May 24.2008

I sit here typing this post knowing I should be sleeping. I have to get up early in the morning and walk to work, work all day, and then walk home, but I don't care. I don't want to go to work, I know that tomorrow will be just like today and I don't think I can do it again. Today I spent 8 hours selling people flowers for Memorial Day. Flowers that they are going to take and place on the grave of their loved ones. I spent all day wishing that I could buy flowers for Jay and place them on his grave, but I can't because he doesn't have a grave. We weren't allowed to bring him home and bury him, it wasn't an option because he was "only" 16 weeks 5 days, not far enough to be a still born even though to me he was. I am alone as I sit here, not because no one is around but because no one understands. No one gets it. I can't tell people that it hurts so much because I miss Jay and I just want to be able to go to his grave, place flowers, and cry like normal people get to. I have no where to go to remember him. Sure I have things for him but I have no where I can go to place flowers or cry to him, for him. Instead I feel like I have to smile all day long and cry at night in the dark where no one can see or hear me. As I'm faced with the chance of being pregnant again, I wonder if I really should try. I feel like I'm just going to lose the next baby too and then I will hurt twice as much. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to go on anymore. I know I have to for my other boys but I don't know how. I just want to hold Jay and kiss him. I want to know when this pain will end. I want to know why I have been thrown into the depths of H*ll all alone. Why me?? Why him?? If this had to happen why couldn't it have happened later so that I could bury him and at least have a place to go to vistit him?? Instead I am plagued by dreams of him where I know he is there but I can't get to him, or where some one tells me they just went to Jay's grave but they won't take me there or tell me how to get there. They just leave me to cry without even caring at all. I am so alone. No one gets it, yet far to many have been there. I am broken and mad. My heart is broken for not only my Jay but other babies that have been lost and I am mad that no one even tries to care or be there for those that need it. In the past I have been indifferent when it comes to Memorial Day, this year I hate it more then words could ever say because all I want is to be able to take part for Jay and yet I can't. It's not fair. Nothing is fair anymore....