Jan 26, 2009

So I've been doing really good staying positive, but I think my positive thoughts have run out. I jsut might be too much of a pessimist to be abel to think positive. I'm still trying, but it's not working very well. The biggest reason for that is I started temping and watching my cycle again this month to give us the best chance of getting pregnant but it doesn't look like I'm going to ovulate which means I can't possibly get pregnant. Sigh. I'm starting to wonder if I need to jsut give up and be happy with my life as it is. I wish I could see into the future and know where my road is supposed to go and the ending for if I keep following the path I'm on. I just want this so bad, but maybe it's not the right thing and I need to let go. I don't have the answer and I wish I did...

Jan 23, 2009

So I'm better today. Last night Chas and I talked (a little) and I know he is jsut trying to protect me (even though he doesn't come right out and say it) I crashed really hard after Jay and even harder after Peanut. And every month that goes back gets harder too. I'm sure it can't be easy on him to see me like that month after month, over and over. So now here I sit. Back to looking to the positive. It doesn't hurt anymore to think positivly then it does to be ready for the bad so I'm going to think happy thoughts and be positive that it will happen this month and I'll have my twins in my arms in Oct =)

I can see it all perfectly. I can feel it. I live it over and over in my mind. It WILL happen. I know it will. =)

Jan 22, 2009

This is messages Chas and I have sent back and forth today...It seems only fair to put it here...take it as you will....

[10:14:34 AM] Tammy A: are you there???
[10:15:33 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073533
[10:17:48 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073539
[10:18:12 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073538
[10:18:43 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073523
[10:18:52 AM] Tammy A: Don't mind me...
[10:20:02 AM] Tammy A: I think if we have the money I'm going to buy one of these with tax returns. They are so cute.
[10:21:12 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073534
[10:21:59 AM] Tammy A: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073537
[10:34:25 AM] Charles T. : the last 2 I liked
[10:35:08 AM] Tammy A: But none of the girl ones?
[10:35:29 AM] Charles T. : the last one could be a girl one
[10:35:43 AM] Tammy : yea. I guess...
[10:36:20 AM] Charles T. : the third one too
[10:36:36 AM] Tammy A: I don't really like the forth one very much...
[10:37:03 AM] Tammy A: These 2 are my favorites-
[10:37:13 AM] Tammy A: for a boy- http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073537
[10:37:14 AM] Charles T. A: if you notice the ones I like were the dark wood, not the white wood
[10:37:36 AM] Charles T. A: 1,2 and 4 were white
[10:37:49 AM] Tammy A: I'm not talking cribs, I'm talking blankets
[10:37:58 AM] Charles T. A: oh
[10:38:02 AM] Tammy A: for a girl- http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3073533
[10:38:11 AM] Tammy A: relook at the bedding
[10:38:42 AM] Charles T. A: well last 2 are still my fav
[10:38:56 AM] Tammy A: Why don't you like any of the girl ones??
[10:39:24 AM] Charles T. A: guess its just the whole me being a guy and them being pink
[10:39:32 AM] Charles T. A: nothing against girls
[10:40:01 AM] Tammy A: But they are brown and pink! I don't like pink very much either but when we find out we are having girls we should have some pink at least
[10:40:49 AM] Charles T. A: of the pink I would still say #3
[10:41:33 AM] Tammy A: these are the cribs I'm looking at but I really don't like them very much. They are jsut cheep. But I'm thinking maybe we should spend money on the babies instead of renewing our vows because I don't think anyone will come anyway...
[10:42:12 AM] Tammy A: That's more pink then the one I liked
[10:43:24 AM] Charles T. A: they blend together better, instead of big contrast
[10:43:37 AM] Tammy A: I like the contrast I guess
[10:43:39 AM] Charles T. A: at least on the blanket
[10:44:38 AM] Tammy A: I still like the first one better
[10:45:02 AM] Tammy A: Do you think oen crib or 2 for twins?
[10:45:07 AM] Tammy A: *one
[10:45:55 AM] Charles T. A: IF its twins, they could get away with sharing one for a few months, but would eventually need a second one
[10:46:23 AM] Tammy A: Yea that's what Iwas thinking. And they would be happier sharing at first probably.
[10:46:37 AM] Tammy A: It would mean we couldn't use a bassanet too
[10:46:45 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[10:46:48 AM] Tammy A: Which would save some money in the short run
[10:46:54 AM] Charles T. A: we chucked our anyway right
[10:47:07 AM] Tammy A: yea, it was gross so we would have to buy a new one.
[10:47:57 AM] Charles T. A: sara's b-day tomorrow
[10:48:02 AM] Tammy A: ok
[10:48:19 AM] Tammy A: I like this crib but not the price so much- http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2857719
[10:49:11 AM] Charles T. Adams: ok you remember the episodes of full house with the twins?
[10:49:24 AM] Charles T. Adams: like the first few
[10:49:33 AM] Tammy Adams: yea
[10:49:54 AM] Charles T. A: you remember the first time Jesse had them all to himself?
[10:50:33 AM] Tammy A: yea. Are afraid that that you won't be able to tell our twins apart?
[10:50:41 AM] Charles T. A: partly
[10:51:04 AM] Charles T. A: I think its any parents dread with at least identical
[10:51:09 AM] Tammy A: I've got that all figured out :D
[10:51:35 AM] Charles T. A: anklets?
[10:52:01 AM] Tammy A: I'm going to paint their toe nails different colors. One color will always be for one and another color always for the other
[10:52:17 AM] Tammy A: Or anklets works too. I jsut figured nail polish is cheeper
[10:52:26 AM] Charles T. A: not really
[10:52:35 AM] Tammy A: why not really?
[10:52:48 AM] Charles T. A: just make the anklets like you do the bookmarks
[10:52:58 AM] Tammy A: I knew you would say that.
[10:53:01 AM] Tammy A: We will do both
[10:53:10 AM] Tammy A: Nail polish and anklets
[10:53:22 AM] Charles T. A: (doh)
[10:53:37 AM] Tammy A: Does that make you more willing to hope with me? Knowing I won't let either of us get them mixed up?
[10:53:43 AM] Tammy A: What was the face for?
[10:54:05 AM] Charles T. A: well I typed in ( doh )
[10:54:15 AM] Tammy A: ok what was that for?
[10:54:17 AM] Charles T. A: a little homer actions there
[10:54:22 AM] Tammy A: ??
[10:54:24 AM] Charles T. A: about doing both
[10:54:28 AM] Tammy A: oh...
[10:54:38 AM] Charles T. A: noooooo....Doh!!!!
[10:54:47 AM] Charles T. A: not oh, doh
[10:54:57 AM] Tammy A: you don't like that idea? What if the anklets come off? We have to have a back up
[10:55:24 AM] Tammy A: Nail polish I can keep up with pretty easy but if they both fall off we are in trouble
[10:55:39 AM] Tammy A: Unless we color code their clothes which will be pretty pricy
[10:55:53 AM] Charles T. A: maybe we would get lucky and have fraternal twins and get 1 boy and 1 girl
[10:56:18 AM] Tammy A: I was jsut thinking that but again that would be pretty pricy. WE would have to buy every thing for a boy and a girl all over again
[10:56:44 AM] Charles T. A: um new clothes either way
[10:57:55 AM] Tammy A: But with 2 girls they can share unless you want to color code them
[10:58:20 AM] Tammy A: Off topic for 5 sec- didn't your mom make one of your sister's wedding dresses?
[10:58:28 AM] Charles T. A: they can share some
[10:58:41 AM] Charles T. A: I think, but don't remember
[10:58:55 AM] Charles T. A: if so I think it was rachels
[10:59:26 AM] Charles T. A: rachel got married in the backyard there in clearfield
[10:59:27 AM] Tammy A: That's what I thought. Back to fighting :*
[10:59:33 AM] Charles T. A: lol
[11:00:14 AM] Tammy A: Do you mean a boy and girl can share some or that we will color code and they can share some??? :^)
[11:00:40 AM] Charles T. A: if the same sex they can share some of the clothes
[11:01:21 AM] Charles T. A: but for the most part I would image do some form of color coding
[11:01:42 AM] Charles T. A: at least at first until they get personality :P
[11:02:11 AM] Charles T. A: brb
[11:19:46 AM] Tammy A: wow- http://www.netkidswear.com/babycribtwins.html
[11:20:40 AM] Charles T. A: I would have to agree on that wow
[11:20:57 AM] Tammy A: coudl you imagine putting babies in that thing??
[11:21:20 AM] Charles T. A: its like your storing them away till later
[11:21:31 AM] Tammy A: LOL
[11:21:43 AM] Tammy A: (Ok that didn't cover it..)
[11:22:21 AM] Tammy A: Ihave this picture in my mind that Ican't even explain at that comment
[11:22:38 AM] Charles T. A: maybe something more on the linbes of ROFLMFAO
[11:23:08 AM] Tammy A: it's like "Hey Bry can you go to the pantry and get me this or that for dinner and while your at it grab me a baby or too to add in"
[11:23:25 AM] Tammy A: *two
[11:23:39 AM] Charles T. A: now that deserves and ROFLMFAO
[11:23:44 AM] Charles T. A: *an
[11:24:11 AM] Tammy A: Or "Oh we don't need a toy box we can jsut store their toys with them"
[11:24:20 AM] Charles T. A: lol
[11:24:35 AM] Tammy A: Oh no I don't have to worry about it, they are safly packed away
[11:26:57 AM] Tammy A: I want to go all out this time with baby stuff sense it will be our last
[11:27:12 AM] Charles T. A: k
[11:27:57 AM] Tammy A: I figure to renew our vows most of the money will go to my dress and clothes for everyone. Next would be the invites because Ireally want to buy them instead of make them
[11:28:06 AM] Tammy A: and everything else we can work with, right?
[11:28:31 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[11:28:39 AM] Tammy A: OkI guess the cake would be another big price item
[11:28:44 AM] Charles T. A: yeah
[11:28:53 AM] Tammy A: what were you going to say?
[11:29:07 AM] Charles T. A: ??
[11:29:22 AM] Tammy A: you started to type something and then jsut typed yea to the cake comment
[11:29:51 AM] Charles T. A: don't remember typing something else
[11:29:55 AM] Tammy A: ok never mind
[11:29:59 AM] Charles T. A: you were seeing things again
[11:30:07 AM] Charles T. A: :D
[11:30:23 AM] Tammy A: That family friend that made your mom's cake woudl se charge us for anything more then the supplies do you think?
[11:30:43 AM] Charles T. A: not likely
[11:30:54 AM] Tammy A: Then maybe we will have to jsut do that
[11:31:13 AM] Tammy A: And find out how many of your family members will help by making food
[11:31:21 AM] Charles T. A: if we cam get her and is still in that business/still has her stuff
[11:31:36 AM] Charles T. A: *can, not cam
[11:31:37 AM] Tammy A: good point
[11:32:24 AM] Charles T. A: its something I would talk to my mom about, she still talks to her every so often
[11:32:38 AM] Tammy A: am I keeping you from working?
[11:32:45 AM] Charles T. A: not really
[11:32:48 AM] Tammy A: ok.
[11:33:24 AM] Charles T. A: they have me going through extra computers here and making not of who the user was on them
[11:33:43 AM] Charles T. A: kinda taking my time so that it helps to fill the day
[11:33:55 AM] Charles T. A: nothing else to do right now
[11:33:58 AM] Tammy A: oh, I'm having a hard time finding a crib I like.
[11:34:16 AM] Charles T. A: we can worry about cribs later
[11:34:25 AM] Charles T. A: prices will change as will the styles
[11:35:01 AM] Tammy A: yea, but I'd like to know about how much we are going to be paying and the styles won't change much between now and Sept.
[11:35:49 AM] Charles T. A: and as much as we want to keep thinking on the positive side I don't wanna buy one until you only have like 2 months left
[11:36:07 AM] Tammy A: I know...me too
[11:36:31 AM] Charles T. A: so don't worry about it till then
[11:36:49 AM] Tammy Adams: sigh..it keep me busy though and keeps me thinking positive
[11:37:02 AM] Charles T. A: go read LOTR
[11:37:14 AM] Charles T. A: that will keep you busy for a while
[11:37:23 AM] Charles T. A: at least a few days
[11:42:26 AM] Tammy A: Ijust paid the past due on the power so it doesn't get turned off
[11:44:25 AM] Charles T. A: k how much we got left?
[11:44:35 AM] Tammy A: Not sure.
[11:58:07 AM] Tammy A: sigh
[12:15:24 PM] Tammy A: Why won't you just think positive with me this one month?
[12:23:28 PM] Charles T. A: you know me pesimistic to the end....:P lol
[12:23:29 PM] Charles T. A: jk
[12:23:41 PM] Charles T. A: :P
[12:26:10 PM] Tammy A: I'm serious?
[1:06:18 PM] Charles T. A: gonna go get some food
[1:07:58 PM] Tammy A: ok
[1:30:28 PM] Charles T. A: back
[1:30:37 PM] Tammy A: ok...
[1:30:46 PM] Tammy A: Is there such a thing as too positive?
[1:30:54 PM] Charles T. A: maybe
[1:31:01 PM] Tammy : just maybe?
[1:31:47 PM] Charles T. A: well if it never hurts to consider the negitive, just don't dwell on it
[1:32:31 PM] Charles T. A: there is a fine balance with being positive and negative
[1:33:07 PM] Charles T. A: being positive about everything and never considering the negative can be bad
[1:33:50 PM] Tammy A: Well yeah, but would you rather I'm like this or like I have been??
[1:34:26 PM] Charles T. A: like this
[1:34:38 PM] Tammy A: ok so go with it and dream with me, please
[1:34:49 PM] Charles T. A: much prefer you being positive than the usual negitive
[1:35:09 PM] Tammy A: so why are you being negative when you are normally positive?
[2:02:22 PM] Tammy A: I think we will just buy 2 of these when we get tax returns- http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=5223408
[2:03:16 PM] Tammy A: The price is for 2. That way we will have one for all of the boys, of course we will have to get Sky a car seat still but it's a better price to buy them 2 at a time then just one at a time.
[2:04:07 PM] Charles T. A: not a bad price
[2:04:14 PM] Tammy A: Nope it's not
[2:05:05 PM] Tammy A: I think we will just get one of these to start with for twins- http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=7790503
[2:05:27 PM] Tammy A: And IF we have jsut one then we will get a travel system
[2:06:10 PM] Tammy A: That way we can get cute carseats and not have to worry about if they fit the stroller (that and double strollers that will fit 2 car seats cost like $200)
[2:09:18 PM] Tammy A: Sigh. I'm trying to figure out how to get the stuff I want without anyone finding out we know the genders...
[2:17:43 PM] Tammy A: Cam lsot one of the AAA batteries and the mouse batteries died. I found some in the drawer that aren't rechargable but who knows how good they are
[2:18:23 PM] Tammy A: I want this one- http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10603517&findingMethod=rr
[2:18:43 PM] Tammy A: So much that we jsut might buy it with tax returns anyway and save it for when we need it
[2:23:10 PM] Tammy A: sigh. your gettin mad at me.
[2:34:31 PM] Tammy A: WALMART HAS THE SET I WANT!!!!!!
[2:34:44 PM] Tammy A: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=7811386
[2:36:12 PM] Tammy A: And instead of $124.99 it's only $89.96!
[2:36:20 PM] Charles T. A: nice
[2:36:43 PM] Charles T. A: I do like the all in one crib, just not the price
[2:37:14 PM] Tammy A: Yea, I don't like the price either, but it is cheeper then buying all the stuff by it's self though.
[2:37:22 PM] Charles T. A: yeah
[2:37:36 PM] Charles T. A: and sturdier than just a crib
[2:37:40 PM] Tammy A: Yea it is
[2:37:46 PM] Tammy A: They have this one too- http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=7811387
[2:37:57 PM] Tammy A: And others that weren't on babies r us
[2:38:08 PM] Tammy A: It's a sign!
[2:38:11 PM] Tammy A: (wasntme)
[2:38:26 PM] Charles T. A: your funny
[2:39:22 PM] Tammy A: Oh come on! What are the chances of finding that set at Walmart for so much less??? I have never seen the same stuff at walmart that babies r us has. Never!
[2:39:29 PM] Tammy A: At least not like this anyway
[2:40:34 PM] Tammy A: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=10242512 http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=8222512 http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=6324142 http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=9239974 http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=7811388
[2:40:52 PM] Tammy A: That's all of them that they have that are 10 piece sets
[2:42:07 PM] Tammy A: They have the one you liked too
[2:44:06 PM] Tammy A: Your still not going to let me get it, uh???
[2:44:49 PM] Charles T. A: nope
[2:45:15 PM] Tammy A: I say, that sense I'm going to be pregnant by then and everythign will be going fine, we will be able to hear the heart beats by the time we are done buying everything, you should let me get it, and I'll even get the one that can go for either instead of getting the girl or boy one....
[2:45:25 PM] Tammy A: You really need to give me this much....
[2:46:38 PM] Charles T. A: I don't mind saving the money for it, but until it is to a point that we are for sure having a baby, I don't wanna buy anything
[2:46:56 PM] Tammy A: But it coudl be gone by then!
[2:47:06 PM] Charles T.A : or even look to much into it
[2:47:22 PM] Charles T. A: it could be gone in 2 weeks for all we know
[2:47:40 PM] Tammy A: FINE
[2:51:43 PM] Charles T. A: I am not trying to be mean or anything
[2:51:55 PM] Charles T. A: so sorry if that is how its coming across
[2:52:26 PM] Tammy A: I'm jsut trying to be positive and your killing it with all your negative thinking....
[2:52:50 PM] Charles T. A: I am trying to be realistic, not negative
[2:53:07 PM] Tammy A: I figure IF it's still there and we can get it come April when we have bought everythign else I will be at 12 weeks (assuming I get pregnant this month) so we should get it before it's gone...
[2:53:30 PM] Charles T. A: and right now we don't even know if you will get prego before we say thats it and call it
[2:54:08 PM] Charles T. A: when/if you get prego we can look at it more
[2:55:31 PM] Tammy A: fine....
[2:57:05 PM] Tammy A: What's the point in even trying then? Why bother? Why not jsut stop now and forget it? Why are we even bothering to try and get pregnant when you seem to know that there is no hope of having another baby anyway?
[2:57:50 PM] Tammy A: I guess I wastes the money to up grade my account on fertility friend in hopes of getting pregnant because it doesn't matter anyway. Even if it does happen we will jsut be faced with even more heart break so why even bother???
[3:04:15 PM] Charles T. A: don't be like that
[3:04:28 PM] Tammy A: How should I be then???
[3:04:58 PM] Tammy A: Your telling me that I shouldn't look or even bother dreaming because there is no hope so how should I be?
[3:05:03 PM] Charles T. A: keep looking forward, I don't mind if you look at stuff, I just don't wanna buy anything just yet
[3:05:54 PM] Tammy A: Oh yeah, because we really have the money for you to be worried that Iwould buy something...
[3:06:01 PM] Tammy A: You need to make up your mind.
[3:06:45 PM] Tammy A: One minute you are telling me to not even look at anything or dream or anything because there is no reason to even hope until I'm far enough along that the baby can live if I go into labor and now your saying to go ahead nad look but not to buy anything
[3:06:59 PM] Charles T. A: yeah well tax returns are around the corner and I know you wanna be buying that stuff with some of that money
[3:07:28 PM] Tammy A: after everything else is bought I don't see a problem with it assuming I'm pregnant by then
[3:08:23 PM] Tammy A: But you don't even want to think about me getting pregnant and you are doing everything you can to get me to stiop thinking that itwill happen and jsut except that we are done having kids and that I'm never going to have another baby, so what's the point in what we are doing??
[3:08:52 PM] Tammy A: WE should jsut start preventing now and get it over with sense you think I'm so broken I will jsut kill our baby again
[3:09:20 PM] Charles T. A: I did not say that and I am not thinking it
[3:09:36 PM] Tammy A: You don't have to say it
[3:09:40 PM] Charles T. A: nor will I think it
[3:09:55 PM] Charles T. A: you are not broken
[3:10:00 PM] Tammy A: You have made it very clear you think we have no chance of having another baby
[3:11:35 PM] Tammy A: So fine we will just stop trying and I'll stop dreaming and hoping because there is no hope anyway
[3:15:23 PM] Charles T. A: I am going to stop discussing it until we can talk face to face about it, because I am apparently putting out the wrong message with trying to talk about it through IM
[3:16:30 PM] Tammy A: fine. but there's no point talking face to face. I got the message. No hope, give up, no chance. I got it
[3:17:19 PM] Charles T. A: that is point, you have gotten the wrong message from what I have been saying
[3:19:17 PM] Tammy A: And you know what? Your right. What's the point in trying anymore anyway? We have been trying for almost 2 years and the only thing that has heppened is I have proved I can't take care of our babies and I kill them. Why bother putting another one threw that?
[3:19:54 PM] Charles T. A: you take excellent care of our babies/kids
[3:20:07 PM] Charles T. A: YOU didn't kill them
[3:20:23 PM] Charles T. A: we have no clue what happened in either case
[3:20:46 PM] Tammy A: only that they died for no reason
[3:20:59 PM] Tammy A: they were perfectly fine
[3:21:37 PM] Tammy A: so the only option is that I didn't take care of them and give them what they needed
[3:21:44 PM] Charles T. A: yeah they died for no reason and it was unexplained, but it was certainly nothing you did or could have stopped
[3:23:12 PM] Charles T. A: for all we know their spirits weren't quite ready for this world yet and they still had something left to do in heaven before they came to us
[3:23:39 PM] Tammy A: see? your doing it again!
[3:24:01 PM] Charles T. A: what?
[3:24:01 PM] Tammy A: That kind of thinking is what makes me want twins so badly.
[3:24:42 PM] Tammy A: I keep hearing that over and over and know that there are 2 spirts that are coming to us and yet we are only getting pregnant one more time so I jsut have to have twins or we will only get one of them!
[3:28:03 PM] Charles T. A: which candy can't get anywhere on time?
[3:28:13 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:28:21 PM] Charles T. A: choco-late
[3:28:35 PM] Tammy A: I was thinking now and later
[3:28:53 PM] Charles T. A: where does an alien get its milk?
[3:29:03 PM] Tammy A: the milky way
[3:29:09 PM] Charles T. A: yep
[3:29:14 PM] Tammy A: duh
[3:29:25 PM] Tammy A: still not helping...
[3:29:32 PM] Charles T. A: which president was the biggest ham?
[3:29:37 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:30:01 PM] Charles T. A: abra-ham(lincoln of course)
[3:30:34 PM] Charles T. A: what kind of ship never sinks?
[3:30:38 PM] Tammy A: you won....I can't see it anymore...no matter how hard I try...it's gone...
[3:30:42 PM] Tammy A: ?
[3:30:47 PM] Charles T. A: friendship
[3:33:32 PM] Tammy A: I should stop looking at wedding stuff too because there is no way we can come up with the money for that anyway...
[3:36:25 PM] Tammy A: mouse is dead...Bry will have to use your computer to play when you get home
[3:43:44 PM] Tammy A: where are you getting all these from anyway?
[3:44:05 PM] Charles T. A: laffy taffy
[3:44:35 PM] Tammy A: thought so
[3:47:40 PM] Tammy A: I guess this is how Jay's story ends...no hope...not the message I was hoping to send but I guess it can't be helped......
[3:58:01 PM] Charles T. A: so two guys walk into a bar....
[3:58:04 PM] Charles T. A: OUCH
[3:58:15 PM] Charles T. A: they should have ducked
[3:59:03 PM] Charles T. A: sorry I am not being very clear today...I forgot to drink my Windex
[4:03:30 PM] Tammy A: your being very clear

And just like that my positive thinking is gone...I'm back to being my pessimistic self...

Jan 21, 2009

So I did something today that I don't do. I went back and read posts I wrote a year ago. I noticed that the month I got pregnant with Peanut all my posts are about not wanting another baby and being scared it will happen again. And even after I found out that I was pregnant they all talk about losing another baby. I'm not going to do that again. I'm only letting positive thoughts in this time.

By Halloween I will be holding my twins! I'm going to get pregnant this month and they are going to be just perfect!

As hard as it is for me to be optimistic, I know that I have to be. I can't let all the negative thoughts predict my future anymore. Life is going to be good. I'm to the point where I can get my pregnancy massage certification and then start working toward my dream. And I'm going to have my twins this year and they are going to be the cutest! I'll take them to the Christmas party and everyone will think they are the cutest! Everyone will be oohing and aahing over them and life will be perfect.
=)

Jan 20, 2009

I've been feeling so many things lately. Most of them I'm not even sure what they are. So much seems to be going on. Chas wants to not limit ourselves to only 3 more months. He wants to keep trying until he is fixed. I think this is mostly because he doesn't want to use any other form of birth control though. Sigh.
I'm finding that it is very hard for a pessimist to stay positive, but stay positive I must. Every time my thoughts seem to go negative I take a deep breath and imagine how great it will be to get a BFP this month and have my twins by the end of the year =)

Jan 14, 2009

It seems now I have way to much time so it's easier to post more often. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

So another month is gone, only 3 more cycles left to keep trying and then that's it. If I don't have a baby by the end of the year Ijust won't have another one. Like I mentioned in my last post Ihave this thing with the movie The Secret right now. It jsut makes so much sense to me. The only problem is that there is so much emotion behind what I want- both good and bad. So I'm not sure which one will win. I have been spending time today visualizing myself in the moments of when I get my BFP, being at the U/S, and at the delivery. Thankfully I have a really good imagination so it all seems very real. I always end up so happy that I'm crying. I really hope that emotion is strong enough to get results fast. It just has to be. The only problem I have is that Ican't seem to decide on what gender I want the twins to be. That is making it hard to really see the delivery in full and the moments after. I keep going back and forth from 2 girls to a girl and a boy. Money wise it woudl be better to go for 2 girls because Ihave gotten rid of everything so I would only have to buy girl stuff that they could share, other wise I would have to buy both boy and girl stuff. Although if I REALLY wanted to think about money I would give up having another one as a bad idea anyway. I've also been going back and forth on when I get pregnant with my twins if I want to tell people we are having twins or not. Of course, then I couldn't even post it here because a lot of people I know IRL read this....hmmm I will have to figure that out. But for right now all my thoughts, all my energy, every emotion I can is getting put into getting pregnant with twins and having them happy and healthy and in my arms in Oct. The law of attraction. This is going to work. =)

Jan 12, 2009

20 months.

That's how long it has been sense we decided to have another baby.

As another month is passing now I keep trying to think that it will happen in time. But time has almost run out. In June Chas will get fixed and that will be the end of it. Either I will have a baby by the end of the year or I will never have one again. I called my dr's office again today and talked to the nurse. She told me that I should come in and see if the dr can help in anyway. I only have 3 months left though, what if I put all that effort into trying just to have it do nothing? Then I might as well have just done nothing only I will have spent so much money on stuff to try to make it work. As much as I want to do everything I can, I know it won't change anything. Nothing I do or don't do won't change the way this ends. I just wish I knew for sure how it would end.

I watched the movie "The Secret" not too long ago and I've been trying to use that. Every time it doesn't happen though I can't help but wonder if it really does work, then I stop myself and keep telling myself it will happen.

For those that haven't seen "The Secret" I really recomend you do. It jsut might change your life. Basically it is about the law of attraction, meaning whatever we think about we bring into our lives. So I'm asking anyone and everyone that reads this please start thinking that I'm going to get pregnant with happy healthy twins and be holding them by the end of the year. Maybe if enough of us think it, it will happen faster =) At the very least it can't hurt, right?

So AF should be here on Weds. I caved and took a dollar store test last night and got a bfn so I'm sure I'm out this month, and I'm ok with it. Probably because of my positive thinking. So stick with me now while I do something that the movie suggests.

It's Valentine's day 2009. Chas and I are sitting together and the boys have gone to bed. I'm over the moon and just waiting for the perfect time to tell him that I'm pregnant. He has no clue because I've been so careful to not let on. When I tell him he is just as happy as I am.

It's March 12, 2009, Chas' birthday. I've been to the dr and they did an U/S. They found 2 heartbeats. All I told Chas was that everythign looked good. Today is when I tell him that we are having not one but two. Even though he has told me that he doesn't want twins, he is still happy, shocked, but happy.

It's June 3rd, 20 weeks. I have made it this far and everything looks great. The twins are still doing great and everything is wonderful. Chas really wants to know the genders but we decide to not find out. Although we ask for gender shots anyway in an envelope. I'm really good at telling gender so we can still find out ;)

It's Sept 30th, 37 weeks. I've made it to full term and am being induced today. The twins are still doing great but because there are 2 of them it's not a good idea to wait any longer. They are born on Oct 1st. Both perfect and healthy. We bring them home a few days later and life is just perfect. =)

Jan 9, 2009

Another year. Wow. Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I kpet meaning to, but stuff kept happening. First my power cord had a short, then my internet was out, and that was all during the holidays and after finals. ugh. It was crazy. Hopefully I can get caught back up with this post.

So last month I was late...but AF still showed up. I had a very faint line on a hpt, then I was late. I wonder if I lost another one and just will never know. It's not fair. I spent the holidays really down. It would have been Jay's first Christmas, I would have been expecting Peanut in a few weeks. It just sucked all around. I finally gave up. I decided there was no hope left. I was never having another baby and I had to be ok with that. As hard as it was to except I had gotten there. I was really ok. I was able to get rid of baby stuff without it hurting. Sure there is some things I still can't get rid of and I might never be able to. Even if I were to have another baby, I might not ever be able to get rid of that stuff. So it sits in a box, locked away for now. Then yesterday something happened (that was my fault) that set me back again. I am no longer "ok" and it sucks.

Yesterday I called my dr office to find out how long was too long and the lady I talked to (the nurse and dr weren't in) said that 20 months is too long (duh) and didn't even pay attention to the fact that I had 2 losses in there, both of them kind of later on. So I had an appointmetn for today to go in and see if the dr wanted to do anything. Well Chas couldn't get time off work so I had to cancel it. That was it for me being "ok" I had been given hope again and now it is gone again. It's not fair.

Ok so that's caught up in the shortest way possible. Here I sit-hopeless and wondering how much longer I should even bother. What seems to be the point?

I threw a big temper tantrum last night (it can't be called anything else) and I almost destroyed everything in my box of stuff I can't get rid of. I have this pregnancy journal that I bought last month in there. I almost ripped it to pieces, but Chas stopped me. It's just too hard...

Add to all of this my adoptive father, who is the biggest jerk in the world, is dying from cancer in his pancreas. The chances of living through this are less then 5% although no dr will admit that to him or my mother. I know because of school and talking to a teacher there that teaches about this stuff. Actually as I was typing this post I got a call that he has "gone sideways" as my younger brother put it. Basically he has had blood clots in his legs and in his lungs. They have been trying to get rid of them but now it seems the blood clots in his legs are "causing problems" and he is in "gaurded but serious condition" and the next 7 hours are going to determine if he will make it or not...Like I said this guy is a real piece of work but still...I"m not sure how I feel right now. I had decided that I was going to take a trip over there to see him one last time and let him see the boys. Only I won't have the money to do that until March when I get tax returns back. Now I don't think I will have the chance. I thought Iwas only doing it for the kids, but I guess I really needed to go too. Now I don't think I will be able to. It just sucks...

I'm dealing with way to much. I don't know how anyone can handle all of this. I pray for strength. I know something has to give at some point. I just don't know what that something is going to be and I pray I can make it through when it does.