Sunday, May 3, 2009

May 3, 2009

To find out or to not find out?

Every day I think of new reasons to find out or to not find out so I'm going to argue with mysef for a minute (and others can feel free to join in too)

1- We have always found out before. The only times we didn't find out was because the baby was gone so we couldn't. And I have a really hard time the last 2 months of pregnancy because I have what one Dr called an "irritable uterus" which doesn't quite cover it for me but whatever. Basically I go into labor very well but I also go out of it very well. So I will have several hours of contractions that get closer together and are very regular but I don't dilate and they will stop before I can get to the hospital (I've been lucky enough to make it to the hospital in labor once just to have it stop after I was all hooked up to an IV and everything so I was induced anyway) So seeing as how the last 2 months are so hard, the last month the worst, maybe having something like this to look forward to would make it not so bad instead of jsut waiting for {insert name} to come I am waiting to see who it is that is coming.

2- Everyone will focus on gender instead of a healthy baby. Everyone I know in real life keeps telling me they hope I get a girl when asked to pray for a healthy baby. When asked I tell them the truth, that after losing 2 babies I can't even think about gender I jsut want to know my baby is healthy and ok. I ask them to pray for a healthy baby and they always answer the same thing "I'll pray you get a girl" WTF???? I don't want people to know what we are having until after Casper gets here so I don't have to hear how great it is that I'm having a girl or how sad it is I'm having another healthy boy. I really truely feel like there are several people I know that if I were to say "I'm having a girl but she is very sick and we will be lucky if she lives to birth much less if we even get a day with her" to which they would say "You are having a girl!!! That is so great! Who cares that she is sick at least you are having a girl!!!" UGH!

3- In truth I do want a girl. It would be nice to have my own daughter and not jsut my step daughter that we see once every few months. Chas and my boys really want a girl too. So much so that my Lex is afraid he will hate a boy just for being a boy (I went through this with Bry when Sky was born and they have been best friends since he was born but anyway) Lex is so afraid that we have to keep the gender a secret from him until he has had time to hold Casper and fall in love with him before finding out boy or girl (he asked us to do this as one of the many options we gave for ways to help him not hate another brother) I went through a really hard time after finding out Sky was a boy and I hate myself for it. I don't want to go through that again when I know in the end I will love my baby no matter what or to hate myself the whole time because I know how lucky I am to be having a baby that is healthy so I really shouldn't care what is between their legs.

4- (the newest thought) I've been looking at baby stuff online to try to get an idea of how much things will cost and it is much cheaper to get stuff that is for a girl then it is to get stuff for a boy which is cheaer then stuff that is gender neutral!!! There is a travel system for a girl that it like $119 but the cheapest gender neutral one I cna see myself with is almost $200!!!! That's a big difference. Add to that I would forever be upset that I brought my only girl home to yellows and greens instead of being able to put her in pinks and purples and stuff with flowers and such. And should we have a girl there is another girl being born any day now in the family that we might be abel to get hand me downs from too but who knows how fast they will get rid of them, but that brings me back to not wanting people to think only about the gender! Sigh. The biggest thing for this arguement is that if we are having a girl after 5 boys then it would be nice to have girl stuff and girl stuff is cheaper too. I keep thinking maybe I could find out and then buy stuff and hide it from everyone but I would have to tell my aunt at least because we are living with her so she would see all of it and then the boys would know so who knows how long it would stay a secret.

5- If we do find out and hear boy like in the dream I had yesterday then I would feel really bad because I would tell no one but if we hear girl I might tell people just so I can start getting hand me downs so I don't have to buy as much if anything. Maybe I would even get lucky enough to have someone throw me a baby shower becuase I'm having a girl after 5 boys. Who knows? I would also feel bad about hearing boy because all of my arguements are about hearing girl and getting ready for a girl. Should we hear boy I will have to lie to everyone so Lex doesn't find out so he can fall in love with Casper before deciding he hates another brother.

6- Back to the dream, I have had a dream with every living baby of mine that told me the gender and it has always been right so I feel like I already know what I'm having and I just have to prove it. Given that I probably wouldn't believe it even if they did say girl or at birth if they told me girl. I would think for sure that there was a mistake.and it's not really my baby.

Chas thinks we should just not find out. That the reasons to not find out are better then the reasons to find out. He's probably right but it doesn't change the way I look at it right now. sigh. I don't know what to I really want to know or do I really want to wait? I don't know how to decide. First I want to know my baby is ok and I don't want mysef or others to get wrapped up in gender but I don't think I can stand to wait until Oct either. I'm not that patient. I would be begging Chas for a 3D ultrasound by July to fnd out gender. I just know I would. So arguing with myself continues...I just can't make up my mind