Jan 9, 2009

Another year. Wow. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I kpet meaning to, but stuff kept happening. First my power cord had a short, then my internet was out, and that was all during the holidays and after finals. ugh. It was crazy. Hopefully I can get caught back up with this post.

So last month I was late...but AF still showed up. I had a very faint line on a hpt, then I was late. I wonder if I lost another one and just will never know. It's not fair. I spent the holidays really down. It would have been Jay's first Christmas, I would have been expecting Peanut in a few weeks. It just sucked all around. I finally gave up. I decided there was no hope left. I was never having another baby and I had to be ok with that. As hard as it was to except I had gotten there. I was really ok. I was able to get rid of baby stuff without it hurting. Sure there is some things I still can't get rid of and I might never be able to. Even if I were to have another baby, I might not ever be able to get rid of that stuff. So it sits in a box, locked away for now. Then yesterday something happened (that was my fault) that set me back again. I am no longer "ok" and it sucks.

Yesterday I called my dr office to find out how long was too long and the lady I talked to (the nurse and dr weren't in) said that 20 months is too long (duh) and didn't even pay attention to the fact that I had 2 losses in there, both of them kind of later on. So I had an appointmetn for today to go in and see if the dr wanted to do anything. Well Chas couldn't get time off work so I had to cancel it. That was it for me being "ok" I had been given hope again and now it is gone again. It's not fair.

Ok so that's caught up in the shortest way possible. Here I sit-hopeless and wondering how much longer I should even bother. What seems to be the point?

I threw a big temper tantrum last night (it can't be called anything else) and I almost destroyed everything in my box of stuff I can't get rid of. I have this pregnancy journal that I bought last month in there. I almost ripped it to pieces, but Chas stopped me. It's just too hard...

Add to all of this my adoptive father, who is the biggest jerk in the world, is dying from cancer in his pancreas. The chances of living through this are less then 5% although no dr will admit that to him or my mother. I know because of school and talking to a teacher there that teaches about this stuff. Actually as I was typing this post I got a call that he has "gone sideways" as my younger brother put it. Basically he has had blood clots in his legs and in his lungs. They have been trying to get rid of them but now it seems the blood clots in his legs are "causing problems" and he is in "gaurded but serious condition" and the next 7 hours are going to determine if he will make it or not...Like I said this guy is a real piece of work but still...I"m not sure how I feel right now. I had decided that I was going to take a trip over there to see him one last time and let him see the boys. Only I won't have the money to do that until March when I get tax returns back. Now I don't think I will have the chance. I thought Iwas only doing it for the kids, but I guess I really needed to go too. Now I don't think I will be able to. It just sucks...

I'm dealing with way to much. I don't know how anyone can handle all of this. I pray for strength. I know something has to give at some point. I just don't know what that something is going to be and I pray I can make it through when it does.