Aug 30, 2008

This will probably be all over the place so I'm sorry ahead of time.
So after 2 negative tests in the last week I started bleeding yesterday. I'm not sure if I would call it AF though as it looks like old blood. I don't know what to think it is, but I know it means I'm really not pregnant. I have been thinking a lot about if I should even be trying again. I want a baby so badly, but i don't know if I can handle going through this again. I have been having these dreams lately about being pregnant and about having a baby. Last night I had one that was very much like the ones I had when pregnant with my 4 boys. With them I had dreams about the next pregnancy and the next baby. With Sky I had a dream of having a baby that was only a few months old and being pregnant. No matter how hard I tried I could not see the baby I had though. I also had dreams of one of my boys being 2-3 and getting a room ready for a baby girl and being huge pregnant, bigger then normal pregnant. At the time I thought it meant that I was going to get pregnant really fast and the reason I couldn't see the baby was because I was wondering if Sky was a boy or girl. Cam was 2-3 at the time and I was sure I was bigger because I was going to have twins. In the first dream Bry had just started school and there was this male teacher. I'm not sure if the teacher was Bry's or not. Well I saw the teacher from my dream last year when Bry was in school. He teachs 4th grade I think. I had never met him before I had the dream though. It was very wierd. Well Last night I had a dream like this. It started off as one of those really weird dreams and at some point it turned into Christmas time. I was looking for a baby blanket to put in this basket and under the tree was all this pink baby stuff, mostly blankets, with a baby sleeping among them. I thought that I couldn't take one of those, it hurt to much. I had to find one from my boys to use. SO I went into the room that my boys stuff was in and there was this baby doll in blue blankets. Well I grabbed one from the doll just to find it was white with pink flowers or something on it. I didn't have time to grab another so I took it. There was also this little girl in the dream that was no more then 5 in a white dress that almost glowed that ripped my heart out. She looked a lot like my boys. I wonder if the girl was Peanut, I wonder if it means at Christmas time at some point I will have a girl or hear that I am having girl. And I wonder if I am just thinking about all of this way to much! The only way for all of them to come true would be for me to be pregnant right now and the blood doesn't make that look good. But then it doesn't explain the girl in white either. I don't know what to think or what to believe. DH isn't sure about having another baby either. I don't know what path to take right now and it sucks and it hurts....

My family

I wanted to share this video of my boys, husband, and even me in the background. They are just being funny.

Aug 21, 2008

I was laying in bed last night thinking how nice it would be if come Oct I found out i was not only pregnant but like 8-10 weeks pregnant. Then it hit me how crazy that sounded. First of all if my period were to not come back in the next few weeks I would go crazy with wonder and take a test just so that I wouldn't be thinking that I was just to come crashing down when the witch did show. Not only that but my clothes would probably get tighter and I would be really sick (oh, wait I'm already really sick....) and so on. Although with both Jay and Peanut I was gaining weight before I got my positive test so should it happen again I will be thinking that I will lose that baby too. I'm also stuck with the fact that I don't want to tell anyone that I don't have to tell. Ok I will tell family so they can be there for support as it goes on, but I really don't want to tell anyone else. I will have to tell my teachers of course but I don't want anyone in my class to know. Not even my friends. I know that sounds harsh and mean but the less people that know the less I would hve to untell should it get to that point. If I do get pregnant I'm going to ask the school director if we can jsut tell the teachers and then jsut say I have a medical contraindication so I can't get body work until I know that I can tell people. Because it would be a give away if I had to lay on my side for class (like I would have to) so I jsut want to not tell anyone until I know that the baby will make it. I don't know. Maybe I will just tell everyone and get it over with. If I am already pregnant the farthest I will be at graduation is 20 weeks so who knows. I will jsut have to see how it goes I guess. One another note, last night someone in my class that I'm friends with stopped me. He told me that him and his wife have something for me and that he will bring it tonight. I have no idea what it could be but I guess I will find out. I'm not even going to guess. Ok, I am. It's probably like some food thing or something like that. I will be sure to come back and let you know though. And with that I am going to end this post with a prayer, because it's all I can think of to post-
Dear God, I know I am running on your time and that my life will go where You intend for it to go. I know that I'm not the best person or the most deserving. All I ask is that you take care of those in pain, those that suffer. Please bless my friend A with the baby she so wants. You gave her one before and it was ripped away from her. She deserves to be a mom and she would be a great mom. Please bless her with a little bundle, preferably in blue as she wants a little boy to hold and love. Please be with my friend J as she goes on her journey. She has seen far to much pain and lost far to many. Please be with her and help her through. If you can find it in your heart to give her a bundle of pink, that would be great as she wants a little girl so much and after all the pain her heart has been through with having to say goodbye to so many, it would be a great gift to her. Please be with all my online friends on the board as they travel their roads. Be it to have a baby or to find peace in the life they have been given. Please be with my other frind A as he takes the road he needs to take. Be with him to make him stronger and able to handle the path he has chosen. Be with him as he goes through life and the challenges he will face as he follows his dreams to become the person he wants to be. And lastly, please give me the strength to follow my path whatever it may be and where ever it goes. Please give me the peace I need to be ok with whatever should happen next. I know that You know best, but I really would like it if you would stop trusting me so much with what I can handle. I know I can make it through but I really would like a break and some happiness instead of more trials. I thank you for everything you have given not jsut to me but to all of those I pray for. I am very greatful for my boys and for my angels. I am very thankful for my husband, even though we have our problems we seem to always make it through with your help. I thank you for your love and guidence...........
Thy will be done.
I say these things in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ,
Amen.

Aug 12, 2008

I give up. I'm not strong enough. I give up. I'm still bleeding 3 weeks later and my doctor has told me that I have to just deal with it and there is nothing that can be done. Add to that he called me yesterday and told me they couldn't do the genetic testing because the cells wouldn't grow like they had to so the test could be done. Between testing, losing Jay and Peanut, school, people at school, problems with Chas, and just life in general I give up. It's time to admit that I"m not as stron as I let people think I am. I called my doctor today to get meds for depression as my thoughts keep going to thinking it would be better to not live any more and to go take care of Jay and Peanut. I want to hold them and be with them and not here because where they are there is no pain and heartbreak. So I made the call today to get help. I am waiting for them to get back from lunch and they wi be calling me to let me know if I need to go in to see the doctor or if they will jsut call the meds in for me to go pick up. I jsut don't know what else to do at this point. Either I feel nothing or I feel too much. I'm lost and sinking fast. And what I keeping thinking is the words to 'praise you in this storm' Im reaching out and I know God is there to catch me, but I have to help myself too.
God, I know you are there. And I know my angels are in your arms, please hold them and care for them until I can. Please give me the strength to go on and to make it through this. I knwo I can't do all of this with out You by my side....

Aug 8, 2008

I have meant to post for days now but I jsut haven't had time. So I got back all the blood work and it was all normal. I will get back all the genetic testing that was done on Peanut in about another week so until then I just wait. I'll try to come on and let everyone know what I am told. Sorry there isn't more to this post today. I have a lot of emotional stuff going on other then just losing Peanut so I'm not really sure what to post other then what I have.