May 10, 2008

Mother's Day is tomorrow and it is wierd this year. Yea, sure I'm still a mom, but one of my boys is missing. Does that make sense? I'm goign to love every minute of the boys I do get to hold, but my heart aches for the one I don't get to hold. {sigh} It's so crazy and such a long road. I feel like people look at me with pity some times. I don't like that. Yea, sure I want people to know Jay, I want to have shoulders to cry on when I need to, but I don't want pity. Anything but that. Sure my heart hurts, sure I miss him, yea, it sucks more then words can say, but I'm tough I can take it. That's why it happened to me and not some one else, because I can take it. If I couldn't God never would have let me go through this. And now I wonder about another baby. I wonder if for Mother's day next year I will have another little one to hold or if it's not in the cards. Chas and I talked about it yesterday. He asked me in a % how much do I want another baby. I told him 95+% the only reason I don't os because I'm scared of it happening again. He said he is only 75% because life seems to be coming together and he is afraid of it all falling apart. Yea, I can understand that. For now we are trying, but next month we won't be I know that for sure. I got pregnant with Jay in June and there is no wy I can be pregnant on the same time line. I would be so sure that we would lose that baby too adn it would be way to emotional going through everything when I did or should have for Jay. I have been so caught up in the drama around me that I almost forgot it had been 6 months. On my phone it is set to go off on the 2nd of every month and tell me how long it has been, I set that up months ago and forgot about it. Well back in Jan I ordered this rememberence thing for Jay and it was supposed to take 4-6 weeks but it never showed up. Well on May 1st there was a letter in my mail box saying there was a package at the office for me. I thought it had to be the plaque but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Sure enough it was. It's perfect. It sits on my fireplace now with Jay's picture and his candle. I can look at them without crying, that's a big step. I have decided it will always hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. Maybe I am finally going to be ok with having another baby. Maybe I'm ready now. I know that if my body would have let me get pregnant before now it would have been a very bad thing, but I think I am ready. As long as it doesn't happen nxt month anyway.