriage is on borrowed time. I know that this is really a problem that has just been pushed aside and has been an issue for a very long time now it has just gotten to the point that I can't ignore it or puh it away anymore. I wish it was an easier thing to say that's enough like if there was a drug addiction or something. Those you can see for what they are and you can draw the line, wlk away and no one ever questions that it was the right thing to do. But with this all I have ever gotten are questions about why should I leave or beng told it could be worse (like it could be a drug problem) a lot even tell me that I should just put up with it because of what it is. I get told so many things but I can't do it anymore and Chas knows that. Because of this it has torn us apart many times but because of what others say I always forgive and come back. I have way to much I'm dealing with right now and I can't keep doing this too. Between kids, baby, school, people at school, other people, and now Chas some thing has to give. I can't give up school because that is what will ive the kids a better life and give me the choice to not put up with other stuff. I can't do anything about peopel at school or other people that I run into. All I can do is make a choice to not live like this anymore and out up with it anymore. That is what I am doing. Should things change then I am open to trying again but I'm not going to just ignore it again. I can't do that....
On nother note so far baby seems to be fine (even with all the stress) and I have 8 days until the first trimester screening where I will get another U/S to see thsi little one. hopefully he will have gotten bigger and look realy good inspite of me emotions and stress.

July 5, 2008

As if life isn't hard enough today I found out somethign that makes it even harder. Some thing it's good I know but it changes everything. And no it's not about the baby, but at this point I almost wish it was. I haveheard many many times that the loss of a child has ruined many marrages and i always thought mine would make it through. I guess though we have had our problems from the begining and most didn't think we would make it a year. We almost didn't. Now I sit here not sure what the future holds but knowing I can't do this anymore. History has repeated it's self and I told Chas right after we found out about Jay that should it happen I would have to walk away because I can't do this again. I have way to much right now to worry about and the truth is with everything I think I have fallen out of love anyway. I knowit sounds bad but losing Jay was the wrost thing that has ever happened to me and Chas seems to be able to just push it aside like it never happened. This is our baby for crying out loud and he doesn't even care! Add to it the repeat and I'm done. I can't keep going knowing that this is how life will be. For now I am stuck though. I have no where to go, no way to support the kids, and no way to put them in daycare even if I did. After Peanut is born that will be different and I won't be trapped anymore. For now I stay, not by choice but because I have to. If I"m being honest I know part of what caused the repeat is me and how I am (not) handling everything but I also know it is not my fault. It was a choice he made, not me. I don't really have any tears to shead over this. Ireally don't. Sure a few have fallen but not because of how things are, but because of the boys and Peanut. It's not fair that they should have to go through this but I can't sit by and let them grow up thinking it's ok either. So here I sit a part of a statisic, one more that has fallen to the loss of a child but that probably would have fallen anyway. I cry for my kids and what they will go through, I cry for Peanut because he/she probably won't really know his/her dad like the others do. I cry for Sky who won't really remember and for Cam because he won't really either. I cry for Bry and Lex because this will be really hard on them. They all love their dad so much as they should and now they will hate me forever for taking him away when in truth their dad has pushed me away and I guess I pushed him too. And now lines have been crossed that can never be taken back. It's over and I don't know what to do. My heart still breaks for Jay and his could care less. Myheart is filled with worry for Peanut and he thinks I'm crazy for worrying because what happened to Jay was just a "fluke" I'm tired of being alone in this and now that lines have been crossed it doesn't really matter anymore. I have enough people that don't care or understand and think I am crazy I don't need it from the one that should be my safe place to fall, the arms that should hold me when I cry. And now that life has fallen apart again I'm not going to fight to keep it anymore. I'm not going to say any more that is just how he is and he probably feels somethign deep inside that he hides. I'm done with the lies. I'm done.

July 3, 2008

I realized the other day that when I go in on July 17th for the first trimester screening it will be the first time I will be at the hospital sense we lost Jay. I have to go to the same hospital and be on the same floor that he was delivered. I'm not sure how I am going to feel about this. i have to go back there for the 20 week ultrasound and to deliver as it's the only hospital my doctor works out of. I don't know how to do this. At least my aunt was able to watch the kids on July 17th so Chas can go with me. He knows it will be hard for me and he won't hold it against me if I cry the whole time we are there. I hope the staff will understand too. This is such an important test to me that I really have to do this. It has great odds and detecting genetic problems so to get the answers and be able to put that behind us and move forward is a big deal to me. Of course all knowing will do is help me get ready should it be bad news. If God forbid we were to be told Peanut had something that will kill him I would hold out as long as possible on delivering him/her so I could see and hold him/her like I wish I woul have done with Jay. I guess only time will tell on what happens. My doppler still won't pick up the heartbeat which is no surprise as it's still really early but I can't help but hope that it doesn't mean the worst.