May 25, 2008

He's not coming back. I know he's not. In my head I know all to well that he's gone and he's not coming back so why can't me heart get the message? My uncle lost his wife a year ago and he said the other day that reality is setting in and she's not coming back. Maybe that is where I am now but I doubt it. In my heart I keep thinking I will hear him or see him. I will get to hold him and kiss him. And now as I sit here I hope that I am not pregnant, not because I don't want to be but because I am sure I will have another boy. Don't get me wrong I love all my boys so much, but I cant imagine what that little boys will have to go through coming after Jay. I lready know that Bry and Lex expect us to name the next baby Jay if it's a boy and I am afraid that others will to as Jay was named after my FIL. That is terrible to me. I am afraid that I will always look at the next little boy and wonder if he looks like Jay would have or if he acts like Jay would have. I don't want that. I would never want that. I can't tell anyone or talk to any one about any of this, no one will ever understand. He's really gone.....and I'm never going to have him back.........