Oct 31, 2008

I haven't been avoiding posting, I promise. I really wanted to post yesterday but I was way to busy. Even at that I only have a moment so this will be quick, but I will be back on Sun to make a really good post.

So yesterday made one year frm when I found out Jay was gone. I was ok for the most part. I was at the school with Lex for his Halloween party (because they don't have school today) so I had a moment were it hit me that last year I was at Bry's halloween party with Jay inside me but gone...Then last night at school it hit me hard. I was sitting in class and out of no where I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was being crushed. It was right before break and so I kept telling myself I jsut had to make it until then. As soon as we went to break I ran out of the room and outside for air. It was all I could think of doing. I got outside and started to hyperventalate (sp?) and almost passed out. I had to tell my teacher and be late getting back from break. Thankfully he understood and gave me the few minutes extra I needed to pull myself back together. So anyway, For the most part I am ok. I'm starting to wonder if we will ever have another baby or not and that makes it even harder to get through this weekend, so I try to not think about it. I have so many friends that are standing by my and holding me up (you all know who you are and thank you so much!) Even the friends I don't see or talk to very much, I know you are there. So many are pulling for me and Chas and I am greatful. Thank you every one.

One last thing before I go, we are on our last month of being able to safetly try to get pregnant because of classes I have in Dec and I'm not sure the path we will take after that so please be thinking about us and praying/hoping I know the right choice to make should I have to make it.

Oct 24,2008

"One time is all it takes."

How many times have we all heard that? That's what they teach in schools andany safe sex class actually "One tim is all it takes" Ok sure some times one time is all it takes but lets be honest- you onyl have a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant every month. For the majority of couples it takes 3-6 months to get pregnant and for a lot it can take a year or more! And for those that have been trying they know that "one time is all it takes" actually means setting your alarm just to wake up and reach for that stupid basal body temp thermometor and stick it in your mouth while laying in bed wishing you could go to the bathroom but knowing that if you do it will mess it up and praying that you didn't sleep with your mouth open. And then you find out that discharge that you have always hated is actually a good thing and that without it you can't even get pregnant so instead of getting upset when your underwear gets soaked with it you get excited because it means you now have a chance and you call your husband to come home on his lunch so you don't risk missing out that month. And then there's the fact that you have to install security cameras all over the house jsut to watch your husband to make sure he isn't wasting his swimmers. And for the ones that have been trying to long you figure out that there are more then just X and Y sperm and that your chances have a lot to do with what your guy is thinking when the deed is done. Like if he thinks you have been spending too much time with the mailman or pool boy then he will have a ton of suicidal sperm that don't care who's side the other sperm are on. If they are there, they must die. Of course men have these anyway, but they have more of them if in any part of there brain they think there is a chance you have been with someone else. Add to that what I call the terrorist sperm. These are the ones that are a few genes short of set but race ahead of all the other sperm to infiltrate the egg first. They get all nice and cozy making you so comfortable and happy in your new future just to explode the bomb or crash the plane. That's when reality hits and you realize that you are miscarrying...(for the record, yes I know it can be the egg that is a few genes short but it's much funner to blame the sperm so don't burst my bubble)

"One time is all it takes" Only for the lucky few the rest of us have to learn way, way, WAY too much and still come up short.

October 7, 2008

I've been avoiding posting, I'll admit it. I'm not really sure what to say to be honest. I'm not even sure how I feel lately. I guess I should start by saying my dreams were wrong, I'm not pregnant. That was a hard day when I realized that. It just didn't make any sense. Now I'm wodnering if we should keep trying at all or even jsut not care if it happens. I'm not sure if I mentioned this or not but I was worried about trying anymore because of a class I am starting at school next week. It is a type of massage that has been used as an abortion method before. I talked to my teacher and got more info about it and he told me that a full body massage using that type of massage raises the body temp enough that it will fry the baby BUT that we aren't doing a full body massage until class #11 so it would be ok to keep trying until then. I was thinking about just not caring but I had a really bad night last night...There was a 4 day old baby that I saw and there was a LOT of pregnant talk. I had to go outside during our surprise pizza party at school because I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't want to cry in front of everyone. My best friend and his girlfriend came over last night ot study and I pulled out my maternity stuff for her to see if any of it fit...I really wanted to just give it all to her. I am so sick of this rollercoaster. She made a comment last night that 9 months was too long and all I could think was try being pregnant for 5 months, losig the baby, trying for 6 month, being pregnant for 3 months, losing the baby, and then being back to trying again and see how long it is! I told my best friend that I was thinking about sending all my maternity clothes with them and he told me that I already knew what he would say to that...He knows all too well how badly I want a baby and he isn't going to let me give them my stuff. He wants so badly for me to be pregnatn too, I know he does. He wants so badly for me to not hurt anymore too. I know that and I wish so much tht I wasn't hurting them because of how I feel. I want so badly to jsut be able to take al this pain away and not feel any of it and be abel to be happy for them instead of happy and jealous... I'm not sure what to do but I know I have to figure it out soon. If I were to get pregnant this month I would find out around Oct 30th, the one year for when we found out about Jay and the due date would be around the time we found out about peanut...That is just way to much for me to think about. It gives me hope that it could happen this month but I know that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again this month.