Dec 8, 2008

Broken...That's how I feel more then anything.

My spirit is broken, my heart is broken, my body is broken...all broken. My spirit is broken because I've been trying so long and so hard for this and yet there is nothing. My heart is broken for the babies that grew wings far too soon and I never got to hold them. My body is broken because it keeps letting not jsut me, but the babies down. All broken...

Dec 4, 2008

That's it. It's over. I tested today because of the class I have tonight. Its the same one as Mon but last class we started doing full body massages even though the teacher told me we had until Dec 8th so I tested today just to make me feel better. Negative as I figured. It hurts so much though. So much for dreaming and hoping and Christmas miracles and everything...I'm never going to have another baby. never. I guess my road now becomes being ok with that and waiting for the day I get to see my two angels. I have to find peace in this life while I wait for the next...it's my only choice...

Dec 3, 2008

How badly do I want another baby? That is what I am thinking about today. I'm not sure if I can answer that question right now. I have spent the last 19 months trying to add antoher person to our family and so far all that has done is added pain to my life. So here I am, trying to figure out how far I am willing to go to get a baby or if I shoul just stop right now and be happy with what I have. In all honesty for all I know I am pregnant right now, but I'm having a hard time holding onto that thought. Chas keeps getting mad at me because I'm back to thinking that even if we do get pregnant again we won't get to hold the baby in the end...I'm trying so hard to hold onto my new motto but it's not working very well (see below for new motto) I'm trying to just let go and leave it in God's hands. I know he has a plan for me, my family, and all of us. I just can't help but wish it was easier to see and easier to follow. I know I have to let go and jsut trust in Him. If only that was easier to do. Being human makes you want to have some kind of control, makes you want to do everything and anythign you can to get what you want but it doesn't matter in the end. You will get whatever you are meant to get, when you are meant to get it. I know I had to go through everything I have gone through for some reason and I coudl easily sit here and say it was for this reason or that reason but I cold be wrong on them. So instead I sit here oh so confused and wishing for something that I don't have any control over. Although I have to say that if I were to pick one month sense I lost peanut that I thought I had any chance of getting pregnant in it would be this one and not because of anything I have one either. I knew last month it wouldn't happen, but this month it could. That's probably what makes things so much harder now. Feeling like it jsut might be God's time for this to happen and knowing that I will never know what his plan really is...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Dec 2, 2008

This day last year I was at my ILs family party, trying to remember to breath and to pretend I was "fine" like I should be...Now I sit here. Still with no baby in sight and trying to figure out how selfish I really am. I am so happy for the boys that I have and I feel like if I keep trying for "one more" than that means I'm not happy with what I have. How long do I keep trying before I realize that it's just not what I'm going to get and I should just get over wanting another one?

Ok my mood is clouded by knowing this year at the ILs Christmas party I will have to be around Chas' teenage neice that is pregnant (yes, you read that right) and the fact that this year I should have my Jay in all that stupid "Baby's First Christmas" junk and that everyone I know seems to be pregnant...There are certain people that it doesn't bother me that they are pregnant like the girl in my class that lost her baby when I found out I was pregnant with Peanut. I jsut found out last night that she is 14 weeks pregnant. I'm happy for her, she will be a great mom. I just wish I was there with her...Or like my friend that I have had forever (that also reads this but never posts- you know who you are!) She told me on myspace that she had somethign to tell me then never did (that was so mean by the way!) and I really hope she is pregnant. I know she would be a wondeful mom. It wouldn't bother me at all. I jsut wish I was there too....but I feel like I never will be. I'm sure I will get pregnant, I seem to be really good at that. But to have another baby? That I doubt...I'm trying to be strong and have faith but right now I jsut don't see it happening. I bought this Pregnancy Journal that I hope to be able to use...Chas asked me how much I would use it and I told him it depends on if I have a happy ending or a sad one...

So here I am, counting down the days to Dec 8th when I have to test because of my class I have that night and dreading it...I know that the chances of getting a positive test that day are slim even if I am, but I have to test just to be sure. I don't want to. Mostly because there is going to be no way to hide it. That night everyone will know that I am and there will be nothing I can do about it. Even if I lose another baby. I won't get to hide it. It's not fair...It's just not fair. I don't knwo what to do at this point. I would love to be able to tell everyone this Christmas that we are expecting and trying to hope for the best, but I don't know if it will happen or not. I'm scared of getting a negative and I'm scared of getting a positive. I jsut can't win right now...