May 31,2008

I don't know what to do. I have been cramping badly ever sense I took the test. In my heart I don't think anything will happen this time but in my head I fear it is already to late. I wasn't going to all my Dr for a week or two and then I was thinking about just saying I have no idea when my last period was so that I could get en ultrasound to see for myself that everythign is ok, but now I don't want to wait. I want to get in asap so I can know that everything is ok but at the same time I know that going in won't tell me anything. All it will do is get an ultrasound scheduled sooner, but I am so afraid of ultrasounds now that even though I want one I know I will have so many flash backs that I will fall apart. I don't know what to do. The only thing I do know for sure is that this is it. No matter what happens this is the last pregnancy for me. I have told Chas that if we lose this baby he is getting fixed ASAP because I can't do this again. If we have a healthy baby in the end I will get my tubes tied and be done with it. This is not fair. I can't wait until I am far enough along and have the money to have a doppler so I can just listen to this little one whenever I want to.

May 28, 2008

I can't breathe. I really can't. I feel like I'm drowning with nothing to grab onto and now more so. I don't know how I feel today. I took a pregnancy test today just to get it over with expecting it to be negative and instead it said pregnant (it was a digital) I gasped when I saw it. I had to look at it 4-5 times and even now I will go look at it several more today I'm sure. I just can't believe it. I feel so many things at once. Did I do the right thing in trying again? Is the same thing going to happen again? Can I handle it if it does? Will my baby be ok? How do I tell people? OMG what have I done.... Does this mean I really have to move on and let Jay go? Now people are really goin to forget about Jay more then they already have. Sigh. I have a lot of thinking to do. I haven't even told Chas yet and I don't know how to.

May 25, 2008

He's not coming back. I know he's not. In my head I know all to well that he's gone and he's not coming back so why can't me heart get the message? My uncle lost his wife a year ago and he said the other day that reality is setting in and she's not coming back. Maybe that is where I am now but I doubt it. In my heart I keep thinking I will hear him or see him. I will get to hold him and kiss him. And now as I sit here I hope that I am not pregnant, not because I don't want to be but because I am sure I will have another boy. Don't get me wrong I love all my boys so much, but I cant imagine what that little boys will have to go through coming after Jay. I lready know that Bry and Lex expect us to name the next baby Jay if it's a boy and I am afraid that others will to as Jay was named after my FIL. That is terrible to me. I am afraid that I will always look at the next little boy and wonder if he looks like Jay would have or if he acts like Jay would have. I don't want that. I would never want that. I can't tell anyone or talk to any one about any of this, no one will ever understand. He's really gone.....and I'm never going to have him back.........

May 24.2008

I sit here typing this post knowing I should be sleeping. I have to get up early in the morning and walk to work, work all day, and then walk home, but I don't care. I don't want to go to work, I know that tomorrow will be just like today and I don't think I can do it again. Today I spent 8 hours selling people flowers for Memorial Day. Flowers that they are going to take and place on the grave of their loved ones. I spent all day wishing that I could buy flowers for Jay and place them on his grave, but I can't because he doesn't have a grave. We weren't allowed to bring him home and bury him, it wasn't an option because he was "only" 16 weeks 5 days, not far enough to be a still born even though to me he was. I am alone as I sit here, not because no one is around but because no one understands. No one gets it. I can't tell people that it hurts so much because I miss Jay and I just want to be able to go to his grave, place flowers, and cry like normal people get to. I have no where to go to remember him. Sure I have things for him but I have no where I can go to place flowers or cry to him, for him. Instead I feel like I have to smile all day long and cry at night in the dark where no one can see or hear me. As I'm faced with the chance of being pregnant again, I wonder if I really should try. I feel like I'm just going to lose the next baby too and then I will hurt twice as much. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to go on anymore. I know I have to for my other boys but I don't know how. I just want to hold Jay and kiss him. I want to know when this pain will end. I want to know why I have been thrown into the depths of H*ll all alone. Why me?? Why him?? If this had to happen why couldn't it have happened later so that I could bury him and at least have a place to go to vistit him?? Instead I am plagued by dreams of him where I know he is there but I can't get to him, or where some one tells me they just went to Jay's grave but they won't take me there or tell me how to get there. They just leave me to cry without even caring at all. I am so alone. No one gets it, yet far to many have been there. I am broken and mad. My heart is broken for not only my Jay but other babies that have been lost and I am mad that no one even tries to care or be there for those that need it. In the past I have been indifferent when it comes to Memorial Day, this year I hate it more then words could ever say because all I want is to be able to take part for Jay and yet I can't. It's not fair. Nothing is fair anymore....

May 10, 2008

Mother's Day is tomorrow and it is wierd this year. Yea, sure I'm still a mom, but one of my boys is missing. Does that make sense? I'm goign to love every minute of the boys I do get to hold, but my heart aches for the one I don't get to hold. {sigh} It's so crazy and such a long road. I feel like people look at me with pity some times. I don't like that. Yea, sure I want people to know Jay, I want to have shoulders to cry on when I need to, but I don't want pity. Anything but that. Sure my heart hurts, sure I miss him, yea, it sucks more then words can say, but I'm tough I can take it. That's why it happened to me and not some one else, because I can take it. If I couldn't God never would have let me go through this. And now I wonder about another baby. I wonder if for Mother's day next year I will have another little one to hold or if it's not in the cards. Chas and I talked about it yesterday. He asked me in a % how much do I want another baby. I told him 95+% the only reason I don't os because I'm scared of it happening again. He said he is only 75% because life seems to be coming together and he is afraid of it all falling apart. Yea, I can understand that. For now we are trying, but next month we won't be I know that for sure. I got pregnant with Jay in June and there is no wy I can be pregnant on the same time line. I would be so sure that we would lose that baby too adn it would be way to emotional going through everything when I did or should have for Jay. I have been so caught up in the drama around me that I almost forgot it had been 6 months. On my phone it is set to go off on the 2nd of every month and tell me how long it has been, I set that up months ago and forgot about it. Well back in Jan I ordered this rememberence thing for Jay and it was supposed to take 4-6 weeks but it never showed up. Well on May 1st there was a letter in my mail box saying there was a package at the office for me. I thought it had to be the plaque but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Sure enough it was. It's perfect. It sits on my fireplace now with Jay's picture and his candle. I can look at them without crying, that's a big step. I have decided it will always hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. Maybe I am finally going to be ok with having another baby. Maybe I'm ready now. I know that if my body would have let me get pregnant before now it would have been a very bad thing, but I think I am ready. As long as it doesn't happen nxt month anyway.

May 6, 2008

I have been wanting to post for a while now, but life kept getting in the way. So much seems to be going on it's not even funny. Life is so crazy right now. So a few weeks ago I found out something about my "best friend" I have posted about her a few times I think, she had said she lost a twin at 7 months pregnant and I found out that she has been lying about it. There was no twin, she just just made it up to get the attention. I need a smilie right about now. =( Nope not quite, but I guess it will have to do. I don't understand why someone would do that. What kind of a person would you have to be to what the attention so much that you would lie to everyone just to take the attention away from someone that has really been there and felt that kind of pain? And then to make that person feel like crap because they should be over the loss and they are a terrible person because it still hurts? Or they are afraid of getting pregnant again because they could just loose another baby? Now my life feels like a soap opera because of this "friend." For -3 days she didn't talk to me then she wanted to talk and tried to tell me that her husband said he lied about all of it just to hurt her (she left her husband to be with someone else, "the boyfriend"), I told her I know he wasn't lying because over 3 days his story didn't change and hers has never been the same (and hers is impossible at that) so then she is mad because we are co-existing and the next day she went to sit by me and I wouldn't let her, instead I let the boyfriend sit by me and her sit next to him, then she's not even talking to me, just to yesterday have it be like we are best friends again (insert confused smilie) Well the husband told her that him and I are sleeping together, as if, and so that's why she wasn't talking to me but now her and the boyfriend are breaking up and him and I are friends so I'm guessing yesterday was all about keeping him because she spent a lot of time trying to get him to hate me and talking trash about me to others in front of him. {sigh} The whole thing is so stupid. Oh add to that the husband calls an texts me all the time to find out what is going on. The whole thing is so stupid.